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My husband has been in an on and off again affair for about two years. When I found out about the affair my husband had already moved out. I started to Plan A him (not knowing what Plan A was) and it seemed to make a difference, according to him. He said he didn't want a divorce needed time etc. We were affectionate and seemed to get along good. (I thought affair was over and he just needed time to think).
Anyway, after a year he moved back home. Said he was excited about being home. After about three months he said he made a mistake and moved out. I know he contacted the other woman at the end of that three month time. When he was home he wasnt his happy self and I felt like I was walking on eggshells. After he moved out the second time he was very cold towards me. This was about a year ago. He has since been very stand offish and somewhat cold. We still discuss kids, financial issues and such but do not talk about us. I can just tell he is stand offish. During his absences I surrounded myself with friends and family. I am doing really well given the circumstances.
Well, the other day we did talk about us and my husband seemed to open up to me for the first time in about a year. I asked if he was ever going to come home and he replied I think about coming home a lot. (9 months ago he told me he wanted a divorce) I asked him why he hasn't gotten a divorce and he replied there are reasons I havent gotten one after all this time. He denied still being involved with other woman.
I told him I knew someone who was in an affair and tried to stop it many times that she wished she could just end it and get her life back. She knew she didn't want to be in it yet could not ever end it completely. I said if that is what you are doing then you need to tell me, you need to end iot with my help and we can work on trying to repair our marriage but it is impossible with her in the picture if she still is. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "yea right, like I can come to you and say that". I said together we can beat this.
Since then, I have been confused. I am confused that he is acting stand offish yet tells me he has been thinking about coming home a lot. I asked him about it and he said he HAS to be right this time if he comes home. He can't come home and leave again. He knows that would hurt me and the kids all over again. He said he knows if he returns that he is vowing to be faithful again to me. He doesn't want to make any mistakes.
I know that this affair has been going on for a long time. He left her once to come back home, so Im not sure that it is everything it was during the most exciting time.
I guess Im not sure about how to handle the situation. Still be pleasant, fun, happy and confident. Do not ask about his feelings or where he's at emotionally. Or try to Plan B.
I did speak to a Marriage Builder counselor who said that at around two years reality sets in on the affair and it will likely burn itself out. Husband does not seem happy right now. I never see him smile and he has lost a lot of weight. She said when someone is happy its hard to hide it.
I dont know if the timing for Plan B is right if he really isn't with the other woman and is trying to sort himself out (withdrawal from her). Any advice? Yes, I have advice. Don't be a consolation prize. D his sorry [censored] and don't look back. For any reason.
Divorced
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Two choices: 1. Stay on this rollercoaster until HE "decides". 2. Go to Plan B and get off this rollercoaster. You "decide" what you want to do with your marriage and your life. Plan B will rock his world. No more cake-eating for WH. OW will be FORCED to meet all of his needs. But the best part, you won't have to deal with his namby-pamby games. You can begin to heal, to think clearly, to "decide" what is best for you. Plan B isn't forever. If he's been at this for 2-years, the "general" rule of thumb is that's when the affair begins to lose its luster. You going to Plan B will just make it happen faster, if it does.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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OWH doesn't care about her affair. Doesn't even live around here. Is there hope with an affair that has lated two years? He hasn't completely left. Pretty much everything he owns is still at the our house. Doesn't take kids aroud her and still has his own place when he can easily move in with her. Still after two years at least SAYS he thinks about coming home which at least leads me to believe there must be something here that makes it difficult to leave. What do I do now??? Did you read our posts? :MrEEk: Peppy, go into PLAN B. Your H has no reason to make a decision because he can have TWO WOMEN. Go into Plan B and take back control of your life. Give him a Plan B letter designating an intermediary and then CHANGE THE LOCKS. How do you know the OWH doesnt care about her affair? Did you hear this from his lips?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Are you sleeping with him?
Divorced
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Thanks everyone for your replies. Krazy- no I am not sleeping with him. Yes, Plan B is probably long overdue. I read somewhere that affairs usually dont last up to two years after exposure. My WH affair has been exposed...so why is this one lasting? Could it be the real thing?
I spoke to the OW last week and she said it did bother her that he hasn't gotten a divorce. I asked her what his reasons were for not getting one and she said he doesn't answer her. It also bothers her that he doesn't take our kids around her. He told her we don't talk except about financial matters and kids...that is a lie and I told her that. He also told her that we don't talk to each other at the games...lie..we do. So she knows he's been lying to her but I'm sure he'll just say something like if I told you you would get mad, etc.
My WH went from saying he wanted a divorce back in Feb/March to "I think a lot about coming home" and "there are reasons I havent gotten a divorce". Financially, my WH would be SET if he were to divorce me and hook up with her. I don't see his motivation to stay in this marriage unless he still had feelings of some sort. Any opinions? I know he is getting his needs met by the both of us so is it a good time to pull away and let the OW meet all his needs? Is it still FOG speak when he says he thinks a lot about coming home or could the affair be losing its luster and he really does think a lot about coming home?
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What do I do if WH tries to take our kids around OW?
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Have you gone to Plan B yet?
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No I have not done Plan B yet. I keep thinking it's too late for me. This affair has been on for 2 years. Not sure anyrhing will help. I hould have done a Plan B long time ago.
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Princessmeggy- I tried to send you a msg but it wouldn't allow me. Did you always have a feeling your WH would come back? I have always had this feeling that my marriage wasn't over. Maybe it's my way of not dealing with reality. I don't know but I'm wondering if many of you have or had the same feeling?
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Help! Just founf out WH took children away for the weekend with OW. What do I do?
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Pray. I hate that WS's do this to the kids.
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I have prayed. I just don't know what to tell them. The truth? They are 8 and 11. I have covered for WH for two years. I don't want to hurt my children. Never have. That's why I covered for WH. Now, I don't know anymore. I asked him nort to bring the kids in the middle of this. He did. Now I don't know what to do.
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I have prayed. I just don't know what to tell them. The truth? They are 8 and 11. I have covered for WH for two years. I don't want to hurt my children. Never have. That's why I covered for WH. Now, I don't know anymore. I asked him nort to bring the kids in the middle of this. He did. Now I don't know what to do. By all means, lie and deceive your children. They don't deserve at least one parent who is honest with them. [/sarcasm]First off, this comment you made (below) is just not true: That's why I covered for WH You "covered for WH" (code word for "lied to my children") because you are a classic conflict avoider. Honesty in the home starts with you. Your children are learning how to avoid the elephant in the room - learning this from you. Not a good plan.
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Help! Just founf out WH took children away for the weekend with OW. What do I do? Why do you ask for advice that you plan to ignore?
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I have prayed. I just don't know what to tell them. The truth? They are 8 and 11. I have covered for WH for two years. I don't want to hurt my children. Never have. That's why I covered for WH. Now, I don't know anymore. I asked him nort to bring the kids in the middle of this. He did. Now I don't know what to do. You have hurt your children by not telling them the truth. Now they are being taught that wrong is right. They are getting "moral" guidance from INFIDELS because they did not get it at home.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by me that was on the Dr Laura show. I thought Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views on adultery, but she is right on in this aspect.
Dr. Harley, as many of you know, is a strong advocate of telling the children the TRUTH.
Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]
Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."
Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?
Caller: Yes, we both do
Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?
caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."
Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"
What can I do to possibly help you?
Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.
Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....
See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.
The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.
That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.
Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.
DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children
I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.
But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.
This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If anyone wants this Dr Laura segment on MP3, email me and I will send it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Peppy, please listen to Pepperband and Melodylane. It seems to me that you are caught in this and it has been going on so long that it has become normalized.
You have to take charge of your own situation. Or do you want to go on like this for the rest of your life? What are you afraid of?
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conflict avoider I bumped up an oldie for you 
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I guess I dont want my children to hurt. I don't want my WH to turn this around like he always does and lie to them more. He will just tell them that mom and i are seperated and that this is my friend I worked with. He will try to make me look like the bad guy. He will say I only will hurt the kids if i tell the the truth. His truth is different than the real truth. I still love my husband. I guess thats why I put up with this crap. He just told me two weeks ago he thinks about coming home a lot? Then he takes the kids off for the weekend? What can he be thinking????? I guess I'm also afraid that he will leave me for good if he gets mad enough at me.
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