Queenie,

Good job girl. No room for negotiation was good. I'm proud of you.

Glad to see your spirits lifted again. You rode the coaster down and survived, and now you are back up again.

Have a wonderful weekend....

You got a very long thread Queenie....

I will offer you my insights, but I need some time...

I actually will be away of sorts for a few days...

I gave this some thought though, of the best way to give you the "insights of a Cheating, Emotionally Abusive Man named Silverwind"

I am thinking I am going to just write out what happened, basically the few years before we were married,the start of our marriage, during my A, and after along with what was going through my mind, my emotions, at that time... I will not throw in dialogue about what I now know was wrong until when I actually relized it. It will be just a running commentary as best I can recall. I think this will be good for me as well.

Ill throw you my email,and if you are comfortable or have a "spam" account, you can email me from there.I can then send this to you. I dont want to make a new thread, or post my thoughs in yours, or start a new one.I fear it will start off on a tangent and that is not what I want.


Does this sound reasonable?

If you have a better way, I am all for it.But that is the best I came up with.

Hi Silver,

I am so grateful and appreciative that you would do something like that. I totally want to hear your story. And my first gut reaction is to say here is my email.

However, it was explained to me last year This was given to me by Mark.

So, as much and as hungry as I am for information, I have to decline on the email offer. However, anyone who reads this, can understand what Silver is saying about things getting off on a tangent, please offer some input with might work.

Silver, maybe you can consider that you are helping alot of BS's who just are thirsty for understanding and information.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend.. It was sunny and warm in the PNW. Very cool.

Hey Queenie,
I just wanted to say that I have been popping in and out of your thread for 6 months now and I can see changes in you. Your stronger, more reliant on God, your sense of humour shines thru more and more.....

I think your doing great.

Thanks Lil,

I can absolutely feel my sense of humor being stronger these days and that's a good thing. It was my strength to perservere, just about anything. As for stronger, whatever I have it's from G-d and I just thank him for each day that I make it another day.

This morning I heard my YS moving around early. I just got up and asked him where he was going. He lied to me saying he was going to the high school to go play lacrosse. Funny thing about mom's they know when they are being lied to, most of the time. So I kept pressing, offering to come watch him etc.

Low and behold WH was coming to pick him up and bring him to lacrosse pick up game. YS left and walked back in and told me what he was doing. I'm glad he did that. I hate the lies.

I told him to have fun. I also have to be honest, I checked and YS got into the front seat of the car, so OW probably was not with them. But I'll be honest, I'll find out and if she was then I'll pray to G-d for strength, understanding, clarity of vision, etc. If not, then I'll be happy that a father and son were finally having some fun together and hope that it is one part of G-ds plan to bring him home.

I've stepped up my prayers and been more specific like you said Mark. On Friday, my cousin came through and sent me the exact amount of money that I asked G-d for.

It's so WONDERFUL to receive GOD'S BLESSINGS!!

Yes it is, and I'm very grateful and asking G-d how he wants me to spend the money and how much.

I have made sure to thank him and not take this for granted one bit.

Queenie,

You are sounding soooo much stronger... definitely BOUNCING back quicker at the challenges being thrown at you!

So proud of you.

Luna

Good morning Luna,

Thank you. I am feeling stronger. I'm feeling a little more peaceful. I've stepped up my prayers and being more specific and just leaving it with G-d. I seem to be keeping myself busy, but not in a crazy making way.

At services yesterday I had a mini meltdown and was hugging my friend. I asked her is she thought H would come home. She said yes, she saw how he looked at me, and how he looked at his kids. So I just need to step up my prayers.

Halloween is H's birthday. I could totally go to the pity potty of not Plan Aing him that day, but I was in my own modified Plan B piece mealing what I was learning on here. I think it backfired because I would have been able to make him a cake that he hasn't had in years and OW would have NO IDEA.

But it is what it is and I just am asking G-d for the chance to make him that cake one day again.

It may seem that I am focusing on WH, I'm not. My soul feels like my H is crying out, I could be wrong, but I'm praying and will continue to pray hard for him.

I just had this thought. Should I text YS and telling him I have potatoes and eggs ready for him when he gets home to eat?

Also telling him I hope he is having fun?

MS just woke up and wants to know where YS is. If I tell him, he will be angry and take it out on YS.

Suggestions?

I told OS where YS is, at first he reacted, shut down. I left him alone, waited for him to filter through the emotions he doesn't have and answer anything he asks. I also redirected him by asking him if he wanted to go to the movies, or what he wanted for dinner and then looking at a phone with the company we are going to.

He really didn't respond, he is 19 so I left him alone to work through the feelings, that he says he didn't have, or that he isn't mad. YEAH RIGHT.

So after about 15 minutes, OS said that he isn't mad about WH asking YS to go play, but he is mad at YS for going with WH when he says he doesn't want to be with him.

I just said, well, that YS is probably mixed up in his feelings on what he wants and that he could go play with his dad if he liked. He of course said he didn't want to. I left him alone, he went out to shoot hoops, too cold.

Came inside and after a few minutes I just told him that I am glad he shared his feelings with me. He just shook his head. So now I leave him alone and let the boys work it out, because it's really there deal.

While everyone is so busy saying they don't want dad to come home, their actions and attitude or totally opposite.

UGH.... Why do they all three have to be so stubborn and total recluses with feelings?

If I understand your question right, here is my answer...

I don't know if its a man thing, but I was always a very emotional person. I say emotional on the inside, I was afraid to let anyone see my emotions...Its not what a man does.And still am to some extent. Except for anger, that I was ok letting out. Go figure. Its easier to shut down and bury those emotions than to deal with them. And later in life you can drink them away, temporarily.

Any of the "non-manly" emotions I bottled up inside and stewed over in solitude or through punching walls. And this is throughout my life, not just recently. My brother is the same way. I never cried up front of anyone in my life with one exception. At my grandfathers funeral when I was probably 13 or so, and I was so ashamed of myself I hid behind one of those large monument like tombstones. The priest found me and kind of make it look like I was ok.

Why are we like this? I have no idea...

I have heard all the theories before mostly in a few college classes, tv, magazines, etc..., we are taught from a young age to "suck it up, be a man, rub some dirt on it, toughen up, etc..." And part of me thinks that a man is suppose to be tough, we are shown tough men every day. We see ads for the marines, the army, cowboys, movies portray men as tough guys who deal with anything. And they always get the good lookin woman!

When is the last time you saw a coach say its ok, let those emotions out? We see women on TV crying all the time and usually a man is close by to comfort them and say everything is going to be ok, but how often is it the other way around (except lifetime).

I dont know if I answered your questions, but I can say the way I deal with emotions is very unhealthy.

Or you get into an A.

Having read what my WH do you think that my H will figure it out one day and come home?

Queenie,

I would love to say I read your entire story, but there is alot there and I have not yet. I am trying to not spend too much time on this site, its not good for me right now. Nor am I in any position to offer an answer to your question.

I can say I hope so because its no way to live a life.

You are right and I'm sorry for putting you in a weird position. I think I am just starving for information and I want to pick your brain.

If you get to a place where you have a little time and are in a good space, then I would be very appreciative, but right now, healing yourself is most important.

G-d needs you to become who he envisioned for you and that's most important.

I can say this...

I cant imagine someone haveing worse ways of dealing with their emotions than I do.

Its not that you dont know they are there, you just dont resolve them. You bury them by a variety of unhealthy means, and they are always with you and build and build and build and drag you down with them. Thats what happened to me.

I would also love to tell you how to change that, but I am not changed. I went from one extreme to the other. I showed nothing my entire life, and now I seem to get emotional if the wind blows too hard. Although I am getting better, i have healthy outlets now I feel safe with. It took me hitting rock bottom to realize those outlets were there all along, I just did not make use of them.

Was the A, one way of dealing with your feelings?

Well, I never thought about it in that way before. So let me tell an abbreivated portion of our story.. leaving out where I was misguided and just sticking to what I was feeling at that time.

Well in a nutshell I felt totally and utterly rejected by my wife sexually and for a long time. I tried to make her love me again by buying books on "better sex" ways couples can become more intitate,a sex diet book because she was unhappy with herself physically (i though this was a GREAT idea!), etc etc etc... I just assumed it was a problem with me, not good enough in bed, not physically attractive, so my efforts were to fix the sex issue and only the sex issue.

Obviously this did not work and lead to unplesant conversations about her past lovers, their um assets, and how could she have not had these issues with them but with me. She told me it was her not me but I never believed her. I was jelous of every male friend she had, even ones she had not seen in years.

All this led me to believe the problem was with myself physcially, sexually, you name it. I had no self worth. Its hard for man not to be able to please his wife in that way, it really is.

So, after this went on for a while, the new girl started at work. All innoscent enough, she liked skiing, i liked skiing, so we skiied. At first there was nothing emotional at all, but as the weekly trips went on, we grew closer and closer and started talking about out personal lives not only on trips but texting too. You see where this is going, eventually it became physical. We felt safe with each other.

So was it a way to deal with my emotions? I guess it was. I wont lie, she made me feel good, she wanted me, and I thought if wife does not want me someone else does.

I suppose it was a way to resolve my feeling of rejection.

I hope that was not too much,I will edit if you think it is, but I though to answer your question required some context of where I was at that time.

Oh no thanks, Silver. I appreciate you taking the time to give me information.

How much research have you done on here with respect to EN's?

Ive read the basic concepts, read surviving an affair, and most of Love Busters.

I do know now that I will not filling her EN's which caused the sex issue to begin with.

See, this is why I did not want to post in your thread with "my story"... I did not want to detract from your post.


Yet here we are doing it ourselves!