Your mediators are to be like spam filters. They do not react, or pass along his reactions.

If he wrote, "I can't believe you're doing this! You're so horrible and manipulative, and I can't believe I ever married you! You won't even let me have full access to the kids anymore, and Friday I have to work an hour late so my mom has to pick them up from school for me, and I'm going to miss out on that hour. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!! ICEBERGS ARE MELTING AND YOU ARE TO BLAME!!!!!!! I WAS ALMOST READY TO WORK THINGS OUT WITH YOU BUT YOU WENT AND RUINED IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And your intermediary tells you, "WH has to work an hour late on Friday, so his mom is picking up the kids."

Your intermediary tells him, "Thank you for your recent communication. I have let Trying know you'll be working late, and that your mother will pick up the children."

They are to sound completely neutral, and protect you from any and all rants, foggy outbursts, etc. No bias should be obvious in their response to him. Always calm and unresponsive to his anger.

Thanks I passed it on to them, they wanted to kinda have a better idea.

Starting to feel just a little pre Plan B nervousness. I guess it wouldn't be so hard with Thanksgiving, Christmas and 19 year anniversary coming. I know 1 day at a time. It's just that huge what if. Guess it doesn't matter really. Just a bit of nervousness, its getting closer.

B,
You're right I need all my focus on doing a great Plan A. I'm thinking of buying him a small gift to give him when he comes to visit. It's something he needs and he wants. What do you think guys? The kids won't be here for about an hour, they have sports and stuff, when he comes on Thursday so I thought of making him dinner(has high domestic need) and giving him the gift. Yea or nay?
Tonight I send him a text saying "G'night Mr. Smith " and he responds "Goodnight Trying2live Smith" I respond yup that's my name.

Anyways really gonna do what I can to make no contact at all tomorrow and then see him on Thursday.

Beautiful, just beautiful!

I think the touch of 180 will be good, too. With such limited time left, just use a tiny sprinkle every now and again, just enough to keep him off balance. An unbalanced WS is ideal.

Well, they're all unbalanced, but the more the better.

Have you read "The Five Love Languages" ?

That can be insightful too. Gift giving is one of the languages.

You are doing a fantastic job.....you are staying so strong and level-headed through all this....well done!

As you are a Christian,I thought I'd tell you about a wonderful site ....
www.rejoiceministries.org ...have a look,you'll see why.....

Yes! ESPECIALLY because it's something he needs and wants. It shows you're in tune to his needs, desires, and interests. Somewhere deep in the foggy wrinkles of his brain, another seed will be planted that says "TTL knows and understands me."

I second the recommendation of "The Five Love Languages" - it's an excellent book!

I love that Website, Thank you for sharing...I'm going to pass it on to friends.

Hi Trying2live,

You seem pretty tech savy and use text messaging a lot. I see this as the most likely way your husband will try to test/break/draw you out of your plan B. I would strongly suggest deleting them without reading. He'll try hard to break your plan B resolve, and he'll know which buttons to push with some eye catching subject line.

On days that you do get a SMS from him send him a generic email response citing the conditions of your plan B letter, and remind him that all communication is to go through xxx. After a few attempts with the same response, he'll know that he can't get through to you that way.

I would also make similar plans in advance for the other ways you foresee him trying to contact you. Everyone asks their spouse to respect their request not to contact them until the plan B conditions are met but none do. Also, your plan A has been so strong that plan B is going to rock his world. He is going to try HARD to break your plan B. Be strong. Stick to your guns (boundaries).

Good luck,

YS

YS, Ok thank you so much! I hope it ROCKS him! I am getting more nervous as it gets closer as it can go anyway, but the support I get from this thread, I feel like either way I'm going to make. This thread is my life line next to God of course and when I check the thread I always feel encouraged and strengthened!

I'm going to stick to my guns :twobyfour: , and expect that he may try the cell phone thing. I will have a preset answer ready. When I cut him off in the beginning Pre-SAA he never contacted me text page or cell so I am hoping it just returns to that. The only way he used to torture me was via email and i think I may tell him that the email will be shut off that day so he will have to go the the mediator, which is his friend.

He'll be here tomorrow for dinner with me and then a visit with the kids when they get back from sports. I'm going to have gift for him that he's kinda wanted and a nice dinner since he's made several complaints about eating out.

Hey everyone, I think I forgot to mention this to you all. My son tells me a conversation him and his dad had on the way to the store. Remember we all have had 2 rounds of at least a month or more of cutting dad off because he was an angry crazy lost all common sense person. In addition my DD10 has had to start therapy due to all the anxiety issues caused by all this.

DD10 says "mom, dad asked me if the visits are helping me and I said yes they are dad." H says "they are helping me too son. I just don't know what I'm going to do."

So what ya'll think about that?

I may tell him that the email will be shut off that day so he will have to go the the mediator, which is his friend.
I don't know about you, but shutting off my email would be a huge inconvenience to me. Most email clients allow you to create rules for automatically deleting, or filing, or forwarding, or responding to messages that meet certain criteria. I suggest you set up a rule that either silently deletes his emails or auto-replies with a very short, to-the-point message, like "When you are ready to cease contact with OW and commit to working on our marriage, please let me know via <mediator>."

If he's really sneaky and devious, like moi, he'll also try to contact you from some new hotmail or yahoo mail account. Just ignore those.

H says "they are helping me too son. I just don't know what I'm going to do."
So what ya'll think about that?
Nothing. :twobyfour:

Who knows what it means?
I bet even WH doesn't.
If he wants to come home, that might make a convenient "reason".
If he wants to dive deeper into affair-land, he'll tell himself "I can have generous visitation and the kids will be fine."

Plan A, and focus on YOU.
Because, after all, it is all about you, dahling!

IMHO that is the best thing about Plans A and B. Even when they aren't successful, they are.

You're gonna be ok either way, no matter what he does. You really are. And if he's smart he'll be right there with you.

Yes i like that about the Plans either way they work.

Well I tried to go for no contact texts or emails, but he texted me that he needed to pull some cashola out of the bank because he overdrew his account.

I just said oh that stinks thanks so much for filling me in. Was just thinking about you, come hungry tomorrow during the visit I'll make dinner.

Otherwise quiet day. Feeling good for what it is. Plan A'ing tomorrow during the visit. Will be getting him a gift in the morning. Won't see him Friday, tried to set up plans but he says he can't. Will see him on Saturday briefly for son's game. I think Sunday he will see us on Sunday for lunch after church and to hang out for the day. Then we'll see him on Thursday for pumpkin carving and Friday for trick or treating. I asked him if he wanted to take off Nov 1st so he can go to the game with us and hang out for the day and then Sunday he'll take DS10 to football weigh-ins. So lots of opportunities for Plan A'ing next week hopefully.
Alright it's late and I'm pooped.....

I swear, you're seeing more of your estranged WH than some couples see of each other. You're doing a killer Plan A and fortunately he's responding in a big way.

I would suggest sending no response at all.

Setting up a rule like that will alert the WS that the e-mail address is still working and someone is still monitoring it.

A good Plan B needs to be DARK. NO response.

I would love to know what the OW thinks of him spending so much time at home....

You're not in Plan B yet, right? So why are you trying to go no contact now? As long as you're still in Plan A, contact is fine. In fact, the more contact you have with him now in Plan A, the more impact Plan B will have when there is suddenly NO CONTACT whatsoever, nada, dark, dark, dark. See?

Even better.
You made a real good point about the auto-response letting him know the address is still working. Of course, if he sends to it and gets no non-delivery message, he'll know anyway. But totally silent is the best.

Make a rule that deletes his messages.
That way you don't even have to see them and agonize over them.

For when you go to Plan B, of course.
Not for now!

NO response for Plan B, got it. It thought about telling him my email will be shut off but not really shutting it off. Then he won't bother. Text pages I just wont respond.

I was not going to contact him just to switch it up a little, okay so the more contact the better, that's fine with me. The time he's here is enjoyable, oddly so.

{{singing}}Plan B, Plan B why do I have to implement thee, why can't thy dear Husband pull his head out and see....LOL....Oh sorry I was in a singing mood this morning.

I was trying to catch up when I got to the part where he hugged you and told you that he didn't know how YOU could get past this.

Please print my story out for him for the next time he uses that OBVIOUS LINE again.

People have forgive much worse and come out far better humans afterward.

All my love,
Kimmy

You've gotten my curiosity now I'm going to read it!