Thank you believer.

Antidepressants? I know they should make me stop crying at the drop of a hat, but will they also help me with a better outlook on things? There are days that I want to give up. I dont mean suicidal but like pack up the house and kids and move far away to start over. I have never been on them. When I was in IC, she recommended them but couldnt prescribe them.

They help as far as making you stronger. I took them for 6 months, just to be able to go to work without being like a zombie. They help you make good decisions.

You were sure right about this. All this week I have been going back and forth in my head. Tonite I think I am ready to divorce him. I dont think I can handle the emotional abuse anymore. I told him on the phone the other day, me loving him isnt enough. I cant save him, I cant repair his relationship with his kids and I cant help him be a good husband. I made alot of mistakes but I dont deserve this. I have no way of knowing what he is going to be like, but conversations lately havent shown me much. My parents love me with their whole hearts and would do anything to support me. I spoke to my mom tonite and she said nothing would make her happier then to see my wh healthy and responsible, she loves him as her own son. She however says I deserve more then what I have received. I know that also. I just have a hard time saying good bye to my best friend. I dont know how. How did he do it so easily, so many times? I dont know how someone who was supposed to love me, lied to me so easily and exposed me to OW cooties (this was my breaking point I think)

Just take your time making decisions. Work on getting yourself healthy. It is hard, but we all have been through things similar. I'm happier than ever, but it took 5 years of H*LL to get there.

You ended up not taking him back though didnt you? I know you arent recommending divorce, and I thank you for that. Its just that he has done so much to me this last year. Leaving me and planning on never seeing me or our children again, coming back, leaving again. THen living here without getting a job and breaking my heart so much. I know I ALLOWED that but if he loved me, could he do that? I knew about both women, but when he said that he did not sleep with the second one, he looked me in the eyes and said it. I believed him. I trusted him with my life and he didnt care. He treated me like crap for months about my emotional affair. Even though he was screwing her. He made me believe that we werent together because of me, but he was sleeping with her. He tried to come back in June and when I said we needed time, he blamed me saying he hadnt betrayed me, but he had. He was talking to me on the internet after he had sex with her. He was pretending we would try and he was going to her. He wants to come back because she told him she didnt want him and that he was too obsessed with her. Not because he chose us. He said he wanted to come home but he sat on her steps for hours waiting for her to come out and say she wanted him. He keeps trying to give her chances. He told me this weekend that she had her chance but she gave it up. WTF, how pathetic does he figure I am? He keeps saying that he didnt do it just for sex but because he was in love with both of them. How does that make me feel better. He fell in love 2 times this year and it was so easy. How do I know he wont fall in love with someone in this zip code this time. One thing that also scares me is that I am scared of him. Not physically, emotionally. That shouldnt be the reason he comes home, because I am scared of how he would react if I say no.

Sounds like you no longer respect your WH. That is the danger of not going to Plan B quickly. In my opinion once you loose the respect the marriage is over. But, this time last year I was a devestated BS, today I'm happier than I've ever been. You will not always feel the way you do today! Protect yourself and remove yourself from this abuse. Plan B...

Yeah thats what I was worried about. I did everything wrong for plan A and B. I had all the ingredients, just didnt read the recipes completely. My mom says I cant even think straight now because I am so tired.

I was looking for a new IC. How do I know which one to choose. I didnt like the last one.

<Waves to Vladie>

How about an update?

So tonite I talked to WH. He hasnt had internet access so he only emailed me once this week and I didnt respond because I have been thinking. When my WH called I told him that I had to leave soon. We just chit chatted for a while and he comes out with "we are over arent we" I told him that I didnt know. I confessed to the things that I had been scared to tell him in fear of his reaction. I told him that I felt like his latest confession has thrown me and that I had lost alot of my feelings for him. I told him that he talks down to me and I dont like it. I let him know how much it hurt me when I asked for some space and replied with a nasty message. All I wanted was a comforting email saying he understood and to talk my time but instead I got a long slam. I told him if we got back together I have no desire to go back to that. He was pretty calm, I could tell he wasnt feeling well and he was down. I asked him about OW and he said she had been texting him but he hasnt been bothered to text her back. I told him I want it ended. I told him he cant have me trying to get over these feelings of hurt if he is just going to turn around and say "oh well, maybe i can have another shot with OW" He said he understood. I told him that I know because of the immigration situation that it felt like we needed to decide something right now, but that the date was still 6 weeks away and that was still a good bit of time. I told him to please work on himself and i would do the same and I would not move on (he keeps asking if I have moved on) until I felt I could tell him I was divorcing him and moving on.

I actually had an appointment at my church to speak to a minister about things. They wanted to encourage me and offer me any help.Afterwards I talked to the minister and it went well, told him of the conversation I had with WH. They were very supportive asked if I saw changes in my OW would I think of taking him back. I thought a minute and said, yes. I have that little flutter in my heart again.

Today is a bad day. I havent talked to WH for a few days. I did expect a phone but all I got was a short HI email on Friday. I had a nightmare on Wednesday night that my WH had died and that his family didnt even tell me. They had a service and buried him and didnt feel the need to tell me. It kinda wraps up how I feel they feel about me.

Anyway, next Sunday is our 10 yr anniversary, it was something I have always looked forward to. Before all this started, I had big plans for this anniversary, renewing vows, a small ceremony. Getting our rings finally. Our wedding was so small, in fact just my parents were there. We had no money, but just wanted to be together. It was all so romantic. Now we wont even be on the same continent for our anniversary,and what is there to celebrate? In fact, my guess is he wont even remember.

Then it is probably never a good idea to watch a Lifetime movie when you are depressed about a WS. All those movies deal with waywards. Its so beautiful and sitting outside hearing our kids laugh and play, I wanted to share with him, so I called him, but no answer.

"Then it is probably never a good idea to watch a Lifetime movie when you are depressed about a WS. All those movies deal with waywards."

I've been sick with a bad cold all week and watched two yesterday, and they were BOTH about affairs. Don't know why I did, but I did.

Things will get better. Trust me on that.

Arggh, the one I watched was a Melissa Gilbert one, her brother in law in it was a complete jerk cheating, and even murders his wife when she finds out there was NC from his last fling.

Thanks for saying it would get better. There is just to much you know? Everyday I look at the number of registered members here, and all the different stories. Very few ever thought this would happen to them, some still dont feel like it is truly happening. They range from ones married just a few months, to ones that are married for decades. With/without kids. People who were like me and so happy and truly thought they were with their soulmate. I want to shake my friends who dont think its going to happen to them and tell them, it could and it is likely it will happen to at least one of my friends. I was reading statistics its about half of marriages have had a cheating partner. How many are going around without a clue its happening? How many do know, but sweep it in under the rug to get over it?

I have a hard time with my social circle looking at my WH as the devil (even if I do at times) I am not even sure if he is in the minority (cheating spouses) Maybe since he confessed, even though I probably was willing to ignore my gut, he is in the minority. How many are going around and cheating (EA or PA) and just dont think they do anything wrong.

My dad cheated, I never knew until all this started with me. Of course the circumstances were different, he was in the army and away from my mom for over a year in Korea and had someone where he was. It was wrong, and he wasnt planning on telling my mother, she found proof. NC was easy, you know, other side of the world and all. My mom said that she still hated hearing the womans name (and it is pretty common) and even worried whenever she saw eating KimChee (korean dish) ITS BEEN ALMOST 50 yrs!!!!!

Wow this turned into a babble.

Yes, cheating is very common, and they say that MOST affairs are never discovered, but just end on their own.

The lucky thing is that you have found this site, know what to do, and can be a help for many others who may one day face the same thing.

And things DO get better. It changes your whole perspective on life. I'm a much stronger, focused woman than before. For that part, I'm thankful.

Men suck, ok thats not true.

Is it normal for all my waking moments, and sometimes even sleeping ones, that all I think of is my WH and what he has done. It has been over a year now, just he added to it recently. Everything since August has been..."This time last year...?" Music is horrible, because there are few songs that dont upset me.

My boss had an affair on his wife, the OW sent the wife pictures to the BW. How horrible, I cant imagine actually having that visual. My brain already makes its own visual, but to have actually seen it?

Thanks for chatting believer:)

So I just got of the phone with WH. 2 hrs and 15 minutes, thank goodness for vonage. Well actually 30 minutes were with MIL, who I havent talked to since February when my WH was in hospital. Anyway it was an ok talk. It was early so the house was quiet and the kids werent underfoot. I told him how my tests went and told him he still needed to go get tested and not to use my tests to determine how he is.

We talked back and forth for a bit and I ended venting about my fears. He listened and kept saying I am sorry. I called him on a few things. I have been working through some things in my head and trying to figure out the last year. I feel like we have 2 phases to figure out. Our marriage leading up to the affair, and how I acted after finding out about the affair. When things would get a little intense, he would change the subject to the kids to keep it calm, which was good. He apologized but there were no "but you" I hate that, and I got alot of those before. He was trying to explain to me how to fix the shower, lol, made him laugh.

Ok I am off to do some things and get the kidsout of the house. Its a beautiful day. I did want to ask, how much help do you think Dr. Harley could be in my situation? WH being so far away, and us not even knowing what we are doing.

He called again tonite. We spoke for almost 2 hrs and it was about 2 am in England. He was crying. Kept saying he was sorry and didnt know how he turned into what he did. He said he thinks of the things that he has said to me and done and it makes him sick.

i have just finished up my first week of ADs and I feel awesome. in fact I think I should have been on these since my first child was born. Not that I blame the affair on myself but I did not make life easy. We had a good discussion tonite. We talked about concerns. He has actually been awesome during every conversation we had this week. Him apologizing without using the word BUT meant everything to me. I am still scared. I really thought that going on ADs would make me strong and realize that I should move on, but the opposite happened. It made me strong and made me realize what we missed out on, and that I am strong, and that i do love him. Anyway I am in a good spot. The kids, especially my daughter has really been talking about him. I havent told them that he wants to come home. I dont want to get their hopes up.

Hang in there. Sounds like things are going better. There is no hurry. The cards are in your hands.

I do feel better. I even took off tomorrow, which is unusual for me.

So here I am a week later. I had a hard week last week, I dont k now if it was the AD stablizing or what. I couldnt wake up properly a few days, then I slept for hrs on Sat afternoon.

My brain is telling me that my husband is screwing with my heart again. After all those wonderful things he said a week and half ago, he didnt make any contact all weekend. My guess is he was probably with OW, or maybe he even has another one, who knows.

I didnt email him this morning. I really dont have anything to say right now. I did respond to his email asking if the kids were ok. I am not playing a game, just have nothing to say right now.

It has been our pattern, everytime I feel like giving up, he gives me hope and I hold on a little longer just to find out that the hope wasnt anything, just lies. I can never trust my heart, because it has only lied to me. I dont know if I am just bitter now and my thoughts go directly to the worst case scenerio or not.