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I almost didn't ask that obvious question. You're right, you wouldn't still be here if you didn't want to save it. What is your H doing or saying that provides hope to you?

I keep telling myself to take it one day @ a time and some days I do very well with that. Other days, ...not so much!

How long have you been together (not just married)?


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Originally Posted by Vows4Good
I'm not so sure he doesn't love you so much as he THINKS he doesn't. With time, your old husband should return. A MC should help him see that.

Just when I think my hope is fading fast, someone says something like that....and I feel 100 times better. Thanks V4G!

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Well, Thursday was the day that I made the MC appointment. If you recall, my H said he would consider going with me (because I said I needed this). When we said good-bye after our long awaited talk, he said, "Call and let me know when the appt is." So, naturally, I got my hopes up that he'd be there. I called and left my H a vmail on Tuesday to tell him when and where the appointment was. He didn't call back so I assumed he'd probably be there. He wasn't. When I think about the vmail I Ieft my H, I said, "the appt. is Thursday at 12 noon, but if you can't make it, there is always next week." Maybe I gave him an "out"? I didn't mean to though.

I know he probably only considered going b/c he feels guilty about what he did and that he abandoned me. But it was something...however small....it was something. He didn't call afterward and he hasn't stopped by the house. Not sure what to do. I made my next appointment for Friday, 10/24. I'm considering calling to tell him (and not providing an "out" this time).

Any advice? I'm really trying to do everything I can to save us, but I still don't know how he fell out of love with me.

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BUT, I can't understand how he couldn't love me anymore. 15 years is a long time (granted we weren't together in college, we remained good friends) and I can't see how that love could fade away over the course of several months.


Hi CAZ,

What is it about the 15 year thing? I started noticing a lot of "15 year" people after I started posting. It seems like that is ONE of the times this sort of thing becomes more common. Forget the 7-Year-Itch!

There's a 20-year mark that seems common, too. Like at 22 years or 25.

Or maybe I'm just nuts. :crosseyedcrazy: Yeah, that's it! But what the heck? It's fun! wink

I get where you're coming from on the love thing. I figured that was it for us when I found out. What could I do? Who was I to stand in the way of "true love?"

I felt guilty even using our joint checking account, as if I didn't have a right to it anymore. Isn't that stupid? And that was when I was using it to buy FOOD for Pete's sake!!

Thank God for MB, that's all I know. Things got a lot better when everyone here jumped in to help a fool like me. LOL!!

Hang in there!

Charlotte

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Hi Charlotte -

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What is it about the 15 year thing? I started noticing a lot of "15 year" people after I started posting. It seems like that is ONE of the times this sort of thing becomes more common. Forget the 7-Year-Itch!

I know,...maybe people just stop trying because it has worked so well for so long. In my case, we both recently turned 30 (I'll be 32 this December and he'll be 31 next Spring). I think that maybe REAL life hit him and he realized he doesn't have a FT job, doesn't have a house yet, in debt and pretty much living off his wife and living in his mom's basement until our house is finished. Now, he can't act like a teenager or 20 something.....he is a full fledged adult who can't fall back on his youth. Maybe everything hit him so hard and he just couldn't deal with it. That, coupled with me being depressed that our house isn't done yet, thinking about leaving my job, etc.

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I get where you're coming from on the love thing. I figured that was it for us when I found out. What could I do? Who was I to stand in the way of "true love?"

I felt guilty even using our joint checking account, as if I didn't have a right to it anymore. Isn't that stupid? And that was when I was using it to buy FOOD for Pete's sake!!

I feel the same way. Even when I go to the house we're building, I feel almost like an intruder. It really pisses me off that I feel that way, especially seeing as how I was the one paying for most things, working on it every weekend, etc.

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Thank God for MB, that's all I know. Things got a lot better when everyone here jumped in to help a fool like me. LOL!!

I sure hope I continue to get help here. So far it has been certainly reassuring. I need to hear that other couples have worked thru this, to hear that other couples found happiness again after something so terrible.

CAZ

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It has been almost 1 week since my WH was supposed to meet me at the MC. He never showed, never called. This REALLY bummed me out. I had to leave work early the next day because I honestly couldn't focus on anything else. I made another appt. and left my WH a vmail to let him know the time and place (this Friday).

I drove to our property (w/ the unfinished house) earlier this week and noticed MORE empty beer bottles. I found about about 12 or 13 empties a couple weeks ago and asked him about it. He said he was drinking up there and left them, then apologized twice and said he'd pick them up. He never did. So, when I was there earlier this week and found 6 more, I was pissed! They're strewn all over the front lawn. Why is he doing that? I find it disrespectful and it hurts. We've been pouring our blood, sweat & tears into that property for the last 4 years and he goes up there to drink and leave empty beer bottles all over the place. He knows I go up there every week to check on it!!! GRRRR!

I don't know what my next step should be. I'm at a loss ... I really want this to work and I'm not going to give up on our marriage. So, if anyone can offer any advice, I'm willing to listen.

Thx,

CAZ

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You asked...

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Why is he doing that?

His behavior is symbolic.
He carelessly throws trash around and does not pick up his own messes.

This behavior is symbolic of who he is.

If you expect something else from such a person, your expectations are askew and need rethinking.

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Originally Posted by CAZ3
I don't know what my next step should be. I'm at a loss ... I really want this to work and I'm not going to give up on our marriage. So, if anyone can offer any advice, I'm willing to listen.

Thx,

CAZ

Look, your husband is a drunk.
You cannot undo this fact by any MARRIAGE BUILDERS plan.
Your options are those of any person married to a drunk.


Acceptance
Unacceptance


Which do you choose?

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Look, your husband is a drunk.
You cannot undo this fact by any MARRIAGE BUILDERS plan.
Your options are those of any person married to a drunk.

Acceptance
Unacceptance


Which do you choose?

I'm choosing to fight for a relationship that has worked and was very happy for many years. I'm not going to just give up on us just because its difficult and he's being selfish. Yes, he has a problem with alcohol and yes, it is difficult to accept his behavior. I've accepted that he has a problem with alcohol,...I'm just not accepting to leave when it gets rough...even if he did abandon me. He's also a human being, a friend.

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Thanks for your response.

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In case you don't know, my H is an alcoholic, sober 12 1/2 years.

There are ways a person can choose to live with a non sober alcoholic spouse.
Have you been in an AlAnon group?
link

Counting the beer bottles (and being angry) is a sure way to tell your own life is out of control.


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Originally Posted by CAZ3
[quote]

I'm choosing to fight for a relationship that has worked and was very happy for many years. I'm not going to just give up on us just because its difficult and he's being selfish. Yes, he has a problem with alcohol and yes, it is difficult to accept his behavior. I've accepted that he has a problem with alcohol,...I'm just not accepting to leave when it gets rough...even if he did abandon me. He's also a human being, a friend.

Did I say "give up"? I did not.
If you accept that WH is currently a drunk who has abandoned you, just exactly what do you see are your options for a plan at this point?

Asking "WHY is he doing this?" .... is not a plan. The reason "why" is that he is a drunk.

Now what? You are perfectly aware of the "why". You cannot change the "why".

What I see is you wanting and hoping that you can so SOMETHING that will inspire your man to change his ways.

He is sick. Right now, he loves his sickness more than he loves you or loves himself. Until he hits his bottom he will not make positive changes.

Some are what is called "low bottom drunks" .... they have to lose EVERYTHING before they decide to seek help. Some are "high bottom drunks" .... they turn themselves around before losing everything.

To love and care about a "low bottom drunk" is just heartbreaking. The efforts to keep looking for ways to "help" the drunk often keeps the drunk from reaching bottom.

The hardest thing is to let them suffer their consequences. To not rescue them when they are in pain.

But, this is what helps the low bottom drunk in the long term.

I am truely sorry for your situation.

One of the skills of Al Anon is LOVING DETACHMENT.

Take a look at THIS LINK

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Originally Posted by CAZ3
I'm choosing to fight for a relationship that has worked and was very happy for many years. I'm not going to just give up on us just because its difficult and he's being selfish. Yes, he has a problem with alcohol and yes, it is difficult to accept his behavior. I've accepted that he has a problem with alcohol,...I'm just not accepting to leave when it gets rough...even if he did abandon me. He's also a human being, a friend.

CAZ3, what Pep is telling you is that the only thing you can do is accept him how he is and make plans accordingly. You cannot change him. Hope is not a plan. Marriage counseling is going to avail you nothing wih a practicing alcoholic.

You might not accept that he has left the marriage, but your acceptance does not change reality: he HAS left the marriaqe. The only way to recover the marriage is for him to get help for his drinking. Until he stops drinking and gets into a program of recovery, he is not emotionally healthy enough to be in a marriage.

I am sorry you find yourself in this terrible place, but there is not much you can do for him. You CAN help yourself, as Pep suggested, by accepting the truth and by going to Alanon.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes, he has a problem with alcohol and yes, it is difficult to accept his behavior.

He does not have a problem with alcohol. He is an alcoholic. It's hard for you to even type those words, isn't it?

I understand. I really do. My husband also had a "problem with alcohol" .... until we both admitted the truth. He was a drunk and an alcoholic. He's no longer a drunk because he's sober ... but he will forever be an alcoholic.

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This link is to an alcohol screening tool.
link

To anyone reading this thread who thinks that they themselves or their loved one may be an alcoholic .... try answering the questions.

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
In case you don't know, my H is an alcoholic, sober 12 1/2 years.

There are ways a person can choose to live with a non sober alcoholic spouse.
Have you been in an AlAnon group?
link

Counting the beer bottles (and being angry) is a sure way to tell your own life is out of control.

Thanks for that info, ....I didn't know that you H is an alcholic.

Yes, I've been to AlAnon. I've also been reading up on Alcoholism. Outside the AlAlnon meetings, I've talked (at length) with other folks who have been married to or in some sort of relationship with someone who has a drinking problem.

I don't sit around all day stewing about the bottles laying around. I was just upset that he left them there again and wondering if this was a cry for help, just being a child, etc.

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He does not have a problem with alcohol. He is an alcoholic. It's hard for you to even type those words, isn't it?

It's not hard... my H is an alcoholic, he's got a drinking problem, he's a liar, he's a quiter, etc. What is hard for me is that my H was so depressed with his life that he chose to abandon me out of the f'ken blue! That is what is hard. Fortunately, I'm strong enough to pick my life up and move on. I'm on this site to get support & encouragement, which I have. But I'm not looking for someone to presume they know me and my specific situation. They only know what and as much as I tell them. And, from what you know, I appreciate your responses.



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Originally Posted by CAZ3
[quote] What is hard for me is that my H was so depressed with his life that he chose to abandon me out of the f'ken blue!

it's not your fault

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CAZ3, what Pep is telling you is that the only thing you can do is accept him how he is and make plans accordingly. You cannot change him. Hope is not a plan. Marriage counseling is going to avail you nothing wih a practicing alcoholic.

Thanks, MelodyLane. I know and I've accepted it....it just sucks (for lack of a better word). I know the only person who can change him is him. I don't have a plan, I take it day by day.

You made a good point about MC. It may not be fruitful, but who knows if it may do something, spark something within him to help himself? More importantly, I want to find out how our relationship got to this point and my thought was that a MC might make it easier to get some of this info out in the open. I need this for me ... if my H doesn't love me, I want to hear him tell me he doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce. He left me a note telling me he doesn't love me, but that's it. That and the fact that he left the house. I'm aware that if he does attend, he may not tell the truth...but he may.




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it's not your fault

I know it's not my fault, but sometimes I forget that.

Thank you.

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