Stella, Are you just trying to harass this woman or do you think what you said is helpful to her? Or are you just having another bad day and picked this woman to take it out on?

Trying2Live, You are do an amazing plan A. Keep up the good work and don't let comments from haters get to you. Your H does love you, he is just a bit lost right now. Like the others have said, I think he will be home soon. Him feeling guilt for the pain and tears is a good thing.

I do appreciate everyone posting and helping me but I was kinda wondering, I felt a bit of unresolved pain there in that advice, which I can understand completely. I do get that he is selfish, most walk a ways are.

I am concentrating on not expecting anything and for him to run hot and cold.

Believer Yup there's the cake eater himself. I agree, we see him tomorrow for breakfast and he's gonna work on my brakes. Think I'll drop off for the rest of the week. Believer do you think if he texts goodnight or calls I should respond or answer?

I know he has an amount of care for me, but more care for himself.

The hug he gave me last night, IMHO was genuine. I have been with this man since the 8th grade. Yes it might have been cake eating some too, but I felt genuine care, and I don't feel I'm completely deceived, I am fully aware that what all of us here are doing comes with no guarantees.

TTLIG, Thanks for the encouragement I can use all I can get right now. I am just Plan A'ing my boo-tay(LOL) as best I can. I am surely dreading Plan B but understand the necessity of it for both of us. Just a few weeks left.
I think for me the best part of Plan A whether or not it works out for my family is it has allowed me to gain a love for him i didn't have 6 months ago. To be able to look into his eyes with pure love, maybe purer than before and hopefully whether there is reconciliation or not I can keep that, Its better than hate, although hate may have its place, but I'd rather be consumed by love than by hate.

Salsa class was fun and challenging and helped me burn off some of the day. More Plan A tomorrow.....

Stella, have you noticed yet that your personal turmoil frequently finds an outlet in bashing hurting BS's and vulnerable new FWS's? Most of what you say is true, but said in the most hurtful way possible, and in a case where no 2x4 is needed, at all. I sympathize with what you've been through/are going through, but that is no excuse to engage in destructive behavior.

T2L, this was great. Even your question about the OW was fine, because of how well you handled it. If you had blown up at him and LB'd, that would have been bad, but you didn't. You were classy and gracious, and left him put on the spot and feeling like a heel (for some peculiar reason).

I even liked the part about how you can't do this forever. Now he'll feel like he's got the sword of Damocles over his head. Oh wait, he does.

Wanting to be around lots, coming over extra, all this is super. You are doing awesomely, and I'm really excited for you.

B, I had a good chuckle when I saw that. Am I good or what? ROFL! I will admit to having a little secret hope even back then that you would reconcile. Even now, I'd jump up and down and cheer if it happened, but hey, I'm happy for you now, too. You've been such a calm, steadying influence for so many years, and any man is lucky to have you.

Are people supposed to BABY thier cheating cake eaters until well...until.....WHEN?

Why can't they just operate in the world of TRUTH???

Why lie to themselves and others about how the cheater really does love them?

StellaKat,
I hear the pain you have but let me explain. Having rarely spoken or seen my H(because I cut him off for about 5 months), Yes he is cake eating. I just implemented Plan A on October 3rd, I want him to eat cake. That's my Plan, so it's working.

If he goes by our last interactions over the last 5 months(before I found the book made the changes in myself and allowed him to see and experience these changes, then why on earth would he have a reason to want to come home or at least consider it?)

Regardless of whether you feel my H could possibly have an amount of love for me does not matter. Yes he had an affair, continues to do so and is selfish. Because I am the mother of his children there will always be an amount of love for me, maybe not respect or passionate love, but love in that he does not hope that I die or fall off the earth. This is real, this is what he expresses to my children.

Yes our marriage needed some help, but it wasn't horrible, we were actually each other's best friends and laughed a lot together. He was celebrated in his home and loved pretty well.

He has lost his way(Yes he may not find his way back). I choose to allow the love I have for him to cover, as the bible says, a multitude of sins and give a soft answer to turn away wrath. I refuse to allow bitterness (even if he stays with OW) to consume me and pass that venom to my children.

Instead i will fight against hate and bitterness to the very end so my children will respect me and be able to see really what happened instead of seeing that mom is a hateful yucky person and be able look at me in the wrong light. Bitterness is a venom that steals joy, peace and life and will consume your soul. No thanks I don't want to teach my kids that they are way to precious to me. Now I'm not saying I haven't had moments of struggle with hating him, but I choose to pull my self out of it as quick as i can, and believe me I know it ain't easy.

My hope is that not just me, but everyone on this forum, that they do not stay and conform to the present circumstance but through it, no matter the outcome, that they will transform and use this terrible circumstance as an opportunity for growth. No we have not asked for growth but why not use every moment we are alive to grow instead of living every day out of the moment we discovered the affair. Sorry I just can't God has plans for me too and it didn't only mean if my H was by my side.

I'm grateful for all my new friends who are a light to me helping me and encouraging me during my Plan A and soon my Plan B. Your words are gold to me, either way it goes, because I've found friends among people who understand my pain because they've went through it too. I am amazed by you becaue you still can see hope and you do not bash our fathers/mothers of our children. You speak clear truths, facts and wisdom with out the sting of hate. Now that's amazing! That's strength and its beautiful!

Everyone will give you different opinions, so I suggest you stick to the MB plan which is around 6 weeks of a SOLID Plan A, followed by Plan B.

You are doing an excellent job. Keep it up.

B,
That's the Plan! And actually, I really have been giving this to God and thinking about what day I want to give my PBL to H. If I give it to him on Oct. 31st that's only 28 days of Plan A. Since I only see him maybe 2-3 days a week I really was thinking of adding 2 weeks.

I ran it by my Pastor who seems to really like the Program and he mentioned if I could extend it just a bit so I was considering going to 6 weeks. You just confirmed what I feel I'm supposed to do. I feel pretty strong about the 6 week marker and know that I'm not going over that. It'll be just before Thanksgiving. I do not want to spend Thanksgiving with him, even as he stated he'll be alone. I just don't feel I can sit with the white elephant in the room during that day or Christmas.

Well he'll be here in a few hours for lunch and chores.

I read over the Goddess thread. Good stuff, but I have always done all that. I'm a girly girl so always have the make-up and new stuff, perfume, body spray, mystic tans, hair done every 2 months, mani and pedi's, I take walks, buy new music, garden, read, go in the jacuzzi etc etc. I think what I wanna do is paint my bed room and game room for the kids. and keep doing all the other stuff. I think I will go back to the gym. I'm in pretty good shape already as I have been a gym a holic since I was 16 but I stopped when this all happened, so I'll do that too.

You can't go wrong following the MB plan exactly. I suggest two more weeks. You seem to have a knack for Plan A. And also get your ducks in a row for Plan B.

Then you go for it, girl.

You'll know if you need to finish sooner, and if you don't we'll :twobyfour: you, never fear.

This is a great line, T2L. BEAUTIFUL!!

And SO true!!

I worked at this before I found MB. I didn't want to harbor any hate for either one of the adulterers...it is just NOT healthy, and my health was already on a downward decline before exposure; a.k.a. "Brave New World."

It really helps you to heal when you done have the bitterness and hate in your heart. It serves NO purpose. Other than to keep you stagnant. And who the heck wants that?

I wish that a lot of people here that are still mired in bitterness could break away from that. It is sad to see and I never know what to say to them even though I wish I could help them in some way.

Have a great day!

Charlotte

And P.S.) You're grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAT!!!

Hear, hear

Hey, T2L

LMAO

Neak I never posted of divorce on this thread. In fact I rarely do post divorce them posts anymore. The couple times I have have been when people are clearly being abused or used. Like that one man's wife who has sex with Charlie and lies to him and has used him and cheated on him thier whole marriage.

Hey even then I am not sure i urged him to divorce.

Wait, I may have asked Cat why she was unable to divorce her husband who is a monster.

I'm glad to hear that your divorce advice has gotten less frequent.

Now maybe it's time to work on delivery. I'm not a big fan of censorship, or infringments on posting styles. I'm even a supporter of many 2x4's here. But truly, there are many times when you either deliver a bashing when none is needed, or just go about posting in an angry way.

Even when a 2x4 is needed, it will be much better received if it is given with a measure of caring, also. I'm not trying to judge whether you actually care or not, but if you do, it's not coming across.

I'm telling you this because I feel that you have something valuable that you'll be able to offer, once your anger has subsided sufficiently to distance yourself from the active-BS feelings. Your anger toward your parents, and possibly also some unresolved anger at your FWH affects most of what you say here.

Sometimes difficult things need to be said, but they need to spring from genuine love and caring toward the person being rebuked. Also, most BS's don't really begin to feel anger untl Plan B and/or recovery. Trying to whip up their resentment while they are focused on killing the affair is unproductive. Plenty of anger will come later, when it's time, and without any outside interference.

Please continue to read and learn about the plans. They really do work, and they are the very best way to make it through the A with a good shot at R. By sticking with the MB plans, a majority of BS's will succeed in saving their marriages, and in helping their WS recover their good character. It happens on here all the time, and it's a privilege to have a part in the process.

Well made it through the weekend.
Met as many Admiration needs as I could and domestic needs too. Sunday he was here from noon to 8:30 PM. Took us to lunch worked on the car. I think he's coming Wednesday to visit. I think he may come Friday if he keeps his date with his buddy from church. We'll see. Hopefully.

Sent an email today to H admiring what a great job he did on the brakes etc etc.

I was running out of things for him to do at the house since he's been doing most of it for the last 2 weeks so I was like hey maybe you can get my Christmas stuff down and ready since I'll probably put it all out after Thanksgiving. Seems like he's here mostly during the weekends, at least 2 out of the 3 days. I was bad again( i did it with a smile and flirt tho, does that count) did ask H if OW new he was here at the house with kids and me here, he said yes and I said Disneyland too? He said yes and I say, she's okay with it and he says not really. Hmmm, wondering if he was just lying or if it was the truth. He knows I have her phone number since we all have the same cell phone plan.

Anyways more to come as usual....

BTW, Neak sent you an email.

You're doing great.
Really, spectacularly.

Please stop asking him about OW. Don't pry.
Right now OW is probably hopping mad that he's spending time with you and the kids and having second thoughts. I'd bet good money she grills him, and he probably finds that controlling, irritating, and suffocating. PLEASE be a haven for him and don't grill him too.

You're doing too good to let your curiosity undo your hard work.

Yeah your right, and I do want to be a haven for him. I am not going to ask any more questions, promise. Besides, I do want her to be the one to drill him. Thanks

Yes, no more questions. Let HER turn into the witch. OW HATE their intended spending time with the wife and family.

Also, I don't think she is very competent on domestic support. That will start bothering him.

I think your doing wonderfully.

No more bringing up OW tho. When he's with you and the kids, your all you want him to be thinking of.
Be his wife as much as he will let you and be the best one you can be.

How are you going with getting all the Plan B stuff organised to go? Mostly ready?