You live in fear - this is the gift you give your children?

Im sorry that I am not as strong as i should be. I am a woman who did not ask for this. i still love my husband so I guess that is why it is so difficult not to live in fear. It would be a whole lot easier if I was indifferent or even hated him. I plan on telling the children tomorrow when i see them. In some ways it will be a relief to explain why some days mom seemed short with them. I don't want them to hurt like i do. I keep telling myself it is their father who is hurting them. I tell myself over and over again. It doesn't help. I feel so betrayed and sad. The only thing I had left was that he didn't take the kids around her. Now he has and I am assuming he is trying to start a life with her and our kids. Is it over now? Once the spouse introduces the children is it over? Can I still have hope or do I really just need to move on?

good luck

I came here to ask for help. I feel like some of the posters are sarcastic. Thank you to those who have helped me...the Dr Laura post was really helpful. It was just what I needed to hear so that I could feel like I was doing the right thing by telling them. Those that can offer hope please respond I could really use it right now.

Please understand that strength is a choice. We all have FEAR when we are faced with scary situations. And we DECIDE to be strong or weak. That is our choice.

I hope that you don't miss the great advice you were given in these posts because you are looking for TONE. Don't miss the content because of the TONE, that would be a mistake. You have some very well seasoned posters posting to you.

I don't know what you have done to bust up this affair yet, so I am going to go read your posts to find out which way I think you should go.

edited to add: I just went back over your thread and I remember this now. Many folks here told you to go into Plan B. did you follow through and do that?

I have not done Plan B yet. I was blindsided last week when my WH told me thought about coming home a lot then I found him with OW. I thought perhaps that the affair was losing its steam. Probably 7 months before he said he wanted a divorce. Then out of the blue he said he thought about coming home. Thats when I posted. Melodylane- Can a marriage be salvaged after the kids are taken around thr OP? To me it would seem like they are headed in a positive direction? I don't know if Plan B will do anything if he plans to include the children in their lives. Should I just file for a divorce?

You really need to get a plan. You are letting the OW and your WS sabotage your marriage and family without lifting a finger.

First, let your kids know the truth. Then tell your family, hubby's family and the OW's family.

Can you support yourself and your kids? If not, seek legal advice to secure your finances.

Plan B is designed to remove you from this circle of abuse before you lose your mind. Thus far, you have simply enabled your H's affair becuase as long as he can get his needs met in two places, the affair will be propped up. You are endangering your mental health by living like this, peppy, and you are enabling his affair.

Plan B allows you to get away from the abuse so you can take back control of your life. It enables you to make sound decisions from a position of sanity and STRENGTH, instead of living in insanity and FEAR. The longer you choose to live like this, the more apt you are to suffer severe emotional problems which makes you an unattractive alternative if your H ever does end his affair.

And the fact that your kids have been dragged into this filth means nothing as far as the future of your marriage. But it does mean that your children are being screwed up by an infidel who is teaching them wrong is right. I cannot tell you how morally confusing that is to a kid. kids instinctively know right from wrong and when that is not validated by an adult, and actually DENIED, they realize they are STUPID in the head and learn to doubt their instincts about right and wrong.

Peppy, I know you are beaten down, but MADAM, you need to BUCK UP here and stop CHOOSING WEAKNESS AND DESPAIR. You do not have the luxury to lay down and whine. You are all your children have, peppy, and they need you to put aside your EMOTIONS and start acting on their behalf an start protecting their mothers MENTAL HEALTH.

You have no control whatsoever over what your H will do, but you DAMN SURE DO have control over your own life and it is about time you started taking some control of this mess and stop sitting around waiting for an ALIEN to do it for you. you can see where that has got you, right?

You gave him the hope he needed to go back and carry on his affair for a while longer. The OW thanks you!

Now remind me, WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON? Because I cannot tell.

Peppy, why do you keep talking to the OW? This is becoming a three person marriage. Your WH will soon lose respect for you if you don't set some boundaries. If you were a guy we would tell you to "man up" and get some "you know whats."

Hi everyone. I told my children. It was such a relief to tell them the truth. I presented it a way that they could understand. I don't feel like I am alone anymore. I told them I kept it from them because I wanted to protect them.

Next step...Plan B. I am ready to get off the rollercoaster. As for the children what do I do if he continues to take the children around her? Nothing? The children know who she is so I'm not sure how it will go. Perhaps it might be just what is needed to let them see that the fantasy can't be reality. The children stated they didn't like her. I'm still not sure if I am fighting a losing battle now that he has introduced the children. Do they come home after something like that? To me it is huge that he took my little girl and boy around her. Is there is hope for our marriage or do I begin to seek legal advice?

Yes

and

Yes

yes there is hope and yes seek legal advice - ask if there is a way to keep OW away from your children

peppy, I would ask him to never expose his children to his filthy affair. He is using your kids to NORMALIZE his adultery. If the kids accept her, it will be much easier for him to make the transition to Adultery-ville. I would put a stop to that. Tell him he is causing the kids great moral confusion and teaching them that adultery is right. He is teaching them that wrong is right and they are very upset about it.

Tell him you have explained his adultery to the children and they know the OW is his ADULTERY PARTNER and are sickened.

Start there. If he will not agree to not drag them into pigville, then contact a lawyer and get a legal separation agreement that stipulates they are not to have contact with his ho.

The fact that they have met this ho means nothing about the future chances of your marriage.

There is no legal seperation in my state. Thanks everyone for your support. It has been a difficult day. I told WH that I was going to tell them the truth and he told me not to drag the kids into this. I replied hr dragged the kids into this when he brought them around the OW. He did it not me!!

In that case, you would probably want to file for divorce and have it stipulated there that the kids are not exposed to his adultery. And if you are in a FAULT state, you can file on ground of adultery and call the OW to give testimony of her affair under oath.

WH was so mad today when he found out I spoke to my little bopy and girl after his friendship with OW. He told them that I was the one who was mean not the OW etc. Very difficult stuff to hear. I asked them if they believe me and they said yes. I said what their dad is doing is wrong and he is lying about their friendship and when it started.

Now what? My little girl told her dad that she did not want to be friends and be around OW. If he wanted to be friends with her that is up to him. What if he does it anyway? Do I let it be and just keep explaining what kind of woman the OW is? Let it go and perhaps they will get the hint that the children don't want to be around her? This is really the first consequence of this affair. OW has no children and really has nothing to lose by hanging on.

Just as little as a few weeks ago he said he thought about coming home alot. This blows my mind!! Is he for real????? Then he taked our children around her. What in the world is he thinking???????? I can't make any sense of this!!!!

I do not plan on talking to him anymore as he will only try to fight with me because he is mad about the TRUTH. I can't believe he has lied to our children.

This is what adulterers become - consummate liars.

Believe this:

Every word that comes out of WH's mouth is suspect. Verify facts independently before believing anything an adulterer says.

They lie. All the time.

Did you explain to him that he is not too drag his kids into his sleazy affair? Did you read my post?