Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 27
P
peppy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 27
My husband has been in an on and off again affair for about two years. When I found out about the affair my husband had already moved out. I started to Plan A him (not knowing what Plan A was) and it seemed to make a difference, according to him. He said he didn't want a divorce needed time etc. We were affectionate and seemed to get along good. (I thought affair was over and he just needed time to think).

Anyway, after a year he moved back home. Said he was excited about being home. After about three months he said he made a mistake and moved out. I know he contacted the other woman at the end of that three month time. When he was home he wasnt his happy self and I felt like I was walking on eggshells. After he moved out the second time he was very cold towards me. This was about a year ago. He has since been very stand offish and somewhat cold. We still discuss kids, financial issues and such but do not talk about us. I can just tell he is stand offish. During his absences I surrounded myself with friends and family. I am doing really well given the circumstances.

Well, the other day we did talk about us and my husband seemed to open up to me for the first time in about a year. I asked if he was ever going to come home and he replied I think about coming home a lot. (9 months ago he told me he wanted a divorce) I asked him why he hasn't gotten a divorce and he replied there are reasons I havent gotten one after all this time. He denied still being involved with other woman.

I told him I knew someone who was in an affair and tried to stop it many times that she wished she could just end it and get her life back. She knew she didn't want to be in it yet could not ever end it completely. I said if that is what you are doing then you need to tell me, you need to end iot with my help and we can work on trying to repair our marriage but it is impossible with her in the picture if she still is. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "yea right, like I can come to you and say that". I said together we can beat this.

Since then, I have been confused. I am confused that he is acting stand offish yet tells me he has been thinking about coming home a lot. I asked him about it and he said he HAS to be right this time if he comes home. He can't come home and leave again. He knows that would hurt me and the kids all over again. He said he knows if he returns that he is vowing to be faithful again to me. He doesn't want to make any mistakes.

I know that this affair has been going on for a long time. He left her once to come back home, so Im not sure that it is everything it was during the most exciting time.

I guess Im not sure about how to handle the situation. Still be pleasant, fun, happy and confident. Do not ask about his feelings or where he's at emotionally. Or try to Plan B.

I did speak to a Marriage Builder counselor who said that at around two years reality sets in on the affair and it will likely burn itself out. Husband does not seem happy right now. I never see him smile and he has lost a lot of weight. She said when someone is happy its hard to hide it.

I dont know if the timing for Plan B is right if he really isn't with the other woman and is trying to sort himself out (withdrawal from her). Any advice?


Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Welcome. It sounds like you have done an excellent job of Plan A over a long period of time. That is good, but you may lose your love for your husband if you keep it up.

I would go to Plan B and make a good life, and let HIM prove to you that he has no contact and wants a recovered marriage.

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 27
P
peppy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 27
Thanks for your reply believer. Do you or any others know why a wayward spouse would be cold but says he thinks about coming home, which is a stark turn around from 6-9 months ago. I would think if he meant it he would start coming around more and being more affectionate and open. Am I wrong?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Peppy, the reason he doesn't give up his affair is because he doesn't have to. He has 2 women meeting his needs and that is a great set up for him. Unfortunately, it is likely ruining your mental and physical health. [and enabling the affair]

See, the OW probably meets 1-2 top needs and you meet 3-4 minor needs. So he has the best of both worlds having you both in harem ready and eager to meet his needs.

NOW, if you went into Plan B and removed yourself from this triangle, he would quickly discover that the OW cant meet all of his needs. After all, this is a relationship that is based on selfishness, deceit and thoughtlessness, so she won't be willing to do what you do.

If you go dark in Plan B, his expectations of HER will RISE and when she fails to meet the new standard, the affair will start crumbling.

I suspect the affair has been crumbling for some time, but your continued support has inadvertantly propped it up.

Plan B is primarily to protect your mental health. To remove you from the abuse and help you get a clear head that can make clear decisions. But it can have an auxilary effect of yanking a WS off the fence.

Have you exposed the affair? Does the OW's family know she is shacking up with a married man who abandoned his family?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by peppy
My husband has been in an on and off again affair for about two years.

Peppy, you are way overdue in taking back control of your life. This has gone on far too long. frown


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,873
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,873
Peppy,

Quote
I would go to Plan B and make a good life, and let HIM prove to you that he has no contact and wants a recovered marriage.

I agree with Believer... your continued contact has two negatives: WS is 'cake-eating'...meaning, as it is, you are making yourself 'available' to him and actually 'enabling' the A to continue... but even more damaging, with time, your Lovebank will be empty...and if ever WS decides to come home...you may no longer be willing to take the risk of M recovery with WS....

So, I agree....Plan B will allow your WS to see life without you in it....and it will help him to make up his mind... one way or the other..

The question is...PLAN B is literally you being in N/C with your WS... and you have to be ready to do it, or else, not be taken seriously....

...and with Plan B, if WS decides NOT to come home.... you're on your way to figuring out LIFE without WS in it....

What do you what, Peppy?


XBW
DS16 & DS22
PLAN D: finalized!
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 226
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 226
Sounds like the OW may have dumped him or she herself may have found an OM of her own.

If he has been out, I don't think a PLAN B would be right. He is used to not having you in the picture all the time. I would start out like you just found out. NC letter to OW, get his passwords for computers, cell, etc. and Plan A. I'd give Plan A 2 - 3 months. Be perfect so he sees what he is going to lose. If he slips up and talks to OW once, Plan B!

My .02


Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable and remove yourself from the unacceptable.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Jim, she would have no reason to continue Plan A. Nor would a nc letter be appropriate, because he does not even want to come home. She can't very well demand passwords, etc, when he isn't even moving home.

She has been in Plan A now for 2 years, so there is nothing more to show him. Plan A is to demonstrate one's willingness to meet the needs of a WS; she has done that. He has been in cakeeating mode for a very long time, and contributing to his cakeeating will avail her nothing other than more shot nerves.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Peppy, do you think he would speak to Steve Harley? I think your husband is STUCK in limbo right now because he is still addicted and because he does not believe that he can be happy in a future with you. Steve Harley is very good at SELLING a WS on a happy future with his spouse. He isn't always successful, but it sounds like your H is in a place where he feels trapped in a miserable affair but doesn't see any way out. Steve could help him in that regard.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 27
P
peppy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 27
Melodylane and others, thanks for your replies. I cant remember if i said he moved home for about three months. I think he wasn't prepard for the way he was feeling and I think he was going through withdrawal from other woman. Instead, he thought those feelings meant he made a mistake. Then he contacted her again. My husband has said since the beginning of this affair, that he didn't want a divorce. Only the time right after he moved out that he said he wanted a divorce. (He was mad, and had tears in his eyes.) Then we were having some financial issues in March and I said we can't afford all these expenses (I was quite upset) He said it won't be long. (Dont know what that means but I took it as though he was thinking about coming home) When my husband moved home for that time he did talk to Steve Harley once. The OW lives alone and my husband has his own place to rent. I thought that it was bcuz of the kids. As we all know the economy isnt great and it is expensive to keep up two houses. I often wondered why he didn't move in with her. She makes nearly 160,000 a year and has no children. Our money issues wouldn't be issues if he didnt rent a place. She is married but her husband lives out of state. I dont think he cares about her one bit. I have spoken to him. Nice man. Husband just started a new job and listed me as beneficiary on everything. I have access to all our accts and pay all our bills. Frankly, I dont know why he doesn't divorce me. The two of them would make a lot of money, have a great house, she has no kids, and I'm pretty sure she would divorce her husband for him if she hasn't done so already. So why stay with me? Whats in it for him to stay? He has never seen an attorney. He gives me his bonus checks to deposit etc. Only thing I can guess is that there is still some love left for me. The day he opened up to me a bit I got the feeling that he has tried to give up the affair. When I mentioned someone I know who tried to end her affair and told him how hard it was even though it's what she wanted to do, she just kept contact then the cycle would just repeat itself. He seemed to get it as though he's been there. I would like to see if he would call the Harleys again but frankly part of me just wants to leave him alone to figure things out. I am much happier when I do my own thing and let him alone.

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Originally Posted by peppy
She is married but her husband lives out of state. I dont think he cares about her one bit. I have spoken to him. Nice man.

Just to confirm - you did tell him about the A, right?


ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 27
P
peppy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 27
Yes, OW husband knows about affair. I also wanted to add that my husband has not taken my kids around OW since the affair started.

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 27
P
peppy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 27
Can anyone tell me if there is any hope for us? Should I Plan B? Has it been too long to do a plan?

Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,023
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,023
I will say that there is hope for your marriage if you want it. Maybe he would read Surviving an Affair at this point and see the light and what he needs to do to end his affair once and for all.

My husband was in an affair that was on and off for nearly 4 yrs. The OW did divorce her husband and made out quite well with child support, settlements, and alimony etc. One difference is that this OW had 3 kids.

My husband also never said he wanted a DV. He also was very good with supporting us while we lived apart. He still entrusted me with managing most of our money. I decided how much support I needed. We owned our own company and I did the payroll.

We had a couple of false recoveries and then he did finally end it with the OW after moving in with her for two months. (He didn't totally understand what real boundaries he needed and had another 8 month affair with yet another woman about 4 yrs after he ended the longer A. Most would have divorced with an additional A and that did get me very close to divorcing him.

When he knew I was serious and believed our marriage was over, he then showed me by his actions, remorse, and repentance that he really wanted to stay married to me. We have been recovered since 2003. We attended the MB weekend in March of 2003, a few months after the last A ended.

Did you ever give him a plan B letter or let him know what he would need to do to earn his way home again? I hope the ball isn't only in his court. If it is, then he probably has no insentive to change since he has both of you....cake eater/fence sitter.


Married 1976
Me:BS
Him:FWS
MB Weekend March 2003
2 S's: '77 & '80, 1 D: '82
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 27
P
peppy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 27
Just had a little pow wow with WH and OW. He denied that he ever said anything about him thinking a lot about coming home. Basically made it out like I misunderstood. I spoke with the OW about an hour after WH left for work. We found out about all the lies he's been telling both of us. I know it won't matter to her because she will just take anything she can get from him. Never underestimate a needy chick! He told her is is never coming home. Funny, he told me he thinks about coming home a lot! Even though he kept telling me he wasn't with her, I had a feeling he was lying. Well I got proof today because I was tired of all the lines.

Joined: Feb 1999
Posts: 7,298
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 1999
Posts: 7,298
Definitely sounds like time for Plan B.

Hugs.


Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 558
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 558
Originally Posted by peppy
Just had a little pow wow with WH and OW. He denied that he ever said anything about him thinking a lot about coming home. Basically made it out like I misunderstood. I spoke with the OW about an hour after WH left for work. We found out about all the lies he's been telling both of us. I know it won't matter to her because she will just take anything she can get from him. Never underestimate a needy chick! He told her is is never coming home. Funny, he told me he thinks about coming home a lot! Even though he kept telling me he wasn't with her, I had a feeling he was lying. Well I got proof today because I was tired of all the lines.


I agree will Mel....You have to Plan B him. It's the only way to attempt to get your marriage back on track.


Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
Trying to Recover
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 27
P
peppy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 27
I really dont know if Plan B will help. Not sure there is any hope for us. He's been in an affair for two years and still tells me he thinks about coming home!!!!! What is wrong with him? Is he just out to destroy whatever I have left? Is having an affair not enough that he has to keep me in the loop with his I think about coming home a lot? Why would he do this? If he is happy with her, then just be. Why does he have to bring me into his drama???

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by peppy
I really dont know if Plan B will help. Not sure there is any hope for us. He's been in an affair for two years and still tells me he thinks about coming home!!!!! What is wrong with him? Is he just out to destroy whatever I have left? Is having an affair not enough that he has to keep me in the loop with his I think about coming home a lot? Why would he do this? If he is happy with her, then just be. Why does he have to bring me into his drama???

What is wrong with him?? There is nothing wrong with HIM, he is gettting his needs met in TWO PLACES so why in the world would he give that up?? Your H has no motivation to give up his TWO WOMEN thanks to your help.

Yes, Plan B will help. It will help removing you from the drama.

Have you told the OWH that the affair is still on?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 27
P
peppy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 27
OWH doesn't care about her affair. Doesn't even live around here. Is there hope with an affair that has lated two years? He hasn't completely left. Pretty much everything he owns is still at the our house. Doesn't take kids aroud her and still has his own place when he can easily move in with her. Still after two years at least SAYS he thinks about coming home which at least leads me to believe there must be something here that makes it difficult to leave. What do I do now???

Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (SadNewYorker, 1 invisible), 355 guests, and 70 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Confused1980, Bibbyryan860, Ian T, SadNewYorker, Jay Handlooms
71,840 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5