I got the Master's decision today and I'm ok with it overall. Here's the basics:

Kids go to school in WV (this part I don't like).

BUT

I get the kids 3/4 weekends a month from Friday night through Monday morning when I'll drop them off at WV daycare.

I get them 4/5 weekends a month on month's with 5 weekends.

She gets final decision authority on school and daycare issues and discipline.

I get final decision authority on religious issues.

I get every Easter.

I get every Ash Wednesday.

Health decisions to be shared equally.

I get the kids on school holidays in November of this year.

Holidays are split.

Summer time: I get the kids during the week. She gets them every other weekend. She gets two non consecutive weeks of vacation in the summer time. So I basically get the entire summer and can pick a daycare for the kids for the summer.

The fact that I have the summer months and will pick a daycare will be factored when calculating CS.

We're required to meet in a public place for the exchange of the kids on my Fridays if I choose not to pick them up from WV. She must bring them to the agreed upon location by 7 PM.

That's pretty much it.

All in all, not too bad. I get a significant amount of time with the kids under this arrangement. It isn't 50/50, but it's not bad. It's certainly ok for where they are right now in their age and things can change as they get older and start making their own decisions.

Other than the fact that they go to WV, I'm ok with this.

It will make dating a little difficult since I will be with the kids most weekends, but that's not a big deal. I'm not in a relationship right now anyways and it's not a priority for me.

But this arrangement will let me pick some summer bible school courses or communion prep or sports for them and I can spend the entire summer talking to them in Spanish as well as weekends.

There are places I was criticized fairly, but so was she.

I can spend a good amount of time with the kids and teach them both their religion and Spanish.

What do you guys think?

Given: she's a exww. I know how all of you feel about WSes getting kids.

Thanks for faithfully keeping is updated, POM.

All in all, sounds like things went pretty well. I'm sorry the school issue didn't work out as you had hoped, though. How long does it take to drive from where you live to where WW will be? (I think you told us before but I can't seem to find that info.)

When will the CS be calculated?

And BTW, please don't feel pressed to answer questions that might work against you, as I'm sure "The Opposing Team" may read here for a while to come.

You seem to have a great attitude and that is worth so much! Your children are lucky to have a caring father with a positive outlook on life.

Hey man.. I know I don't post to you much.. but this is a small victory at least. If it's temporary, make the most of it, and keep shooting for more.

I know I don't need to tell you, but document everything.. every misstep she makes can help you.

Praying for you bro.

I think this is the best decision the court could give you. It's not tremendous but it's certainly better than I expected given all I know about your case (modifying a consent order is very tough). Be proud of yourself.

If you calculate the actual hours you spend with them when they are not stuck in some daycare or school, you're actually going to have more time with them than her which is great for those kids. Wayward households are deseased corrupt places and they are going to need as much time as possible with you to counter-balance that.

Be mindful that YOU are going to be their only true moral compass for the rest of their lives. They've got one corrupt parent so you must be mindful of your morals. No women spending the night. No inappropriateness. etc.

Since you will be getting summers, you MAY want to consider some seasonal extra-job you can do to earn extra money that won't interfere with your summers with the kids. Something you can do weeknights during the winter to keep you busy and out of trouble. The fight likely won't be over forever. This was a round 5 victory, but they'll be more battles to come and your war chest needs replenishing. Plus...YOU need money to someday retire, etc. for yourself. For example, maybe the night shift at the local bowling alley (I say that because the summers are dead at bowling alleys) or seasonal help at the mall. It may be beneath your abilities but, hey, it's extra cash and no pressure.

I'm happy for you but still sad for you and those kids. You and they didn't deserve what she did to y'all.

and....
if SHE reads this...
she can kiss my ______. Unrepentent adulteress.

This may be the first of many consequences that WILL befall her. Bet on it. At least the kids are less likely to be around her when the other ones hit.

Mr. Wondering

I am most sincerely happy for you Papa. You basically scored the entire summer with your kids. This a incredible. the amount of time you get to spend with them on weekends is invaluable. WV is not TOO far away.

It sounds like a good settlement for now. HOPEfully, you will be able to show that you are a more stable solution in those kids lives for the future. Your xWW is darn lucky that you are there to pick up the pieces that she created.

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate the kind words. It could have been worse.

There were mistakes I made and things I forgot to state that could have made the difference on the school issue, but that's ok.

WV is 40 miles away. So the bad part is that that is an extra 120 miles per week I have to drive that I don't have to right now.

But the summer is a huge thing. I can do things with the kids, teach them Spanish, enroll them in programs to supplement the terrible WV school system.

Mr. W, your suggestion of a night job has crossed my mind, but I have one better for you: lessons of some sort (guitar comes to mind) and, you'll love this one: Law school!

Looking into it as a possibility.

I feel like things can only go up from here.

Yes, there are some issues I haven't posted and won't since there is a hearing on the 5th coming up to determine CS and how legal fees will be paid.

Another good development: We've been ordered to go to parenting classes with new parenting coordinators.

I'm in a much different place now than I was a year ago, so this is a good thing as well because I was still dealing with the emotions of everything when we went to see the PC last time. Totally different place now than then. I'm not dealing with anger. I feel acceptance, if anything. And I've read a lot about communicating which will help as well.

Yes, a trial is coming up, but odds are they will stick to what was just ordered unless something drastic happens or we settle for something different between us.

We'll have to see.

Again, thanks to all. I'm not jumping for joy (because WV schools are terrible) but I'm at peace with the outcome because it's more time than I have right now and solid quality time in the summer for the kids, my family, and myself and I have most of the weekends of the year to teach them their faith.

Sounds like a pretty good deal. Here's some food for thought on the schools. We have some friends who are 2nd generation Korean, and some who are 2nd generation Vietnamese. In both households, the kids come home from school, eat a snack, and then they all sit down at the kitchen table. For 2 to 3 hours, every week night, they do homework. If they finish their homework, they find more work in their books or in workbooks to do, to reinforce the lessons they're learning. If they finish that, and their brothers or sisters are still working on their own stuff, the older ones help the younger ones with homework or practicing.

Needless to say, this same school district, which puts out hundreds of dropouts and failing students, is able to produce many such families whose kids make straight As and go on to win scholarships, earn degrees, have great lives.

The difference? These kids reinforce their school with extra work. Something you can easily do on the weekends. get the reinforcement out of the way each Saturday morning, enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Anyway you cut it you still scored big by keeping the kids for the summer and most weekends. The lessions you teach them will guide them the rest of there lives. Keep the faith and God bless you and the kids.

I will look for ways to supplement the second worst school system in the country. Every report I read says that MD is awesome in every way. 2nd nationally in AP testing. 3rd Overall in the nation after Massachussets and NY. WV? Near the bottom.

BUT this can be overcome with "re-enforcement" on Saturday mornings and summer education to supplement.

I'll encourage lots of reading and special concentration on Math. I hated Math growing up but I see now how those things could have really helped me as a pilot and in other fields.

But the overall decision is satisfactory except for the school thing. I have some minor quibbles or things I want cleared up, but it's overall very fair.

Take them to the bookstore, and let them each pick out their own workbook (there are tons of them), and they can work through them each weekend with you. My D17 loved picking out workbooks so much that she often spent her allowance on them.

Great advice for all: Don't get serious with anyone till after College is over.

If you're a pilot, wait till you've "done your time" up front before looking to get married. Things settle down when you get to your late twenties, which is a great time to look to settle down anyways.

Seems like the brain is mature by then for both men and women to make smarter choices about life and mates.

Never turn away from God. Doing so didn't work well for my family. We turned away for a time.

So there you have it. My big message to the kids: Be proud book worms! Play sports! Read a lot! Be altar boys and girls!

And do it in Spanish when at my place.

Congratulations Pom! That was quite a ride for you. Enjoy the added time with your kids.

Did your WxW's A introduce MB at all during the hearing?

The school system in FL is horrible as well. That's why we home school. If your interested in some home school programs as a supplement let me know.

He tried to use MB at my deposition.

He may try again. I don't know. I know they read my posts.

Thing is, I could be pomdbd3's brother in California, or his sister in Costa Rica, or his step mother in Indiana simply posting thoughts about life and marriage and MB and he can't prove any different.

Heck, I think that I may give my username and password to some fellow MBers to make all kinds of postings.

Good idea actually.

I also think I may change my screen name four or five more times.

It really doesn't matter in the end. They're not going to take children away from their father because he posts about infidelity and his experiences with it on an anonymous forum.

Courts are too busy to care about this stuff and care about bigger issues.

I saw this first hand. They didn't care about medical records from 10 years ago. They didn't care that I was the greatest Boy Scout in the world growing up.

They didn't care that the ex cheated.

That stuff isn't important.

Stability, attitude towards family, openness, flexibility, demeanor. These are things that matter.

You did GREAT!!!
You'll have the kids during most of their free time.
You're the one that they'll actually interact with, who'll know their thoughts and attitudes, and who they'll be comfortable confiding in.

Regarding schools - I have a family member who went to a pretty bad school in Georgia. Was in beta club, graduated high (though not top) of her class, went to college on an academic scholarship, got a master's degree summa cum laude, and is doing great in the job world.

I have another family member who is in a terrible WV school and she earned a gold medal in the National Latin Examination (even though it's really a globally administered exam). She's still in school and if she continues like she's going now, she'll have her pick of colleges to attend.

You get out of schools what you put into them, really. Sure there will be some idiot teachers that make you wonder how they remember to breathe, and your kids' education will suffer in that subject for that year but overall they'll be fine and they'll have a better idea of what real life and the real world is like. Your kids are going to be fine.

Felicitaciones!

Oh, you can also schedule one vacation day every month and make appointments to meet with all their teachers. Get to know them, get them to know you, know you're interested. You wouldn't believe how excited teachers get when a parent actually gets that involved. It's so rare nowadays, especially when they get to junior high and high school. D17's school has 4000 kids, and fewer than 100 parents attend PTA meetings; heck, probably fewer than 50. Anyway, they'll give you syllabuses (syllabi?) of the work they'll be doing that month, keep you up to date, exchange emails with you...all up to you. And you'll be the hero of the schools.

Papa! How fantastic. I think it was very fair- and I think it's hilarious she has to meet you on Fridays.

All summer?? How sweet is that!!!

Wonder if your WW's attorney would like to include this thread in his court documents??? I'm like Mr. W. You can kiss my _________ if so.

Thanks, coach. They submitted your opinion on a thread from long ago. Funny how they haven't introduced all the supportive and good ones but only focus on the critical ones. I wonder why. :RollieEyes:

Thank God for the return of RollieEyes!

I just caught up with my old attorney. We're on good terms.

It's funny, she went up against Darth WHNACG in another case. Turns out that she thinks very poorly of him (seems to reflect the opinion of my current attorney).

She said that he wasted a lot of time and money and lots of Hollywood antics that had no relevance to the case and she thought he was abrasive and a jerk. She also said he clearly didn't know what he was doing and had a poor understanding on how to practice family law. She said his abrasive antics impress no one in court and will likely backfire on him someday.

My family thinks he sucks and was a jerk and was comical in his theatrics.

Him: "I object!"
Master: "To what?"
Him: "Umm. Nevermind. Retracted."

My family laughed and laughed about this because he did it all the time.

Colonel I work for, "That guy is an abrasive [censored]."

Former lawyer of mine said what she said.

My attorney has her own thoughts.

For me, I say, "Nuts!" and thank the Bloody [censored] of Bastogne.

Hi pom,

I'm very happy to hear you get authority on religious decisions.

Also that you get Easter and Ash Wednesday!

Maybe you could get them in your religious ed course? I'm assuming you teach and they are entering 2nd grade? I'm catholic so when you mention communion I'm thinking sacrament.

Congratulations Pom! You should consider this a victory. As someone said earlier, you get the good time with the kids. She gets to do homework and put them to bed early. I bet you're glad this ordeal is over. Get some rest and take care of yourself!

Hah.. not to sidetrack us..

But I never knew you were a pilot (guess I should have read more closely).. just another thing we have in common..

Course I'm just a private pilot.. but hey..

Studied to be an airport manager and took my flight instruction for college credit (maximizing that money man!).. and now I am a programmer.. go fig

Great advice, catperson.
When we lived in a super good school district, the parents were everywhere - fund raisers, office volunteers, they were coming out of the woodwork every time you visited the school. At parent/teacher conference time they sent home a slip saying "Your scheduled time for Parent/Teacher conference is Tuesday from 3:00 to 3:20 p.m." and when you got to the classroom, the child's file was ready and the teacher discussed your child's strengths and weaknesses with you.

Then we moved to a sucky school district and when the first Parent/Teacher conference day came around, there wasn't a set time, more of a "Tuesday after school" thing. I took time off work and went to meet the teachers. When I introduced myself to the first teacher they looked shocked and said "But your child is doing very well in my class - why are you here?" Then we chatted and used up almost the entire Parent/Teacher time because no other parents showed up.

WOW.

I flew KC-135s in the AF. NKAWTG! (No one Kicks A$$ Without Tanker Gas!)

I have 50 combat missions under my belt.

Got out because the WW ambushed me with "I want a divorce" the day I came home from deployment.

Rocked my world and....well, you know the standard BH reaction and sob story.

Standard wayward behavior ensued, "Just friends" comments made, and you know the rest of the standard story.

Got out in a mis-guided thought process where I thought I'd be able to save my marriage and family in doing so. I now work at the Pentagon as a defense analyst.

Sure miss flying, though. Best job I'll ever have.

But my new "best job" is being a dad. This settlement, or order, or finding, or whatever you want to call it, gives me significant quality time with the kids and ensures I can stay as a positive influence in their lives and have enough time to supplement their education and teach them their faith.

So this is a good thing. It will be great as they get older and we can do more stuff together. I'm sure that pretty soon we'll be going to DC United games together and will be doing all kinds of fun stuff in addition to the serious stuff.

This also gives my family a really good chance to see the kids a lot once the summer comes.

So there's lots of good stuff. You never know. I may get current in a plane again and start teaching people how to fly for fun.

I'll be a flying instructor/lawyer/swing dancing/defense analyst.

All kinds of possibilities are opened up now!

"Always look on the bright side of life!" (Whistling ensues from the Life of Bryan)

That's awesome man.. I grew up to the sounds of KC-135's flying out of Grissom AFB (now a reserve base) my entire childhood.


Even got to take a trip with one of the flying gas stations with the Scouts one time.. got to lay down and fly the boom a bit.. and the pilot gave us a few seconds of weightlessness just for kicks.. as a kid I thought it was super cool.. now I just do stalls and power down the engine over cornfields for kicks..

[T/J] When I worked at NASA, the KC-135 'vomit comet' pilots were always taking school groups and other groups up to do the weightless thing. They always took barf bags with them, cos a lot of the people needed them, lol.[/T/J]

Isn't ironic that they picked one post over so many to you???
They should have included them all to be fair!

It's okay though, cuz she's never gonna get it. IMO she's always going to have the wayward mentality.

I'm so glad to say that I do not and that I consider myself a FWW!

Indeed, coach, it is funny that they handpicked your one negative post to me to submit.

None of it is admissable anyways nor do judges care about the ramblings of anonymous and faceless posters online. It's heresay.

I just got back from a week long trip to California with the kids. Those kids LOVE the swimming pool. They would literally spend the entire day in there if they could. It was neat to see them overcome their fear of the water and swim around the deep end and jump off the diving board. Seems like belly flops are popular with four year olds.

The family got great quality time with them and the highlight of the trip for the kids was Disneyland. The boys eyes lit up when they saw the "real" Lightning McQueen and Mater and my DD got a hug from the "real" Alice (from Alice in Wonderland) and she got to see the "real" Ariel, who waived at her.

It was neat to see that innocence and excitement and a lot of fun.

The boys were literally falling asleep on their feet at the end of the night right before we got on the Nemo ride (which was the best one IMHO).

I have news on other fronts. My shoulder may not need surgery, which is good news. The bad news is that it looks like I have an abnormality in my neck which is pinching a nerve. So further testing will help show what's going on.

But it's all liveable and I'm coping with the pain well.

I've started guarding my calories more and am really going to put in an all out effort into losing weight.

I got invited to an Opera tonight by an old eHarmony contact who has been a friend for a year. It's funny because I really connected with her on a character level. She's a current Naval officer and former aircrew. She's an oceanographer so is quite smart.

We enjoy being so openly nerdy with each other.

But the bad part is that she chose a different guy a year ago which she ended up being engaged to. The bad news? That guy cheated on her.

So we're going to the Opera tonight, totally platonically. I'm going for the experience.

I'm going to see if I can interest her in a soccer game for the weekend.

So life carries on.

Went to the Opera last night. It was quite the experience. I can now say it's not my cup of tea. I think it was the opera itself and not so much opera in general. I don't mind reading subtitles, but the play itself didn't capture me.

The story was of a tragedy and a comedy that are forced to be mixed together by a man watching the two different acts.

It was certainly very European in both it's humor and tone.

Entertaining from an educational standpoint, but not really my cup of tea.

My friend is a hoot to hang out with. She's currently dating a guy that cheated on her while they were engaged, which baffles me. I told her I didn't understand that and that she was a good catch and that there are plenty of fish in the sea.

We went as friends and had a good time.

Don't think I'll be going to another Opera again, though.

I volunteered to work the tail gate at the DC United game this weekend and enjoyed the game afterwards. It was fun, but not as much fun as going with someone and sharing the experience. I was also a little disappointed with the club and the "nest". They weren't as hard core as the other fan club, who seemed to be leading all the singing and chanting. I got some great video of the game, including when we unfurled this giant banner and I was underneath, beating the sheet after we scored a goal.

The neatest part came at half time. The Barra Brava went into the hallways of RFK, where the concessions are, and started singing and dancing. Hundreds of people were crammed in there and chanting. I got video of that too.

It still felt a little lonely. It would be nice to find a buddy who enjoyed going as much as I do.

The good news is that I've been talking to another MB member who lives near here and does like soccer, so I may be able to convert someone to be a United fan.

Sally called me on her drive back from NY and we talked for a good while. I asked her if she wants to go see Les Mis with me and she said yes so I am looking forward to that.

I've backed off of calling and texting her and she's surprised me with contacting me. So I'm really starting to think that if I continue to be friends, continue running and getting back in shape (it's so hard!) that it may pay off.

Any pointers on apetite control? Seems like that's my greatest weakness. I've been hitting the treadmill, but not seeing results like I use to. I just need to accept I'm not 18 anymore and can't just drop 10 pounds in 2 weeks like I use to when I was wrestling.

So I have a question for those of you who divorced:

How long did you go before you actually felt like dating again?

I really don't feel like putting in the effort or energy into meeting someone right now. Sally is the exception, of course, but I don't feel like really trying otherwise. Seems like it would be too much to deal with.

I've taken the attitude that "what happens happens" and that I won't actively look, at least not for a little while. Seems like my heart's not in it, except for Sally, of course.

Or maybe that's the problem. I really like her so the idea of pursuing others isn't really in the equation.

I was just telling D17 that yesterday. She's starting 12th grade, and for the first time, she finally met a guy she really likes and wants to go out with, but they dated for a while and he decided to go out with someone else. So I told her the only way he'll likely get interested in her again is if she isn't acting like she's dying to go out with him.

As for getting into shape, I'd recommend adding some yoga. It does wonders for muscle toning, and once you get the muscles toned, the weight comes off faster, cos the calories burn faster. At least that's what they taught us when I was taking fitness classes at the gym at NASA. And it's great for your peace of mind.

Someone else recommended Yoga to help me with my BP. My BP is still high, but it has dropped a little over the past week that I've been running.

I think my problem is a lack of patience for results (along with poor discipline in terms of eating). I do get results within 2 weeks when I do the weight lifting/running combo and should think about doing that again.

4:40 wakeups are painful, though!

But, if that's the price of getting in shape, then so be it. Especially if it helps me attract someone like Sally.

Or someone else at the gym who's into bettering themselves like you are.

Why, oh why do I have to be crazy about a woman that is emotionally unavailable?!

Arhghhhhh!

Asked Sally if she wanted to go grab dinner. She said yes and went to her favorite place. We sat, drank wine, and chatted the night away.

I was looking at her the whole time and thinking, "She's gorgeous. She's gorgeous. She's gorgeous."

Watching as she spoke and I'm just sighing inside.

Unavailable.

Looks. Smarts. Conversation. Speaks two languages. Been around the world. Educated. Cultured.

Whole package. Would take her home to mom. DID take her home to mom. And mom approved!

Alas, still too wounded to be receptive.

But patience is my friend.

We're going to go see Les Miserables next week. I invited her first, then my entire divorce group. Granted, I was hoping they would all say no. And they have!

So it will be her and I at Wolf Trap on the night before my birthday.

Sigh.

Self torture.

That's ok. She's the only woman I want to date right now. If it wasn't for her I'd take a vow of celibacy and run off and join the priesthood.

Any suggestions?

As someone I know would say...

Take plenty of cold showers

Hopefully it will all come around soon. Give patience and it will come.

Cold showers?

Sigh.

What's frustrating is that I think she very much enjoys spending time with me but is just too hurt to let go and take a chance.

But that's ok. Patience is a virtue.

She told me that she thought about calling me up on Monday night to go have dinner. I was thinking, "Why didn't you?!"

I tried to focus as much of the conversation last night on her and what was going on in her life.

She has a new job, new challenges, etc.

What's great is that I have no trouble at all not talking about my ex and my legal stuff anymore.

We had some txt exchanges later in the night. I told her we need to have a Casablanca movie night and a 300 night.

I loved Casablanca. Could relate to the story of falling madly in love with a woman, thinking things were amazing, and then having her disappear without any real understanding as to why.

Same goes with her coming back out of the blue. One of my "fish that got away".

Great film.

So we'll have a night where we'll watch that.

300 is great too, but that's for different reasons. Might hold off on that one. It's my current all time favorite movie, but not so sure it's great wooing type of movie. Been told to get the Notebook and invite her over. I was browsing movies last night and thought Just Friends was perfect.

Still, When Harry Met Sally is what I'm hoping for.

The casual approach is best. Be friends without tipping my hat too much.

Agreed, POM! Just catching up here, and glad to see that you've got so much going on in your life! That you are independent and have so much going on for you is sure to attract Sally if she's as ambitious as you say. Ambitious people want other ambitious people in their life!

I think the "slow" friends first approach is good in your sitch-- for her. Sounds like she's worth it And as her hurt dissipates, she'll see more and more in you... slowly...

Glad to hear things are going so well for you!

E.

I will be seeing her for Les Mis next week.

I really hope she has fun.

I hope it's a good production of it.

I'm sure we'll head to dinner beforehand.

I guess that if we keep having positive interactions like this that they will have an effect on her and give her positive memories as she heals and starts feeling better about her life.

She is ambitious indeed. She's a hard worker and I admire her drive at her job.

Told her I'd like to find something closer to home. The drive to work is getting old. Would be nice to find something up where I live.

Couldn't do it without a big paycut, though.

So I have a big date for next week. Yes, it's as friends. But I can still look forward to it. She always looks good when I see her.

Will need to run an extra mile every day before then!

Gotta lay off the cookies and wine, though. Too much of those last night.

don't know what got into me last night. Went home after our date, opened a bottle of wine, had two glasses and baked cookies while watching a movie.

So I'll try to get an extra mile in tonight as my penance for indulging last night.

I'm so glad Fall is around the corner. Can wear my favorite clothes very soon.

I want to invite her over to watch a movie tonight, but am just going to play it cool instead. Want to see if she reaches out to me if I back off.

Mmmm... wine. I am a self-admitted wine-o. I love wine... I love savoring a good glass with dinner, sipping a good glass before bed while reading a book. MMM...

Keep us updated with your dates!

Have you heard from her again?



E.

I had my kids for the weekend and it was a nice one. I want to plan some more activities with them in the upcoming months. I'd like to get a fish tank like I use to have and have been looking around for any bargains. I think the kids will really like having some. Been thinking about a cat too but I'm allergic.

I had a cat for years and years and always attributed my congestion to dust mites. Well, lo and behold I'm very allergic to cat pelt. The lightbulb didn't go off for me until I let someone watch my former cat for 3 weeks and then got her back. Sneeze fest ensued and watery eyes followed.

I checked my med records and it was right there: Allergies - cat pelt.

Somehow missed that in all my years of flying.

I took the kids back to exww on Monday afternoon and was hoping to hear from Sally. I sent her a text early in the afternoon and didn't hear back so I didn't text her the rest of the day.

She texted me very late and asked me if I was ok. She said she was surprised she didn't hear from me all day.

So I texted back and told her I sent her something and didn't hear back from her and didn't want to bother her too much.

She said she was sorry she didn't get my text and spent the day riding bikes with a friend of ours.

So she sure notices when she doesn't hear from me, which I guess is a good sign.

We're going out Thursday night to see Les Mis and I'm really looking forward to that. I'm going to clean my car out, pick her up, and make the most of the night while keeping things friendly.

Next Friday is my birthday. So what's a great way to spend it? I get to go to court to discuss finances and have a judge determine new child support amounts based on our settlement.

I guess it could be a good day.

The good news is that I get to see the kids again next weekend.

DD6 is really growing up fast and so are the boys. It's amazing how quickly they progress. I really look forward to the day when all four of us can sit down and play a game together either at a table or on a console (really want to play Legend of Zelda: Four Swords with the kids, but they're still to little).

I have images in my head of playing pitch and catch with a real batter and catcher and pitcher between all of us or going on camp outs to the woods.

Those things will be a lot of fun.

I had my CS hearing yesterday and it was on my birthday of all days.

I was offered an amount I can live with with one big exception. They expected me to pay the same amount through the summer months when I get the kids full time and she doesn't have them. I said that there was no possible way. I simply can't afford to pay a summer time daycare, take care of the kids full time, and pay out that amount of CS.

So the negotiating started.

There were two incidents while we were negotiating. I was talking in the hallway with my lawyer when my ex's attorney, Darth WHNACG started making comments to me to antagonize me while I spoke to my attorney. I started arguing with him and asking him if I was expected to pull money out of my a$$ in the summer time because it was impossible for me to pay what they were asking during those months.

I started to move away and focus on talking with my lawyer when he said, "Maybe you would feel better if one of your kids was killed".

I lost it and started really arguing with him at that point, asking him what the hell that's supposed to mean.

The judge sent the bailiff out into the hallway and she came up and told me I needed to calm down. A lady sitting nearby pointed to Darth WHNACG and told the bailiff that he was antagonizing me and being very unprofessional while I was trying to consult with my attorney.

I was outraged by the comment and spent the the rest of the afternoon trying to cool down. I haven't wanted to kick anyone's a$$ in a long time, but he sure as heck succeeded in getting me that angry.

I was trying to cool down about the incident when my exMIL came into the hallway. I told her, "You want to know what that sh*tbag you hired said to me?"

I told her and she seemed shocked and disturbed. She didn't say anything but retreated to report it back to my ex.

The ex came out a little later. She came up and said "I just want to apologize for what he said."

I was still pretty angry and admittedly should have just said "Thanks, but it's not your fault. You didn't make the comment."

I instead lit into her and went off on how much of a scum bag he was and that if she really wanted to apologize she should fire him on the spot for such a comment. I added that I sure as he77 would do it with my lawyer if she said something like that. I told her that an apology from her means nothing since she didn't say anything.

So I could have handled that better, but I was still very angry.

I was LATER going over the latest version of the pig with lipstick settlement offer being made when exww came up to me again with boyfriend in tow. She wanted to chastise me for reacting angrily at her attempted apology.

I looked at her bf and asked, "what are you doing here, you have nothing to do with this?"

He was angry and started raising his voice at me and saying that I needed to treat her nicer and with respect.

I told him to butt out and that this had nothing to do with any of this and he had no say in the matter. I was angry again at this point and he started raising his voice as well. My lawyer started telling me to stop talking to them and the exww pulled the bf away before things escalated further.

As they walked away I told him that the sooner he learned his place in all of this and understood he had no status or say that the sooner everything would get better.

So that was my lovely birthday.

I did get a final say with the judge at the end of the day.

I stood up when it was all over and was allowed to address the court.

I told the judge that Mr. Darth WHNACG had been on thin ice with me for a long time over his behavior in our case. I explained how he crossed the line this evening and told him what happened. I then pointed to the lady who was a witness and willing to testify to the same over what he did in the hallway. I ended it by saying that I would be filing a complaint with the MD Bar.

I also mentioned that exww's bf attempted to intimidate me in the hallway and that I wanted it ordered that he was to no longer be present at our child exchanges.

The judge couldn't do anything over something he didn't witness in regards to the ex's attorney and he pointed out to me that our order does address boyfriends, girlfriends, and step parents.

So off I went to get the kids. My friends took me out to eat and it was a handful with the kids, but ended up at least making up for the day.

So that was certainly one of the most memorable birthdays I had, but it still doesn't top my worst one ever.

Happy belated birthday!

{{{pom}}} Do you have any family of your own?

I think you did wonderfully. I love it when a guy stands up for himself like you have. And I hope that a$$ has to do 100 hours of community service for what he said. I wouldn't have been able to restrain myself like you did - wow.

PS: Time to change your moniker to one of success!

It's been a heck of a day after birthday.

Exww called me to tell me CS didn't come through. I explained that it did transfer on Friday and it should be showing up in her account when the bank opens Monday and processes the payment. Mine shows it as having been sent.

We argued. She told me this couldn't keep happening. I explained that I can't make transfers of money that aren't there since I'm living paycheck to paycheck. I had $120 in my account the day before, so how am I supposed to send out $1538 when there is no money.

So she lectures me on managing my money better and we get into it since I try to explain for the 50th time how I have a negative income right now and that she isn't helping anything since she has refused to lower the amount per our order.

The rude awakening came on Friday, when she learned that my CS order will be reduces by roughly $1k. That gives me breathing room, but not much because I'm supposedly (and this is to be resolved) supposed to keep paying her in the summer when I have the kids despite the fact that she won't have them.

Makes no sense to me and I'm going to try to make my case at a later hearing, but the ruling basically doesn't change anything since I'm just going to have to save a ton of money for the summer if they're expecting me to pay her CS for kids she's not seeing or taking care of AND pay a daycare and for my kids on top of everything.

It's amazing. I'm given all this time in the summer with my kids but they take away my ability to take them anywhere or really to just feed them or do anything at all with them since I'm supposed to keep paying the outrageous amount of CS through the summer. Does this make any sense?

On a positive note:

Sally came over today and had dinner with the kids and I. Her roomate moved out of their home and she is dealing with living alone. So she was going a little stir crazy with being alone at home and asked if she could come over. So she came and helped me make dinner. We all sat down and ate together and she waited around for me to put the kids to bed. We watched Flags of Our Fathers afterwards.

I feel like we're really connecting as friends. I'm seeing her less and less as a romantic interest (because she's simply not ready) and more and more as a friend to hang out with and grow a friendship with.

Don't get me wrong. I'd love it if she suddenly had the fires stoked, but I can't expect it and don't right now. My daughter likes her and thinks she's nice.

I think it's good that she chose to hang out with us instead of being alone. She certainly could have just taken off to go somewhere or watch movies by herself.

So it was a nice night to bond as friends and I take it as a hopeful sign.

Wow, things change in 30 years. My dad had to pay $100/month for child support for me and my brother in the early 70s, and he screamed bloody murder. Of course, they bought our 2-story, 4-bedroom house in 69 for $18,000.

btw, IMO, the best marriage partner is your best friend BEFORE you get married.

You know whats weird is that she still reads your threads on here, and her lawyer too probably. Yet you manage to stick it to them by posting your POV on here, which is admirable.

Hey lawyer dude, what exactly was that comment supposed to mean??

Hey Ex-ww, We don't peruse your myspace page, so why not just leave pom alone here on MB?

Just ask Danceswithanger. That's my exww's name her on MB.

Thank tha mods for that one.

Perhaps she can post on my thread again to try and get me to argue about something to try to use it against me later.

POM, that's the most outrageous thing, for the scummy lawyer to have said to you. I thought I couldn't be shocked any more, but I am!

Ask some of our resident attorneys if there is any legal recourse you might take against him. Perhaps Mr. Wondering could help?

There is indeed a place to protest idiotic and unethical behavior. What he did wasn't necessarily unethical (by their standards) but I'm sure it will raise eyebrows.

But combine that with some of his other underhanded things and that may put things in a different light. I'm going to check.

pomdbd3,

Don't you think they probably riled you up on purpose? They got the reaction they were looking for because you couldn't control yourself.

Your temper isn't going to do you any favors - and your ex knows it.

You don't THINK when you are angry - you REACT.

You need to fight with brains not brawn in this one or she is going to win.

I understand why you reacted the way you did, I'm just afraid it works against you when you get in front of the judge and YOU are red-faced and indignant and they are calm and cool.

Everything in my case is settled except for child support. That's to be decided.

Yes, I understand what you're saying. I just disagree that there shouldn't be any consequences for unprofessional behavior.

WOW. You know she should have been offended by that HERSELF . I mean, her attorney was talking about her child as well. I would have fired him on the spot.

She's a piece of work your exWW.

Exactly.

And that is where she is going to hurt you next. Your pocketbook.



I fully believe there should be consequences also. A fist fight in the hallway isn't going to do it.

A calm, rational, response that you plan to address this issue would scare the bajeezus out of someone. You lose credibility when you go off half-cocked.

Who did the bailiff speak to? You, or them? Who was loud and disruptive?

I'm not saying you were wrong for you reaction, I'm just saying it doesn't give you any points in the eyes of the judge.

The only way HE can make a point is through your pocketbook.

We were in the hallway when the bailiff came out. She asked me to keep it down and a woman on the side jumped in by pointed to the attorney and saying that he was provoking me and antagonizing me.

The judge was in the ballpark of what I thought CS would be set at. The only big beef on my part is that he wants me to pay that same amount in the summer time when I'm supposed to have the kids full time and get them a daycare of my own.

THAT I can't do. No matter how they paint it, I can't do that.

I've suggested a solution which I hope makes everyone happy, but it will be up to the ex.

I got it, pomdbd3, I understand your frustration and your indignation.

If you are looking for your ex to agree to anything, though, it's probably not a good idea to act that way. Justified or not. She will defend her BF AND her attorney, especially when you lay into her.

I completely understand why and I can't say I wouldn't do it myself.

It was enough of a commotion to have a bailiff sent out and that can't be good for you.

I just think you should watch your temper, IMHO.

I did let the judge know what happened and what the commotion was about.

I also let him know this was a very unproffessional man.

Or very professional if your profession happens to be scumbag divorce lawyer. He probably knew exactly what kind of reaction he was going to get from you.

I'm with Fox. Gotta keep that temper under control. Breathe.

I like yoga a lot, by the way.

Yes, I understand about controlling my temper. It's not like I tackled the guy. I raised my voice at him and asked him what the he** that was supposed to mean. To be honest, I can't even remember exactly what I was saying because my adrenaline was kicked in so high.

I spent the rest of the day fuming and trying to cool down.

My mom says she's going to be with me at all my hearings from now on to prevent any further stuff like that from happening.

Heck, I might have to stop HER from letting the very short, angry latin woman explode on him while she "protects" her son. Nothing like a Latin Momma Bear yelling in Spanish to make the scumbag scurry away. The idea is kind of funny, actually.

I also have to say that the attorneys I've dealt with have been decent people. My attorney is good. The kid's attorney, though biased against me for whatever reason, struck me as striving to be fair.

My ex's other attorney is good and reasonable as well. My former attorney is too.

So this guy is in a category of his own. Don't know where to put him.

There was something that happened during the waiting that did break my heart. I had several people come up and ask me if I was an attorney. I was dressed in a suit and looked the part.

This spanish speaking lady showed up for a hearing and she didn't know where to go and was lost. I helped her out as best I could.

She asked me to translate for her and it broke my heart to see what happened. She was maneuvered into a divorce by her ex husband, who kept her son and lawyered up. She's a lady without resources or the knowledge of what is available to her to get help and she had no representation.

She had a court order in hand telling her that she had to pay her ex husband money each month for their son and she was in tears. She didn't understand how she could have 2 of the 3 kids and have to pay him money.

I couldn't help her more and it broke my heart.

I'm more determined now than ever to seek that law degree and help people like her, regardless of ethnicity. I want to become a defender of betrayed spouses and possibly reform the law to restore fault in divorces.

Sally was triggered this weekend.

I think I handled it ok, but come here for some advice.

She called me a few times this weekend, asking me if I wanted to go to the local fair with the kids.

I had plans with them already so I didn't.

She went and ran into a booth setup by her exH. She saw some old mutual friends of theirs, which triggered her and upset her. It was a couple that they use to hang out with and the H works with her exH.

She ran into her former friend's wife and the OW in the super market and saw them hanging out together as she use to hang out with her back when they were married.

This upset her, of course, and was a trigger. She officially divorced in April, and seperated back around September a year ago. She has no kids with him.

She was understandably upset.

I didn't know about any of this on Sunday night. I invited her to come over to join the kids and I for dinner, which is when she mentioned her trigger and that she was going to another friend's house instead.

I told her I understood.

I later texted her and said:

"SOB never deserved u.
I hope he gets a raging case of VD and his nuts fall off. Keep your chin up! That's not a Christian thought, but it would be funny."

I later texted, "I'm sure Friend has a few more things to add about the cheating adulterous [censored] SOB [censored]."

She texted back with "THANKS!"

And said her friend had her choice words as well.

I ended it with, "I have plenty more for the POS. Hell has a special place for unrepentant adulterors. He'll be asking your forgiveness in a few years."

I know it always felt good to me to hear very good friends going off with a few choice words about the ex. Is this the same case for women?

I always call my California friend when I need to hear a rant about the ex. She always comes through.

But can't say that the same satisfaction would come for women, since I don't know if that's the case.

Is it?

How should I handle it if I ever run into him while hanging out with her? (There's a strong chance of this)

I figure I'd shake his hand and thank him for letting such an incredible woman be available again. I'd let him know he must be kicking himself but that his mistake gave me the chance to be with someone so incredible.

I would then grab her hand and walk away.

I'm sure she'd play along with it, but wanted to run it by the fellow betrayed ladies on this forum. How would you respond if a male friend of yours did that?

POM, not sure how all women would feel about it. But a conservative Christian woman might be put off by the language.

I don't know about others but there is no language harsh enough to describe my WstbxH and his OW. I actually get a warm fuzzy feeling when I hear someone else refer to her with insult or profanity. The less close to me they are, the warm-fuzzier I feel. (i.e. even complete strangers can see what a %$#^ she is).

keepitreal,

I very very rarely curse. So it means that much more to her when I do since it is so rare.

She's a Christian, but not super conservative. I've heard her throw a few expletives around, but not that many. Just enough to not be unattractive and that fit in the context she was using it.

So how do you handle meeting the friend's ex?

So the ex and I are facing some of the challenges of the new arrangement.

She wants me to pay full CS in the summer, when I have the kids full time, so that she can keep paying the daycare and guarantee slots will be there in the fall for the kids.

I spoke to the daycare lady and they have always had slots for school age kids in the fall.

She wants me to pay her full CS, have the kids full time, and pay my own daycare since it is obviously unrealistic for me to drive 40 miles every single morning in a completely opposite direction of my commute.

Now she suggests I give up my Sunday nights with the kids because she doesn't like the fact that I have to wake them up early to drive them 40 miles to drop them off at the daycare.

I don't like it either, but her two suggestions are:

1. Give up my time in the summer so that I don't have to get another daycare. This means big $$ for her since CS would rise dramatically.

2. Give up Sunday nights. Again, increases $$.

I sent a response today to her that said:

So far your solutions to the current challenges are:

1. Give up the time the kids spend with my family and I in the summer.

2. Give up Sunday nights.

Let me think.

Ummm.

No to both.

Now do you have some realistic suggestions or are you going to continue to insist that the kids and I see each other less?

I haven't heard from the insurance company.

Pom

The idea of meeting halfway on Monday mornings doesn't cross her mind. Her solution is for me to give up time and give her money.

The more I see how things are starting to go and her attitude, the more I'm really starting to consider moving very close to her and taking her to court in WV.

I am happy to live with the current arrangement for many years, but am not willing to stay broke to do so.

Her motivation to alienate me and get as much money from me to support her couldn't be more transparent.

Any chance you could pay daycare directly? I have a good friend who, instead of paying CS, pays all the expenses. It works out to more money than what court-ordered CS would be, but he has the peace of mind that (a) daycare is paid for (his XWW is notoriously bad with money); (b) DD has decent clothes and all required school supplies and doesn't do without anything essential and (c)he maintains control over many important issues.

Didn't the court already rule on this?? So how can she tell you you can't have them????

She's suggesting I give up my Sunday nights and summers voluntarily, as if I'm going to say, "Oh, yeah. Great! You know, it's just like me to quit just because things are tough!"

What she should realize is that when things get tough I simply get more determined.

50/50 is the ultimate goal. I plan on doing what I need to do to make that a reality and it may involve a new job, moving next to her, or both.

Either way, I'm never going to give up on the idea of getting 50/50 eventually.

I'm as much of a parent as she is and the sooner she accepts that, the sooner we can get along better.

Suggesting I voluntarily give up time with the kids and calling it "help" is an insult to my intelligence.

On a good note:

Sally and I hang out more and more. She asked me to dinner on Monday and we went with a friend. She forgot her water bottle in my car and that gave me an excuse to see her yesterday. I dropped it off and she invited me in to sit on her porch and talk.

She's still hurting a lot. Feels numb about everything. Seems uneasy with her work. Can't see herself in a relationship.

I'm guessing these are common feelings for a woman so fresh out of a divorce after being with someone for so long. She was with this man right after high school and he's all she's known.

So I listened and offered some encouragement.

She likes my new beard, btw.

She grilled some chicken and we ate together. The conversation turned from the heaviness of hard topics like her divorce and a friend of hers coping with a cheating husband to lighter stuff like board games and TV shows.

I really enjoy hanging out with her. Yes, I still find her very attractive, but have put those thoughts on the back burner. She's hurting a lot and I need to be there for her as a friend for now. I offered to trim her front yard, but my trimmer won't turn on. Need to get that fixed!

She doesn't like being alone in her house. It's a new experience for her. I've been alone for years, both before and after my marriage, so I'm use to it.

I really miss my friend from Oklahoma and this experience with Sally has shown me how special that frienship is/was. She lived next door to me 10 years ago and we hung out almost daily. Two broken hearts consoling each other and a frienship that is still there today.

I'd be very happy if such a frienship developed with Sally. We live close enough to each other to hang out together all the time. I'm not going to push it and am leaving a bit more in her court.

So far she seems happy to continue to hang out with me.

She and the rest of my divorce group are coming to my place tomorrow for pizza and Wii and to just chat.

Should be a good time.

Nuts!

Sorry Pom.

Isn't your current arrangement court ordered? Can she legally change anything? Perhaps you can just stick by the order to the letter for now while working on a plan to improve things. It's a long way until summer vacation. FWIW, the OWH in my sitch went through this all last winter with OW. But by the time summer actually came around, she had mellowed a bit and even agreed to switching weeks when his plant went on an unexpected shutdown.

I totally agree with your lament about the system. I truly do not understand how it could be so bass ackwards.

Is there any way you can re-enlist?

I was an officer with a regular commission, which means I'm always "on call".

I can certainly join the reserves in the future, but I'm going to table that till my kids are older. The ex would jump at the chance to use it against me if I was to be deployed and if I wait till the kids are older then they get to have a say on where they live and the custody arrangment.

So I want to wait till then. That way if I'm sent away they can say, "we want it to be like it was before he left" when I return.

So I must really wait until they have a say that others will listen to.

Yes, I can re-join in the reserves, but would have to be retrained if I wish to fly again.

I've been out of the cockpit too long.

I miss the flying. No other job like it anywhere. And it isn't just the flying. I miss the guys I flew with and the good times we had together and how we bonded and made the most of our time deployed. The suckiness of deployment is an experience that few understand.

I remember my pilot (I was his copilot) in my last crew telling me how few can understand the challenge of the deployments.

All our wives heard was that we played a ton of video games, ate a lot of food, and flew a lot. That could sound like a heck of a vacation, but it really isn't. The video games passed the time and gave us something to combat boredom.

The flying was tough and arduous. Sitting in 90 degree heat for hours at a time in a jet that was about 20 degrees hotter on the inside because it is 50 years old and has no air conditioner on the ground really stinks.

Then taking off and being immediately tracked by other countries not so friendly (you can take a guess who) into hostile airspace day in and day out isn't exactly a picnic. The missions were long (my longest was 11 hours) which made the days very long.

I once had to drop in somewhere else to pick up a part after flying all night. The part wasn't ready right away and we sat around waiting. We finally took off for our 20 minute flight home and it was one of the toughest flights I've ever had. I had been up for 19 hours and was exhausted. Flying without sleep is like driving after 5 beers. It took a tremendous amount of concentration to do it and not get us all killed because reaction time was slow and we were all tired as heck.

We took off from a short field, loaded to the gills with fuel, in a 50 year old airplane, tracked by hostile nations, into thunderstorms, harassed by said hostile nations, and in a rush to get the fuel to the fight to help the guys on the ground.

There were a few close calls on some occasions where we were beak to beak with another plane heading right for us and we had to take evasive action to avoid a collision and I had a few instances of Navy jets almost hitting us.

I'm not going to say that my ordeal was as bad as the guys knocking down doors and getting up close and personal with the insurgents and terrorists. By no means can I compare my experience to theirs. Mine was unique as a pilot.

I was grateful to be a tanker pilot. Some of our fighter guys had to deal with daily mortar attacks on their barracks at night while trying to sleep and every once in a while the insurgents got lucky and hit some of our guys while they slept in their bunks.

Made me grateful to be far away from that stuff.

But the experience was a special one with intense memories and close bonding with guys I lived with for 60 days at a time. (We'd leave for 60, come home for 45, gone again for 60, and do it over and over again).

So what did we do in our down time? We played games, talked about our wives and kids, ate, and slept A LOT. The idea was that the more you sleep, the less you're there. Thoughts of home were constantly there.

Mail was a godsend. We'd get packages from groups that donated to "Any US Soldier" and they were always welcome. It was great to get a package from home.

One of the biggest things that I've had to get past was getting over a package from my ex that I never received.

Like I said, we loved getting mail. A package from home was special because it was a physical bond to those we love back in the States. It was especially great from family.

My ex, then my wife, told me she was sending me a package for Christmas. I waited and waited. It was supposed to have the season finale of our favorite show, some goodies, pics of the kids, video of the kids, and some Christmas stuff.

So I went and checked every day for my package.

"Anything new in the mail today?" was my standard question.

My buddies knew I was really looking forward to this package and started checking for me. They'd come back after a mission and would tell me, "Stopped by base ops. Sorry, no package, bud."

But I continued to wait and check on a daily basis. I called my wife up and let her know, "the package isn't here yet" and she acknowledged she sent it.

I asked her to run a trace. I went to the post office to see if they could do so.

The day to leave finally came and I was apologizing to my ex for the fact that her package would arrive after I was gone.

So I got home and I wasn't greeted with any "Welcome home" banners like my buddies were. I got "I want a divorce" instead and then the shock of D-day and the five men she had been out with right before I got home.

And the kicker, "I never sent that package" with justifications that I ticked her off about something and she decided not to send it, but she told me she did.

So I spent weeks waiting for a package which was never sent and expended all kinds of energy waiting for this taste of home for nothing.

It was never going to come.

THAT was something that irks me to this day. How can someone do this to someone else and not feel a shred of guilt over it? How do waywards live with themselves after being so low? Have they no conscience? Does the guilt ever strike?

Been in a funk lately. It's been bad enough that I've had to start ADs again.

One minor trigger: My son called me up and was telling me about the pumpkin he carved. He then asked me to come over and look at it.

This broke my heart.

The kids always do that. They're the ones who have that power over me.

Started seeing a new parenting coordinator as well. She's a very nice and soft spoken lady. She seemed pretty sympathetic, but I've mis-read people in the past. I hope she can help the ex and I come to some agreements on some things. She's optimistic and so am I but she said that my ex isn't optimistic at all.

I signed up for a weight loss competitions for this month at my gym. I'm going to go all out. Already started. I've been running a lot and might even increase my running to twice a day. The competition gives me some good incentive.

Things with Sally are quiet. We hung out with our group on Sunday and we text each other a lot, but not much more. I've backed off the last few days to give her space. I sense she's hurting a lot.

I've been contacted by someone else I dated a few months ago (back in January) and we have re-connected. She's nice, but lives far away.

So I'll probably just chat with her and maybe hang out now and then.

Just wish I could shake the blues.

Do you have time to do some volunteering? It's the absolute best thing to do when you're down. Just does wonders! Maybe you could incorporate some volunteering with time with your kids, which would help them learn some great values, too.

Sorry you're feeling down Pom. Hang in there!

Still dealing with the blues.

Can't shake them and I've been trying.

Exercise helps. Been running a lot and have lost 5 pounds. It isn't much, but it's a start.

I'm backing away from Sally a lot. I'm getting drained emotionally by constantly wondering if she's ever going to come around and want to be more than friends. I'm going to leave the ball in her court and just back away.

We're going to take a tour of Old Town on the 24th with our divorce group.

But I've been getting tired of coming home at night and not doing much. Video games are an escape, but that's getting old. Want to take guitar lessons since I've always wanted to learn.

I'm on new meds to deal with the blues, but I don't wish to be on any meds for long.

The good news is that the anger I was feeling has subsided and is generally gone. The bad news is that I have to go back to court, which tends to get me stressed out. Perhaps that's the big source of my blues, since the case just isn't over.

The new arrangement is a lot less stressful than the old one. I don't have to see the ex, which helps a lot.

I'm not thrilled with the driving distance, but I'll adjust.

My mom will be out here soon, which will help. Halloween is coming up which will also be a good time with the kids and my mom will enjoy that time with them.

Sounds like a great time to find a hobby or other interest, like the guitar, or maybe a community college fun class, like money management, or real estate, or racquetball...whatever suits your fancy. Stimulating your mind is probably the best step for you right now.

Community colleges are pretty cheap, and you meet lots of neat people, get into discussions, find new friends...win/win.

What are your kids wearing for Halloween?

My D18 is going to be a WWII Bombshell. (well, minus the figure; she's only 5'1" and 92 pounds)

Hey Pom.

I get it. I come home most nights right now and basically putz around the house and read until I decide to turn out the lights. This could be anywhere from 8:30 to 1:00 AM. I can’t say I am totally alone because I still have Wayzilla’s turtle however he has unfortunately not become the conversationalist I had hoped for. He is better than Wayzilla however.

Although part of me often enjoys the solitude, this quiet does offer too much time to ponder and reflect on “the event” as much as I wish to avoid that.

Also, I think part of it is the changing seasons and the earlier onset of darkness. It takes a few weeks to get more used to that.

Fortunately, basketball is starting the first of November and will be part of my entire waking existence until March.

How about doing some modeling kits? Get a KC-135 Stratotanker and a super detail kit. Put it on a stand with an F16 of the same scale getting gassed. Do a good job and enter it in an IPMS contest. Model contests are great places to meet people.

Or volunteer at a museum. You have a few of those around.

I remember before I started coaching last year, I went to the Denver History Museum with DD20 (then DD19). She pointed out to me that every volunteer at the museum was a woman. Once I noticed that she was right I also noticed that nearly all of them were single. If I had not started coaching I probably would have looked into being a volunteer. In fact DD asked for a volunteer form that day and gave it to me. You gotta love that girl!

Chris,

Excellent suggestions. The problem lies in my hours and my commute.

Thanks for posting on my thread. I'm always interested in hearing your take on things.

I've actually been looking into some of my old hobbies and looking for a way to revive them. I use to be an astronomy nut and have a telescope that I haven't used in 10 years. So I've been thinking about putting that back together and heading out to the local park and away from the lights.

I have to get my guitar re-strung. Will look into lessons.

It would be really cool to volunteer at the Air and Space museum. I'm a history nut and a sucker for the subject matter.

Funny story (in sick sort of way):

As you know, I stayed at Walter Reed for one week after I moved here. One of the methods of therapy is to take the patients from the ward on an outing. They use to take them bowling, but the sounds of the pins crashing was a bit too much for the poor guys to bear. Many of the patients are kids coming back from the front lines and who are coping with PTSD. The pins crashing and loudness was too much for many of the patients.

So they changed their outing and planned one to the Air and Space museum. Their tour guide fell through and I volunteered to fill in. I told the staff that I was a pilot and a history nut, so I could very easily give a tour about stuff I know.

So we went to the museum. We were dressed normally and you wouldn't know we were patients from the hospital unless you looked at our wrist bands.

I started the tour and was having a field day telling the group all that I knew and could remember from the Mercury, Gemini, and Apollo programs and had a few anectdotes to tell about the Russians.

What was really funny was that a few people started following and listening to me, either thinking I was an official tour guide or simply someone good to listen to.

I couldn't help but wonder what they would think if they knew that we were patients from a psych ward and laughed on the inside about it.

It was a great outing and a really good healing moment for me.

My nights are pretty quiet right now. I fill it with election TV, video games, reading, or time with my divorce group. The Military Channel has some good shows on and I'm a junkie for history.

But thanks for your input and insight. Your humor is always welcome. I hope your season goes well.

Hard to understand how Wayzilla could have thrown such a good thing away. You're a good dude and I'm sure you were a good husband. Maybe not perfect, but none of us are.

Doesn't having DGS help?

I've been thinking about dating again lately, but don't want to do it for the wrong reasons. Being bored at night is not a good reason (and Sally doesn't seem interested in more than just friendship).

That museum story is pretty funny.

It definitely shows the brilliance of the VA to be bringing combat stressed veterans to a noisy bowling alley.

I used to build lots of military models and paint historical miniatures. Got pretty good at it for a while. It really is an economical hobby when you amortize the hours you spend building a model to the cost.



Oh boy, and what a way to find out she was dissatisfied! It would have been nice to have at least talked about it once or twice before she became Gollum’s lap dancer.


Yep, we are having a nice time.

We see each other most every weekend so all the weekdays are alone. For the most part I like our situation, but this time of year there is less to do around the gardens and such so there is too much quiet time to reflect. It’s not morbidly depressing or anything but it is a mellow sadness that I could just as well live without. It does take time. My ability to post-divorce Plan B in total darkness has been a great blessing.


No, not the best reason ever. Take your time. Get your “bait in shape”. You will happy again.

I was leaving a dinner with friends tonight and was in a good mood.

I have no idea why but I was looking at how nice the night was and I was triggered by something which caught me completely off guard.

I looked at the moon and felt the crispness of the air.

I suddenly remembered the beauty of looking at the stars and the moon from the cockpit. I remembered seeing the stars in the night in the T-34.

But I remembered the sky over Iraq and flying "home" after a long mission.

I almost started crying.

My buddies are still going overseas and living out there and I feel guilty that I'm not there with them.

This led to a sudden trigger about my ex and looking at the fact that I don't have the one thing in my life that I worked tirelessly to achieve.

I just read SDGuy's thread and he said something which struck a bit. He said "I look forward to the day when my life is more than just about my wife's infidelity".

He summed up exactly how I'm feeling.

I'm on the verge of that. There's only one more hearing to have to deal with. But I've been down lately. I'm tired of coming home to an empty house. I'm happiest (though a little stressed) when I have the kids here.

But my blues lately have been on my other losses. I miss my buddies. I miss the camraderie. I miss the smell of JP8. I miss walking out to the jet at night. I miss doing night landings, resting my arm on the window screens, flying quietly as the sun rises for the morning, and being a part of a very special group.

This is stuff that's hard to replace.

Perhaps I need to explore good alternatives (like volunteer fire fighting).

I feel a little lost in my life right now.

pom, you have me near tears. All my life, I yearned to work at NASA. My dad was a NASA engineer; he built model spacecraft in our garage, he was so into it. Thus, of course, so was I.

After working full time and 15 years of night school, I finally got the degree that allowed me to get a job at NASA. But in the meantime, my marriage was a mess. Long story short, we had to move to the other side of town, and H took 4 years (!) to repair the old house before it got sold. In the meantime, with 2 mortgages, insurance, utilities, etc., I ended up having to leave my dream job at NASA to get something that paid more. (fyi: NObody at NASA makes decent money; it's government) because (1) H wouldn't get off his a$$ and fix the house for resale, and (2) I didn't have the skills to stand up to him and force him to fix the house or sell it as is.

Truly, like pilots, those who work at NASA do so because it's a calling; they certainly don't do it for money or prestige. My desk chair was 30 years old, and I worked in a tin building.

Bottom line, I lost the job of my life because of mistakes I made and because of my spouse's actions. I wake up nearly every single day, four years later, and want to cry.

I so get how you're feeling. All I can say is, you have to look for new options, new opportunities to get you back as close as you can to your dream.

Sorry you're down, POM. It's a roller coaster, to be sure, but it sounds like maybe there are other things you miss. And maybe there are other ways to fill those holes. You've thought of a few of them. Brainstorm. It's a good time to be thinking about adding something new into your life.

I think that this is maybe good? If you're feeling lousy, you might be looking to fill something in your own life, and that might not be a fair expectation to put on someone else. Not sure. My usual caveat is "What the hell do I know."

Hang in there.

It could be that my time with Sally was a distraction which was good and is now gone. It isn't really gone. We still hang out and we still have fun together, but it is gone in the sense that I'm not waiting for her to feel differently about me.

It was more fun when I thought she might be interested, but I'm glad to know the truth.

It's ok. She really is very wounded and has huge walls around her and that is tough to break through.

But I've also caught myself in the "White Knight" thing again. She's a woman who has been hurt and I have this attitude of, "I can show her how she should be treated. I can give her the attention she deserves. I'll treat her right!"

While that may be true (I would do those things) I need to be doing those things for someone who doesn't "need" it.

She's not needy. She really just has no desire or inclination to open her heart up to anyone right now, which is ok.

I'm moving on, remaining her friend, but opening my horizons.

I think my blues are also linked to the fear of losing my current job and really finding myself adrift, not knowing what I want to do with my life. All I ever wanted to do was be a pilot and I've never truly considered anything outside of that.

The only other profession which has appeal to me is being a history teacher.

But that, unfortunatly, doesn't pay very well.

Sorry you're having such a down time right now POM.

I think volunteering sounds like a great idea for you.

Pom, you seem to be at a crossroad in your life right now, in several aspects - personal, family and professional. No wonder you are feeling a little down. But underneath it all lies some tremendous opportunities. You just don't know what they are now. Perhaps you just need some time to meditate a little. I have a good feeling about you.

I do feel overwhelmed and it is true that I'm processing many losses that happened at once.

1. I lost the only career I ever wanted: I was 5 years old when I decided I wanted to be an astronaut. I was in 5th grade when I immersed myself in the stories of the first seven astronauts and the subsequent moon shot. I was in 7th grade when I decided I would pursue a slot at the AF Academy so I could become a pilot and an eventual astronaut.

I achieved the goal of going to the Academy, but I gave up my dreams of space to focus on flying. I achieved my goal of flying and it is all I ever wanted to do.

2. I lost my wife: She was my best friend and I felt we had a decent marriage with normal problems that could be resolved with work and effort. My feelings for my wife and kids grew very strong when I deployed and faced a few scary moments. This made the subsequent crash and heartbreak that much harder.

3. I lost my family: It's a broken shell now of what it was before. I have to wait many days now to see my kids. I'm very happy (and busy) when they're here. I've missed out on many days of my kids lives as a result and have had to settle for a fraction of what I would have if my marriage hadn't fallen apart and if my ex hadn't destroyed it.

4. I lost contact with peers I very much related to: Most pilots have always wanted to be pilots. We have very similar personalities. We loved to talk flying. We also bonded quickly because we would deploy together, live together, and rely on each other for friendship and company and comfort. That is something which is very hard to find and there are very few equals in the civilian world.

So I feel as if I'm patching things up. I'm processing a lot. The things that hurt the most right now are the ones which center on flying and time with the kids.

I'm well over the ex. The person that is there now is repulsive to me and I welcome the fact that I don't have to see her at all if I choose not to. But I do miss the family unit and the wife I knew, not the woman that replaced her and that I've had to deal with for 3 years now. That person is disgusting to me and doesn't resemble the woman I knew in any way. I find her lack of civility, remorse, and absence of guilt to be a sign of a person who has absolutely no conscience. I find that to be very disturbing and incomprehensible to me.

So right now I'm battling with feelings about my lack of satisfaction with a job I simply show up for on a daily basis and an empty house that is full of toys for the kids that I see only a fraction of the time.

I am in the midst of creating a new life for myself. It's a slow, lonely, and difficult process.

I know I will prevail in the end and emerge from all of this a different man. I may never be able to find the job that fulfills me the same way that flying did, but I do expect that I will find a good woman that will hopefully appreciate what I have to offer. I hope that it will lead to a very strong marriage with someone especially now that I'm armed with the knowledge of the MB priciples.

My children will continue to be the center of my life and I will continue to work tirelessly for them.

It is not in my character to surrender or lay down. I will battle back from all these challenges.

It may take lots of therapy. It may take the help of ADs. It may take patience, prayers, and leaning on my friends.

But I will arise from this disaster and I will be a better man for it and I hope that my children will respect me as their father and seek me for advice as they get older. I want to be an example and a guide for them.

So I may have the blues, but it's because I'm processing a tremendous amount of changes and losses.

It's ok. God will help me get through this and has given me many blessings already.

And all of you faceless strangers provide me with strength and I know I always have a place to turn to where others understand me.

For that I thank you.

These are words that could be out of my mouth, POM. I don't know what is going to happen, but I know that good things are ahead for both of us.

Hang in there. You sound like you have things figured out pretty well. The only thing I'll add is that ADs can make a big difference in one's life, and I don't see a reason to fear them.

pom, have you ever considered applying for the Astronaut program at NASA? They don't just take fighter pilots like they did in the 60s any more. They take people from all walks of life, scientists, doctors, pilots...

This is a great time to be in the program, with the new ship being built, the trips to the Moon coming up, and the plans for Mars. I don't know your age, they might not get to Mars by the time you retire, but you'd be involved in all the other stuff the astronauts do. And they do a lot!

The astronauts live in Houston and we have a former air force base down the street where they practice flying and such. And have you ever seen the Sonny Carter Training Facility? The biggest swimming pool in the world, so big you can see the curve of the earth on its surface. They put models of the space station in it and practice weightlessness with diving suits. So cool.

Anyway, even if you don't go for the Astronaut Program, there a thousand other jobs you could be doing there, working with the astronauts, training, etc. There are around 6000 people here working on the space program. And it's an awesome place to work, everyone there is there because it's a calling for them, they feel like they're doing something really important. Every launch, we would stop what we were doing to get to a TV and watch it - all over the facility.

And Houston is #4 on the current list that came out this week on the best places to live in the country, economically. The house I live in cost us $350,000 and would be worth about $10 million in California (4500 sq ft).

Just go to NASA to find out more. I hope you'll consider it.

cat,

Unfortunately the standards for flying are pretty strict and one big no no is ADs.

I won't be on them forever, but who knows.

I've got other ideas in mind: applying to law school, running for office, guitar lessons, writing a book.

I started to write a book about my experience at Walter Reed and I'm about 50 pages into it. I go back and re-read and re-write.

I want the heart of the book to be about my experience there and the people who I ran into and who helped me.

There's some amazing stories of the poor kids coming back from Iraq and the things they saw there.

I also got great care while I was in there and had a totally different experience than what was described in the press. Mine was very positive and it was the end of rock bottom for me and the start of lifting myself up. It was a slow process, but it was a start.

I can't leave this area because of my kids. I'd move right by them but I've been over there and don't have any desire to live there. It's flat out backwards. I have no nice way of putting it.

I may have to to get 50/50 eventually, but I want to see what happens over the next few years. Perhaps things will improve for the ex economically and she'll move back here. I sure hope so because the schools over there are absolutely terrible and I was unimpressed with my daughter's school when I checked it out.

I've never been to a school where the staff and personnel at the front office wear sweats to work. I was appalled at the lack of professional appearance by the teachers. I didn't see that here in Maryland when I went to DD6's school.

Perhaps it was casual Fridays or something, but it saddened me to see the conditions my ex feels are acceptable for our kids. I want a private school for them or at least better public schools.

SD, I'm 3 years along. It gets better, but I've had my share of moments and the lows still hit, but just not as often. I'm in a low right now, but I'm sure it will pass. The kids always do a good job of cheering me up.

The kids have been good medicine.

I took them shopping today. DSTwin2 threw a fit and a tantrum. Was doing it at the checkout, of all places.

I did my best to handle it and had to chase him down 2 times as he tried to run off to go grab toys he wanted and that I wasn't buying.

I was trying to check out while holding a squirming, screaming 4 year old and trying to keep a smile on my face while watching the other two.

He finally calmed down (after he punched me in a sensitive area, which resulted in a sore behind for him). This ended up calming him down after a few tears.

A lady came out and told me I did a good job and that she could completely understand after being there herself a few times.

I'm never happy to give the butt smack and I avoid it at all costs, but it had been about 30 minutes straight of screaming and thrashing.

He was very good the rest of the night.

Now, that sounds like a nightmare and I certainly wasn't exactly happy with what happened, but being busy this way and having the kids and the sounds has been good.

Too busy to be blue.

But it's also been great to have them again. I bought all 3 new pajamas and you'd think it was Christmas.

DD6 read a book to me and it's nice to see her growing so quickly and reading so well.

All are in "angel mode" as I call sleep time. They certainly all look that way when they're fast asleep, don't they?

Just wanted everyone to know that having the kids here has been a good band aid for the blues and certainly has done the trick to lift them.

Oh I so miss being able to do this.
Sodding liberals took away my right

Good to hear your having a good day

A much nicer day today.

Took the kiddos to church and they got to run around afterwards and get loaded up on donuts and juice.

I took them to a birthday party after that and had a very interesting encounter there.

The kids ran around and had fun while I got to mingle.

One of the attendees is a co-worker of my ex's. I was a little timid to talk to her because I wasn't sure what she had been told (quite a bit, as I found out).

The only detail I'll share is that she told me that she wished her father had fought to spend time with her when she was a child.

I've heard this sentiment from many, many women.

It was nice to hear that she didn't think I was a demon.

At least that's the perception I got. I could be wrong and she does think that and she was just being polite.

I sooooo wish I could share more, but it's obviously not safe.

I tell you what, we'd see a lot fewer self-entitled, unhappy, confused kids if their parents would be their parents instead of their friends, and employ a swat on the butt when they needed it.

I never like to. I should have gone grocery shopping before I got them for the weekend and would have avoided the problem of dragging them through the store to get a birthday present for a little boy we were invited to see.

I almost always do everything before they show up because I know how hard it is to go through a store will all 3 and they get into "Daddy, buy me this" mode.

DSTwin2 is much more tempermental than Twin1. When he wants something, he wants it NOW! He frequently throws himself to the ground in tears if he doesn't get it. I generally ignore that behavior and tell him that crying and acting that way doesn't get him anything. That usually does the trick.

A reward system seems to work well with him. "I'll let you play on the computer when we get home if you're good in the store."

That kind of thing helps him, but it is often forgotten when the power of shiny new toys kicks in.

The secret is to avoid the situation altogether!

I won't see the kids for 2 weeks. It's the drawback to the current arrangement and one of the things I'm not thrilled with. I use to see them once a week at a minimum under the old way. Now I go 2 weeks once a month without seeing them. It stinks when I go through that. I enjoy getting to sleep late on my "free" weekends, but miss the kids otherwise.

Just need to work on my own life on those stretches.

Great time to volunteer. There are so many thousands of ways to help someone else out out there, that you can match with your likes. NASA has something Engineer Week, where teachers would sign up to receive a guest speaker from NASA, and we volunteers would sign up to do it. Kids LOVE to have guest speakers like that come in. I was pretty boring, but I bet kids would salivate over your pilot stories.

Oh, forgot to add, about your twins. If that becomes a standard way of dealing with #2, please don't let #1 see it. While you're getting what you want from #2, it's teaching #1 that it doesn't pay to be the nice guy. All kinds of mess could come from that.

Saw the therapist yesterday and she says she is seeing many very positive signs.

She put what I feel into a perfect word: emptiness.

I had all this drama that was going on before and it is now gone. That drama kept me occupied and busy and chugging away. So now that it's gone I feel emptiness, but she says that this is very good.

She also says that the lack of contact with the ex (which has decreased a lot since our hearing) is also very good and it helps me in terms of really distancing myself from her in every way.

She still thinks I have a ways to go in terms of how I feel toward her because I still respond and have a reaction to her emails.

She says that the day I handle her emails the way I would handle junk mail will be the day that I'm "there".

So what is it about her emails?

She still tells me what to do as if I was an employee of hers and not a coparent. I know her intention is good and she simply wishes to communicate a concern to me, but the way she words things is the way you would word it to someone who worked for you and not someone who is an equal.

I haven't said anything to the ex about this because it simply is who she is and I don't think she can change. And the fact that I don't address this or respond to it is a positive thing.

But I wanted to share with everyone that it is normal and even positive to feel emptyness after what we've been through and it has resolved itself (mostly).

Hope that helps someone here.

Now filling that emptyness is another matter.

Having my divorce group over for dinner tonight. And I'm hopefully going to watch my dear Air Force Falcons beat the snot out of the New Mexico Lobos!

All over some Mexican Lasagna.

It's on CSTV if anyone cares.

Hey pomdbdd3

I have been following your posts for a little while now. You seem like a good guy in a crap sitch. I do keep reading about you playing video games and such. Which is one a the few outlets that I feel I have. So I was curious as to what you play.

I'm feeling pretty good tonight. I went out with a group called "Things to Do in DC" and took a haunted tour of Old Town Alexandria. It was a group of old and young of all age ranges. The bulk was single professionals.

Well, there was a really nice looking woman in the group. I noticed her right away.

I took a chance later in the night and sat at her table with her and her friends and we started chatting.

She's a Major in the Army (hottest Major I have ever seen) and has been in Iraq. We talked for a while the rest of the night and ended up going to Murphy's Irish Pub (a fantastic place with live music you sing to).

I leaned over and asked her if I could call her sometime. She said, "I don't know. What are your intentions."

Being the older, wiser, smoother man than what I was in my twenties, I simply said, "I'd like to get to know you more."

So she gave me her number and I feel like a million bucks. The hottest woman there tonight gave me her number.

I'll be happy even if I never get to talk to her, but I'll give her a call in a few days.

So I feel good about that and it was a good confidence boost for me.


About what I play:

I play A LOT of Supreme Commander and it is my primary escape at night. I'm also a huge fan of FIFA on the 360. I play at night when I get home.

I'm also really into submarine simulators like Silent Hunter 4.

I play a lot of games with my daughter and offer this thought to any parents looking for good games to play with their kids:

Lego Star Wars (really fun)
Marvel Ultimate Alliance (Very good to play with the kids)
Almost anything on the Wii, but Mario Galaxy is great and fun for the kids to watch or play with you.
She and I also like to play Zak and Wiki, which is an adventure game and very good to play with your kid because you solve puzzles. My daughter has helped me solve a few of them and has come up with ideas when we've been stuck, which has been cool and has given us some things to talk about later and joke about.

So those are the games I play. It's fun to play with the kids and the title selection expands as they get older. I'm looking forward to playing Zelda: Four Swords when the kids are older.

Getting a number is FUN!!!!

See, you still got it!!!

I had an interesting call from my ex tonight.

I've been thinking about the possibility of getting a cat. I'm chewing on this as a possibility of just having a living thing in my home and a furry companion. It's nice to know that SOMEONE is happy to see me on a daily basis.

So I talked to my daughter tonight about the fact that I was thinking about it and I asked her for ideas on a name for a cat.

I'm leaning towards Chewie and she suggested Luke.

So we say goodnight and hang up.

My phone rang a few minutes later and it was exww. She started asking me if this was true and questioning me as to why since I'm allergic. She said "allergic" with some skepticism since I'm considering getting a cat.

I am indeed allergic, but I don't mind taking something to help me with that to have a cat. I enjoyed having them over the years.

She then asked me if I wanted our old family cat. This was her cat when we were married and one I got for her as a gift to keep her company while I was going through pilot training.

She says I should do it for DD6, since she liked the cat.

Now that I sit here writing this and I think about it, I am wondering why, now that she owns her own home, she doesn't get the cat herself if it truly is for the kids.

I had this cat after our divorce. I didn't really want the cat and always associated the cat with her. So I took it to her house one day and asked her to take it and when she refused I left the cat at her feet, which ticked her off.

She gave it away supposedly because her landlord would get upset if she had a cat in the house.

So she owns her own home now. Could get and keep the cat if she wants to.

I didn't answer her and simply told her I'd think about it.

Well, now that I think about it I don't know if I should respond or just let it go. What say you?

What I would say is this:

Exww,

I've thought about your offer of getting the cat back from you. If you truly want this cat for DD6, then I suggest you get it back for your own house since you now own a home and don't have a landlord that will object.

Otherwise, I'd rather get a new start with a new cat that doesn't remind me of your infidelity and subsequent destruction of our family and marriage.

Thank you for your very thoughtful suggestion, but no thanks.

Sincerely,

POM

bump for feedback.

She is trying to dump the old cat on you. How old is it? 10-1 it is developing cat box issues and she saw an opportunity.

If you want a cat, get a new one you raise yourself.

Don't respond to her at all, it isn't necessary. This was a convo between you and your child. Get a cat that YOU want and that is for YOU to enjoy.

The cat is with someone from her job.

I guess I was seeking feedback on my response to her. I'd love nothing more than to send the message I wanted to send, but then again, what purpose does it serve other than throw her adultery in her face once more?

Don't respond.

I agree, don't respond.

But I do have to add, poor cat. Yet another victim of adultery here. Somebody has it now - leave it be.

Good point Wild.

And to quote one of my favorite quotes:

NUTS!

Don't feed her, POM. She likes the drama and to be at the forefront of your mind. She maintains control over you that way.

Ignore her.

Fox

I know...

Let ME send the message

It is a grand response but it probably is best not to feed the drama.

General McAuliffe ??

Yes.

My lawyer never went for that response in our legal documents.

I wanted her to send that response whenever her and her lawyers made a dumb offer.

I wanted my lawyer to simply say:

My clients would like to respond to your suggestion for settlement with the following:

"NUTS!"

Sincerely,

Attny Kick Butt

They never went for it for some reason.

Another good one would be:

"I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of eldeberries!"

But again, no go from the lawyers.

I wonder why?

There's been a real turnaround lately in my mood and I think this is good.

I think that setting aside the idea of Sally and I having something has been the thing which has really helped the most. I've taken steps to expand my horizons and there have been some really good developments.

I had two dates this past week. Both dates were with women I went out with before and both dates were a lot of fun. Nothing other than great dinner conversation and some laughs.

I hadn't gone out with one of these women in a loooong time. I met her in the summer of 07 and found her really attractive, but all my other drama took its toll (understandably).

She contacted me out of the blue a few months later and we've been on friendly terms since, exchanging the occasional email and text.

We went out to dinner in February, but I was gearing up at that point for my custody fight and was still enmeshed in all that drama.

So our conversations weren't really light and fun.

Well, all of that has changed.

I really, really, really don't like to talk about the courtroom stuff, the ex, or the custody fight. So all my conversations now turn to other topics.

I met up with her last night and she looked better than I remember. She also complemented my beard (I have the Will Riker thing going right now) and said she liked it.

We had a great dinner together and talked about the challenges of being single parents who truly put their kids above their own needs and the challenges that brings to dating. We talked about growing up Catholic and trying to raise our kids with good morals in a society that preaches sex everywhere. We had some good laughs over "Catholic Guilt" and had an awesome discussion over politics.

What's funny is that Sally called me in the middle of dinner and left a message that "we haven't talked for a while".

I got a very good feeling after the dinner that she'd be interested in meeting again and I sure as heck would be as well.

So my mood has changed due to a simple attitude change. Life has much to offer and I simply need to get out and enjoy it. I've carved pumpkins, put a little cartoon skeleton in front of my house, been on friendly dates, gone out with friends, and have generally taken steps to just get myself out there in whatever capacity that may be.

I returned Sally's call on the way home and had a laugh because she said she was starting to worry that I didn't call her right back since I normally do so. I got the chance to share with her that I was out on a dinner date, but did it in a way that was very casual.

But I did notice how hard it was to talk to her while on the phone and how easy it's been to talk to the other women I've been out with. I don't think it's because Sally is bad at conversation. I think it's because she's still wrestling with her own divorce and is still generally pretty down.

I could also be feeling good because I've been running a lot and have felt the belt loosening, which is always a plus.

My mom comes in tonight and we're both looking forward to a long weekend with the kids and trick or treating with them.

As usual, I have all of you to thank for your thoughts and advice as well.

Pom, I just got this image of you as Leonardo DiCaprio in Catch Me if You Can - where he's in his pilot outfit walking through the airport with a harem of stewardesses. Is this really you?

LOL!

That's funny. If only I were so lucky!

I'd love to be flying still, but I can actually fly a plane, unlike Leonardo. (That is a great book, BTW)

No, I may have several dates, but have yet to actually have what I truly want which is a real and solid relationship.

I'm fishing. But I have all day and am in no rush and can sit by the water for a long time.

I have eHarmony to thank for the many date opportunities it's given me and for the very high quality of women I've met, but my life circumstances prevented those from developing.

But things are different now and how I carry myself is different and I actually have solid conversation other than court junk and stories of Darth WHNACG and the Sith master guiding his evil ways.

Yes, indeed, there is more to me that the fight against a female biased court system and the battle to be a father to my children. While that is a bit of a Quixotic quest which has had a minor victory, it isn't all that I am.

I came home and called one of the older ladies from my divorce group. She's about 20 years older that I am and has been a good voice of reason. She's sort of my confidant and who I turned to often for advice about Sally, who is a mutual friend.

Well, she had a court dealing recently and has suffered the indignity of having to settle out of court with her ex husband who sued her to have her pay the storage fees and rent of his OW.

She faced a choice of spending thousands to fight an issue on principle or settle for hundreds less and avoid the court costs of the lawsuit.

I felt for her and called to give her some consolation.

Waywards are evil. I cannot understand the depths of their depravity. This man sued his ex wife, who he cheated on with this other woman, over the fact that she took a little longer to get to a settlement than he wanted and it cost his new woman some money in terms of legal fees.

She had a 22 year marriage destroyed and had to give her home to her husband who moved the OW in with her kids.

The only consolation I could give her is that there is a 98% chance his new relationship will fail and that life will find a way to pay him and the wretched wench back.

I'm so mad for her. I feel like going to her house and spray painting a giant red A on their front lawn.

I'll have to settle for giving them the evil eye and farting in their general direction.

But this is how I feel inside about her H and how I'd like to talk to him:

She is such a nice lady and it stinks to see this happen to her. The good news is that she's washed her hands clean of him and doesn't have to deal with him at all.

She shared some of her shocking discoveries with me about her H. She discovered cases of S&M porn just before their divorce and bizarre drawings he made of bondage scenes with other women.

The man is sick in the head, so good riddance, but it boggles the mind that you can be married to someone for so long and they turn out to be so sick. Almost makes you wonder if demonic possession is more common than we think.

That almost makes more sense than seeing these nice people we once knew and were married to turn into the crazies they've become.

Leo was a lawyer in that movie as well. I'm afraid this image I have of you has now been sealed! Just don't wind up in a French prison, okay?

Hmmm. Pilot then lawyer then doctor.

Who needs degrees when I can go and fake it!

I better get cracking or I'll never finish both law school and medical school! I'll be 70 by the time I finish each one!

Honestly, I think my character is more suited to being a nurse. My therapist says that I'm more emotionally like a woman than a man, which she finds very interesting.

So perhaps I should consider becoming a Focker and pursue being a male nurse. That would open my dating prospects as well.

Yes, I want to be a great Focker!

Stupid, stupid, stupid me! :twobyfour:

Got a call from exww. She knows how to push my buttons. She wanted to inform me of some logistical stuff with the kids. We got to talking about some things and she started pushing buttons.

We see things differently than what happened when we had our last hearing. I felt we have no agreement on stuff. She saw it differently and it's all about 2 days next week.

So we got into it and a few choice words were said and I had a few choice words about her living location and the backwardness of the place and the fact that the schools the kids are in now suck compared to the ones they could be going to.

So she stirred the pot and I said some things in the end which I regret saying now.

Buttons were pushed and I was stupid to just not cut things off sooner in the conversation.

So please dish out the 2x4s and let me have it because I really need to be told!

She got my blood boiling and then kept egging me on, teasing like we were kids in gradeschool and I stupidly put on the show of anger and engaged her. She stirred the pot and I gave her the satisfaction of a response when she didn't deserve none.

Who cares what she thinks! She wants me to "accept" that the kids are doing great and that their new daycare is the greatest thing ever and that all is wonderful.

Says that I don't do it out of spite and because it doesn't "support my cause", etc.

Her state sucks, her city sucks and the kids school sucks. Don't need my opinion on it, read the statistics and talk to anyone from around here.

Arghhhhh!



At the very end I gave her my opinion on what type of woman she was and where she's likely to spend the rest of eternity.

I should have just hung up when the conversation went nowhere. :twobyfour: :twobyfour:

Sorry Pom.

And I was doing well, lately.

Minor setback. Her opinion really doesn't matter. I just need to let that go and focus on what does matter, which is the kids, my mom's visit, and the hearing next week.

Your still doing well, don't be so negative.

Too bad The Harleys don't run a match making service for people who know the MB values.

Still exercising at the gym?

Yes. I've been running and just upped my mileage to 5 miles a run. I don't always do 5 because of possible time limits, but I get a 5 in when I can. The fat starts to drip off at that magic number and the beauty of it is that I can eat just about whatever I want. I don't overdo it, but it's good to be able to eat.

Read this thread aloud 3 times a day.











Now read it aloud again.



Your doing great!

I forgot what I wanted to say.

Had a great complement from my mom this morning. She said that my "expecting" belly is gone.

So that's a good thing to hear.

I've felt the pants get looser but the scale hasn't had some dramatic drop. I guess a little loss goes a long way.

We're really looking forward to trick or treating with the kids tonight and she loves DD6's female Jedi costume.

The kids will have a blast seeing her again.

I'm really glad they're getting to spend time with grandma. When you first posted, that was what upset me the most, lol, was that the ex kept the kids from her. Anyway, you're creating good memories for the kids. I wish I'd gotten to spend time like that with my grandma.

Ok. I guess I'll get back to my old thread and update again on the happenings in my life.

I have no idea if the ex will continue to read my posts or not now that the court stuff is over. I think it's weird that she does, but that's her problem and not mine.

I don't know what is happening lately, but I've had a ton of stuff just start going my way and it's weird.

I got a call from another company out of the blue. They have a position closer to my house which is roughly related to what I do now. I don't think they can match my salary nor do I think I want to switch, but it's nice to know I have options.

I have been moved within the Pentagon to another position which brings more responsibility and more things to do. That's been great as well.

I also got contacted by my company boss (not the Pentagon one) to tell me that he has me in mind for a position that puts me much closer to home and that places me in charge of leading an effort.

Combine all of that with the recent developments in the legal world and things are looking promising.

I've also been dating someone lately who treats me great and is fun to be with.

I'd love to say some more about her, but you know who is keeping tabs on this and we have a weird "7 Degrees of Separation/Keving Bacon" connection to my ex going which we didn't discover until earlier this month. It's hillarious since we were matched through eHarmony, but kind of weird that it's there.

So I simply wish to update and give thanks to the power above that good karma is rolling my way right now and good things have been happening.

It will be a Merry Christmas indeed.

If she still does, it is probably because she wants to know that she is still important to you... that you still think about her and obsess over her. She won't be happy when you have moved on, as you are doing. She will, at some level, likely always have regrets...

You work at the Pentagon? I worked there 11 years ago, right around this time of the year, on a short-term contract (two or three months.) I had to audit PCs in the Office of the Secretary, and I went a day or two before Christmas to the SecDef's own office to audit his PC. No-one was there, so a Marine Corps Staff Sergeant let me in. I remember I sat in his chair and put my feet up on his desk... just to say that I'd done so.

I walk through the big wig's hallway all the time. These are the same guys you see in the news or who were or are running the war and our ops all over the world.

I feel I work in a special place, despite the long drive to get here, and like the fact that I work here.

It's a good feeling and it's why I would be reluctant to leave this job.

But the long drive does take it's toll on me.

Before I started working there, we lived in an apartment within walking distance. The River House in Arlington, across the street from the Pentagon City mall.

I knew I'd be assigned to this project for a month before I started, but I didn't actually start until after we'd moved to our house in the suburbs, 45 minutes away. What a drag! For a month, I used my parking permit at the old building to park over there, until it expired (since the Pentagon lot was always crowded in the morning.)

The SecDef at the time I was there was Perry, and I did see him once in his office... but he was the only one I recognized. That was right before he left.

My father is a retired USMC officer, and he was working on the Joint Staff right before he retired, so I'd been there before, and gotten to see the NMCC. I was a Marine myself, so there wasn't any big problem.

When I worked there, my cousin was also working there. She was an Air Force officer working on some computer programming project. She worked on the project for 3 years, and then left the service when she had her baby... and the project was cancelled! So she felt like her whole time in was a waste!

It was a cool place to work... one of my favorites. The office they had me in was in the section of the Pentagon that was hit on 9/11 - but that was years after I'd left that project. I used to drive past the gaping hole every week when I'd pick my wife up at the Pentagon City mall on Saturday nights, back in our Bad Old Days.

I live out by Dulles Airport, 45 minutes away, and I'm working in downtown DC right now, so I know about the long commutes... my last job was 15 minutes from my house, but this job outweighs my last one in so many ways that it's worth it.

The holidays have come and gone. The kids came over and we had a nice time. I think they expected more gifts than they got, but they all got one big present.

There was the standard kid disaapointment over clothes as gifts, but it was relieving to me to see them get the clothes since they're in need of restocking.

Things are ok otherwise, but the ex and Darth WHNACG appear to be determined to continue litigating.

They aren't happy with the results of what I got and appear to be determined to go on fighting.

I have the confidence of knowing that the judge seemed inclined to give me a break.

He appears to have a desire to keep things alive on technicalities.

I guess it makes sense since his revenue stream will dry up if this case ends.

On other notes:

The VA is taking steps to help relieve my shoulder pain. I've been living with it for years. It started when I was a pilot (I thought they were headaches, but are linked to my shoulder) and am going to see an orthopedic doc about it. I just want to stop living off of ibuprofen and be pain free.

The VA is also helping me with my other medical care, and it's been good.

I really, really need to do something about my eating, weight, and BP. The running has helped, but I have to do more.

My cholesterol is atrocious. The lady said they could tell I eat too much junk food from my blood results.

Now that I have the funds I can afford better quality foods, so that will hopefully help.

I plan on eating lots of oatmeal and to continue running.

Finally, I've been dating someone now for a little over a month. She treats me great and it's been really nice.

She's also been very understanding of my "moments" when I'm dealing with the last spasms of legal protests by the ex.

There's a very funny story to share regarding something we discovered by accident when I was having dinner at her place, but that will have to wait till my litigation is over.

I'm so glad things are turning out well. And good for you for continuing to work on your health. I have a chronic back pain that even a chiropractor can't adjust - my muscles are too tight, and I'm waiting on my insurance to ok this new treatment this surgeon has developed, where they anesthetize you and go through the chiropractic adjustments while you're asleep and can't tense up; do it for 3 days in a row, and they have an 80% success rate in reducing chronic pain.

Don't forget to switch out your exercising types. Add in some stretching and yoga and kickboxing and such. Keep it up!

Had a great weekend with the kids.

We played Chutes and Ladders on Saturday and I spent Sunday trying to show DD6 how to ride a bike.

She had a blast trying, but it started getting cold.

I pulled out the telescope and showed them the moon through it. They weren't as impressed as I thought they'd be and the boys spent the time running around the telescope yelling, which I'm sure wasn't what the neighbors wanted to hear.

We took a peek at Venus as well, but it just didn't impress the kids much.

Oh well. Perhaps they'll appreciate it a little more when they're older.

Still no final word on my case. Waiting to hear if things are going to change from what the Master recommended or if there will be changes.

I just want it to be over.

I had a blast for New Years. Spent it with the teacher I've been dating and we had a good time with her friends.

She's very good to me. We'll see where things go.

I'll take the kids to church tomorrow, see if it's warm enough to do the bike thing once more, and probably bake and cook at home.

2009 is off to a good start.

I stayed home sick today and had a minor trigger.

The woman teacher I've been going out with was asking me about living conditions when I was deployed. I told her I had video I could show her.

So I went into my computer to find the videos I had of the war.

Well, there was video I had forgotten about. The same video of the war had video of when I came home.

I recorded the kids playing in their play area and how much fun they had chasing bubbles. There's a smile on my face but I remembered how I was not smiling inside at all.

This was video taken before I knew the ex had been cheating, but after she told me she wanted a D.

I looked through some more of it. It's amazing how much they've grown.

I forwarded some more and saw video of a kiddie pageant my DD entered. She looked gorgeous in her little dress. I was there and so was WW. This happened after D-Day and was miserable and with my thoughts constantly on her and OM and what they did.

If you saw the video you'd think we were a happy family. I remembered how miserable I was on that day.

I then found another video that I made for the family at home and showed them my crew, my tent, tent city, my sleeping area, and then had a private message sent to my then wife.

What stings is seeing how oblivious I was. That's what hurts the most. It's watching a movie where you know a character is about to get it and you can't do anything about it or warn him.

It stung to see myself so oblivious.

But that's past. Shows me that I should sit and watch old videos.

I did shed a tear at video of my boys so little. One year olds who couldn't even talk.

Those were happy tears. Nostalgic ones.

Your kids are lucky they have you.

You have no idea just how important little moments like that are. It's the little things that add up to what a person becomes. I heard a lot about gardening growing up; mom did some; dad did some; I tried and failed miserably, wanted to please my dad. But now, gardening is my greatest pleasure. Because it was important to them, and I soaked it all up as my own.

Just the same, my own D18 has my own beliefs. It's funny to hear her tell her friends something that I know I distinctly told her as it was my own opinion. And she has no clue she has picked it up from me.

I'll bet your kids grow up loving astronomy if you keep doing this every once in a while.

btw, my H gave me my second telescope last year, an electronic one! I haven't used it a single time since I got it. Need to learn how to slow down and smell the roses, like you are.

POMD, I just wanted to tell you this:

I've been catching up on a lot of threads in the last couple days, and it is so very obvious that you have a kind, helper's heart. You are taking a lot of time to give advice to other BH who are in the worst times of their life, and that is so commendable.

There are those who never recovered their marriages, but who have benefitted MarriageBuilders so much with their 20/20 hindsight and their devotion to their children and doing what is right.

Thank you for being a beacon of light to other strugglers, and being a fine example of a wonderful loving father. The world needs more like you.

Thanks for the kind words. I quit posting for a while to take a break and because exww reads my postings, but I came back to help other BHes and keep them from committing the same mistakes I made.

Things on this end are going well. The woman I'm dating is really cool, the kids are doing well, I have financial relief, and the ex is dropping her appeals and accepting what we've been given.

Now I just have to get to work on losing 30 pounds and all will be great.

POM, I for one am grateful for you sticking around and giving me advice. You've been a strength to me.

I also enjoyed reading your thread here and seeing you move on with your life. You seem to be doing very well. I look forward to the time when I am on the other side of my battle. I still have mixed feelings. I sometimes miss my WW (although briefly). Other times I look forward to moving on.

Anyway, reading your thread gives me some perspective and gives me some comfort to know that things will eventually become somewhat normal again..

Unfortunately there's much you've missed since I had to delete a bunch of posts because of the ex.

You can also find some old stuff under the names mustangdriver and papaof3.

But if you really want some inspiration and a bunch of belly laughs read chrisner's thread. He sank in the depths of where we've all been and is a real source of great support here to many of us looking for humor in the pain we've experienced.

I've been in tons of pain lately and am going to finally get some help with figuring out why. I get daily headaches from either a torn tendon in my shoulder or from a pinched nerve in my neck. The docs can't figure out which one yet.

But they're looking into it and it is hopefully not going to cost me an arm and a leg anymore. I may even have some long term benefits from it, which would be great, but I just want the pain to stop.

Things are going very well with the teacher I've been dating. She is most definately making regular deposits in the bank. We have a very similar sense of humor, which is a big plus. She asked me this week if there was a healthy meat that I wanted her to make for us and I told her that I'm all for Moose, Ostrich, or Buffalo. What I like about her is that she takes a joke I make and runs with it.

So she says she's prepping Pineapple Moose for us one of these nights.

She laughs at my nerdiness and has an appreciation for Weir Al. How can you not like a woman who appreciates the talents of Weird Al?

BUT....

My friends from my divorce group still think she's a red flag.

They've never met her, but they think she's a red flag since she's separated and not officially divorced. I had a whole thread about this subject. Seems like the concensus was that a BS (her) has the right to terminate a marriage and move on with their life.

My friends are concerned that she hasn't processed things yet. But it wasn't a long marriage and I can honestly say that I would have gotten over my ex really quickly if I found out she had cheated on me and we didn't have kids.

I've seen several women who have dumped their husbands without regrets once infidelity came to light. Granted, most of the quick turnarounds have been from women with short marriages or no kids or who were in marriages that were broken for a looooong time before infidelity pretty much broke the camel's back.

She treats me awesome, is very attentive, has a great sense of humor, and we have a lot of laughs together. I'm keeping my eyes open for any signs of trouble.

Awww POMD, only yesterday I was giving you kudos, and now I'm gonna have to drag out the old 2x4. Don't be dating the married women! Separated is still married. The world's not coming to an end quite yet..you have plenty of time to look for single women or wait for a divorce to be final. You really do NOT need the complications this brings, and neither does your lady friend or her family.

And it sets a terrible precedent for others; after all, SOOOOOOO many married people who date, CLAIM to be separated. I'm not saying your friend is being dishonest, but I really think you will be happier and prouder of yourself in the long run if you do this in the right order.

Did you see my thread about this subject?

There seemed to be a healthy debate about it.

Here were my thoughts on it:

A BS has the right to end a marriage right then and there. Both biblically and legally.

It takes a long time to divorce.

Some people get over it much more quickly than others. It's usually the betrayed that have a harder time letting go, but some of the betrayed have their feelings for the wayward killed because of the affair.

I knew that some on MB would see this as an affair because she was still legally married.

Yet biblically she has the right to divorce.

So in a sense, she and any other BS who wishes to divorce a cheating spouse is basically kept hostage with carrying on with their life until there's an official blessing of the divorce.

So the question then becomes: Why should a BS put their life on hold because they were cheated on and chose to end their marriage?

I've met several women who have divorced cheating husbands without a single regret.

I know of one man who did it. He found out the wife was cheating and dropped her like a hot potato without remorse, regret, or any crying or BS reaction at all. To him the infidelity killed any and all feelings for his wife.

He separated from her and didn't see her again until the day of the hearing for the D.

I know of divorces that take years. So why should a BS put their life on hold?

Biblically speaking this is one of the very few times divorce is allowed.

So if it is over and a BS has no desire to reconcile, why should they wait to carry on with their life?

We're not talking about a RA. It's really over and all that's left is the mandatory waiting period.

Believe me, knowing wayward mindsets and justifications, I grilled this woman about her marriage, what happened, what is happening, and why she is dating before the divorce is official.

We've had a couple of long discussions about it.

I'm pretty satisfied that she's not desperate to be with someone, like some of the women I've met in my DivorceCare group who appear to be literally desperate to be with someone.

She's not like that at all and has a pretty good head on her shoulders.

She was cheated on. That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Short marriage. No kids. He cheated.

I've advised a couple of BHes like her and have told them to do exactly what she's doing. She'd leaving him, counting her blessings that there's no kids, and is young enough to carry on with her life.

I've told many many men on this board to do exactly that with their cheating wives that they have no kids with and have only been married to for a very short time.

We had a healthy discussion about this on my other thread. What are your two cents on it?

I think its easy to say, "wait till it's official" but what if you don't wish to especially when you, as the BS, have the right to end it right then and there with a cheater?

I know there are varying opinions. In fact, I probably weighed in on the thread you referenced, and forgot it had to do with you.

My belief is "married until the ink is dry", and then even beyond that, I think a waiting period is healthy. I'm not going to beat you up, a lot of good people disagree with that, but it is my conviction, and appears to be shared by quite a few MarriageBuilders.

If you take your time I bet you won't regret it!

Thanks, Keep. You're in the same category as my DivorceCare friends.

I'm not rushing off to get married or anything. I'm keeping my guard up.

I just fall into the other camp on this issue as far as being a betrayed spouse goes.

Technically speaking, I'm still married by the church so I shouldn't be dating at all by church standards since they haven't annulled my marriage.

I still have to go through that process.

Was told today that my cat, which I just got a month ago, has tested positive for feline leukemia.

So I now have to decide what to do since DD6 is very attached to her.

She's responding to basic care but I'm not sure I wish to start really spending tons of money if her condition worsens.

I'm hoping I don't have to euthenize.

I need some input here on if I'm wrong about something or not.

As you guys know the exww moved across the border to another state with the kids. It takes a ton of driving to get there and the communications with the schools haven't been so great.

I had a much easier time knowing about events in my DD's school when she was in MD because they sent out an email once a week to keep parents up on events.

WV isn't sophisticated enough, aparently, to send an email out each week.

The daycare had a presentation for the parents last Friday in which the kids performed. I didn't know it was going on. DD called me at night and asked me why I wasn't there. I told her that I didn't know. I mentioned to her that she can tell me about such things that she's practicing for so that I know about them and can go.

I contacted exww about it with the emails I sent below:

From: pom
Sent: Saturday, January 24, 2009 12:53 PM
To: exww
Subject: DD's recital


exww,

What was the show DD was talking about? How long has it been planned for?

Pom

Her response:

Pom,

It wasn't a recital just for DD. The boys were in it too and it was a winter performance planned by the daycare center. I don't know how long it had been planned, but I think since around the holidays is when they started practicing if I can remember correctly. DD had told me you said you would come next time but that she needed to remind you. I don't think that's fair to tell her since she's only six and it shouldn't be her responsibility to remind her parents of things at this age. I don't want her to think it's her fault that either one of us would forget something or not do something because she didn't remind us.

exww



My response to this:

This is the type of thing we should be exchanging information about once a week. I was upset that I didn't know about this. I don't blame you, but do feel that my absence could have been prevented with a weekly email exchange where we discuss upcoming things with the kids and what they have happening during the week.

It's something I think we should start doing to prevent things like this from happening again. DD sounded disappointed that I wasn't there and I would have been if I had known.

Are you willing to exchange an email on Monday or Friday to discuss the kid's activities for the upcoming week?

Pom


Her ranting response:

Pom,

I have so much on my plate right now to keep track of and follow through on that I can't keep you constantly updated on things and keep you on track too. Personally, I don't feel it's my responsibility (nor is it DD's) to keep you aware of everything. I am incredibly, incredibly busy through the week with DD's homework, her couple recent projects we've been working on, my own medical appointments and work, but I still keep up with all that is going on with school and daycare. You are free throughout the week and have a good amount of free time to stay aware of what is going on with the kids by email, phone, etc with school and daycare.

I honestly don't feel like it's my job to keep you up with everything as I am no longer your wife. I am being straight with you here that I am not trying to be nasty, smart, or anything, but just telling you how I feel on this issue. I feel it is your duty to be an involved parent and follow up on things such as events, etc, just as I do. You are at the daycare almost every Friday and Monday of the month outside of the one weekend they are with me and have just as much opportunity to ask about things going on as I do.

I don't want to start an email back and forth about this arguing because it's not my intention to be nasty to you or not trying to work with you at all, but between how much I have going on myself and my own feelings on the issue, I feel like you are able to keep up with some of these things yourself. Of course, I will always try to keep you updated on things like doctor appts or what happened at them if you don't go, grades, major accidents, etc., but I feel like you can keep aware yourself on some things.

I tried to tell you about DD in my first email because what made her feel bad was feeling like the reason you didn't come was because SHE didn't remind you, but that isn't her responsibility either and was unfair to say to her..she doesn't need to feel like it's her duty either. I was trying to make you aware how she felt, that's all, not to argue with you but just so you would know for next time. Please don't email me any further on this because I don't want to argue with you and have told you how I felt on this issue, so I will not respond further on this issue past this email.

exww



I took this email exchange and sent my concerns to the parenting coordinator. I understand I bear responsibility for knowing what is going on with the kid's school and daycare, but I can't guess on things if they don't inform me. I called the daycare to find out how they let parents know about this and it turns out that they sent the info home with the kids by putting the info in the kid's mailboxes.

Well, I don't get these because they don't make duplicates for me. I asked them to do so from this point onwards and they will.

I also called the school to let them know that I wasn't getting anything in the mail and to please make sure I was sent any documents that were sent to exww.

So I'm doing what I can to keep informed.

My question is this:

Is it too much to ask exww to have a once a week email exchange about the kids and their upcoming activities/appointments for the week?

A coparenting book I read recommends that and it sounds like a good idea, but it is aparently too much to ask from exww.

In my state, (DE), the it is the custodial parent's responsibility to let the non - custodial parent know about school events etc. In fact, it is part of the visitation guidelines issued by the state.

Yes. If this were a "normal" divorce (no adultery/betrayal, etc.) then it might be reasonable to expect good co-parenting, but asking a WW for a WEEKLY email exchange... I think you're pushing it.

Stick with the direct sources (i.e., the school, daycare, etc.). Make it a habit to ask DD what's going on in her life at school, upcoming events (if a 6 yr. old even keeps up with that, lol).

ahh Glad to see she hasn't lost her touch.

That CS agreement really must have gotten her goat, a simple OK would have worked.

Always looking for that soft exposed spot..

Yours is not the first story like this I've heard. I also haven't seen it work out between the ex's. You pretty much have to nag the school or daycare about it. The thing is, you really have to nag the school - they don't seem to accomodate broken homes very well. Just wait until they send home projects on family trees and family traditions etc. It breaks my heart to see the homework my friend's 7 year old DD has to do that seems to have no purpose other than to single out the kids whose parents are divorced.

Anyway, just tell them that your exww is unwilling to keep you informed and would they mind keeping a duplicate information sheet for you. Then ask for your copy each and every time you are there.

Waywards suck.

Ok. I just wanted to see if I was being unreasonable or too demanding.

I honestly don't think we'll ever be able to coparent with her attitude. It looks to me like she will forever see me as someone she has to tolerate and not the true other parent of the kids.

I've started nagging the schools and the daycare, but things fall through the cracks.

Last year she failed to notify me about an award that our DD had. She says she sent a note in her backpack, but the most efficient way to get a hold of me is via email.

So I asked, once again, if we could have a weekly or even monthly email to lay out the appointments for the kids.

Someone at work pointed something very good out.

She is unwilling to tell me about the kid's activities but doesn't miss a beat when the CS payment doesn't arrive exactly when she expects it.

Sadly, all she sees me as is a paycheck. At least it's a much smaller one now.

I'm sure her parents and her boyfriend were there. But not the most important man in the kid's lives. I'll bet a million that she purposely doesn't tell me these things in the hopes I don't show up.

I'm not thrilled at the idea of seeing her either, but I don't go to these things for her but for the kids.

I took her irrational rant and sent it to the parenting coordinator with my opinion on the matter.

She thinks she's rational. Others seem to differ. All of you are quick to dish out the 2x4s when they're deserved, so I know I'm not totally off in my thoughts when you guys don't start hitting me with them.

On a positive note, my girlfriend (yes, I have progressed to call her that) met my friends this weekend and they liked her. My one friend is still concerned regarding the circumstances, but liked her very much.

They also enjoyed seeing me scrambling around cooking in the kitchen and said that GF and I looked like a good team.

She treats me great. I really like how she doesn't put pressure on me about anything. She hasn't pressured me to meet the kids. She doesn't pressure me to come see her on the nights I'm free.

She opens herself up to see the movies I like or want to see and I really enjoy the fact that we can talk about literature and have intelligent conversations.

That last email from your WW sounds like it could have been from my WW. She's not too busy, she's just too busy for you. When my WW dropped off our son to my house for the weekend, she said she had a "busy" weekend planned. Translation: affairing around with OM..

I wouldn't expect much from WW. It just sets us up for failure in my opinion. I think she SHOULD give you a weekly update but realistically, she's selfish and couldn't care less... I think you did the right thing by following up with the school and day care.

I'm glad things are going well with your girlfriend!

There's the nail hit squarely on the head. And the reason for the ranting and raving is because you didn't simply agree to her plan to completely back out of her life so OM could become your kids' daddy. Because of course, she loves him so much so obviously the kids are going to love him too.

Sadly, this is the mind of a wayward.

Good to hear about the GF. Glad things are working out in that department. Stay on top of the schools/daycare. Like I said, they don't seem to accomodate children of divorce particularly well but if you keep after them, you should get most of the information. You would think in this day and age with a divorce rate of 53%, it would be a natural thing.

Where in the world did she even get that you're expecting her to act as a "wife"?? She doesn't even know the meaning of that word to begin with. In addition all you're asking is that she be the mother of those children. Period.

You know it's not the best between my ex and I yet when the kids get something I put a copy of it in the childs weekly folder and vice versa. I write his name at the top. Stepmom is also really good about returning the favor and we email sometimes everyday.

I think a weekly email is probably too much communication for you guys at this point but if she were decent she could at least shoot you a quick email- Hey, POM, performance at school 1/27 at 6:00 pm. She sure had enough time to meet guys on myspace with her husband off at war and three, yes, three small children- which included a set of twins. She has enough time to let you know what's going on.

She's also insinuating in her emails you're not helping her with the kids- notice that she references your daughters projects. Why is she doing all of those? You guys should take turns. This year my DD had a project and I helped with that one. DS had a project and his dad helped him with that one. Next time it will be the opposite. She is also quick to point out how much "free time" you have. Sounds like she's a bit jealous in a way!

Honestly, I really don't care what she thinks of me, but what I wish she would do is see that she's only hurting the kids with her attitude.

My daughter wondered why I wasn't there. She thought I just skipped out.

You're right, a quick email would have prevented the problem.

Like it or not, I'm their dad and it really tics her off that the court recognizes that, that the kid's attorney recognizes that, that the schools and daycares see it too.

She wants me to drop off the face of the earth except for my checks.

But I'm fairly confident that people will see through the attitude and things like this will happen less and less as the kids get older and keep me informed about stuff on their own.

I'll do what I can to keep up with the schools and daycares, but it's not easy with the new school because they simply don't communicate as much as the school here in MD did and the daycare staff at our former daycare understood the dynamics at play and always called or informed me about stuff going on.

As far as her complaints about free time or not, I simply see what has happened as a consequence to her attitude. She didn't accept the offers I made which left her in a much better situation than she ended up getting from the courts. But that's fine. Her no compromise attitude is what gave me a good deal.

It's funny because I offered her to keep primary custody with much more CS but she turned it down because I asked that the kids go to Catholic school.

That wasn't acceptable to her. She said through her lawyer that she wouldn't accept any settlement unless I gave her sole physical and legal custody.

Their offers were all so bad that I knew I couldn't do any worse with a judge.

That's a bad place to put someone in. Who isn't willing to take risks when they feel they have nothing left to lose?

I see her complaints as "hey, this is the divorce you wanted. I warned you that it wouldn't be a picnic or easy or good for the kids, but that's what you pushed for. Enjoy the results."

Her emails increasingly show a person who can't let go and move on and learn that like it or not I'm an equal in the kid's lives.

Yes, a weekly email might be too much, but a bi-weekly one isn't especially when it's focused only on logistical stuff for the kids.

I would be interested to know what your (or her state) handles the communication problem. View back to Psubikers post.

Nice job that you know have a girlfriend. What does it take that your marriage has not been annulled by the church? Are they aware of the circumstances of your divorce?

I haven't talked to my priest about it, but he knows I'm divorced. He also knows the circumstances and that I will eventually seek an annullment. I have some questions for him about an annullment.

It's my understanding that I will be able to re-marry in the church because I wasn't the one who broke my vows and that she won't be permitted to marry in the church unless she can prove that I was at fault in someway.

I wasn't the one who cheated and went outside my marriage, so she'd have a tough time justifying the end of the marriage and would have an impossible time justifying infidelity while married to me.

I'd also fight it if she tried to say otherwise.

But I don't think she cares or is going to do anything since I don't think her current boyfriend is Catholic. Could be an issue with any future husbands.

Hey Pom. No advice. Just popping in to let you know I still watch your thread.

I am really going to try to get down to an Air Force football game next year. I have always wanted to see a game there.

Friday is the 2-year anniversary of Wayzilla packing up and heading to Infidel Hotel and luuuuuuuv. I think I will toast that evening after the basketball game with a Hennessy Cognac.

Keep on keeping on.

Best game to go to is when we play either Army or Navy since we pull out the major flybys for that. Lots of hardware on display for those games. One of the most memorable flybys was a B-1 bomber that came in really, really low, popped up on burner into a climb right over the stadium, made a ton of noise, and left JP8 fumes all over the stadium.

Brought lots of cheering.

The other one I remember is a P-51 that flew over below the pressbox level. That was pretty awesome. That was for a Notre Dame game back in 91.

The games against Utah and Colorado State are also pretty exciting. CSU brings their dancing team and makes for good sideline views when the game gets boring. It's fun to watch their "spirit".

No you do not get to marry in the church because you were not the WS.

You get to marry in the church after an annullment because the church when granting an annullment states that the marriage was never valid. Not never happened. Both WS and BS get to remarry in the church.

If that's the truth, then I have a serious problem with it.

I'll call my priest and find out.

But my dad remarried and it wasn't in the church. He was the WH. My mom did remarry in the church. She was the BS.

Just wanted to let eveyrone know that I talked to Rockstar last night and he's doing very well.

He's pretty much in Plan B and the space and separation has been very relieving for him. He has primary custody of his kids and his WW sees them every other weekend. He has a sort of "frenemies" arrangement with her right now and is very much letting her build up self confidence while documenting the heck out of everything.

He doesn't really talk to her and now has perspective on his marriage that he didn't have before. He doesn't want her back.

In more personal news I gave GF flowers last night for the first time and she really, really, really liked that. She kept thanking me for them throughout the night.

I've noticed a big drop in my BP and I honestly attribute it to her. I've had the "warm fuzzies" lately about her and they've been growing. I haven't had chemistry like this with a woman ever. It's the kind of chemistry that lasts because it isn't based on physical stuff. My attraction to her has to do with her personality, sense of humor, and the way she treats me.

I feel zero pressure from her about anything. She could, for example, give me flack about spending my non-kid nights with her and she doesn't.

I told her last night that I need to come home tonight and make sure my place is ready for the kids this weekend and she was totally cool with it.

I might still see her if I get the time, but I need to put away the kid's laundry and make beds, etc.

I'm looking forward to spring time when I can take them out to places.

All quiet otherwise.

Thanks for the info about rockstar. It is always cool to know what is happening.

I know exactly what you mean about g/f. Enjoy it forever.

I got an email from the principal at the daycare today which threw me for a loop.

You guys know the issue regarding the presentation I missed. I called the daycare to ask if I could have a separate envelope to get papers that are sent home so that I don't miss any important info sent home to parents.

Well, the principal has contacted the parenting coordinator in our case, saying that there were plenty of places for me to see notices about the event. But she had a very interesting note at the end of her message which clued me in that her email is really a reaction to something that happened at the center.

She said, "Unless the parent has a specific concern about the children, the parents are not to discuss the custody arrangement or issues with one another to the teachers or other administration. I want to ensure confidentiality of this issue and one parent discussing concerns about the other parent with the teacher in the classroom is unacceptable."

Now, I don't remember talking to any of the staff about any concerns about my exww or about our custody arrangement and I don't remember talking to any of the teachers about any of this in their classrooms.

So unless I'm mistaken and they're referring to something else or are just giving a general warning, then I suspect that something happened which prompted the principal to do this.

What's bad about all of this is that daycares are privately run and can easily tell us that they don't want to care for our kids because of all the issues between exww and I. I'm sensitive to this and try to keep my interaction with the center at a strictly "about the kids" level.

So we could lose the care for our kids because we step out of line with them.

So I'm wondering if I did something or said something or if the exww did something or said something.

I'm picking them up today and have focused my efforts the past few days on what I'm going to feed them throughout the weekend.

I was caught off guard by this email to the parenting coordinator.

So what this says:

If there is an event in someone else's custody period then the other parent will lose opportunity to participate (unless notified).

This does not appear to helpful to the kid. Does this mean that dual notification to parents will stop?

Pom, chances are it's just a policy they have. I can see their point in a sense. It protects teachers and staff from being drawn into an ugly battle. OTOH, I don't see how informing the school/daycare of your actual custody arrangement, and requesting duplicate handouts could be a problem.

My friend has a very similar problem to yours. He has 50/50 custody that runs 2 weeks at a time. XW is so uninvolved, we're not even sure she knows where the school is located. He has been sprung with major school projects on the Sunday night when he resumes custody that are due the next morning. They have had 2 weeks to do the project but because DD is with mom, it doesn't get done. DD is supposed to be reading books on her own and keeping a journal. I've seen her journal - it's completely blank on the weeks she's at mom's. My friend has had phone calls about permission forms and/or money being due for trips he didn't know about because the note went to his xw. He only finds out if she's been sick when the school calls him to find out where she is (because xw can't be bothered to call the school to say she's at home). So the school is dealing with both the custody arrangement AND parental communication regardless of whether either parent says anything to them.

It's just crazy because there are so many kids from broken homes - all with their own individual arrangements and issues. You would think this information would be critical for the school - as critical as emergency contact and allergy information. In fact the way it is, the child is only registered at one address and phone number. In my friend's case, it's his number because his xw can't be bothered paying her phone bill half the time and it's frequently cut off. Now, is that a responsible parent?

Too much injustice in this world.

I'd file for primary in his shoes and base it on the grounds you just mentioned.

Document and file, that's what I'd do.

But the problem is weighing the impact of a custody fight on the kids. It's tough on them and I'm sure they pick up on the stress of the situation.

I find that the staff tends to be very understanding.

Perhaps he could make a different arrangement with the ex where he sees the kids with greater frequency and maintains a 50/50.

I've been a big fan of the 5 and 5 arrangement where the kids spend 5 days with one parent and then 5 with the other. It works out great because the days of the week are always the same and the weekends are always alternated.

It would make things like assignments easier to track.

The actual functioning of his is more like you describe - he gets 2 weeks in a row while mom gets the weekend in between and vice versa. The arrangement follows his shift schedule with 2 weeks days, 2 weeks nights (he has DD on weeks he's on days). He is documenting everything - he has kept all of her school books since she started school and there's lots of other crap going on as well. The thing is DD loves her mom too and is too young to understand that most of the things she does or doesn't do are irresponsible. He's not going to take her away from her mom unless she's in physical danger, however, he has explored his options in case he needs to (wrt his shift work).

The kids are doing well. I am pleased to report that my son who I was once worried about as far as his pronunciation of words is speaking up a storm and doing it very well.

I haven't seen the kids in two weeks because of our current arrangement, and am amazed at how much a kid can change in 2 weeks.

It's been a little disappointing as a weekend in terms of cooking. I made meatloaf for the kids and they didn't like it. What can I say?

Perhaps I should have made it from scratch. It's Unlcle Sam's Club's recipe.

Tonight will be an experiment: fajitas. I hope they like them.

My friends loved them when we made it for them at a get together recently.

Today is the first time in years where I don't have a Super Bowl Party. Heck, I even had one in my tent in the desert when I was deployed. We had a projector and a screen and had a big screen viewing of the Super Bowl 3 years ago. So this is my first time without either going to one or hosting it.

That's ok. Perhaps I'll try to get the kids excited about it.

So that's my life right now. Can't complain, really.

Fajitas is a great idea because it involves mixing and matching stuff. My advice, let your kids help you prepare them. Let them go through the fridge and pick out things they want to try with the meat (my D18 loves ketchup) - pickles, lettuce, carrots, M&Ms... Cut the tortillas up smaller, so if something they add doesn't taste bad, you haven't wasted a whole tortilla/fajita mixture.

Kids love to be involved in the process and the decision making; makes them feel like they're not being force fed what YOU want them to eat.

btw, have you ever tried meatloaf sandwiches with ketchup? Yum!

EWWWWWWWWW!! No WONDER!!

That's just recycled road kill!!

One of the things my Mom and grandma used to make for us kiddos was weiners with ketchup...here's the rub:

You line them up in a pan and make diagonal slashes in them. Then drizzle with ketchup (or catsup, LOL!) and broil. You can broil for a bit first and then add the ketchup for browner weiners.

These are good served with mac-n-cheese (Kraft!) and pork-n-beans and a salad for good measure.

I still like this sometimes. Get cravings for it. LOL!

Yeah, I know: EWWWWWWWWWWW!! Weiners! They use offal in those!! Ehhhhhhh...so what? Still better than road kill!!

Charlotte

Fajitas (more like steak tacos) were a hit.

Will make those again someday.

New subject:

My girlfriend is awesome and she has no clue as to how awesome she is.

She started watching a little of my favorite show (Battlestar Galactica) and started making jokes with me using some of the slang from the show.

Had me laughing out loud with her texts.

Truly a keeper.

Frak!

Glad to hear the fajitas were a success. Don't beat yourself up over stuff they don't like. One thing with feeding growing kids, you can't win no matter what. One day they love something - the next day they hate it. One week they have a growth spurt and eat you out of house and home - the next week they barely consume enough calories to sustain a field mouse while you have overstocked the fridge to accomodate them with food that's just going to spoil. It's a losing battle!

Well DD6 had a few words for her brothers who weren't eating the rice she prepared.

She helped me mix the ingredients. I'm going to make chicken ones next time and not use taco sauce.

I hear what you're saying about the foods they eat. They sure can be finicky. I remember eating all kinds of stuff as a kid, though.

DD6 asks me if my mom will visit anytime soon. Says her cooking is better than mine. No surprise there.

I told a friend of mine that I ordered a snuggie for my girlfriend for Valentines Day. This is her response:

"I can't even begin to say why. Don't do it. Please. If I have buy it from you to avoid you giving to her I will. If you give the snuggie I will never speak to you again and I mean it. I mean it. Always send flowers to work no matter what the girl says or how much she protests. A card, a box of candy, flowers at work. That's enough. NO SNUGGIE!
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have I taught you nothing? This really angers me for some reason. "

So I got this response and laughed.

Really, is giving a Snuggie the equivalent of Marge getting a bowling ball named "Homer" from Homer?

No -- it is the equivelant of giving her a chia pet.

Cheesy....Tacky....

unless this is a joke of some kind????? (POM are you serious? This was your idea of THEEE gift to give her for valentines day???)



Your friend is steering you right -- Flowers...delivered to work.

Ok. I'll do the flowers to work.

Just figured that "Oooh, I want one!" was a good criteria to use in giving a gift.

do both?

you know her better than we do! If she said that, its probably a safe bet -- however I would still do flowers!

She doesn't take things too seriously, which is what I like about her.

Like I said, she's been watching BSG and using the lingo from the show with me, which I have found funny, yet oddly appealing as well.

I think it's awesome when a woman is cool with geeking out with her man.

Now, if I could just get into the Grey's Anatomy thing....

POM,

I think the Snuggie would be good for a spur of the moment gift- my H gives me things all the time that he hears me mention "is cute" or "I'd like to have". For Christmas I got a stuffed Gingerbread girl pillow from Cracker Barrel that I had said "Oh I love this- isn't it cute?" No, that wasn't my only gift but it was the one I loved the most because he put the thought into it.

But for Valentines?? You want to be romantic and a snuggie doesn't say that.

Plus, it's your first Vday as girlfriend/boyfriend?? Sure she wants flowers at work for everyone to ooohhh and ahhh over.

I picked the kids up yesterday and for an issue came up which has been building up for a few weeks. The boys blankets have been really gross when I have picked them up from daycare. It hasn't been just a little gross, but filthy. The blankets have been covered in dog hair and smell bad.

They have been so gross that I don't let the boys touch the blankets again until I wash them at night.

So I emailed the exww about it. I really wondered if I should, but having my washer full of dog hair was the deciding factor.

Here's my message:

Exww,

The boys blankets have been filthy the last few weeks when I've picked them up from daycare. They are infested with dog hair and they smell bad. I ask that you please wash the blankets before they come to my house for the weekend. The dog hair gets all over my washer and the boys' blankets are so gross that I don't let them hold them again until I wash them.

This is a request and you'll do as you wish, but I ask that you do this so I don't have to clean all that dog hair out of my washer.

It's also pretty gross for the boys.

Thanks for your cooperation in this matter.

Pom

Her response:

Pom,
Not that I feel like I need to justify this to you, but the boys blankets are washed periodically and I don't appreciate the insinuation that they aren't taken care of because you need one more thing to write me about. They have a dog. They also take them to daycare. The blankets are washed and can get hair on them by the next day because they carry them all over the place and leave them lying on the floor. I'm sure if they left them lying around your cat Monday through Friday they would have hair as well. I wash their blankets just as I am sure you do. Please don't write me again about something like this insinuating I don't take care of the cleanliness of our children because I will not respond further.


My response:

It's not a little dog hair, it's a ton of it and the blankets smell bad as if the last time they were washed was when they were at my house.

Asking you to wash the blankets the night before they come over isn't a huge request. Don't do it for me, do it for them. The blankets are flat out gross.

There's no excuse for the boys to be carrying around such filth. I don't even let them touch them again till I wash them when I pick them up because that's how gross they have been the last few weeks I've gotten the kids.

I will start taking pictures of the infestation of dog hair and filth on their blankets if I ever see them that bad again.

Pom


Ok. Was this ok?

I really was that grossed out. So much so that I thought about taking a lint roller and taking pictures of how bad they were and taking pictures of the blankets every week that I got them this way.

Honestly, this makes me question whether or not she ever vacuums her house. It was really, really grost and the blankets literally smelled like the kids rubbed poop on them. I'm not exaggerating. I don't think these blankets get washed anywhere but at my place.

I guess that "periodically washed" for her means once a month.

So am I overreacting?

I consider overreacting anything that involves your ex. Anything that involves your children is fair game.

If I were you, I would take them from the boys the minute you see them. Take a close-up picture and date the picture. Keep them in an electronic or RL folder.

Then wash the blankets and take another picture with date.

Keep doing this until you have a folder full of proof that nothing is getting done. Use it the next time you go to court, or the next time she brings it up, tell her that you have a notebook of evidence of what you consider lack of healthy parenting. Get her a little worried.

I did not think that the message was appropriate. It begs a contentious reply.

Could you not just clean it a little, maybe sent a little spot cleaner with them.

imagine,

It wasn't like the blankets were just a little dirty. They were filthy, covered in dog hair, and smelled bad.

I'd feel ashamed to let my kids leave my house with blankets in that condition, let alone to the other parent's house.

If they were just a little dirty, no biggie. But they were filthy to the point where I really did consider taking a picture and starting a folder on how nasty they've been the last few weeks I've gotten the kids. The blankets literally look like the dog slept on them and they smelled really bad.

Sorry, I sent it knowing she'd give me a contentious reply somehow justifying letting the kids go out so filthy, but the level of filth has its limits, in my book.

Overreacting would be calling child protective services. I just sent her an email asking her to please clean their blankets.

I will start documenting if I get such filthy blankets again from here on out.

There was no excuse for that level of grossness in blankets the kids use to sleep with.

It's not hard to throw them into a washer every other day or two with other laundry.

I'm sure there's other things she finds important, but I couldn't sleep well at night if I knew my kids were sleeping with filthy blankets that smelled bad.

Sorry, I guess that I was just raised with different standards for parenting.

Pom,

You are like my best friend. He is from Swiss stock. His logic is always right. I HUGELY respect this man. When something is wrong he tries to correct it and argues with those responsible to correct the issue.

What I propose is to learn to encourage defaulters to improve. His wife says that she can endure him for very short periods then she has to get out. I can testify to this too when we went camping together before his marriage.

I'm thinking of your future relationships.

Bottom line: Be encouraging when teaching.

Thanks, imagine.

Honestly, I don't try to lecture others. But the condition of these blankets warranted something be said. I don't like to either argue with her or even communicate with her.

She's going to deny in writing and she can continue to do so all she wants.

If she doesn't fix the problem then I'll simply build a portfolio of pictures with the disgusting conditions of the blankets and take them to someone who will hopefully be able to persuade her to wash them once in a while, preferably before she sends them to my house.

I won't have to defend the disgusting condition. She will.

But, if you knew me in person, you'd know I very rarely go and tell someone else what they're doing wrong.

She's taking this as an attack, but it's not.

Hi Pom,

Just got out of Church now and the subject was about encouragement. Christian coincidences NEVER surprise me anymore.

Your words encapsulated are precisely the kind of words that my buddy uses. And trust me, he is projected on getting the problem fixed.

Consider her position for a moment, she has lost the case with the attorney (good) but this may end up leaving her in a depressed state. Maybe even her domestic position? How good is this for the kids?

She has previously written to you to say how busy she was. Write back and say that the quality of cleaning does not meet her usual high standards. Apologize for any nit picking that you have done. Ask her if there is anything that you can help with.

I'm suggesting that you to use this softer science that she become more willing to share details with you.

A comment from our service this morning was for "Christians to cheer folk along".

Lets make it a habit.

I thought that exww had moved on somewhat with her life, but that's apparently not the case.

She's still reading my thread and is not happy that I have posted her responses on here for feedback from all of you. She either doesn't like your feedback or....

Who knows?

I figured she would simply move on after our case ended but still wishes to keep tabs on me.

So now what do I do?

I like helping BHes on this forum and like helping them come up with good plans to keep or protect custody with their kids.

Yet, the exww reads my posts and doesn't wish to just leave me alone.

What do you guys think and what should I do?

IMO as long as you're not doing anything illegal or damaging to your situation, you ignore her. It's not you hold her opinions in any high regard anyway, right?

You are divorced so what's the deal leo.

Sorry I haven't been posting. Exww has still not let go of reading up on me and has reported about my postings to the parenting coordinator.

So I thought she had moved on, but she's apparently still keeping up on me and my life through the forum.

Had the kids for a very looooong weekend. It was fun, but strep has crept in and gotten the kids sick. I'm afraid I have it now too. I only say that because I have a sore throat myself now and was eating DD6's ice cream at the mall today when she decided she didn't like it.

I gargled with listerine in the hopes of killing the germs, but I'm sure that would be a published medthod of stopping it if it actually worked.

Oh well. Haven't had strep in 3 years. Last time I had it was when I was in Walter Reed hospital.

Fitting since tomorrow is the 3 year anniversary of when my life was turned upside down and I came home from the war to the lovely news that WW wanted a divorce and had gone out with a bunch of guys before I came home.

Funny that one of the things that bugs me the most now is that I had no idea that was going to be the last time I ever landed the jet myself.

I would have savored the moment a bit if I had actually known that.

So I get an extra day home with the kids tomorrow. Might drag them all to the doc with me since I'm pretty sure I have it now too. We can all be sick together.

Have you thought about finding some PT work flying a Hawker 4000 or something of the likes?

Heck I could only DREAM od flying a turbine powered plane as I'm pretty much married to my Beech 19 now, but she's a good old bird.

Hi MrsxPom your comments would be thoroughly scrutinized - some good and some bad. Anything that you say here will only be understood between you and Pom.

God willing you will be able to pick up genuine faults in your hubby that can be built upon.

I presume by now you understand some of the stresses that Pom went through in order to recapture you. We all encourage him to put these behind as he ventures out again.

Ranting at Pom's ex for her behavior. Sorry to embarass you like that Pom.

Pariah,

I would like to fly again if I can. Don't know if I can pass the FAA physical right now, but it's worth a shot down the road when I have recovered my finances.

I have a good amount of time with the kids, a good job, an awesome girlfriend, and am happy with my life.

She's not going to get it and will continue to paint me as the bad guy and continue to justify her behavior 3 years ago.

That's fine. Karma will eventually catch up.

It's been good karma on my end lately.

How dare you move on and not be crying over her every night! How dare you want time with your children!

What did you ever do to deserve them? All you did was fight tooth and nail to get SOME visitation!

You should hand them over to the sk@nk.

/sarcasm

It's sad. Some women would go through anything to have a child to love and there's women like your ex who use their children as pawns in a sick and twisted game designed to [censored] over the ex.

I had a crazy night. The kids stayed home for the day since 2 of the 3 of them tested positive for strep. Probably passed it on to me. Getting that checked today.

I then had a meeting with the parenting coordinator. Got there late, but it was a good meeting about the state of affairs between exww and I and things I can do better or be on the lookout for.

Turns out that my concerns about upsetting the daycare staff were unfounded. They had a few issues with me, but the director isn't too pleased with (the way I understood it) exww going into the center and saying things about me to other staff memembers.

The director made a comment about a joke I made regarding one of my twins which the PC understood was a joke, but it apparently wasn't taken that way there. I've always joked that DSTwin2 would have made me wonder if DSTwin1 didn't come with him because he was born with blonde hair and blue eyes and I don't have too many fair skinned people in my family (though we do have german blood and a red head in there).

It was intended as a joke and it's one I've made for years, even when married, but I guess word got back to exww and she's a little sensitive to her rep and I guess sensitive to that whole infidelity thing.

I use to make the joke to her myself. I guess it's a little heavy handed joke, but it was born well before any waywardness entered our family and it was simply a joke about how different the boys were.

Regardless, I won't make it anymore.

But here's the topper:

I went to the ER last night with major pain in my side.

I hardly ever go to the ER. But I went last night because I had a pain in my side that just got worse and worse as the night went on.

It was so bad that I got out of bed and called a friend to drive me to the hospital. She didn't answer so I simply drove myself and hoped for the best.

I got there and the initial diagnosis was that I have a kidney stone.

So they gave me pain killers and a cat scan. I don't have kidney stones, but do have swelling of my intestine. I was given pain killers and sent home with little explanation.

How the heck does your intestine suddenly just swell?

So I'm home from work resting today and following up with my doc.

Anyone ever deal with this?

Oh man, Pom. D:

I wish whoever has your voodoo doll would stop poking it.

I tried to look it up but the best I could come up with is maybe a blockage or something, but I wouldn't quote me on that.

My intestines often swell if I eat too much boudin and cracklins and drink too much beer, but that's usually remedied the next morning after coffee

the last time I really had that much pain in my side, it was appendicitis. I'm sure they would have caught that though

Maybe you need one of the designer colonic cleanses I see advertised. All the rage among the stars, I understand.

But seriously, I hope you're doing well. It sounds a little scary.

Going to the doc right now.

Still in pain. Don't know what's causing it. Intestines swollen. What the heck causes that?

Maybe because I ate old Halloween candy?

Who knows.

It was a crazy day.

Will fill you in when I get back. Will probably still see the GF tonight. Could use a little attention. A little scary last night when I realized that while I do have people here I can call, I still felt a bit alone. Girlfriend is 30 minutes out. Friends were unreachable.

I know I could have called them, but felt a little bad. Make sense?

Not the same as calling mom or dad or a sibling.

If you can't call them when you are down...well, nevermind.

Be sure to tell use when you get a diagnosis.

It's called diverticulitis (sp?).

Nothing that can't be cured with some antibiotics. Basically it's a condition where food gets caught in bulges in the intestine and can get infected.

Fun stuff.

Feels like I've been kicked in the side after doing a bunch of situps on that side only.

But I've got my meds and my happy times pain killers now.

My mother in law has this but hers is very severe. She had to have about 12 inches of her colon removed recently. From what I gather repeated attacks can "disease" the colon. Hers is chronic- and hereditary. Does anyone in your family have it?

My mother in law has had diverticulitis, too. She had it a couple years ago when we were on our annual vacation to Disney, and was on the phone with my wife in severe pain. BIL had to take her to the hospital.

It didn't help that MIL refused to follow any of the dietary restrictions, and insisted on eating her usual diet of pasta.

It's funny... in our Bad Old Days, MIL used to take my wife and kids to Disney World every summer, without me. (That's where my wife was able to meet with her ex-boyfriend.) I used to really resent these trips - and I'm also pretty sure that if my wife had started an affair with her ex-bf (she came close, but ultimately didn't), than MIL would have been cheering her on. So it seemed like karma that every year MIL had severe pain while down there. One year it required a trip to the hospital, but most years she just ended up staying in the room for 4 days out of the 5 day trip.

I think it was probably diverticulitis each time.

I hope you're feeling better, pom. It is good that they were able to figure it out.

Offered without comment:

A cure?

It's been a crazy week:

2 of the 3 kids tested postive for strep on Monday.

I end up in the ER on Tuesday night with horrible pain in my side.

I came home with the kids today and found my new cat (got her in December) dead in front of her litter box. I discovered her before the kids did, luckily.

So now I have to figure out what to tell the kids.

I'm going to tell them that she was sick (which they knew about) and that she had to go to the cat hospital and will stay there because she's too sick for me to take care of her and needs the cat doctor all the time.

I'll get another one in a few weeks.

It was just something shocking to come home to.

I've also been feeling generally crappy. Stomach still hurts and I'm fighting nausea and fatigue. I thought the exww was going to offer to take the kids when she found out I went to the ER and was still struggling to recover, but she didn't. Again, not about me, but about the kids.

I'd offer to take them if the roles were reversed and she had no family around, but that's me.

She offered to come get them if I run to the ER again. So it appears that if my pain is bad enough for me to decide to go to the ER I'm supposed to wait 45 minutes for her to come before I leave.

I'll call a friend to babysit the kids if I need to. It will hopefully not be an issue and the pain will be manageable.

I hope everybody recovers. Was g/f able to help?

I haven't had to go to the ER. Will call her if I do. She'll help me with the kids until exww shows up. That's a backup plan.

Kids haven't noticed that the cat is gone.

All ok this morning. I have to figure out what to do with the cat. I have her outside because it's freezing out there.

Death is a tough lesson for kids to learn, but I guess it's better for them to get it with a pet than a family member.

I tried to tell DD6 that the cat was really sick and had to go to stay in a cat hospital and couldn't come back. That led to a torrent of tears and a sort of lack of closure which made me rethink the strategy.

I decided to tell her the truth at that moment.

I told her that she was actually dead and that I found her that way when we came home the other night.

She was still upset, of course. She called exww and was crying to her. Exww was comforting. I talked to the ex and explained what happened and how she was handling things. I told her that I was her age when I lost a rabbit and that my dad took me to bury it.

She told me not to let DD6 see me bury it because it might traumatize her. I didn't agree with her, but I didn't say anything.

Some time passed and I asked DD6 if she wanted to bury her. She agreed.

I borrowed a shovel from a neighbor, who almost cried and gave me a hug when I told her. Had never met this lady before.

Went into the yard and dug a good sized hole. I laid the cat nearby and DD6 came out. Curiosity replaced grief at this point and she had lots of questions about death. She got to say goobye to her and I put her in the hole and covered it up. She asked me if she was going to be able to breathe, and I explained that she didn't need to breathe anymore.

So we set a goal of going to the store to get something to make a cross.

Questions followed throughout the day:

Is there a cat heaven?

Is there a cat hell? (Told her there wasn't, but I imagine it would be one long and never ending shower.)

What was going to happen to her in the ground? Would she disappear?

I tried to explain it in a way that wasn't gruesome. I told her that she would disappear and would turn into things like grass and flowers and even worms.

So we set the cross with her name on the grave this morning and I sent her to school with pictures of the cat and her together.

She doesn't cry anymore about the cat, but does lament about her now and then.

So that was my exciting weekend.

Did I handle that ok? Others share this experience?

I think you handled it well. Of course, your exww is going to find out you buried the cat with your D... oh well...

We had a cat that passed away a few years ago. Google "Rainbow Bridge" for a very comforting story about pet heaven that might be appropriate for your D. We've gotten it on sympathy cards in the past, and it made my wife and I both feel better, even though I'm not so sure I believe in cat heaven.

Our cat was very sick for several months. The time came when we just had to put her to sleep. My wife was too upset to go, she wanted me to take her to the vet and stay with her while she was put to sleep. We told the kids about it beforehand, they were 5 years old at the time. We told them the cat was going to hospital and she would not be coming back, and we told them why. I remember my son - who didn't really understand what was going on - laughed, and my wife got very upset at that. All three of them were in tears when I left the house, but they were all dry-eyed when I got back home an hour later.

That was four years ago, right after my wife and I had "reconnected". My kids still remember that cat and talk about her from time to time.

My middle D (9 at the time) found a stray kitten in the yard and wanted to try and save it. It was very sick and died the next day. We buried it in the back yard as well. The kids and mom had already started the hole when I came home from work. I helped finish it and we had a simple ceremony. All three kids watched as we lowered the cat and covered it up. We put a stone over it as a marker.

We also got many questions and tried to explain them as best we could. I don't believe that animals go to heaven because there is nothing in scripture to back it up. At the same time it is very clear that God cares for all animals. Everything was created for his pleasure.

What I am certain of is the kids need the truth. The cat died and that is a normal part of life. I think it is up to the kids if they want to see the animal and be there for the burial. They need closure as well and each child will handle it differently.

I think you did a great job of teaching your kids a difficult and important life lesson. Keep up the good work.

You handled that exactly right. When my kids were little, we involved them in "saying goodbye" 2 pets just like you did. As a result, they are more understanding and better able 2 adjust when grandparents or other relatives pass away.

-ol' 2long

Just a quick update.

All quiet here, for the most part.

Have had a two week time period without the kids due to our visitation schedule. DD6 has moved on fairly well from the death of the cat. Ash Wednesday was a good lesson for her and she's done a little more to start paying attention in church.

We "visited" the cat in the yard and prayed for her.

The only thing I haven't liked lately is that exww hasn't had the kids call. I've tried calling but didn't get a return call.

Supposedly "it's too late" or "too much is going on" to get the kids to call.

I don't have any restrictions on the kids calling when they're over at my place. They ask if they can call exww and I give them the phone and dial it for them without restrictions.

But she lives with a different set of rules for herself.

Haven't heard from her otherwise.

I wrote her the other day because she has the birth certificates for the kids. I've asked for them over and over again without any success.

I'm stuck because the boys were born overseas so I have to go through the State Department to get a copy and they request a certificate number and passport numbers which I don't have.

The process is a real pain but it wouldn't be a big deal if she simply gave me a copy of the docs.

The VA requires birth certificates in order to provide benefits regarding dependents.

Did a little research and the kids qualify for scholarships for being kids of a OIF/OEF Veteran.

They might get medical benefits too.

I've made a request through the parenting coordinator for these docs. I don't know what else to do and have no desire to get lawyers involved to get copies.

So that's my update.

GF and I are doing awesome. She's a real winner and treats me great.

Went with her and some of our friends to an Irish pub this weekend and sang tons of songs and had a blast.

I've also turned her into a Battlestar Galactica nerd, which is oddly appealing.

Hopefully she'll cough up the documents after reading this here as this is just another demonstration that your x is an unfit mother.

If she doesn't change her ways fairly soon and bend her knee to God, I very much anticipate a day where your teenage children will CHOOSE to live with you full time and NEVER want to call her either.

Waywardness is a desease. No matter where she goes her sickness follows her. Your children, as they age, will recognize the sickness in her home and within her and eventually want nothing to do with her. She can try to create a fantasy of happiness in her household but it's soul empty and hallow.

I pity your x.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - xw...you can still REPENT. I'm not talking reconciliation or anything...just repentence. It's not too late. If you need to know how to go about it...start posting (again).

You need a "lawyer letter".

Lawyer letters cost money.

I hope xW has read Mrs W letter.

Come on XWW- having the kids not return his call is playing games and not flattering to you. You would be livid if he did the same. Play by the same rules you're asking him to.