I know darn it I'm so mad at myself. I'm not gonna mention her again. I will duct tape my own mouth!

I do want her to be the one to ask, question and unravel. I'm gonna so concentrate on being a sweet lil wifey pooh meeting all his Top 5 needs the best I can.

We even talked on the phone for 15 minutes tonight. Usually he calls the house phone to talk to the kids but he called my cell tonight and instead of asking for Gabriel he asks how the painting of the spare room is going. So i followed suit and kept chatting. I made sure again, meeting admiration and conversation needs at every possible chance, say hey I can't believe what a good job you did on the brakes on my truck. I think they are working better now than they did when we bought it I just can't believe it. Thanks for doing them. He asks how son is doing at night, I say well nights are hard, son10 is still sleeping in my bed and I have to redirect a lot and it seems to help, but not sure if he's going to ever really get used to you being gone. I then say but when you hugged him yesterday and spent all that time with him I watch my son's heart melt and I can see how much it means to him having you around and hugging and loving him.

So folks trying to find every opportunity to meet those needs. I'm pretty sure he is going to be over Wednesday to watch son at the house and hang out with him and tuck him in while I'm at church. Which is new since he has only been around on the weekends since the start of Plan A.
I did ask him if he wanted to come over on Friday for steaks and some wine just the 2 of us since S10 will be at cousins house for a sleep over and DD17 is going out. We'll see if he comes but I did ask. I'm hoping he will, but NO EXPECTATION, HE WILL RUN HOT AND COLD, I AM THE LIGHT HOUSE AND NOT THE SHIP AT SEA, I AM THE THERMOSTAT I SET THE TEMPERATURE! NO EXPECTATIONS AND NO LOOKING AT THE DARN GARDEN WHEN I JUST PLANTED THOSE DARN SEEDS....hey guys how am I doing? Yeah! But in all seriousness folks it is the very best advice ever and has helped me keep my Plan A sanity.

More to come.....

Just checking in after a long day. I see you're still doing really well, and at least you know you aren't sposed to be checking for sprouts yet.

oh, hey T2L..

those sunflowers I planted a while ago have just started pushing thru the soil, and most have thier first set of laterals out. Have so many and they are so close together I have going to have to remove some, or thin a bit at least.

just FYI

Hmmmm, plant some more then! LoL! Roses, carnations, lilies, daisies, corn, cabbage, onions....Oh wait sorry those aren't flowers.
Besides who said you get to thin them out?? Don't you know the thicker the better? LMAO

Okay I am totally NOT getting excited or anything but did I just hear you say he's spending at least half of his free time with the family? Plus all the driving time and gas expense... I bet OW is a really happy camper now.

Just keep on doing what you're doing and OW will destroy the A herself. See if I'm not right. I bet she's doing it now, and he's "hiding" at your place (the haven, where he's admired and appreciated, and the conversation is entertaining).

I predict he'll be wanting to come home, and the next thing we'll have to coach you on is making him stay away until he's ready to meet your requirements. Set that bar high, woman. You want a GREAT marriage, not a "this'll do" marriage.

Of course that's just pie-in-the-sky dreaming and I am NOT counting any chickens or sprouts, because none of them have hatched yet.

Got it! Set the Bar High! Sorry Mr. you gotta meet my conditions!

Yes he's coming, but does it matter that I kinda had to tell him that s10 really needs to see him more that the weekend and how it will really help him if he can see him 1 day during the week? I mean my son did really say that and he really has had a very hard time with this whole thing and really is in therapy and sleeping in my bed. So that's the reason he's coming as DD17 and will be at church.

I did however tell him that I would be making dinner and it will be there for them (meeting the domestic need). I'm hoping he accepts my invitation to dinner on Friday just him and I. On Sunday he did give me another hug and a peck kiss when he said goodbye and my son was sneaking around peaking and says mom he gave you 2 hugs and a kiss! But I am still aware that when I go to Plan B he may get mad or may not come home.

Again, I wish that he would get it together before Plan B, but I doubt it. My Plan B will start Nov. 14 or 15 which ever day I can see him in person and hand him the letter.

I think that's a fantastic reason for him to be coming. You didn't make up stories or try to manipulate him into coming. You're not using the children as a tool to get him to come to you (heck, you'll be at church).

I think it is an important statement that your WH can see (and care) about the damage his actions are having on your DS10. Most waywards can't see and don't care. They are oblivous and callous. I'm not saying yours is a gem, he's a poopy-head like all waywards, but there are lots of promising signs.

You just keep on doing what you're doing.

And remember, when he gets angry or shuts down, it's NOT about you. It's probably OW getting all up in his grill, or his own guilt, or something else totally unrelated, like a toothache. You're a convenient target, but you're NOT the cause of any bad behaviors on his part. You, mis TTL, are doing swimmingly.

Can you arrange for an awesome date night or family night where he stays late, and then hand him the PBL as you hug and peck goodnight?

Sounds like a Plan to me! Probably be Saturday the 15th as DS10 will have football still. Maybe I'll invite him to the house for dinner after that. Good idea. Will be more loving and personal than just handing it on the fly. I'll start working on that.

So through this whole thing we have had no LS agreement. I have been trusting him to provide as he said he would. We did get behind in our house payment and are in process of modification as we speak. , but it was due to his demotion caused by lack of sales. He just told me he got his position back and things are starting to get better.

So I'm thinking how I can meet an Admiration need, so I send him this email yesterday morning. It said basically thanks for the great job on my brakes and also I just wanted to thank you for providing financially for the kids and I and for keeping your word. I have tremendous respect for you that you have done this because when an OW gets in the picture i know it can be hard, but I just want you to know how I appreciate you for taking care of us.

SO GUESS WHAT GUYS?? Last night he says to me hey I had to borrow $12 bucks from our joint account because I put the whole check in. HOLY COW, I met that emotional need and he put the WHOLE check in!
So I say well thanks but are you able to care for your self and eat, and he says yeah I think so I may need to borrow a few buck during the week.

Anyways I can surely see the power of meeting an emotional need, It'll make someone do almost anything!

Try and have that last dinner be romantic, if that floats his boat... Since DS is important to him, can you cook his favorite food? (But I think you've been doing that already... not sure how you can improve on what you're already doing...)

I've heard that cinnamon does something to guys, like an aphrodisiac. Does he like pumpkin pie or apple pie?

I wanted to expand upons Jayne's excellent advice.

Sometime before the plan B letter, you should have a gentle discussion with WH that goes something like this:

WH, I've been daydreaming about our future. I've visualized us still married, happily reconciled and recovering as a family from this crisis. I was wondering, do you ever have thoughts like I do? Thoughts of turning our marriage around and not getting a divorce?

The WH who is not a complete [censored] and has something resembling a conscious (like your WH) can feel UNworthy of his wife after adultery. WH might view himself as someone that a woman of your caliber would not want back after the mistakes he's made.

Just before plan B - plan one more seed - the possibility of a happy family and forgiveness.

Whatever his response to you is not the point. The point is NOT to get a particular response from him .... but to plant another seed.

I've heard watermelon does the same thing. It's something in the rind, so you have to eat the melon closest to the rind.

It's the part of the carrot that many BS forget about ...

Then you just say "Wow, that's a disappointment. You want some dessert?" and go on. And to yourself you think "You have, but you're not willing to admit it, and now I've planted the seed and it's gonna FESTER IN YER BRAIN!!

Pep, that was great advice about how some waywards feel so guilty and unworthy that they dismiss the possibility of reconciliation out of hand. I'm glad you're still here with your good insights.

Got it! Sow seeds in to brain! LOL.

Well H can't make it on Wednesday but is going to come on Thursday so that's good. I invited him to dinner with just me at the house for some steak and a bottle of wine, he said it sounds like fun but I can't. Says he may see us for a little on Saturday during DS10 football game.

I am hoping he'll come to visit on Sunday but I haven't invited him yet, I guess I should get on that. I want him to spend as much time as he can away from OW while I'm in Plan A.

That's the news in my neighborhood.

Add .... "Well sweetheart" .... a flirty pause .... "a girl can dream can't she?"

It may not have registered in his foggy head that forgiveness is even possible ....

plant seed, water and fertilize seed, add some "sunshine" ... and dessert

plan A at it's finest

no expectations

Hey guys, I am tightening up my Plan B ends. Could you all give me some tips and important information to pass on to our mutual friends who are my mediators. I explained the basics but I'm sure there are pitfalls and things they may need to know.

And still wanting everyone's input on whether I should call OW when I give him his PBL. I think the book had them do it if I remember correctly.

I would concentrate on my Plan A.

When it comes time to do Plan B, you need to have your finances in order so you don't have to talk about that, the visitation with your kids figured out, and anything else that you think he would need to contact you for.