I asked her tonight, "Was there anything that came to mind that I have done, that you appreciated, that you did not mention to me?"

She replied, "I appreciated you took out the trash and Recycle Bin."

I said. "Thanks". I also said "Thanks" when my wife mentioned she had fixed dinner, after some 6 hours and $100, of effort on organizing my stuff on Monday, at her request.

She noticed that I had organized my stuff out of the Rec room in the basement, this morning, and gave me appreciation, on her own volition, for having moved my stuff out of the Rec Room. I have agreeement to use the Utility room in the basement for my stuff, but had a temporary agreement on using some of the Rec room.

It is possible that my asking for the perspective of Appreciation or Admiration, is leading my wife to tune more visit that perspective, on her own volition.

I remember a phrase from Eggerich, "Back then, I never even KNEW how to ASK for Respect from my wife." Which implies that men may have to ask for Admiration, because Women are not naturally born, or gifted, with an understanding of a Man's need for Admiration. So I am taking more responsibility for letting my wife know about my needs for Admiration.



..

You.
Yes, You.
Couldn't be!

Then who?

Good job trying to deflect answering our questions. Frankly, given your personality, I wouldn't take anything you think as valid advice.

Still no answers, huh?

Would you like us to go back and compile all the questions we have asked you into one post so that you can answer them more easily?

O....M....G Surely you cannot be serious??? I have never, ever known someone who can psychobabble better than you, Sen_H. I've got news for you. Someone who acts admirably, or in a way that garners respect, generally does not need to ask beg for admiration or respect constantly the way you do. You still won't even consider the possibility that your actions are not meeting her needs? Unreal.

My husband is very handy and clever. A pack rat perhaps, and one who doesn't always listen to me, but incredibly handy and clever. Even if I feel LB'ed by other stuff, I do not hesitate to remind him how much I admire his skills.

Here's another piece of Sen_H psychobabble:


Yeah, we ladies just PRAY for our hubbys to scroew up so it can make us look better in our kids' eyes. Maybe that's how YOU operate, Sen_H, but not everyone wishes to see our life partner screw up so we can look better.


Welcome to our world, Sen_H. People have been offering suggestions to you for YEARS and you have paid them little heed. And more and more of us are hesitant to offer any more suggestions because you seem to get some sick feeling of superiority every time your wife fails to show you 'Admiration.'

.....

*smacks self*
...killing me.

That's nice.

No.

.....


Taking it the trash is worthy of Admiration? Since when?
Moving your clutter/ crap out of the way is somehow worthy of 'Admiration'?
Fogging a Mirror is not an act worthy of Admiration...nor is taking out the garbage....never has been as far as I'm aware...of COURSE...there is the remotest possibility that I could be wrong...

Would SOMEBODY please clarify the question for me, as I am obviously handicapped by my gender ...

I look for advice in comments and questions from any and all people who post. If the advice seems useful, I try to apply the concpets, regardless of any over-all misgivings.

I try to lead people to good advice with questions. I appreciate questions that lead me to discovering answers, or possible solutions, for myself, guided by the questions.

If I see that a question has led me to a potential solution, I try to give credit for the question and the suggestion. Some questions I am still trying to figure out the blossoming solution under the mechanics of the question.

So you have less than average maternal susceptibility to desiring approval and admiration from your teenage daughter?




..

What part of "Are you from North America, there may be a cultural communication difference" are you still trying to figure out?


O. M. G.


That's it. This must be a long-term troll just playing us. Ain't no way this guy is for real (unless, maybe, he groks kowtowing).

I've suspected this for some time. However, I am still willing to give the benefit of the doubt. The fact that after repeated requests he still won't say where he's from makes me suspicious.

Senator, have you spent any time lately trying to fill your wife's ENs without worrying so much about yours? If my husband contantly harped on having a particular need filled by me that would empty my lovebank quickly.

Perhaps your wife is a stand-offish sort. Surely you must have know that when you married her. Maybe a bit of trying to see things from her perspective might help. I see an awful lot in your posts about "what I want", "what I need", "what I know". What does she want, need and know?

Attempting to do the "thinking" for complete strangers?
You decide what questions are pertinent? Purely based on deflecting any personal accountability and deflecting from the source?

Ranks up there with the lack of Logic in this: My wife gets violent when we argue. "I just don't get it." She must have 'problems.'

However, He forgets to mention that he was drunk, chasing her around the room, screaming in her face and hit her previously.
Pluralitas non est ponenda sine neccesitate

Projection.
Could be...either that, or paranoid that his wife may come across this sight and read what he has written about her.

Between the Dance of Deflection and Lack of Insight....feel sorry for his wife.

Occam's Razor SenatorH...

I would suggest that the use of the word TROLL is an unkind remark. The term has over-reaching implications, and I have seen less-than-constructive cascades of posts coming from the word.

For myself, the conept that I am not seeking a solution is innacurate, but there are traits for me, that are similar to being a Troll.

I am slow to grasp new concepts, and slower to impliment positive changes. I need to nitpick the details, of solutions, because I need to have lines of words written and rehearsed, to be able to confront or handle a challenging situation. I am not a gifted improvisational conversationalist.

But I am personally looking for changes I can make, and seeking solutions for a better marriage, for both my wife and myself.




..

What is your opinion about our consensus that it is YOUR actions that prevent her from showing admiration?

There is some truth to the idea that a husband can make it more difficult for a wife to give Admiration, in that a man is easier to compliment, the more perfect he becomes, or the less imperfections that are noticable.

I can make incremental changes, but large changes would be difficult.

There are some marriage improvement boards that make the point that Men need Admiration in a different way than many wives understand, as needed by husbands. So I am not surprised that many wives think I am nuts for wanting the type of Admiration I desire. Many husbands have met with ridicule from their wives, when they disclose the types of Admiration they would appreciate. So Many husbands have just given up asking for the type of Admiration they truly desire. So, many wives are in the dark.

Incidentally, Suzette Elgin is mentioned by other posters, on earlier dates, on Marriage Builders. So you don't have to rely upon me for the Recommendation for Suzette Elgin's books

Do you feel you have superior skills for balancing and handling the maternal desires for admiration from your teenage daughter? Any references?


..

I feel that until you accept that your feeling of mental superiority to your wife affects the amount of admiration she gives you, you will never get what you want.

I tell my husband how amazing he is all the time. I admire him with every scrap of myself. BUT he has never told me I wasn't good enough or made the kind of condescending remarks about me that I see you write about your wife.

He is modest and lovely and tries hard to appreciate every efforts I make to love him, whether thats making his lunch, or holding his hand while we walk. He accepts what I give to him without critiscising me.

You said earlier if your wife gives you a compliment you'll ask for a hug as well, how about rewarding her for everything she does that makes you feel good, no matter how small or imperfect the gesture is in your eyes?

Sen_H, is English your first language? Do you work as an engineer, or in any technicial area? Do you work in the legal area?

Senator,

I think people are treating you HORRIBLY on this board. Just horribly. It pains me, frankly.

I accept your need for admiration, and the way you want it from your wife. I also see that you are trying very hard with your wife, to do what she wants... In order to do that, you have to try to understand her, of course--and here that comes across sometimes as condescending.

Have you ever read the book "The five love languages" or had your wife read it? Has she ever read anything here about emotional needs?

It seems to me (perhaps obviously so) that your love language is Admiration... and what you do for your wife is Acts of service (or here what might be called Domestic support or something like that)... In fact, it seems like that is the PRIMARY way you show your wife love (the alarm clock, fixing things, cleaning things, organizing things, etc).

What if your wife needs you to express love in a different way? I know that you are saying you listen to her and give her what she wants, but when you also say she "goes on and on" about her needs... what if what she wants is quality conversations with you...

It just seems to me that however hard you are working (and i believe you are working very hard) somehow you are missing the mark just as much as she is missing it for you.

I sometimes talk about things I want to do around the house. My husband will jump in and do it (because he loves me), and I appreciate it... HOWEVER, I wasn't necessarily asking him to do it--and while I DO appreciate it, I would appreciate even MORE just talking to him (him listening to me and asking me good questions) and him being affectionate with me.

The point is, I believe WHOLEHEARTEDLY that you are working very diligently to please your wife. I think you give an enormous amount of energy trying to make her happy. In return, you want to feel she respects you... admires you... thinks highly of you. She can do that by the way she talks to you and the things she says.

She isn't doing that very much on her own, even after all this time of knowing what you want... Sometimes she does offer you soem expression of appreciation when you ask for it.

Somewhere along the way, you guys have to communicate more...or better... about what you want from each other.

Have you thought about counseling with Dr. Harley?

Telly, I'm sorry if I have offended you. But Senator is part of the problem. And no matter what else he does for his wife - and I have never said he doesn't treat her admirably - he is missing the one thing that is the key to getting what he needs.

Yet no matter how we couch it, rephrase it, re-ask it, he has steadfastly refused to acknowledge the one thing that just about everyone - including you - thinks would help him: to let down his shield and ask himself honestly how he could do things differently.

Obviously what he's doing isn't working. He IS doing a lot, and that IS admirable. But it's not the right thing, that one thing that would make her feel close enough to willingly give him the admiration he seeks.

As long as he won't or can't reflect on his responsibility for the situation, he'll not have his needs met.

Ok, so this has drifted a bit from Senator's need for admiration from his wife. Senator, can you give some specific examples of how you would like admiration shown. I mean, what does admiration look like to you?

I agree that men and women see admiration differently, so maybe if you can work through the words here, you can relay these to your wife in a way that may make her interested in offering what you need.

What I'm asking, is it words you are after or actions? For example, words might be...You take the garbage cans to the corner every week for the trash pickup. Your wife says "I really appreciate how you always remember to put the garbabe cans out."

The actions one might be the same situation, you go put the trash cans out, and your wife brings you a cold drink, and gives you a kiss.

What would you like to have happen?

Reading in this thread got me thinking. If I make a list of all the people I know who appear to need admiration, and then make a list of all the people I admire, there is no overlap between the two groups whatsoever. I suspect I'm not the only person for whom this is true. I can intuit why people who need admiration are not the ones who elicit it, but can't think how to articulate the reason(s).

How about the idea that some people are harder to love than others? I have an easy time showing friendship and caring to people who I perceive as nice and kind. I am willing to overlook their flaws (as I see them) because the overall person seems nice.

The people I see as mean, and hard-hearted I have a harder time showing caring or admiration to. I might do it because I "have to", or because it's required socially, but I won't really mean it deep down.

My take on this is that to get you've gotta give. If you want admiration, you must show admiration to others. If you want caring and extra attention, then you need to show this as well.