I think there's certainly some validity to this.. however I dunno.. maybe it's just the midwestern hick in me.. but there's a hierarchy of 'gettin jacked in the mouth'...


God - Nobody disrespects the big G.. get you jacked in the mouth for sure.. don't care who you are.

Family - God's the judge.. friends get a one time warning.. anyone else disrespecting family... jacked in the mouth..

Friends - God's the judge.. family gets to say what they want.. other friends can probably get away with it.. but if a stranger disrespects a friend... you guessed it... jacked in the mouth..



Now that isn't to say I'm a violent person or what not.. but it's the mentality of how people got raised around here when I was young... taken to the extreme mind you.. but it's programmed into the base operating system nonetheless..

Ok.. trigger time


Got an email alert that we now have a date set.

December 8th is the 'final hearing'

Scheduled for a 1/2 day event..


First 'date' I've had in a year.. not looking forward to this, but part of me is looking forward to being able to tell myself it's ok to be 'done'..



Good God.. I haven't felt this 'chest tightening' kind of anxiety in a long time..

Trying to remember to breathe.. it just sucks.

She set it for the week I took as my last week of extended parenting time for DS for the year.. Don't know if that was intentional or not.. it just also.. sucks.

Jamesus


Truly, James, it is better than perpetual limbo. It is hard, it does hurt, but it is another step towards healing.

Alot of the stress in dealing with WxH as been reduced because everything is final. I no longer feel the threat of a judge over my head if I don't do things exactly right and WxH uses it against me.

He can't mess with me on return times and dates, etc - without consequences that are bigger than just me.

The sooner you know what your new norm is, the sooner you can relax and adjust.

I'm praying for you and your young ones.


Oh, James. It IS okay to be done. You've been abused long enough. No one benefits from your continued sacrifice.

For your WW to be able to re-enter the family - SHE has to be willing to ADD something. It isn't only about how much will James sacrifice, it is about what WW will ADD as a member of the family unit.

She is not willing to add to it and you are not held to continual sacrifice to make up for her failures. KWIM?



I doubt it was really intentional. I dont' know what your court systems are like there, but we have no say when a date will be set. They fit you where they can fit you.

And if the courts are anything like they are here, you could be rescheduled 3 or 4 times before it actually happens.

Either way, it will be better for DS to be with you during that time. You will be able to soften the blow of what is happening.


Take care, James, your children are learning......

Fox

Part of me knows this is true... part of me wants it to be true.. it's just right now it's just those feelings of failure flooding back in all at once.. an inner acknowledgement of how tragic this is... if not for me and WW.. for our children.


No.. but I am held to my vows.. I didn't make them on the condition that she keep hers.. I think part of me needs the final D to be all her doing in order to.. well.. be able to be done.

It's hard to explain and I'm probably not doing an adequate job.. I imagine SD might know where I'm coming from.



I'm sure you're right.. it just happened that way.. and truly I am thankful he will be with me that week.. I just really hate this whole situation for him..

Thanks especially for the hugs Fox.. just what the Dr. ordered..

I know what this is like, too. Remind yourself that you really have no control over it so you don't need to bear the burden of the guilt. You've tried, you've been willing - but it doesn't rely solely on you.

It is tragic.....no two ways about it.

There ARE good lessons that can come from this. I think we learn the most from the worst experiences. Would your children ever know just how much you loved them and the depths you were willing to go to keep them in your life without this? What other time would they be able to see the actions of a father putting them first to such a degree?

We all assume we are loved by our parents, they say it here and there, and some give more than others. They have now seen PROOF of what they mean to their dad. That's big.


I know this feeling, too. I know the final D released me from the burden.

You are not breaking your vows by getting to "done." It's okay to take a rest here and there and recoup a bit.

You'll probably be done at some point, then not be done, then be done again, then not.....until you have reached your threshold of what is too much to bear. THEN you will stay pegged on done.

It's a process, James. Let yourself take a breather every once in awhile.

Fox

I'm not entirely sure of this.. DS knows, I think.. as much as a 4 year old can.. that I've been fighting this. DSD knows.. but I'm sure her perceptions are completely colored in the tone of 'He's such an a$$..' ... she was there again btw at the exchange last night.. curled up on her seat when I came to put DS in his, and mumbled at me a little.. couldn't tell you what she said, but I did tell both kids I love them...

DS talks frequently about wanting his mom to be with us when we're out doing things.. he said it very strange last night.. esp for a 4 year old.. he said.. Dad.. I want to stay with you.. I just wish mommy was here with us..

Not much more I could say to that other than 'I do too champ.. with all my heart.'

This sucks so much for him..




I think everything being final I'll feel 'ok' about moving on.. maybe dating some once I'm emotionally/mentally ready for it.. I dunno.

I'm not sure how much rest I'll be getting.. time to knuckle down and make sure everything is in order and I have my stuff together to go into battle on 12/8.



God I hope I can avoid the back and forth of all that once this is final.. I've been doing it too much already over the course of the last year.. and I think not really being able to go to a true Plan B has really taken just about everything out of me..

I somehow get the feeling that the next month and a half of preparation.. and the actual day itself will likely zap what's remaining... I somewhat hope it does and I can walk out of there being completely done.. one way or the other.

Her Foxiness has given you excellent advice. As I caught up, I thought of things to say only to find out that she had already said them to you.

I understand what you mean about the vows, but I am also self-aware enough to admit that at least a part of it was self-righteousness holier-than-thou attitude. Was it right to continue to respect my marriage vows? Yes. Did I make a bigger deal of it than I really needed to? Maybe.

Don't fear the Date. Having received the call, I feel different now than I did even a few days ago. I'm divorced. The weight is coming off. The elephant is more like a rhinoceros and getting smaller all the time.

I am Pretty Much Done, and I don't know where it goes from here. Believer talks about a barrel full of fish around here somewhere, but I'm not sure where it is. POM says I'm supposed to stay away from it for a while, anyway. But, hey, I'm not an ultracool bass player having to beat them away. Once you're divorced, you can start to Live again.

So don't fear it. Once it happens, people (including me) will tell you Congratulations and I'm sorry. And you will know exactly what they mean.

Foxy and Guy


Thanks you two.. I've now had a little over 2 hours to process that we finally have a date..

And you're both right.

This isn't what I want, or how I wanted it to be... but the fact is, I didn't choose this or have a say in it anyhow. Don't sweat the stuff you had no control over.

Now it's just up to me to do what I can do to make the best of the terrible situation for my kids and myself.



So.. it's nose to the grindstone time.. making sure everything is ready and in order and that I know what I'm doing when I walk into court.. making sure I get the important stuff to the A in time for him to review it..

Need to make an appointment to see him next week.

Write him a letter.

I wrote each of my kids letters, sealed them, and wrote "For DD when she is an adult" on them and put them away. Maybe I won't choose to actually give them to the kids, but right now, it's stuff I feel they have a right to know.

I thought so, too. But it didn't. Our spirit is much stronger than we think.

For me, the closer the date got, the more it lit a fire under me. It was the final hurrah, my future and that of my daughters depended on this battle.

It was also a fight to be released from the burden of WxH. I had had enough. It didn't drain me like I thought it would, it was a relief that actually gave me a chance to breathe and end the war.

The war is over. Some may think I lost. I know better.

I won my freedom from a man who abused me and did not value me. I won the right to find someone who would.

Don't get me wrong. There were losses. But none even close in comparison to what WxH lost.

I know you are worried about your children. It sucks. It sucks in a big way.

But they will be okay. You are a stable and loving parent and as long as they have ONE of those, they will be ok. You are aware of the pitfalls of children of divorce and will have a chance for preemptive strikes in those tussles.


I kept a notebook by my bed. As the thoughts rolled around and around and around....I would write them down. One reason they kept rolling around is because I was afraid I would forget them. Once I wrote them down I knew I could deal with it in the morning. I could try to fall asleep without the worry of not remembering to address it. I tried to remind myself that I could not fix it in that moment anyway so I needed to put it away for the night.

Sometimes it worked.


With time, the pendulum will not swing nearly as wide from done to not done.

Jamesus sdguy (I was going to hug you together and then I thought, "that's not right."


Fox

I think this is probably the outlook I need to 'reprogram' into the core OS for the time being.. probably the healthiest way to get through this.. and should toughen me up for the actual slugfest.


While what you say is true.. I hope I'm truly in a position to help DS with this.. the current 'visitation' isn't going to be good enough to accomplish much on this front..

He really needs to be in a place where I'm going to be the primary male role model for his life.. not Wonderboy.. WB's barely equipped to handle his life.. let alone teach my son to handle himself.





Another sound strategy.. thank you for this suggestion.. usually most of my thinking about WW ends up being done first thing in the morning as I'm waiting for the dog to finish doing to my lawn what she's done to my life.


Thanks again Foxy.. the hugs, prayers and support are massively appreciated.

I may try this.. though in his case.. It will be so far in the future that I'll be able to give it to him.. it may not be worth digging up again.. I'll have to think about this.

I have already written a letter for DSD.. and that one I'm pretty sure at this point will be given to her.

The date is set and things are moving not as we like, but still moving. People as always are given you great insight and advice, and yet I know that it's still hurts, it's hard and we dont' like it or want it.

But we keep moving forward and letting G-d lead us because he will and one day it will be over.

It could be difficult. But not impossible.

Make sure this sentiment is brought up in court. Really, don't let anything not be said.

WxH came to court and said "I don't want anything material, I just want more time with my daughters." He put up no fight, he didn't say WHY a different schedule would be benecial to DDs, he didn't look into the future and let the judge know that he really wanted to be a part of raising his daughters. When he said he wanted more time, it sounded like it was simply what he wanted - not what was beneficial to DDs.

I know this has been discussed over and over here. I'm trusting you are doing all you can do on this part, I just wanted to remind you that it must be said. The judge can't read minds - the one who states the best interest of DS will win the judge over.




Boy, can I relate to that.

Fox

Hey, Sh1t eventually turns into fertilizer

I don't know what that means, but if it takes off, just remember I made it up.

I'll think of you when I'm relaxin in Boca, sipping Balvine single cask with my lovely young pediatric physician at my side on honeymoon..

I'm keeping this at the forefront of my mind...

Good man.


Fox

Thanks Queenie..

Difference now is that I'm paying better attention to the insight..

In just the scant few hours since finding out and triggering pretty hard... I'm feeling a little better..

Maybe this will help.....






Fox