I know there are varying opinions. In fact, I probably weighed in on the thread you referenced, and forgot it had to do with you.

My belief is "married until the ink is dry", and then even beyond that, I think a waiting period is healthy. I'm not going to beat you up, a lot of good people disagree with that, but it is my conviction, and appears to be shared by quite a few MarriageBuilders.

If you take your time I bet you won't regret it!

Thanks, Keep. You're in the same category as my DivorceCare friends.

I'm not rushing off to get married or anything. I'm keeping my guard up.

I just fall into the other camp on this issue as far as being a betrayed spouse goes.

Technically speaking, I'm still married by the church so I shouldn't be dating at all by church standards since they haven't annulled my marriage.

I still have to go through that process.

Was told today that my cat, which I just got a month ago, has tested positive for feline leukemia.

So I now have to decide what to do since DD6 is very attached to her.

She's responding to basic care but I'm not sure I wish to start really spending tons of money if her condition worsens.

I'm hoping I don't have to euthenize.

I need some input here on if I'm wrong about something or not.

As you guys know the exww moved across the border to another state with the kids. It takes a ton of driving to get there and the communications with the schools haven't been so great.

I had a much easier time knowing about events in my DD's school when she was in MD because they sent out an email once a week to keep parents up on events.

WV isn't sophisticated enough, aparently, to send an email out each week.

The daycare had a presentation for the parents last Friday in which the kids performed. I didn't know it was going on. DD called me at night and asked me why I wasn't there. I told her that I didn't know. I mentioned to her that she can tell me about such things that she's practicing for so that I know about them and can go.

I contacted exww about it with the emails I sent below:

From: pom
Sent: Saturday, January 24, 2009 12:53 PM
To: exww
Subject: DD's recital


exww,

What was the show DD was talking about? How long has it been planned for?

Pom

Her response:

Pom,

It wasn't a recital just for DD. The boys were in it too and it was a winter performance planned by the daycare center. I don't know how long it had been planned, but I think since around the holidays is when they started practicing if I can remember correctly. DD had told me you said you would come next time but that she needed to remind you. I don't think that's fair to tell her since she's only six and it shouldn't be her responsibility to remind her parents of things at this age. I don't want her to think it's her fault that either one of us would forget something or not do something because she didn't remind us.

exww



My response to this:

This is the type of thing we should be exchanging information about once a week. I was upset that I didn't know about this. I don't blame you, but do feel that my absence could have been prevented with a weekly email exchange where we discuss upcoming things with the kids and what they have happening during the week.

It's something I think we should start doing to prevent things like this from happening again. DD sounded disappointed that I wasn't there and I would have been if I had known.

Are you willing to exchange an email on Monday or Friday to discuss the kid's activities for the upcoming week?

Pom


Her ranting response:

Pom,

I have so much on my plate right now to keep track of and follow through on that I can't keep you constantly updated on things and keep you on track too. Personally, I don't feel it's my responsibility (nor is it DD's) to keep you aware of everything. I am incredibly, incredibly busy through the week with DD's homework, her couple recent projects we've been working on, my own medical appointments and work, but I still keep up with all that is going on with school and daycare. You are free throughout the week and have a good amount of free time to stay aware of what is going on with the kids by email, phone, etc with school and daycare.

I honestly don't feel like it's my job to keep you up with everything as I am no longer your wife. I am being straight with you here that I am not trying to be nasty, smart, or anything, but just telling you how I feel on this issue. I feel it is your duty to be an involved parent and follow up on things such as events, etc, just as I do. You are at the daycare almost every Friday and Monday of the month outside of the one weekend they are with me and have just as much opportunity to ask about things going on as I do.

I don't want to start an email back and forth about this arguing because it's not my intention to be nasty to you or not trying to work with you at all, but between how much I have going on myself and my own feelings on the issue, I feel like you are able to keep up with some of these things yourself. Of course, I will always try to keep you updated on things like doctor appts or what happened at them if you don't go, grades, major accidents, etc., but I feel like you can keep aware yourself on some things.

I tried to tell you about DD in my first email because what made her feel bad was feeling like the reason you didn't come was because SHE didn't remind you, but that isn't her responsibility either and was unfair to say to her..she doesn't need to feel like it's her duty either. I was trying to make you aware how she felt, that's all, not to argue with you but just so you would know for next time. Please don't email me any further on this because I don't want to argue with you and have told you how I felt on this issue, so I will not respond further on this issue past this email.

exww



I took this email exchange and sent my concerns to the parenting coordinator. I understand I bear responsibility for knowing what is going on with the kid's school and daycare, but I can't guess on things if they don't inform me. I called the daycare to find out how they let parents know about this and it turns out that they sent the info home with the kids by putting the info in the kid's mailboxes.

Well, I don't get these because they don't make duplicates for me. I asked them to do so from this point onwards and they will.

I also called the school to let them know that I wasn't getting anything in the mail and to please make sure I was sent any documents that were sent to exww.

So I'm doing what I can to keep informed.

My question is this:

Is it too much to ask exww to have a once a week email exchange about the kids and their upcoming activities/appointments for the week?

A coparenting book I read recommends that and it sounds like a good idea, but it is aparently too much to ask from exww.

In my state, (DE), the it is the custodial parent's responsibility to let the non - custodial parent know about school events etc. In fact, it is part of the visitation guidelines issued by the state.

Yes. If this were a "normal" divorce (no adultery/betrayal, etc.) then it might be reasonable to expect good co-parenting, but asking a WW for a WEEKLY email exchange... I think you're pushing it.

Stick with the direct sources (i.e., the school, daycare, etc.). Make it a habit to ask DD what's going on in her life at school, upcoming events (if a 6 yr. old even keeps up with that, lol).

ahh Glad to see she hasn't lost her touch.

That CS agreement really must have gotten her goat, a simple OK would have worked.

Always looking for that soft exposed spot..

Yours is not the first story like this I've heard. I also haven't seen it work out between the ex's. You pretty much have to nag the school or daycare about it. The thing is, you really have to nag the school - they don't seem to accomodate broken homes very well. Just wait until they send home projects on family trees and family traditions etc. It breaks my heart to see the homework my friend's 7 year old DD has to do that seems to have no purpose other than to single out the kids whose parents are divorced.

Anyway, just tell them that your exww is unwilling to keep you informed and would they mind keeping a duplicate information sheet for you. Then ask for your copy each and every time you are there.

Waywards suck.

Ok. I just wanted to see if I was being unreasonable or too demanding.

I honestly don't think we'll ever be able to coparent with her attitude. It looks to me like she will forever see me as someone she has to tolerate and not the true other parent of the kids.

I've started nagging the schools and the daycare, but things fall through the cracks.

Last year she failed to notify me about an award that our DD had. She says she sent a note in her backpack, but the most efficient way to get a hold of me is via email.

So I asked, once again, if we could have a weekly or even monthly email to lay out the appointments for the kids.

Someone at work pointed something very good out.

She is unwilling to tell me about the kid's activities but doesn't miss a beat when the CS payment doesn't arrive exactly when she expects it.

Sadly, all she sees me as is a paycheck. At least it's a much smaller one now.

I'm sure her parents and her boyfriend were there. But not the most important man in the kid's lives. I'll bet a million that she purposely doesn't tell me these things in the hopes I don't show up.

I'm not thrilled at the idea of seeing her either, but I don't go to these things for her but for the kids.

I took her irrational rant and sent it to the parenting coordinator with my opinion on the matter.

She thinks she's rational. Others seem to differ. All of you are quick to dish out the 2x4s when they're deserved, so I know I'm not totally off in my thoughts when you guys don't start hitting me with them.

On a positive note, my girlfriend (yes, I have progressed to call her that) met my friends this weekend and they liked her. My one friend is still concerned regarding the circumstances, but liked her very much.

They also enjoyed seeing me scrambling around cooking in the kitchen and said that GF and I looked like a good team.

She treats me great. I really like how she doesn't put pressure on me about anything. She hasn't pressured me to meet the kids. She doesn't pressure me to come see her on the nights I'm free.

She opens herself up to see the movies I like or want to see and I really enjoy the fact that we can talk about literature and have intelligent conversations.

That last email from your WW sounds like it could have been from my WW. She's not too busy, she's just too busy for you. When my WW dropped off our son to my house for the weekend, she said she had a "busy" weekend planned. Translation: affairing around with OM..

I wouldn't expect much from WW. It just sets us up for failure in my opinion. I think she SHOULD give you a weekly update but realistically, she's selfish and couldn't care less... I think you did the right thing by following up with the school and day care.

I'm glad things are going well with your girlfriend!

There's the nail hit squarely on the head. And the reason for the ranting and raving is because you didn't simply agree to her plan to completely back out of her life so OM could become your kids' daddy. Because of course, she loves him so much so obviously the kids are going to love him too.

Sadly, this is the mind of a wayward.

Good to hear about the GF. Glad things are working out in that department. Stay on top of the schools/daycare. Like I said, they don't seem to accomodate children of divorce particularly well but if you keep after them, you should get most of the information. You would think in this day and age with a divorce rate of 53%, it would be a natural thing.

Where in the world did she even get that you're expecting her to act as a "wife"?? She doesn't even know the meaning of that word to begin with. In addition all you're asking is that she be the mother of those children. Period.

You know it's not the best between my ex and I yet when the kids get something I put a copy of it in the childs weekly folder and vice versa. I write his name at the top. Stepmom is also really good about returning the favor and we email sometimes everyday.

I think a weekly email is probably too much communication for you guys at this point but if she were decent she could at least shoot you a quick email- Hey, POM, performance at school 1/27 at 6:00 pm. She sure had enough time to meet guys on myspace with her husband off at war and three, yes, three small children- which included a set of twins. She has enough time to let you know what's going on.

She's also insinuating in her emails you're not helping her with the kids- notice that she references your daughters projects. Why is she doing all of those? You guys should take turns. This year my DD had a project and I helped with that one. DS had a project and his dad helped him with that one. Next time it will be the opposite. She is also quick to point out how much "free time" you have. Sounds like she's a bit jealous in a way!

Honestly, I really don't care what she thinks of me, but what I wish she would do is see that she's only hurting the kids with her attitude.

My daughter wondered why I wasn't there. She thought I just skipped out.

You're right, a quick email would have prevented the problem.

Like it or not, I'm their dad and it really tics her off that the court recognizes that, that the kid's attorney recognizes that, that the schools and daycares see it too.

She wants me to drop off the face of the earth except for my checks.

But I'm fairly confident that people will see through the attitude and things like this will happen less and less as the kids get older and keep me informed about stuff on their own.

I'll do what I can to keep up with the schools and daycares, but it's not easy with the new school because they simply don't communicate as much as the school here in MD did and the daycare staff at our former daycare understood the dynamics at play and always called or informed me about stuff going on.

As far as her complaints about free time or not, I simply see what has happened as a consequence to her attitude. She didn't accept the offers I made which left her in a much better situation than she ended up getting from the courts. But that's fine. Her no compromise attitude is what gave me a good deal.

It's funny because I offered her to keep primary custody with much more CS but she turned it down because I asked that the kids go to Catholic school.

That wasn't acceptable to her. She said through her lawyer that she wouldn't accept any settlement unless I gave her sole physical and legal custody.

Their offers were all so bad that I knew I couldn't do any worse with a judge.

That's a bad place to put someone in. Who isn't willing to take risks when they feel they have nothing left to lose?

I see her complaints as "hey, this is the divorce you wanted. I warned you that it wouldn't be a picnic or easy or good for the kids, but that's what you pushed for. Enjoy the results."

Her emails increasingly show a person who can't let go and move on and learn that like it or not I'm an equal in the kid's lives.

Yes, a weekly email might be too much, but a bi-weekly one isn't especially when it's focused only on logistical stuff for the kids.

I would be interested to know what your (or her state) handles the communication problem. View back to Psubikers post.

Nice job that you know have a girlfriend. What does it take that your marriage has not been annulled by the church? Are they aware of the circumstances of your divorce?

I haven't talked to my priest about it, but he knows I'm divorced. He also knows the circumstances and that I will eventually seek an annullment. I have some questions for him about an annullment.

It's my understanding that I will be able to re-marry in the church because I wasn't the one who broke my vows and that she won't be permitted to marry in the church unless she can prove that I was at fault in someway.

I wasn't the one who cheated and went outside my marriage, so she'd have a tough time justifying the end of the marriage and would have an impossible time justifying infidelity while married to me.

I'd also fight it if she tried to say otherwise.

But I don't think she cares or is going to do anything since I don't think her current boyfriend is Catholic. Could be an issue with any future husbands.

Hey Pom. No advice. Just popping in to let you know I still watch your thread.

I am really going to try to get down to an Air Force football game next year. I have always wanted to see a game there.

Friday is the 2-year anniversary of Wayzilla packing up and heading to Infidel Hotel and luuuuuuuv. I think I will toast that evening after the basketball game with a Hennessy Cognac.

Keep on keeping on.

Best game to go to is when we play either Army or Navy since we pull out the major flybys for that. Lots of hardware on display for those games. One of the most memorable flybys was a B-1 bomber that came in really, really low, popped up on burner into a climb right over the stadium, made a ton of noise, and left JP8 fumes all over the stadium.

Brought lots of cheering.

The other one I remember is a P-51 that flew over below the pressbox level. That was pretty awesome. That was for a Notre Dame game back in 91.

The games against Utah and Colorado State are also pretty exciting. CSU brings their dancing team and makes for good sideline views when the game gets boring. It's fun to watch their "spirit".

No you do not get to marry in the church because you were not the WS.

You get to marry in the church after an annullment because the church when granting an annullment states that the marriage was never valid. Not never happened. Both WS and BS get to remarry in the church.

If that's the truth, then I have a serious problem with it.

I'll call my priest and find out.

But my dad remarried and it wasn't in the church. He was the WH. My mom did remarry in the church. She was the BS.