Hi Trying2live,

Regarding plan B with kids in sports...

A few years ago there was a poster, "Mortarman", I think his name was. Is he still around? Anyway, he was one of the resident experts on plan B. If I remember correctly, he went to the same sporting events as his wife, and even disciplined his kids if they were not listening to his wife at the event, while maintaining plan B.

If you do a search for posts by Mortarman over 2 years old, (there are probably more recent ones, but I haven't read here for a while), you'll hopefully be able to relate to some of the challenges he faced in plan B.

Good luck,

YS

Wonderful man, MM.

One of MB's greatest successes.

I'm still somewhat new to forums. How do I search through the threads? I'd like to search MM.

I am reading a through a few right now Lildoggie and Neak. I can read through his as well. But it sounds like MM was in Plan B and still saw spouse or was he in Plan A during that?

I know for sure I'm probably going to need to go completely dark in my Plan B as my hubby is stubborn, real stubborn.

How to search...

Scroll to the top of any page of the forum. There are several URL links in the top center - "Forum list, My Stuff, Calendar, Active topics, SEARCH, and FAQ".

Click Search.

On left side select forum. His story is probably under General Questions, but you could probably search all.

On right hand side, type Mortarman in "Display Name Search" field.

For Date Range specify "older Than" "2 Years" - clear the newer than field (2 years is just a guestimate on my part - all of his advice was very sound).

Good luck,

YS

FYI, folks, but contact during Plan B defeats the whole purpose and makes it impossible to detach from the affair. The point of Plan B is to remove you from the constant reminder of the affair.

Folks that have big holes in their Plan B like this always do much worse than those who observe strictly dark plan B's. The ones that give an inch ALWAYS are soon giving a mile, and are not in anything resembling Plan B.

Dr. Harley recommends complete and total darkness even if it means NOT going to sports games. A solid plan B is in your childs best interest.

Dr. Harley writes about this on the weekend board. I will go find the post.

You are right to not play games with this, T2L. If you allow your H to get through, it will give him every opportunity to manipulate you and keep you beaten down and under control. The goal here is to protect your sanity and give you some peace of mind by removing you from the abuse. That ain't gonna happen if you go just a "little" dark.

Secondly, if you tell him NO CONTACT in your letter and then allow contact, well DUH, why should he take anything you say seriously? He will know you don't mean it! And that is not the kind of message you want to be sending to a WS!

So, stick to your guns, T2L! Your instincts are dead right on this.

Mel how are you? Even if you don't remember me. To me you are unforgettable and all in a good with. Your brutal honest is at time harsh but always needed. Got to love it. Would you please check out usedandabused post and help him. The poor guy really needs it. Thank you.

Your Old friend Dig.

Question: if I decide to do a full Plan B, what do I do when we attend the same children's activities? Soccer games, band concerts, plays, etc. are all part of our lives. Do I ignore him completely? Is it okay to smile and wave? Do we sit together or what?
FYI, I have a mediator in mind, but I'm just not emotionally read to Plan B him yet. But I'm getting there.



ANSWER: Read my answer to "What Now!" by NZJ in the Questions about Infidelity section of the MBW Forum. It probably applies to your situation.

About 95% of affairs die a natural death within 2 years of discovery. And 70% of those 5% that survive to marriage end in divorce. Even the 30% of the 5% (1.5%) are not all happy marriages. So the odds of your husband finding happiness with his present lover is so unlikely that it's safe to say that his affair is the worst mistake of his life. But because you're married to him, it's the worst mistake of your life, too. And you didn't do anything to deserve it.

Your best plan of action right now is plan B. And you will have to make it air-tight to keep you sane. Otherwise, every casual contact, even at your children's events, is likely to take a terrible toll on your mental and physical health.

Some day, your husband may come out of the fog. And he may be ready to win you back to him again. But I would encourage you to avoid hoping for that outcome. In fact, try to avoid thinking of him at all. Start going down a new path that does not include him in any way. There's nothing more that you can do to encourage him to do the right thing. All you're left with now is to try to protect yourself from future suffering. And that means having absolutely nothing to do with your husband, possibly for the rest of your life.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Howdy, DIG! Of course I remember you! You advised me once that I was not assertive enough and should take assertiveness training! **snort** I still chuckle about that!

Whew, that's deep! I keep having hope, is that so bad? I am honest with my self in knowing that there is no guarantees but I like to keep hope.

Yeah I know Plan B has to be airtight for me. {{Sigh}} Few more weeks left. Gurlz gotta do what a gurlz gotta do, but man oh man I'm hating the fact that ize gotsta!!!

Gots lots of blabbing for you guys.....

So my best girlfriend from high school sends me this funny kinda dirty text and so I send it to him as a flirt. Ya'll seemed to think flirting is okay and you can probably guess his #1 need. He reads and responds...


H says "Nice where did you get that?"

I say, "From a friend"

H says, "Who? I thought you didn't like dirty jokes"

I say," you don't know em, I met em at a salsa club and you never sent me any dirty jokes anyways, I just thought you would think it was funny"

Then H says," NO stupid, I don't think a lot of those jokes are funny"

I say, " If I offended you I didn't mean to I just thought you would think it was funny"

H say, "Not offended, just not funny"

So then I changed the subject to the kids.

Okay I lied, my girlfriend sent it to me and not someone at the salsa club. I started salsa lessons after discovery to get my focus off everything and to keep living basically. Should I have just said it was my girlfriend? I he jealous?

But ya notice how at first he says "nice where did you get that" and then as he thought someone who he didn't know sent it to me it changed. I was probably wrong to lie huh. I just didn't feel like telling him it was my girlfriend.

Did I just screw it up? Did I LB? I mean I am an adult I can get jokes from anyone.

Then he was stale and rude the rest of the day. I finally say hey u ok?

Help damage recovery if needed or not??

Okay new subject....
DD17 calls him just before dinner. DD17 comes in and tells me the convo. She says Hi daddy whatcha doing> He says sitting in my car. She say where? He says at my house. DD17 says Oh, makes some small talk and then says, mom is making spaghetti, garlic bread and salad. H says spaghetti is good. DD17 says what are you eating dad? He says Ramen noodles! DD17 says ewe gross dad, and H says I put an egg in it.

OMG! Ramen? Is this woman cooking? He has HIGH domestic needs. 1st he's tired of eating Taco bell then hes tired of doing laundry. Saturday we ask him where he wants to go out to eat after sons game and he says idk you eat out so much the only thing different is home cooked food. Oh boy! One can only pray she is not high in the domestic department.

Notice how your DD17 was able to identify the WS' out of balance condition?

This is a good sign. Part of the WS' NOT living right is NOT eating right. Their physical and mental health take a dip downward into a spiral.

Make sure you and your family don't go there.

If the WS wants to sit in his car eating ramen let him.

You should refrain from texting and teasing him. Instead, live well as best as you can. Let him come find you not you go and tease him. The WS in him wants you to tease him so he can frustrate you with rejection, frustration and guilt. The BS in you wants his attention even if it means getting his rejection, frustration and guilt. Don't settle for less. Settle for better, more quality time and attention.

You are not ready for plan B. You go into plan B now and it will fail. Why? Because your mind and heart are not in sync yet.

JMHO,
L.

I have to second everything ML has said about Plan B, but I'd particularly like to emphasize this:


Especially in your case, T2L. Plan B not only protects you from his abuse, but it also forces the WS to get all of their needs met by the OP. This in turn forces reality onto the A and helps to bring it out of fantasy land. Your WH is clearly getting a top EN met by you through his hero complex thing. You know him best, but from what you've written, it could even be his #1 EN. He almost seems to rely on it, suggesting that OW is not meeting this need (or perhaps not enough). What a shock it's going to be when that EN goes unmet, even for a short time.

Oh, and I wanted to say I agree with Orchid here with respect to refraining from teasing and flirting with him. OW is already meeting any ENs he has that flirting might address. But you have one major advantage to many BS's here - you have identified an EN that you can meet better than OW. That is your strength - go with it.

I know I am not fully ready for Plan B today. But I still have a few weeks left, and each day that goes by it gets a little easier to see myself in Plan B.

I know I can make my mind ready, ignore my heart and follow through. That's what I did before I found the SAA book. Just want to be sure I have everything set up before. Right now i am trying to get his visits with son regular so when I go to Plan B its already done. He hasn't had regular visit since we cut him off 2 times over the last 5 months(he was nuts and crazy angry so we had to), but I want to have it already set up since its hard on my son.

Is it ok to request from my H to visit 3 days a week with son? He gets irritated saying I don't know his schedule its hard(he moved and hour away with OW by choice) but my son is having a hard time now that dad is back around again. When he leaves it's hard for him, I have to re-direct a lot so he doesn't cry.

Regarding the texts, flirting, etc., I'm going to have to disagree with my much-loved friend Orchid.

If flirting is important to him, and a need he has been getting met by the OW, AND if it's a need he will allow you to meet without too much unpleasantness, then I think you should.

A very important part of Plan A is showing him that you are willing and able to meet his most important needs. Especially since you're not currently having sex, interactions of this type, laced with just a pinch of innuendo, let him know that you're going to be able to meet his needs well, not only sexual, but affection and admiration, too.

Regarding the dirty joke, I do think you crossed a line you shouldn't have crossed. The response you thouht of later would have been very good, that it was from a "friend", but without specifying gender. That would have accomplished the same thing, but with no deception on your part.

IMO, least said soonest mended. Sail on happily without mentioning it again. Ignore any remaining sulks over it. If he does ask you directly, tell him it was a female friend. (That's ok - he probably won't believe you anyway, lol.)

It was a mistake, but only a small one, and not something to stress over. Live, learn, and go on. If there's a next time, you've already figured out what to do.

Ok small mistake {{whew}} :MrEEk: .

Yes my H highest need is sexual, more so than the others. I think that this OW flirted with him and that's what started the ball rolling. I think she has a screwed up life somewhat, with her kids, and I think he was try to "help" her and then she flirted with him. This of course is my piece together of comments he's made and others I've kinda heard.

I'm not going to mention it again, and blow it off as It was nothing. I will say it was a female friend. I caught myself explaining myself to him as I would have before, but I don't want what we had before. Too much tippie toeing.

I agree with Neak, meet all the ENs you can, while you can.

I don't think the dirty joke was bad, I think lying about where you got it was bad. You could have just said "From an old friend, you don't know 'em" (unless he does).

Dishonesty is a LB, remember?

Don't kick yourself over this.
You're doing great.

I think when you go to Plan B you do need to figure out a way to take turns so your WH goes to some games and you go to some games. I've re-thought the "watching from the car" and I don't think even that is a good idea. Your WH shouldn't know you're in the vicinity, and one of the kids might let it slip. It's not fair to ask them to keep secrets for you and NOT tell their Dad, either.

Not sure how to best handle this if your son reacts with great anxiety. You can't say "My heart is too broken to see your Dad now" because then what if your son tries the same thing and says his heart is too broken to visit Dad? Your son is going to have to visit his Dad if y'all D and WH gets visitation (which he will, of course).

Can you maybe go to practices if WH is going to go to games?

It's good you're thinking through all this ahead of time.

Regarding flirting, dirty jokes and such.

Before the A I would not do either. It was my willingness to start, amoungst other things that helped Flick decide in MY favour. If SF is high on the EN list of the WH and if your not having SF, isnt this a way to show you can, particulary if it was an area you were lax in? If the OW only has this one last thing she can do and you are edging into it as well......

Just my thoughts.

Oh my gosh so I'm jumping on here really quick while the H is out with the kids. I gotta tell ya'll our convo....

So we had the plans for the pumpkin patch with the kids after he got off work today. Well he called in sick and wanted to pick up S10 from school.

He arrived here at the house an hour early so he made a list of more chores he wanted to do.

I get ready to leave and say I'll see you after a while. He says well how am I going to get in?

I say oh here take my garage door opener and go through the garage.

He says you know I still have the other one.

I say I know you do but I reprogrammed it and yours doesn't work anymore.

He then says with a grin on his face, well maybe I should reprogram it too.

I say with a grin on my face no way buddy not until your ready to come home full time so don't even think about it.

We both half laughed and changed the subject. No way Mr. H. you can't come and go as you please. So whadda ya guys think about that convo??

So anyways he texts me he has my son and they are going to Home Depot. I say have fun and was son excited. He say very excited.

So I decided to meet admiration needs, I text him this, " Awe i wish I could have seen his face. That was so sweet of you to come and do that for son. You could have taken the whole day to yourself since you called in sick and you didn't you thought of our son instead sniffle...."

yup working the admiration! Ok he's back gotta go..