She still thinks she is dealing with her husband.
She has not realized she is dealing with an alien.

Peppy - you cannot see your husband right now. For right now, he's been taken over by ALIENS.
Your expectations that are continuously being dashed against the rocks of disappointment are due to the fact that you are expecting your previous HUSBAND to respond (pre adultery-drug).

He's like an addict right now.
UNtrustworthy
UN reliable
Sneaky as heck
Selfish
Mean
Blaming
and just not himself

If you ever get THIS guy back (as is) you won't be happy. He's NOT the man you married. He might be again, one day, but for now, he's a strange alien walking around in your husband's skin. Yech!

You cannot expect your HUSBAND to respond as your husband. He's not there. He's drug-fogged with sin - adultery - guilt - selfishness.

His values and morals have been deeply buried - they have to be or he would not be able to do all the dirty nasty things he's doing.

Can you find a way to explain THAT to your children?
Daddy is sick. He's become a different man because of his adultery. Daddy won't be himself until he stops his adultery and remembers the good man he used to be.

I told my WH not to bring the children around the OW. The children told him they did not want to be around OW and did not want to be her friend. Now what he does with that I don't know. Hopefully, he will listen and respect the childrens decision. Who knows. He is only hurting the children. I still do not bad mouth their father even though he did that to me. I am taking the higher road and hope that the truth and higher road will comfort my children. My boundaries were weak...this boundary is NOT. The boundary was not to take the children around the OW, and he did it anyway. I am strong and will not allow him to teach my children that this is OK

Thanks Pepperband and Melodylane for hanging in there with me. I will tell my boys that Pepperband. Thank you. As for now I guess I just wait and see what he does about bringing kids around OW. For me I will not talk to him. He knows I would like our marriage to work, he knows what the conditions are to return. I have given a Plan B letter before and I didn't enforce it that much. No more...I am through. No more contact. Right now he probably doesn't care. Right now he is probably filing for divorce because he is so mad at me.

WHOSE RESPONSIBILITY IS IT TO PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN?

WHOSE RESPONSIBILITY IS IT TO PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN?

is there an adult in the house?

It is mine. What do I do? Tell children they can't see father? Tell children not to allow him to bring her around? I don't know if I can legally stop him from taking the children around her. The only thing think I can do is tell them the truth about her and allow them to decide they dont want to be around her. Then, if he doesn't listen to them they will begin to resent the both of them.

Take charge of this LIKE AN ADULT and quit relegating the protection of your children TO CHILDREN. THAT IS YOUR JOB TO PROTECT THEM. Your children need to be protected by their only SANE PARENT, please don't pass the buck to them.

What can you do to stop him from taking them around the OW? People do it here EVERY DAY and I have even posted on this thread about it.

Your kids need to be assured that there is an ADULT in charge here, peppy. You are all they have.

How come you don't know something so important?

Peppy, let me try and put this in perspective. Your husband is a falling down drunk who is intoxicated by his affair. He has been allowed to DRUNK drive the family car for 2 years now with you and your children in it. You can see where allowing a drunk to control your lives has got you and your kids. The affair is more entrenched, you are a walking anxiety attack and your kids are heartbroken and scared. For 2 years you have put up with this.

This will only get worse, not better, until you step up to the plate and do something here. That means taking back control of your lives an working to PROTECT you and and your children, INSTEAD OF PROTECTING THE DRUNK. He needs to be kicked out of the drivers seat, peppy.

Practically speaking, that means filing on him and getting a custody order that prevents him from exposing your kids to his filthy affair. It means getting financial protection. Once that is filed and your kids are protected you can go into Plan B. But giving him the cold shouder and counting on your kids to protect themselves is not going to get you anywhere. It is not an adult way of handling problems.

My suggestion is to take back charge of your life, peppy. Your kids need you. Your mental health needs you.

You are doing your H no favors by allowing him to harm his family like this. Someday he will come to his senses and ask WHY OH WHY did you allow me to do that? What will you answer, peppy?

Peppy, I just saw your post to me saying that you tried to send me a message. Private messages are disabled on MB. But listen sweetie, you have been getting GREAT advice.... but you're not "getting it".

1. Your husband is gone. The man in his place is rotten to the core. He doesn't CARE about anything but his fix.

2. You can't just "stop talking to him". That won't work and he won't believe you. You said you sent a Plan B letter before? Post it here so we can help you with rewriting it. Start your Plan B over but this time do it right. Have everything ready... an intermediary for communication... legal strategy... financial strategy... We can help you with this.

3. Take charge of your children. You are their mother and the only parent available to them now to teach them right from wrong.

You can file for divorce, doesn't mean you have to go through with it. If you file, you can get temporary orders in place (for child and financial support, visitation issues, keeping kids away from OW, etc.)

You're all over the map. Go back to the beginning and do it right this time. It won't guarantee that you're husband will come home, but it WILL guarantee some peace of mind for you and your kids for awhile. Otherwise, you're going to crack.

Please listen.

Do this for your children.

Thanks princessmeggy. I have contacted a lawyer so I can gather the information I need. I have spoken to Jennifer before and gave her my plan B letter and my conditions for him to return home. I can give him my plan b letter again but would like to wait until I speak to an atty.

What I wanted to ask you is why do you think my husband doesn't file for divorce? When I ask him he says you know the reasons we've talked about this. (the only reasons I remember were that he wasn't sure that he wanted a divorce). Just as little as a few weeks ago he spoke of thinking about coming home alot. Why after two years does he say things like that? Why can't he just let me go and continue his affair? Why put me through this? Is he just so mean? Did you ever ask your husbnad why he used to say those things to you? I remember our husbands being similar in that they didn't right out say they wanted a divorce...they pretty much said they din't know or didn't want one.

Peppy, he doesn't need to bother with a divorce when he can get his needs met by 2 women. He doesn't have to go to the trouble because he is being allowed to EAT CAKE.

Aren't you tired of living your life at the mercy and whim of a falling down drunk? Tired of living in a state of limbo where you live in anticipation of the latest edict from a crazy man? Please take back control of your life, my friend.

I am in the process of taking back control. Just curious why some men get a divorce right away and others like mine try to hide the affair still and do not get a divorce? I guess my real reason to finding that out is whether there is a better chance of reconciling when the WH or WW isn't sure what they want in regards to their marriage opposed to the one that just want out and doesn't try to hide it.

Peppy, who knows why a WS does anything? They're NUTZ and not thinking clearly. From reading your circumstances, I think your WH has not filed because he believes you'll be there NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES. He didn't want you to find out because he didn't want complications.

I don't know if there is a better chance of reconciling when the WH or WW isn't sure about what they want in their marriage. I can only go by my own experience. In my case, my WH DID want a divorce because OW was pressuring him about it-- not that she had any intention of marrying him, she just wanted ME out of the picture. But... my WH was just as NUTZ as any of them, the things he did made no sense at all.

Quit worrying about your WH's motives. You'll drive yourself crazy.

How specifically are you "in the process of taking back control"? I know you said you talked to an attorney, but have you gone beyond that?

None if it is relevant, though. A falling down drunk does not know what he wants, so there is no point in placing any credence whatsoever in what he says. There is no way to predict the future.