It could be that my time with Sally was a distraction which was good and is now gone. It isn't really gone. We still hang out and we still have fun together, but it is gone in the sense that I'm not waiting for her to feel differently about me.

It was more fun when I thought she might be interested, but I'm glad to know the truth.

It's ok. She really is very wounded and has huge walls around her and that is tough to break through.

But I've also caught myself in the "White Knight" thing again. She's a woman who has been hurt and I have this attitude of, "I can show her how she should be treated. I can give her the attention she deserves. I'll treat her right!"

While that may be true (I would do those things) I need to be doing those things for someone who doesn't "need" it.

She's not needy. She really just has no desire or inclination to open her heart up to anyone right now, which is ok.

I'm moving on, remaining her friend, but opening my horizons.

I think my blues are also linked to the fear of losing my current job and really finding myself adrift, not knowing what I want to do with my life. All I ever wanted to do was be a pilot and I've never truly considered anything outside of that.

The only other profession which has appeal to me is being a history teacher.

But that, unfortunatly, doesn't pay very well.

Sorry you're having such a down time right now POM.

I think volunteering sounds like a great idea for you.

Pom, you seem to be at a crossroad in your life right now, in several aspects - personal, family and professional. No wonder you are feeling a little down. But underneath it all lies some tremendous opportunities. You just don't know what they are now. Perhaps you just need some time to meditate a little. I have a good feeling about you.

I do feel overwhelmed and it is true that I'm processing many losses that happened at once.

1. I lost the only career I ever wanted: I was 5 years old when I decided I wanted to be an astronaut. I was in 5th grade when I immersed myself in the stories of the first seven astronauts and the subsequent moon shot. I was in 7th grade when I decided I would pursue a slot at the AF Academy so I could become a pilot and an eventual astronaut.

I achieved the goal of going to the Academy, but I gave up my dreams of space to focus on flying. I achieved my goal of flying and it is all I ever wanted to do.

2. I lost my wife: She was my best friend and I felt we had a decent marriage with normal problems that could be resolved with work and effort. My feelings for my wife and kids grew very strong when I deployed and faced a few scary moments. This made the subsequent crash and heartbreak that much harder.

3. I lost my family: It's a broken shell now of what it was before. I have to wait many days now to see my kids. I'm very happy (and busy) when they're here. I've missed out on many days of my kids lives as a result and have had to settle for a fraction of what I would have if my marriage hadn't fallen apart and if my ex hadn't destroyed it.

4. I lost contact with peers I very much related to: Most pilots have always wanted to be pilots. We have very similar personalities. We loved to talk flying. We also bonded quickly because we would deploy together, live together, and rely on each other for friendship and company and comfort. That is something which is very hard to find and there are very few equals in the civilian world.

So I feel as if I'm patching things up. I'm processing a lot. The things that hurt the most right now are the ones which center on flying and time with the kids.

I'm well over the ex. The person that is there now is repulsive to me and I welcome the fact that I don't have to see her at all if I choose not to. But I do miss the family unit and the wife I knew, not the woman that replaced her and that I've had to deal with for 3 years now. That person is disgusting to me and doesn't resemble the woman I knew in any way. I find her lack of civility, remorse, and absence of guilt to be a sign of a person who has absolutely no conscience. I find that to be very disturbing and incomprehensible to me.

So right now I'm battling with feelings about my lack of satisfaction with a job I simply show up for on a daily basis and an empty house that is full of toys for the kids that I see only a fraction of the time.

I am in the midst of creating a new life for myself. It's a slow, lonely, and difficult process.

I know I will prevail in the end and emerge from all of this a different man. I may never be able to find the job that fulfills me the same way that flying did, but I do expect that I will find a good woman that will hopefully appreciate what I have to offer. I hope that it will lead to a very strong marriage with someone especially now that I'm armed with the knowledge of the MB priciples.

My children will continue to be the center of my life and I will continue to work tirelessly for them.

It is not in my character to surrender or lay down. I will battle back from all these challenges.

It may take lots of therapy. It may take the help of ADs. It may take patience, prayers, and leaning on my friends.

But I will arise from this disaster and I will be a better man for it and I hope that my children will respect me as their father and seek me for advice as they get older. I want to be an example and a guide for them.

So I may have the blues, but it's because I'm processing a tremendous amount of changes and losses.

It's ok. God will help me get through this and has given me many blessings already.

And all of you faceless strangers provide me with strength and I know I always have a place to turn to where others understand me.

For that I thank you.

These are words that could be out of my mouth, POM. I don't know what is going to happen, but I know that good things are ahead for both of us.

Hang in there. You sound like you have things figured out pretty well. The only thing I'll add is that ADs can make a big difference in one's life, and I don't see a reason to fear them.

pom, have you ever considered applying for the Astronaut program at NASA? They don't just take fighter pilots like they did in the 60s any more. They take people from all walks of life, scientists, doctors, pilots...

This is a great time to be in the program, with the new ship being built, the trips to the Moon coming up, and the plans for Mars. I don't know your age, they might not get to Mars by the time you retire, but you'd be involved in all the other stuff the astronauts do. And they do a lot!

The astronauts live in Houston and we have a former air force base down the street where they practice flying and such. And have you ever seen the Sonny Carter Training Facility? The biggest swimming pool in the world, so big you can see the curve of the earth on its surface. They put models of the space station in it and practice weightlessness with diving suits. So cool.

Anyway, even if you don't go for the Astronaut Program, there a thousand other jobs you could be doing there, working with the astronauts, training, etc. There are around 6000 people here working on the space program. And it's an awesome place to work, everyone there is there because it's a calling for them, they feel like they're doing something really important. Every launch, we would stop what we were doing to get to a TV and watch it - all over the facility.

And Houston is #4 on the current list that came out this week on the best places to live in the country, economically. The house I live in cost us $350,000 and would be worth about $10 million in California (4500 sq ft).

Just go to NASA to find out more. I hope you'll consider it.

cat,

Unfortunately the standards for flying are pretty strict and one big no no is ADs.

I won't be on them forever, but who knows.

I've got other ideas in mind: applying to law school, running for office, guitar lessons, writing a book.

I started to write a book about my experience at Walter Reed and I'm about 50 pages into it. I go back and re-read and re-write.

I want the heart of the book to be about my experience there and the people who I ran into and who helped me.

There's some amazing stories of the poor kids coming back from Iraq and the things they saw there.

I also got great care while I was in there and had a totally different experience than what was described in the press. Mine was very positive and it was the end of rock bottom for me and the start of lifting myself up. It was a slow process, but it was a start.

I can't leave this area because of my kids. I'd move right by them but I've been over there and don't have any desire to live there. It's flat out backwards. I have no nice way of putting it.

I may have to to get 50/50 eventually, but I want to see what happens over the next few years. Perhaps things will improve for the ex economically and she'll move back here. I sure hope so because the schools over there are absolutely terrible and I was unimpressed with my daughter's school when I checked it out.

I've never been to a school where the staff and personnel at the front office wear sweats to work. I was appalled at the lack of professional appearance by the teachers. I didn't see that here in Maryland when I went to DD6's school.

Perhaps it was casual Fridays or something, but it saddened me to see the conditions my ex feels are acceptable for our kids. I want a private school for them or at least better public schools.

SD, I'm 3 years along. It gets better, but I've had my share of moments and the lows still hit, but just not as often. I'm in a low right now, but I'm sure it will pass. The kids always do a good job of cheering me up.

The kids have been good medicine.

I took them shopping today. DSTwin2 threw a fit and a tantrum. Was doing it at the checkout, of all places.

I did my best to handle it and had to chase him down 2 times as he tried to run off to go grab toys he wanted and that I wasn't buying.

I was trying to check out while holding a squirming, screaming 4 year old and trying to keep a smile on my face while watching the other two.

He finally calmed down (after he punched me in a sensitive area, which resulted in a sore behind for him). This ended up calming him down after a few tears.

A lady came out and told me I did a good job and that she could completely understand after being there herself a few times.

I'm never happy to give the butt smack and I avoid it at all costs, but it had been about 30 minutes straight of screaming and thrashing.

He was very good the rest of the night.

Now, that sounds like a nightmare and I certainly wasn't exactly happy with what happened, but being busy this way and having the kids and the sounds has been good.

Too busy to be blue.

But it's also been great to have them again. I bought all 3 new pajamas and you'd think it was Christmas.

DD6 read a book to me and it's nice to see her growing so quickly and reading so well.

All are in "angel mode" as I call sleep time. They certainly all look that way when they're fast asleep, don't they?

Just wanted everyone to know that having the kids here has been a good band aid for the blues and certainly has done the trick to lift them.

Oh I so miss being able to do this.
Sodding liberals took away my right

Good to hear your having a good day

A much nicer day today.

Took the kiddos to church and they got to run around afterwards and get loaded up on donuts and juice.

I took them to a birthday party after that and had a very interesting encounter there.

The kids ran around and had fun while I got to mingle.

One of the attendees is a co-worker of my ex's. I was a little timid to talk to her because I wasn't sure what she had been told (quite a bit, as I found out).

The only detail I'll share is that she told me that she wished her father had fought to spend time with her when she was a child.

I've heard this sentiment from many, many women.

It was nice to hear that she didn't think I was a demon.

At least that's the perception I got. I could be wrong and she does think that and she was just being polite.

I sooooo wish I could share more, but it's obviously not safe.

I tell you what, we'd see a lot fewer self-entitled, unhappy, confused kids if their parents would be their parents instead of their friends, and employ a swat on the butt when they needed it.

I never like to. I should have gone grocery shopping before I got them for the weekend and would have avoided the problem of dragging them through the store to get a birthday present for a little boy we were invited to see.

I almost always do everything before they show up because I know how hard it is to go through a store will all 3 and they get into "Daddy, buy me this" mode.

DSTwin2 is much more tempermental than Twin1. When he wants something, he wants it NOW! He frequently throws himself to the ground in tears if he doesn't get it. I generally ignore that behavior and tell him that crying and acting that way doesn't get him anything. That usually does the trick.

A reward system seems to work well with him. "I'll let you play on the computer when we get home if you're good in the store."

That kind of thing helps him, but it is often forgotten when the power of shiny new toys kicks in.

The secret is to avoid the situation altogether!

I won't see the kids for 2 weeks. It's the drawback to the current arrangement and one of the things I'm not thrilled with. I use to see them once a week at a minimum under the old way. Now I go 2 weeks once a month without seeing them. It stinks when I go through that. I enjoy getting to sleep late on my "free" weekends, but miss the kids otherwise.

Just need to work on my own life on those stretches.

Great time to volunteer. There are so many thousands of ways to help someone else out out there, that you can match with your likes. NASA has something Engineer Week, where teachers would sign up to receive a guest speaker from NASA, and we volunteers would sign up to do it. Kids LOVE to have guest speakers like that come in. I was pretty boring, but I bet kids would salivate over your pilot stories.

Oh, forgot to add, about your twins. If that becomes a standard way of dealing with #2, please don't let #1 see it. While you're getting what you want from #2, it's teaching #1 that it doesn't pay to be the nice guy. All kinds of mess could come from that.

Saw the therapist yesterday and she says she is seeing many very positive signs.

She put what I feel into a perfect word: emptiness.

I had all this drama that was going on before and it is now gone. That drama kept me occupied and busy and chugging away. So now that it's gone I feel emptiness, but she says that this is very good.

She also says that the lack of contact with the ex (which has decreased a lot since our hearing) is also very good and it helps me in terms of really distancing myself from her in every way.

She still thinks I have a ways to go in terms of how I feel toward her because I still respond and have a reaction to her emails.

She says that the day I handle her emails the way I would handle junk mail will be the day that I'm "there".

So what is it about her emails?

She still tells me what to do as if I was an employee of hers and not a coparent. I know her intention is good and she simply wishes to communicate a concern to me, but the way she words things is the way you would word it to someone who worked for you and not someone who is an equal.

I haven't said anything to the ex about this because it simply is who she is and I don't think she can change. And the fact that I don't address this or respond to it is a positive thing.

But I wanted to share with everyone that it is normal and even positive to feel emptyness after what we've been through and it has resolved itself (mostly).

Hope that helps someone here.

Now filling that emptyness is another matter.

Having my divorce group over for dinner tonight. And I'm hopefully going to watch my dear Air Force Falcons beat the snot out of the New Mexico Lobos!

All over some Mexican Lasagna.

It's on CSTV if anyone cares.

Hey pomdbdd3

I have been following your posts for a little while now. You seem like a good guy in a crap sitch. I do keep reading about you playing video games and such. Which is one a the few outlets that I feel I have. So I was curious as to what you play.

I'm feeling pretty good tonight. I went out with a group called "Things to Do in DC" and took a haunted tour of Old Town Alexandria. It was a group of old and young of all age ranges. The bulk was single professionals.

Well, there was a really nice looking woman in the group. I noticed her right away.

I took a chance later in the night and sat at her table with her and her friends and we started chatting.

She's a Major in the Army (hottest Major I have ever seen) and has been in Iraq. We talked for a while the rest of the night and ended up going to Murphy's Irish Pub (a fantastic place with live music you sing to).

I leaned over and asked her if I could call her sometime. She said, "I don't know. What are your intentions."

Being the older, wiser, smoother man than what I was in my twenties, I simply said, "I'd like to get to know you more."

So she gave me her number and I feel like a million bucks. The hottest woman there tonight gave me her number.

I'll be happy even if I never get to talk to her, but I'll give her a call in a few days.

So I feel good about that and it was a good confidence boost for me.


About what I play:

I play A LOT of Supreme Commander and it is my primary escape at night. I'm also a huge fan of FIFA on the 360. I play at night when I get home.

I'm also really into submarine simulators like Silent Hunter 4.

I play a lot of games with my daughter and offer this thought to any parents looking for good games to play with their kids:

Lego Star Wars (really fun)
Marvel Ultimate Alliance (Very good to play with the kids)
Almost anything on the Wii, but Mario Galaxy is great and fun for the kids to watch or play with you.
She and I also like to play Zak and Wiki, which is an adventure game and very good to play with your kid because you solve puzzles. My daughter has helped me solve a few of them and has come up with ideas when we've been stuck, which has been cool and has given us some things to talk about later and joke about.

So those are the games I play. It's fun to play with the kids and the title selection expands as they get older. I'm looking forward to playing Zelda: Four Swords when the kids are older.

Getting a number is FUN!!!!

See, you still got it!!!

I had an interesting call from my ex tonight.

I've been thinking about the possibility of getting a cat. I'm chewing on this as a possibility of just having a living thing in my home and a furry companion. It's nice to know that SOMEONE is happy to see me on a daily basis.

So I talked to my daughter tonight about the fact that I was thinking about it and I asked her for ideas on a name for a cat.

I'm leaning towards Chewie and she suggested Luke.

So we say goodnight and hang up.

My phone rang a few minutes later and it was exww. She started asking me if this was true and questioning me as to why since I'm allergic. She said "allergic" with some skepticism since I'm considering getting a cat.

I am indeed allergic, but I don't mind taking something to help me with that to have a cat. I enjoyed having them over the years.

She then asked me if I wanted our old family cat. This was her cat when we were married and one I got for her as a gift to keep her company while I was going through pilot training.

She says I should do it for DD6, since she liked the cat.

Now that I sit here writing this and I think about it, I am wondering why, now that she owns her own home, she doesn't get the cat herself if it truly is for the kids.

I had this cat after our divorce. I didn't really want the cat and always associated the cat with her. So I took it to her house one day and asked her to take it and when she refused I left the cat at her feet, which ticked her off.

She gave it away supposedly because her landlord would get upset if she had a cat in the house.

So she owns her own home now. Could get and keep the cat if she wants to.

I didn't answer her and simply told her I'd think about it.

Well, now that I think about it I don't know if I should respond or just let it go. What say you?

What I would say is this:

Exww,

I've thought about your offer of getting the cat back from you. If you truly want this cat for DD6, then I suggest you get it back for your own house since you now own a home and don't have a landlord that will object.

Otherwise, I'd rather get a new start with a new cat that doesn't remind me of your infidelity and subsequent destruction of our family and marriage.

Thank you for your very thoughtful suggestion, but no thanks.

Sincerely,

POM

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