My husband has been in an on and off again affair for about two years. When I found out about the affair my husband had already moved out. I started to Plan A him (not knowing what Plan A was) and it seemed to make a difference, according to him. He said he didn't want a divorce needed time etc. We were affectionate and seemed to get along good. (I thought affair was over and he just needed time to think).

Anyway, after a year he moved back home. Said he was excited about being home. After about three months he said he made a mistake and moved out. I know he contacted the other woman at the end of that three month time. When he was home he wasnt his happy self and I felt like I was walking on eggshells. After he moved out the second time he was very cold towards me. This was about a year ago. He has since been very stand offish and somewhat cold. We still discuss kids, financial issues and such but do not talk about us. I can just tell he is stand offish. During his absences I surrounded myself with friends and family. I am doing really well given the circumstances.

Well, the other day we did talk about us and my husband seemed to open up to me for the first time in about a year. I asked if he was ever going to come home and he replied I think about coming home a lot. (9 months ago he told me he wanted a divorce) I asked him why he hasn't gotten a divorce and he replied there are reasons I havent gotten one after all this time. He denied still being involved with other woman.

I told him I knew someone who was in an affair and tried to stop it many times that she wished she could just end it and get her life back. She knew she didn't want to be in it yet could not ever end it completely. I said if that is what you are doing then you need to tell me, you need to end iot with my help and we can work on trying to repair our marriage but it is impossible with her in the picture if she still is. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "yea right, like I can come to you and say that". I said together we can beat this.

Since then, I have been confused. I am confused that he is acting stand offish yet tells me he has been thinking about coming home a lot. I asked him about it and he said he HAS to be right this time if he comes home. He can't come home and leave again. He knows that would hurt me and the kids all over again. He said he knows if he returns that he is vowing to be faithful again to me. He doesn't want to make any mistakes.

I know that this affair has been going on for a long time. He left her once to come back home, so Im not sure that it is everything it was during the most exciting time.

I guess Im not sure about how to handle the situation. Still be pleasant, fun, happy and confident. Do not ask about his feelings or where he's at emotionally. Or try to Plan B.

I did speak to a Marriage Builder counselor who said that at around two years reality sets in on the affair and it will likely burn itself out. Husband does not seem happy right now. I never see him smile and he has lost a lot of weight. She said when someone is happy its hard to hide it.

I dont know if the timing for Plan B is right if he really isn't with the other woman and is trying to sort himself out (withdrawal from her). Any advice?

Welcome. It sounds like you have done an excellent job of Plan A over a long period of time. That is good, but you may lose your love for your husband if you keep it up.

I would go to Plan B and make a good life, and let HIM prove to you that he has no contact and wants a recovered marriage.

Thanks for your reply believer. Do you or any others know why a wayward spouse would be cold but says he thinks about coming home, which is a stark turn around from 6-9 months ago. I would think if he meant it he would start coming around more and being more affectionate and open. Am I wrong?

Peppy, the reason he doesn't give up his affair is because he doesn't have to. He has 2 women meeting his needs and that is a great set up for him. Unfortunately, it is likely ruining your mental and physical health. [and enabling the affair]

See, the OW probably meets 1-2 top needs and you meet 3-4 minor needs. So he has the best of both worlds having you both in harem ready and eager to meet his needs.

NOW, if you went into Plan B and removed yourself from this triangle, he would quickly discover that the OW cant meet all of his needs. After all, this is a relationship that is based on selfishness, deceit and thoughtlessness, so she won't be willing to do what you do.

If you go dark in Plan B, his expectations of HER will RISE and when she fails to meet the new standard, the affair will start crumbling.

I suspect the affair has been crumbling for some time, but your continued support has inadvertantly propped it up.

Plan B is primarily to protect your mental health. To remove you from the abuse and help you get a clear head that can make clear decisions. But it can have an auxilary effect of yanking a WS off the fence.

Have you exposed the affair? Does the OW's family know she is shacking up with a married man who abandoned his family?

Peppy, you are way overdue in taking back control of your life. This has gone on far too long.

Peppy,


I agree with Believer... your continued contact has two negatives: WS is 'cake-eating'...meaning, as it is, you are making yourself 'available' to him and actually 'enabling' the A to continue... but even more damaging, with time, your Lovebank will be empty...and if ever WS decides to come home...you may no longer be willing to take the risk of M recovery with WS....

So, I agree....Plan B will allow your WS to see life without you in it....and it will help him to make up his mind... one way or the other..

The question is...PLAN B is literally you being in N/C with your WS... and you have to be ready to do it, or else, not be taken seriously....

...and with Plan B, if WS decides NOT to come home.... you're on your way to figuring out LIFE without WS in it....

What do you what, Peppy?

Sounds like the OW may have dumped him or she herself may have found an OM of her own.

If he has been out, I don't think a PLAN B would be right. He is used to not having you in the picture all the time. I would start out like you just found out. NC letter to OW, get his passwords for computers, cell, etc. and Plan A. I'd give Plan A 2 - 3 months. Be perfect so he sees what he is going to lose. If he slips up and talks to OW once, Plan B!

My .02

Jim, she would have no reason to continue Plan A. Nor would a nc letter be appropriate, because he does not even want to come home. She can't very well demand passwords, etc, when he isn't even moving home.

She has been in Plan A now for 2 years, so there is nothing more to show him. Plan A is to demonstrate one's willingness to meet the needs of a WS; she has done that. He has been in cakeeating mode for a very long time, and contributing to his cakeeating will avail her nothing other than more shot nerves.

Peppy, do you think he would speak to Steve Harley? I think your husband is STUCK in limbo right now because he is still addicted and because he does not believe that he can be happy in a future with you. Steve Harley is very good at SELLING a WS on a happy future with his spouse. He isn't always successful, but it sounds like your H is in a place where he feels trapped in a miserable affair but doesn't see any way out. Steve could help him in that regard.

Melodylane and others, thanks for your replies. I cant remember if i said he moved home for about three months. I think he wasn't prepard for the way he was feeling and I think he was going through withdrawal from other woman. Instead, he thought those feelings meant he made a mistake. Then he contacted her again. My husband has said since the beginning of this affair, that he didn't want a divorce. Only the time right after he moved out that he said he wanted a divorce. (He was mad, and had tears in his eyes.) Then we were having some financial issues in March and I said we can't afford all these expenses (I was quite upset) He said it won't be long. (Dont know what that means but I took it as though he was thinking about coming home) When my husband moved home for that time he did talk to Steve Harley once. The OW lives alone and my husband has his own place to rent. I thought that it was bcuz of the kids. As we all know the economy isnt great and it is expensive to keep up two houses. I often wondered why he didn't move in with her. She makes nearly 160,000 a year and has no children. Our money issues wouldn't be issues if he didnt rent a place. She is married but her husband lives out of state. I dont think he cares about her one bit. I have spoken to him. Nice man. Husband just started a new job and listed me as beneficiary on everything. I have access to all our accts and pay all our bills. Frankly, I dont know why he doesn't divorce me. The two of them would make a lot of money, have a great house, she has no kids, and I'm pretty sure she would divorce her husband for him if she hasn't done so already. So why stay with me? Whats in it for him to stay? He has never seen an attorney. He gives me his bonus checks to deposit etc. Only thing I can guess is that there is still some love left for me. The day he opened up to me a bit I got the feeling that he has tried to give up the affair. When I mentioned someone I know who tried to end her affair and told him how hard it was even though it's what she wanted to do, she just kept contact then the cycle would just repeat itself. He seemed to get it as though he's been there. I would like to see if he would call the Harleys again but frankly part of me just wants to leave him alone to figure things out. I am much happier when I do my own thing and let him alone.

Just to confirm - you did tell him about the A, right?

Yes, OW husband knows about affair. I also wanted to add that my husband has not taken my kids around OW since the affair started.

Can anyone tell me if there is any hope for us? Should I Plan B? Has it been too long to do a plan?

I will say that there is hope for your marriage if you want it. Maybe he would read Surviving an Affair at this point and see the light and what he needs to do to end his affair once and for all.

My husband was in an affair that was on and off for nearly 4 yrs. The OW did divorce her husband and made out quite well with child support, settlements, and alimony etc. One difference is that this OW had 3 kids.

My husband also never said he wanted a DV. He also was very good with supporting us while we lived apart. He still entrusted me with managing most of our money. I decided how much support I needed. We owned our own company and I did the payroll.

We had a couple of false recoveries and then he did finally end it with the OW after moving in with her for two months. (He didn't totally understand what real boundaries he needed and had another 8 month affair with yet another woman about 4 yrs after he ended the longer A. Most would have divorced with an additional A and that did get me very close to divorcing him.

When he knew I was serious and believed our marriage was over, he then showed me by his actions, remorse, and repentance that he really wanted to stay married to me. We have been recovered since 2003. We attended the MB weekend in March of 2003, a few months after the last A ended.

Did you ever give him a plan B letter or let him know what he would need to do to earn his way home again? I hope the ball isn't only in his court. If it is, then he probably has no insentive to change since he has both of you....cake eater/fence sitter.

Just had a little pow wow with WH and OW. He denied that he ever said anything about him thinking a lot about coming home. Basically made it out like I misunderstood. I spoke with the OW about an hour after WH left for work. We found out about all the lies he's been telling both of us. I know it won't matter to her because she will just take anything she can get from him. Never underestimate a needy chick! He told her is is never coming home. Funny, he told me he thinks about coming home a lot! Even though he kept telling me he wasn't with her, I had a feeling he was lying. Well I got proof today because I was tired of all the lines.

Definitely sounds like time for Plan B.

Hugs.

I agree will Mel....You have to Plan B him. It's the only way to attempt to get your marriage back on track.

I really dont know if Plan B will help. Not sure there is any hope for us. He's been in an affair for two years and still tells me he thinks about coming home!!!!! What is wrong with him? Is he just out to destroy whatever I have left? Is having an affair not enough that he has to keep me in the loop with his I think about coming home a lot? Why would he do this? If he is happy with her, then just be. Why does he have to bring me into his drama???

What is wrong with him?? There is nothing wrong with HIM, he is gettting his needs met in TWO PLACES so why in the world would he give that up?? Your H has no motivation to give up his TWO WOMEN thanks to your help.

Yes, Plan B will help. It will help removing you from the drama.

Have you told the OWH that the affair is still on?

OWH doesn't care about her affair. Doesn't even live around here. Is there hope with an affair that has lated two years? He hasn't completely left. Pretty much everything he owns is still at the our house. Doesn't take kids aroud her and still has his own place when he can easily move in with her. Still after two years at least SAYS he thinks about coming home which at least leads me to believe there must be something here that makes it difficult to leave. What do I do now???

Yes, I have advice.

Don't be a consolation prize.

D his sorry [censored] and don't look back. For any reason.

Two choices:

1. Stay on this rollercoaster until HE "decides".

2. Go to Plan B and get off this rollercoaster. You "decide" what you want to do with your marriage and your life.

Plan B will rock his world. No more cake-eating for WH. OW will be FORCED to meet all of his needs. But the best part, you won't have to deal with his namby-pamby games. You can begin to heal, to think clearly, to "decide" what is best for you. Plan B isn't forever.

If he's been at this for 2-years, the "general" rule of thumb is that's when the affair begins to lose its luster. You going to Plan B will just make it happen faster, if it does.

Did you read our posts? :MrEEk: Peppy, go into PLAN B. Your H has no reason to make a decision because he can have TWO WOMEN. Go into Plan B and take back control of your life. Give him a Plan B letter designating an intermediary and then CHANGE THE LOCKS.

How do you know the OWH doesnt care about her affair? Did you hear this from his lips?

Are you sleeping with him?

Thanks everyone for your replies. Krazy- no I am not sleeping with him. Yes, Plan B is probably long overdue. I read somewhere that affairs usually dont last up to two years after exposure. My WH affair has been exposed...so why is this one lasting? Could it be the real thing?

I spoke to the OW last week and she said it did bother her that he hasn't gotten a divorce. I asked her what his reasons were for not getting one and she said he doesn't answer her. It also bothers her that he doesn't take our kids around her. He told her we don't talk except about financial matters and kids...that is a lie and I told her that. He also told her that we don't talk to each other at the games...lie..we do. So she knows he's been lying to her but I'm sure he'll just say something like if I told you you would get mad, etc.

My WH went from saying he wanted a divorce back in Feb/March to "I think a lot about coming home" and "there are reasons I havent gotten a divorce". Financially, my WH would be SET if he were to divorce me and hook up with her. I don't see his motivation to stay in this marriage unless he still had feelings of some sort. Any opinions? I know he is getting his needs met by the both of us so is it a good time to pull away and let the OW meet all his needs? Is it still FOG speak when he says he thinks a lot about coming home or could the affair be losing its luster and he really does think a lot about coming home?

What do I do if WH tries to take our kids around OW?

Have you gone to Plan B yet?

No I have not done Plan B yet. I keep thinking it's too late for me. This affair has been on for 2 years. Not sure anyrhing will help. I hould have done a Plan B long time ago.

Princessmeggy- I tried to send you a msg but it wouldn't allow me. Did you always have a feeling your WH would come back? I have always had this feeling that my marriage wasn't over. Maybe it's my way of not dealing with reality. I don't know but I'm wondering if many of you have or had the same feeling?

Help! Just founf out WH took children away for the weekend with OW. What do I do?

Pray. I hate that WS's do this to the kids.

I have prayed. I just don't know what to tell them. The truth? They are 8 and 11. I have covered for WH for two years. I don't want to hurt my children. Never have. That's why I covered for WH. Now, I don't know anymore. I asked him nort to bring the kids in the middle of this. He did. Now I don't know what to do.

[sarcasm on] By all means, lie and deceive your children. They don't deserve at least one parent who is honest with them.[/sarcasm]

First off, this comment you made (below) is just not true:


You "covered for WH" (code word for "lied to my children") because you are a classic conflict avoider.

Honesty in the home starts with you.
Your children are learning how to avoid the elephant in the room - learning this from you.

Not a good plan.

Why do you ask for advice that you plan to ignore?

You have hurt your children by not telling them the truth. Now they are being taught that wrong is right. They are getting "moral" guidance from INFIDELS because they did not get it at home.

This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by me that was on the Dr Laura show. I thought Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views on adultery, but she is right on in this aspect.

Dr. Harley, as many of you know, is a strong advocate of telling the children the TRUTH.

Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.

If anyone wants this Dr Laura segment on MP3, email me and I will send it.

Peppy, please listen to Pepperband and Melodylane. It seems to me that you are caught in this and it has been going on so long that it has become normalized.

You have to take charge of your own situation. Or do you want to go on like this for the rest of your life? What are you afraid of?

conflict avoider

I bumped up an oldie for you

I guess I dont want my children to hurt. I don't want my WH to turn this around like he always does and lie to them more. He will just tell them that mom and i are seperated and that this is my friend I worked with. He will try to make me look like the bad guy. He will say I only will hurt the kids if i tell the the truth. His truth is different than the real truth. I still love my husband. I guess thats why I put up with this crap. He just told me two weeks ago he thinks about coming home a lot? Then he takes the kids off for the weekend? What can he be thinking????? I guess I'm also afraid that he will leave me for good if he gets mad enough at me.

You live in fear - this is the gift you give your children?

Im sorry that I am not as strong as i should be. I am a woman who did not ask for this. i still love my husband so I guess that is why it is so difficult not to live in fear. It would be a whole lot easier if I was indifferent or even hated him. I plan on telling the children tomorrow when i see them. In some ways it will be a relief to explain why some days mom seemed short with them. I don't want them to hurt like i do. I keep telling myself it is their father who is hurting them. I tell myself over and over again. It doesn't help. I feel so betrayed and sad. The only thing I had left was that he didn't take the kids around her. Now he has and I am assuming he is trying to start a life with her and our kids. Is it over now? Once the spouse introduces the children is it over? Can I still have hope or do I really just need to move on?

good luck

I came here to ask for help. I feel like some of the posters are sarcastic. Thank you to those who have helped me...the Dr Laura post was really helpful. It was just what I needed to hear so that I could feel like I was doing the right thing by telling them. Those that can offer hope please respond I could really use it right now.

Please understand that strength is a choice. We all have FEAR when we are faced with scary situations. And we DECIDE to be strong or weak. That is our choice.

I hope that you don't miss the great advice you were given in these posts because you are looking for TONE. Don't miss the content because of the TONE, that would be a mistake. You have some very well seasoned posters posting to you.

I don't know what you have done to bust up this affair yet, so I am going to go read your posts to find out which way I think you should go.

edited to add: I just went back over your thread and I remember this now. Many folks here told you to go into Plan B. did you follow through and do that?

I have not done Plan B yet. I was blindsided last week when my WH told me thought about coming home a lot then I found him with OW. I thought perhaps that the affair was losing its steam. Probably 7 months before he said he wanted a divorce. Then out of the blue he said he thought about coming home. Thats when I posted. Melodylane- Can a marriage be salvaged after the kids are taken around thr OP? To me it would seem like they are headed in a positive direction? I don't know if Plan B will do anything if he plans to include the children in their lives. Should I just file for a divorce?

You really need to get a plan. You are letting the OW and your WS sabotage your marriage and family without lifting a finger.

First, let your kids know the truth. Then tell your family, hubby's family and the OW's family.

Can you support yourself and your kids? If not, seek legal advice to secure your finances.

Plan B is designed to remove you from this circle of abuse before you lose your mind. Thus far, you have simply enabled your H's affair becuase as long as he can get his needs met in two places, the affair will be propped up. You are endangering your mental health by living like this, peppy, and you are enabling his affair.

Plan B allows you to get away from the abuse so you can take back control of your life. It enables you to make sound decisions from a position of sanity and STRENGTH, instead of living in insanity and FEAR. The longer you choose to live like this, the more apt you are to suffer severe emotional problems which makes you an unattractive alternative if your H ever does end his affair.

And the fact that your kids have been dragged into this filth means nothing as far as the future of your marriage. But it does mean that your children are being screwed up by an infidel who is teaching them wrong is right. I cannot tell you how morally confusing that is to a kid. kids instinctively know right from wrong and when that is not validated by an adult, and actually DENIED, they realize they are STUPID in the head and learn to doubt their instincts about right and wrong.

Peppy, I know you are beaten down, but MADAM, you need to BUCK UP here and stop CHOOSING WEAKNESS AND DESPAIR. You do not have the luxury to lay down and whine. You are all your children have, peppy, and they need you to put aside your EMOTIONS and start acting on their behalf an start protecting their mothers MENTAL HEALTH.

You have no control whatsoever over what your H will do, but you DAMN SURE DO have control over your own life and it is about time you started taking some control of this mess and stop sitting around waiting for an ALIEN to do it for you. you can see where that has got you, right?

Stop choosing weakness, my friend!!

You gave him the hope he needed to go back and carry on his affair for a while longer. The OW thanks you!

Now remind me, WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON? Because I cannot tell.

Peppy, why do you keep talking to the OW? This is becoming a three person marriage. Your WH will soon lose respect for you if you don't set some boundaries. If you were a guy we would tell you to "man up" and get some "you know whats."

Hi everyone. I told my children. It was such a relief to tell them the truth. I presented it a way that they could understand. I don't feel like I am alone anymore. I told them I kept it from them because I wanted to protect them.

Next step...Plan B. I am ready to get off the rollercoaster. As for the children what do I do if he continues to take the children around her? Nothing? The children know who she is so I'm not sure how it will go. Perhaps it might be just what is needed to let them see that the fantasy can't be reality. The children stated they didn't like her. I'm still not sure if I am fighting a losing battle now that he has introduced the children. Do they come home after something like that? To me it is huge that he took my little girl and boy around her. Is there is hope for our marriage or do I begin to seek legal advice?

Yes

and

Yes

yes there is hope and yes seek legal advice - ask if there is a way to keep OW away from your children

peppy, I would ask him to never expose his children to his filthy affair. He is using your kids to NORMALIZE his adultery. If the kids accept her, it will be much easier for him to make the transition to Adultery-ville. I would put a stop to that. Tell him he is causing the kids great moral confusion and teaching them that adultery is right. He is teaching them that wrong is right and they are very upset about it.

Tell him you have explained his adultery to the children and they know the OW is his ADULTERY PARTNER and are sickened.

Start there. If he will not agree to not drag them into pigville, then contact a lawyer and get a legal separation agreement that stipulates they are not to have contact with his ho.

The fact that they have met this ho means nothing about the future chances of your marriage.

There is no legal seperation in my state. Thanks everyone for your support. It has been a difficult day. I told WH that I was going to tell them the truth and he told me not to drag the kids into this. I replied hr dragged the kids into this when he brought them around the OW. He did it not me!!

In that case, you would probably want to file for divorce and have it stipulated there that the kids are not exposed to his adultery. And if you are in a FAULT state, you can file on ground of adultery and call the OW to give testimony of her affair under oath.

WH was so mad today when he found out I spoke to my little bopy and girl after his friendship with OW. He told them that I was the one who was mean not the OW etc. Very difficult stuff to hear. I asked them if they believe me and they said yes. I said what their dad is doing is wrong and he is lying about their friendship and when it started.

Now what? My little girl told her dad that she did not want to be friends and be around OW. If he wanted to be friends with her that is up to him. What if he does it anyway? Do I let it be and just keep explaining what kind of woman the OW is? Let it go and perhaps they will get the hint that the children don't want to be around her? This is really the first consequence of this affair. OW has no children and really has nothing to lose by hanging on.

Just as little as a few weeks ago he said he thought about coming home alot. This blows my mind!! Is he for real????? Then he taked our children around her. What in the world is he thinking???????? I can't make any sense of this!!!!

I do not plan on talking to him anymore as he will only try to fight with me because he is mad about the TRUTH. I can't believe he has lied to our children.

This is what adulterers become - consummate liars.

Believe this:

Every word that comes out of WH's mouth is suspect. Verify facts independently before believing anything an adulterer says.

They lie. All the time.

Did you explain to him that he is not too drag his kids into his sleazy affair? Did you read my post?

She still thinks she is dealing with her husband.
She has not realized she is dealing with an alien.

Peppy - you cannot see your husband right now. For right now, he's been taken over by ALIENS.
Your expectations that are continuously being dashed against the rocks of disappointment are due to the fact that you are expecting your previous HUSBAND to respond (pre adultery-drug).

He's like an addict right now.
UNtrustworthy
UN reliable
Sneaky as heck
Selfish
Mean
Blaming
and just not himself

If you ever get THIS guy back (as is) you won't be happy. He's NOT the man you married. He might be again, one day, but for now, he's a strange alien walking around in your husband's skin. Yech!

You cannot expect your HUSBAND to respond as your husband. He's not there. He's drug-fogged with sin - adultery - guilt - selfishness.

His values and morals have been deeply buried - they have to be or he would not be able to do all the dirty nasty things he's doing.

Can you find a way to explain THAT to your children?
Daddy is sick. He's become a different man because of his adultery. Daddy won't be himself until he stops his adultery and remembers the good man he used to be.

I told my WH not to bring the children around the OW. The children told him they did not want to be around OW and did not want to be her friend. Now what he does with that I don't know. Hopefully, he will listen and respect the childrens decision. Who knows. He is only hurting the children. I still do not bad mouth their father even though he did that to me. I am taking the higher road and hope that the truth and higher road will comfort my children. My boundaries were weak...this boundary is NOT. The boundary was not to take the children around the OW, and he did it anyway. I am strong and will not allow him to teach my children that this is OK

Thanks Pepperband and Melodylane for hanging in there with me. I will tell my boys that Pepperband. Thank you. As for now I guess I just wait and see what he does about bringing kids around OW. For me I will not talk to him. He knows I would like our marriage to work, he knows what the conditions are to return. I have given a Plan B letter before and I didn't enforce it that much. No more...I am through. No more contact. Right now he probably doesn't care. Right now he is probably filing for divorce because he is so mad at me.

WHOSE RESPONSIBILITY IS IT TO PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN?

WHOSE RESPONSIBILITY IS IT TO PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN?

is there an adult in the house?

It is mine. What do I do? Tell children they can't see father? Tell children not to allow him to bring her around? I don't know if I can legally stop him from taking the children around her. The only thing think I can do is tell them the truth about her and allow them to decide they dont want to be around her. Then, if he doesn't listen to them they will begin to resent the both of them.

Take charge of this LIKE AN ADULT and quit relegating the protection of your children TO CHILDREN. THAT IS YOUR JOB TO PROTECT THEM. Your children need to be protected by their only SANE PARENT, please don't pass the buck to them.

What can you do to stop him from taking them around the OW? People do it here EVERY DAY and I have even posted on this thread about it.

Your kids need to be assured that there is an ADULT in charge here, peppy. You are all they have.

How come you don't know something so important?

Peppy, let me try and put this in perspective. Your husband is a falling down drunk who is intoxicated by his affair. He has been allowed to DRUNK drive the family car for 2 years now with you and your children in it. You can see where allowing a drunk to control your lives has got you and your kids. The affair is more entrenched, you are a walking anxiety attack and your kids are heartbroken and scared. For 2 years you have put up with this.

This will only get worse, not better, until you step up to the plate and do something here. That means taking back control of your lives an working to PROTECT you and and your children, INSTEAD OF PROTECTING THE DRUNK. He needs to be kicked out of the drivers seat, peppy.

Practically speaking, that means filing on him and getting a custody order that prevents him from exposing your kids to his filthy affair. It means getting financial protection. Once that is filed and your kids are protected you can go into Plan B. But giving him the cold shouder and counting on your kids to protect themselves is not going to get you anywhere. It is not an adult way of handling problems.

My suggestion is to take back charge of your life, peppy. Your kids need you. Your mental health needs you.

You are doing your H no favors by allowing him to harm his family like this. Someday he will come to his senses and ask WHY OH WHY did you allow me to do that? What will you answer, peppy?

Peppy, I just saw your post to me saying that you tried to send me a message. Private messages are disabled on MB. But listen sweetie, you have been getting GREAT advice.... but you're not "getting it".

1. Your husband is gone. The man in his place is rotten to the core. He doesn't CARE about anything but his fix.

2. You can't just "stop talking to him". That won't work and he won't believe you. You said you sent a Plan B letter before? Post it here so we can help you with rewriting it. Start your Plan B over but this time do it right. Have everything ready... an intermediary for communication... legal strategy... financial strategy... We can help you with this.

3. Take charge of your children. You are their mother and the only parent available to them now to teach them right from wrong.

You can file for divorce, doesn't mean you have to go through with it. If you file, you can get temporary orders in place (for child and financial support, visitation issues, keeping kids away from OW, etc.)

You're all over the map. Go back to the beginning and do it right this time. It won't guarantee that you're husband will come home, but it WILL guarantee some peace of mind for you and your kids for awhile. Otherwise, you're going to crack.

Please listen.

Do this for your children.

Thanks princessmeggy. I have contacted a lawyer so I can gather the information I need. I have spoken to Jennifer before and gave her my plan B letter and my conditions for him to return home. I can give him my plan b letter again but would like to wait until I speak to an atty.

What I wanted to ask you is why do you think my husband doesn't file for divorce? When I ask him he says you know the reasons we've talked about this. (the only reasons I remember were that he wasn't sure that he wanted a divorce). Just as little as a few weeks ago he spoke of thinking about coming home alot. Why after two years does he say things like that? Why can't he just let me go and continue his affair? Why put me through this? Is he just so mean? Did you ever ask your husbnad why he used to say those things to you? I remember our husbands being similar in that they didn't right out say they wanted a divorce...they pretty much said they din't know or didn't want one.

Peppy, he doesn't need to bother with a divorce when he can get his needs met by 2 women. He doesn't have to go to the trouble because he is being allowed to EAT CAKE.

Aren't you tired of living your life at the mercy and whim of a falling down drunk? Tired of living in a state of limbo where you live in anticipation of the latest edict from a crazy man? Please take back control of your life, my friend.

I am in the process of taking back control. Just curious why some men get a divorce right away and others like mine try to hide the affair still and do not get a divorce? I guess my real reason to finding that out is whether there is a better chance of reconciling when the WH or WW isn't sure what they want in regards to their marriage opposed to the one that just want out and doesn't try to hide it.

Peppy, who knows why a WS does anything? They're NUTZ and not thinking clearly. From reading your circumstances, I think your WH has not filed because he believes you'll be there NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES. He didn't want you to find out because he didn't want complications.

I don't know if there is a better chance of reconciling when the WH or WW isn't sure about what they want in their marriage. I can only go by my own experience. In my case, my WH DID want a divorce because OW was pressuring him about it-- not that she had any intention of marrying him, she just wanted ME out of the picture. But... my WH was just as NUTZ as any of them, the things he did made no sense at all.

Quit worrying about your WH's motives. You'll drive yourself crazy.

How specifically are you "in the process of taking back control"? I know you said you talked to an attorney, but have you gone beyond that?

None if it is relevant, though. A falling down drunk does not know what he wants, so there is no point in placing any credence whatsoever in what he says. There is no way to predict the future.