My wife of 15 years told me about a month ago that “she loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore.” I have tried since that time to improve myself and work on our marriage. I have read a number of books and websites looking for advice. I found this site about 3 weeks ago and it has really opened my eyes. At first, I couldn’t even fathom that she was possibly having an affair. But, I could put enough pieces of the puzzle together to make me suspicious after reading a lot of threads here on MB. I installed a keylogger on our home computer about a week ago and last night I got the surprise of my life when I found a secret email and lots of emails all to the same guy. I probably shouldn’t be surprised, but even with all of the clues, I guess I just didn’t want to believe that she was capable of this.

We live in a university town and my wife is a recruiter for the university. She also serves as the cheerleading coordinator. It doesn’t pay much, but she’s always loved being involved in cheerleading and the university athletic scene. Her main job keeps her out of town about 30% of the time and the cheerleading thing ties up most of her weekends from August until March after both football and basketball end. I’ve never liked having her gone so much, but I never said anything because I knew she loved what she was doing.

Now, I find hundreds of emails between her and the head male cheerleader since August. I stayed up all night last night reading every one of them. They started innocent enough, but some of the ones in the last month have become more and more provocative. Then there were several emails in the past 2 weeks where they were sending suggestive pictures of themselves to each other including nude pictures. I don’t know if this thing is physical yet, but I’m afraid that if it’s not it will be soon.

I don’t know what to do at this point. She is out of town on a recruiting trip and she’s meeting the squad tonight since tomorrow is an away game. I won’t see her again until late Saturday night. I don’t want to confront her over the phone, but I know that she will be with him tonight and tomorrow. Should I go ahead and confront her over the phone? It’s taking all the strength I have not to go over and beat the crap out this kid before he gets on the bus for this game. Only the thought of going to jail and hurting my kids is saving this kid at the moment.

MG,

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Welcome.

Your WW is most likely in a PA. If you confronted her she would probably say that they were "just friends". So before you talk to her at all you need to get some of this evidence printed and put in a safe place. You never know what will happen in the future and you may need to protect yourself and your kids. BTW how old are your kids?

When you get your ducks in a row, you will need to expose the A to people who have an influence in her life and you will have to expose to the cheerleading dept. She will have to leave that job and NC will have to be established if you are going to attempt R at all. She will not be happy when you do this. She will say all sorts of things, maybe even say that you two had aa chance, but now she doesn't see one. Expect it all. Expect anger. Your M can survive the anger, it can't survive an A that deos not end.

I would not give up my source yet either. Just tell her you know about the A(after you get your evidence safely stored).

Is the OM M? If so, his W will need to be told.

There are many different ways that this may turn once you confront her. She may move out. She may say it's over, but go further underground and learn to lie better. She may end it immediately and start R(most don't do this). If she is addicted to this OM then she will try to keep getting her fix.

She will rewrite your M history. She will try to justify her actions by blaming you. She will lie straight to your face.


Read up on Plan A. If you can read Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs. Both can be purchased in book stores and on this website.

Most BH on this site will tell you to protect your finances and start documenting everything. I personally went to a lawyer before I confronted my WH.

This is a tough road. Take a deep breath. You'll get lots of help here. Some advice may work and some may not. But it;s best to follow what the good Dr Harley has outlined. That's the bottom line. Hang in there. You are not alone.

mgolfer1971,

I am so sorry. Bad things do happen to good people. Listen to the folks here and take heed of their advice. This place saved my sanity. Follow their plans.

You are at the very beginning of what is likely to be the roller coaster ride of your life. My situation was similar in that my WW took up with a man 7-8 years younger. Mine lasted a year and is only now slowing down.

I used to get frustrated when people told me to take care of myself, but it is true. Exercise, don't drink too much, try to sleep (I found dramamine helped) and keep posting to the experts here.

Having been there, I really feel for you, but you WILL make it.

Go to where she is at. Confront her with what you already know....she has sent nude photos and suggestive emails. That is enough evidence.

Expose the affair to other attendees at this function. Expose to your children, family, her family...with NO warning. In fact, if her parents would be horrified by this, have them come with you to her event.

Do NOT sit back and allow this to go any further. Tonight could be the night she gets pregnant or an STD. Fight this NOW.

I agree with what Michelle advised ... make copies ... put your PROOF in a safe place ... protect your finances ... get legal advice, etc.

However, I also advocate a MUCH MORE proactive posture. You simply can't allow this weekend to pass without confronting ... YOU WILL DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY worrying about what they are doing.

After you have done the above, I would call my WW and say:

"I know of your activities with XXX, you have one opportunity to confess and come home or I will blow up your whole world. What's it going to be?"

Don't reveal your sources, just say "I KNOW and now YOU KNOW I KNOW".

If she won't agree to NC immediately, including stepping down as the cheerleading coordinator, then UNLEASH THE DOGS OF WAR ... expose to the University first, then to her family and ask for their support in saving your M (if that's what you want now that you know what she's capable of).

Your WW is humiliating you in the worst way, and you need to stand up to her with righteous indignation over her lack of respect for YOU.

Every so often in life we are TESTED ... today is that day for you. Will you stand tall and not be afraid? BE STRONG, CONFIDENT and PROACTIVE!!!

Ummm yep!

What he said!

And your wife will respect you all the more for it!

MG71:

Yep, you have plans this weekend.

Drop the kids at YOUR parents house if you have any, and travel to WHEREEVER the game is. You can stay with your W in her hotel room. And if she is sharing the room with another female coach, or team member, then you get the room and your W stays with you. You BY HER SIDE all weekend. It's time to reclaim your Wife.

ANd if she is doing the head male cheerleader, she is probably violating a number of rules at the college she works at.

She's probably going to be losing her job in the not to distant future.

Accept that outcome. Accept that it isn't your fault. Accept that SHE made these choices to destroy your family.

To properly recover your marriage, she's going to have to change what she is doing anyway. She can't be gone this much.

Strap into your seat, the roller coaster is about to take off like a shot.

LG

I do agree with the others that if it is possible, you should travel to where she is and confront in person and stay with her all weekend in order to protect your family.

However, if that is not possible (too far, not enough time to make the logistics work, no suitable care for kids (if any), etc.), then do it by phone, but however you do it ... DO IT TODAY!!!

Also, if you are not going to be able to go to your WW this weekend, then I also suggest confronting the OM prior to his departure. It shouldn't be too hard to put the "fear of God" into a KID enough to where it will keep him away from your WW for the weekend, without you having to risk going to jail. Just a little "MAN to kid talk" should do it ... let him know that due to your WW's position with the University and his position on the cheerleading team (possibly on scholarship), they both have a lot to lose if this doesn't stop RIGHT NOW!!! He should SEE just how SERIOUS you are, and understand what he is risking.

Good Luck and get to work.

I agree with MyRev and Medc. I would never be able to look at myself in the mirror again, if I knew my wife was meeting her OM for the weekend and I did nothing to stop it. The guilt you will feel for essentially enabling them to have sex will eat you up. At least, it would for me.

You definitely need to expose to your wife before this weekend happens. MyRev is absolutely right that you could confront the OM before he leaves and put the fear of god into him. I mean, he is a male cheerleader for crying out loud. Get in his face about this and he will cave faster than Rosie O'donnell at a chinese buffet.

If you can't drop in on your wife this weekend and confront there, make the phone call. But don't sit idly by and let it happen. I like the idea about making her choose on the spot whether she wants to come home, swear NC, and go to marriage counseling...or have her affair exposed to the school, the cheerleading team, her parents, etc...

Also, on a psychological note, do you think your wife is involved in school activities with college students because she has never really wanted to let go of that phase in her life? Do you think that is part of the draw for her in an affair with a college student? I think you can assume that the environment for her is not compatible with a healthy marriage.

Best of luck.

Both Medc and MyRev pretty much summed it up... I would also go to the head of the school that they help cheerlead at together and let them aware of the situation. Doesnt look good to students.

I would def address it to her the way MyRev put it. To the point but out there!!! And then expose like anything if she denies. Exposure needs to happien either way because it will help you with support, along with ending her fantasy.

LG could not have said it better. You MUST print off your evidence and make sure you have a copy in a safe place. Show up and suprise her wherever she is. She will probably be annoyed, but if you are in public say you are just there to support her. Once you get her alone behind closed doors, unload on her. Show her the evidence and tell her if she chooses to stay, you are done. Tell her "if the school finds out" you will be fired. DO NOT TELL her or promise her that you won't Tell the school.

Once she committs one way or another, tell everyone you know including the school (with evidence) and let them know you need help recovering your marriage. you will never forgive yourself if you do nothing and later find out that this weekend was their first time to have $ex. I would assume they are already there, but you still will be better off proceeding.

The advantage you have here is that you have definitive proof and she does not think you know a thing. It’s better to freak out now, expose to EVERYONE while it can still be viewed as the heat of the moment. If you play nice for a few weeks and then freak out it loses all its punch. Do it today.

Contact the school, the activity director, the athletic director, and her parents. After them contact OM and directly ask what his intentions are with your WW. Don’t ask if they are committing adultery, tell them you know they are,

I wish I had been given the opportunity you have today. Don’t let it pass.

I would trade my left kidney and left lung for the opportunity to have a 1% chance of stopping my WW from having $ex with another man!

You know, I have never really liked this question. Its not rhetorical enough. It seems to imply that there might be some answer this guy can give to save his own hide.

On another note. Can you anonymously circulate the nude picture he sent your wife around the school?

Man, so much to take in. To answer a couple of the questions, my kids are 7 and 5. The OM is not married. He is a 22 y/o college student. I think I’m getting sick just typing this. I can’t just pick up and leave to go to her. I can arrange a babysitter for the weekend, but I can’t get that arranged until later this afternoon. I will also need some time to get someone to cover me at work this weekend. I am the head pro at a local country club and we have a big member function this weekend that I have to get covered before I can leave. I’m afraid that if anything is going to happen that it will happen before I can get there. She’s 6 hours away. I’ll try to get myself together and go over and meet OM before he gets on the bus. If I confront him, do I need to go ahead and call my wife so that she hears it from me before he has a chance to call her?

I will go home and print off all of the emails at lunch and lock them up for safe keeping. I understand what everyone is saying about exposure. But I’m just not sure I’m ready for the firestorm that will follow. It sound so simply, but if I expose to the university, she will lose her job and probably be blackballed from ever working in her field again. How would she ever forgive me for that? Also, should I confront her first before I expose to anyone else?

Is it possible that I could expose maybe to just her family and see if that’s enough to knock some sense into her without destroying her entire life? Also, I can’t really see how to expose this to my kids. They wouldn’t understand anyway. As to quiting, would it be enough to demand that she just give up cheerleading since that is where she sees him. He will graduate in a couple of months and be gone completely.

Okay how about,

“OM I would like to ask you what your intentions are regarding my wife? But, before you answer let me offer a rhetorical thought. Think very carefully about how life would be for you as a lipless eunuch in a wheelchair.”

You need to expose and confront.

Expose everyone. The school admin.: athletic director, college pres., board of trustees, WW's parents, her siblings.

You must have your WW go NC with the OM.

WW or OM will have to leave the college.

MG71:

You asked this:

How could you EVER forgive her for what she's about to do?

She is screwing a student at her school. That's against the rules.
She is screwing another man inside your marriage. That's against the rules

When you BREAK the rules, you have to face the consequences.

If losing her precious job in this industry is the consequesnce, then so be it.

SHE made that choice.

Sorry, get someone to cover your golf tournament this weekend. There are other tournaments and other clubs.

Meet the OM at the school. Show him his picture on your cellphone. Tell him you pushing "send" to everyone on your email/cellphone list if he converses with your wife again.

Then hit "send" anyway.

And get someone to watch your children. Someone is throwing hand grenades into your house and your unwilling to step out of the house to confront your attacker. And your attacker is going to run as soon as YOU appear.

LG

I think you should start making your phone calls and get it lined up between work and child care. Your M is in trouble and before it gets worse I would do what I can to start mending it.


Its never to late to try and stop what might not have happiend already.


He probally will contact her and tell her that you have confronted him. I would prepare yourself for her to be very angry and upset because you are messing with her fantasy world. And thats a good thing. It depends if you want to talk to your wife about it now or not. If you tell her now it might give her a chance to contact OM and tell him what to say so there stories match so I wouldnt call her.

If you expose you need to expose all the way. Hey if she and this OM didnt even get to what they have done then her job would be safe. Its not your fault that she is trashing her life. Its not your fault if she looses her position. Sometimes things have to bite us back to get us to wake up.



You will be surprised what kids do know. They sense the stress from parents and they tend to act out on that stress or sense they are getting. I would think of how to put it but they need to knwo what is going on at home.


Thats if he doesnt convience her to run off with him if the A is still going on. I would have her quit her job and she seeks the same job elsewhere. If she comes clean she needs to do NC and give you access to everything she has passwords too along with acess to her cell.

Your wife is committing adultery. You are right, she is poised to destroy your family. She does not think you know. Why would she think that when you find out you will be mild, polite and meek? Just keep it your little dirty family secret?

Your marriage can survive her temporary anger. It can not survive ongoing adultery.

You have this one moment in time to blow this adultery up. Many that took this opportunity when given have ended the adultery that day.

Losing her job where she clearly has boundary issues anyway is not your fault. It is the consequences of her choices