Neak's post explained a little about the giver and taker. I think there is more here on this site, and also in the book "The One" or "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders".

First of all, good job on using protection.

Second of all, there are some here who think you shouldn't "reward" a WH with SF but in my mind Plan A is all about meeting ENs and if SF is high on his list, you want it to be YOU making those deposits, baby! Also some folks have a real hard time with SF, getting the OP out of their brain. You seem to be able to focus on the H you know is buried in there somewhere, and if you're able to do SF with him I say GO FOR IT.

I hadn't thought of it when I read your post, but Jayne's idea that he might be putting out feelers on how to come home is a very good insight. If (when) he does something like that again, it's a great chance to lightly lay out requirements for him coming home: NC with OW, marriage counseling (or whatever your requirements are - probably ought to think about that so you know what to say and don't stumble around w/the words).

You asked if you can ask him to come home? I wouldn't, and here's why: if YOU have to ask him, then he's not yet in the right frame of mind where he WANTS to come home and he's WILLING to do the work of cleaning up after his mistakes. When he's ready to roll up his sleeves and commit to the M, he'll be asking to come home. In fact, he may ask before he's really ready to commit, in which case you'll have to tell him "Not yet." If you have to ask him, he's not ready.

You ARE the poster child for these plans, you know.

Someones going to get a swell head

Awe thanks! I'm glad to be a poster child, was worried I may have damaged my rep. LOL.

Yes I kinda flirted and perused H, I mean let me just say 6 months to you. The 1st time he said well your going to call OW. I said you know I've had her # for 6 months and how much have I called her. (2 times early in the get go).

Then he said well how are you going to be emotionally? I responded, great I'll kick you out when I'm done LOL(sounds mean but its part of my 180-showing independence and initiating sex). Then he says well then I would be a cheater again, to which I reply Well sorry I don't know about you but I'm married to you and your married to me so.....Then he was like, Ok.

I am not allowing my self to get emotionally tied up and am aware that it can go either way. I have NO EXPECTATION. and as sad as it may sound I am getting my physical needs met. Yes he has a high sexual need, its #1 on the list.
The great thing is I've always had the ability to see treasure inside individuals that most people would write off-in fact it used to drive my H nuts. I'm naturally a optimist and he's a pessimist.
This Plan A is by far way easier than the 1st 5 months of angry fits, blame, justification, verbal lashing out that he did to me. I can handle this better. Yes it's really nice to have him around and he feels like the person I knew, but always, NO EXPECTATIONS.
My Pastor has been praying over this for 6 months with me, and I have been letting him know about all you guys, I tell him your my mentors. He asked how it was going, I said how transparent would you like, he said very. SO I told him yeah M cheated on her, his eyes got big and I said don't worry it was with me. Told him that H was worried about being a cheater again but I explained how we were married and he said you are exactly right and there is no condemnation to you. So I feel ok. It may not be for everyone, and It's not for me to say. I just know for me, its going ok, but only because I have NO EXPECTATIONS and I tell my self it can go either way and I don't fool myself.

Anyways thanks for everyones continued support. Hes actually here at the house now. He took us to lunch after sons game and then decided to stop by for a while.
Well better go before I get caught on here....update later if needed....

Gurl!!! NO swell head, he ain't even home yet!!!! I can only consider that when my manz gets his booteh home!!! LMAO..

Okay, so he just left at 10:15 PM. Around 4 he said he would be leaving in an hour I said no problem. But he never left.
He looked really tired, so I said I can make you some coffee or you are welcome to sleep on the couch(in front of kids). He says well I have reports to do for work.

So 10:15 rolls around, he says I gotta go DS10 starts to look down and get sad, I say(in front of H) DS how ya doing, and I look at H as if he's getting sad. H knows that son is in therapy for the anxiety all this has caused. He hugs dad and i send him off to get ready for bed so he doesn't have to watch dad go.
H gives me a long hug, I walk him out and he says he'll be here at 1:30 tomorrow, and he gives me a lil peck and I tease him and say that's the biggest kiss I get so he gives me a big one (whoo hooo!) LOL

Then H texts me is DS ok? I tell him he was a little sad and i redirected his thoughts, he did ask why you did not stay and i told him you had reports but DS said that maybe you didn't hear me ask you to stay. I also say Thank you for taking time to teach DS10 how to shuffle cards, you were so patient it really blessed me to watch you and I can see how it warms my son's heart.

Texts back, I love those kids. I say I know you do and "WE" all love you. He responds, you are a great mother. I try, they are my babies. I say awe, that means a lot coming from you, thank you. I wish I was had been a better wife to you too.(is that ok to say??)

His response??? Goodnight-kinda weird huh?(any thoughts anyone?)

Well pooped, More Plan A'ing tomorrow.....

It all sounds good to me, in fact it sounds pretty much perfect.

Your doing good, he's having 2nd thoughts, whatever is going on with OW it doesnt ivolve him spending alot of time with her.
I am pretty sure he'll come back at some stage, but the way their relationship looks...I KNOW they are not going to last

This is so good!

WH wants out of his affair with OW.

There, I said it.

He does not see any way out.

Next opportunity say to WH

Are you looking for a way home, back to the family who loves you and needs you?

What if I knew someone who could help us to make this marriage happy and successful?


Keep on message - OW is toilet-bound - NEVER mention her - pretend she is a flea

Good job, just keep hanging in there. The better Plan A you do, the more he will miss home in Plan B. Actually I think your timing will be good. This time of year is EXCELLENT for Plan B, what with all of the holidays.

It will be harder for you, but also very hard on him.

Awesome feed back guys. To alls of yous

Ok so he didn't leave til really late last night, I don't think he intended to as he said he was leaving around 5. He doesn't leave until 10 with an hour drive home.
SOOOOO-he canceled on us today! He was supposed to come back over and hang out about 2pm. He says I know your gonna kill me but I m really tired and need a full day of rest. My DS10 is sad, they kids are talking to each other blaming it on OW. I think they may be right. I'm guessing (of course only speculation) that OW may have gotten irate and so he may have made demands for him to stay. I wish I was a fly on the wall. Who knows maybe he was just tired and needed the rest. He did seem tired and I'm sure all this lying is draining him. I told him last night he could stay on the couch, so now the kids are mad because they know he could have stayed. I tell them I don't know what to tell you guys. If he calls just let him know how you feel. I said nothing except ok I understand, DS10 is upset maybe you can call him in a little. I didn't see this coming after all that text talk(previous post) about loving the kids so much(which I'm sure he does love em just not as much as his own needs). Anyways made a decision to not let it ruin the day, I think I'm going to take a little nappy pooh and enjoy the lovely Southern California weather.


April 23rd he tells me-discovery-he leaves. He comes back 3 days later to visit, but decides to satay breaks it off with OW(I listen) he then destroys the phone. He says to me during the 2 weeks he was home before he finally left, that he felt so bad for OW because she didn't need this in her life, it was already hard enough and can we give her money.
So I say all this because I think that he may actually want out, but now feels responsible. But then again, I'm sure there is something of him that may still like her, I'm not sure. I actually had the thought of asking him if he needed a fall guy so he wouldn't need to feel bad or responsible for her, but then dismissed the thought cuz I thought I was crazy.

So scary to think that Plan B may not work in the way i would like it to. I know either way that Plan B works even when it doesn't but whew still a lot to think about for the kids and I to again endure over the Holidays.

Anyways we are all just a little bummed out he's not coming over, but kinda said oh well. :RollieEyes:

I had thought maybe he wanted out, but yet he still lives with OW, but spends time with us. He has finished everyone of those darn chores. No his visits are for visiting.

So your saying to point blank ask are you looking for a way home?

And if I do who is the someone who could help us make the marriage happy and successful(sorry I'm slow, is that SAA?)

Oh, I'm certain the OW had something to do with him not coming over. And he said he had work to do too. Plus, he has been spending tons of his free time with you. Let her be the warden, LOL.

Rest up and enjoy the rest of the day with the kids.

The OW is probably LB'ing her heart out. I wouldn't contact him. I read on the OW board, and one of the things they HATE the most is when the WS spends time with the family.

She might even think that he had SF with you. That would be MOST EXCELLENT.

LOL that made me giggle.

Well one can only hope her lil ole pea brain can figure out that he had SF with me! LOLOLOL

Hopefully he does a bad job at explaining or lying whooo hoooo!

Nope not gonna contact him today! I am actually looking forward to the nap all this darn Plan A'ing is exhausting!

Hey I was thinking about starting a new post but all you guys may know the answer. So my question is, do you guys of any recovery stories that started Plna B during the holidays?

Well, no recovery story, but I went into Plan B about September, and heard absolutely NOTHING from WH until 2 days before Christmas when he called me at work and announced that he was in the process of moving back home.

Only problem was that he still wanted to stay in contact with the OW, so I kept him out.

Well I had a great Sunday nap!

H just sent a text page, almost 6 PM. He asked if DS10 was any better(abt his canceling plans on us today).
Below is our convo via text. Mind you he said he would call in 20 minutes after he canceled, to talk with son-he never did.

H: Is DS10 any better?

T2L: not really, he was very disappointed and surprisingly so was DD17.

H: well I did spend all of Saturday(UH hello? anyone there, isn't that what all full time at home fathers do??)and I'm behind on reports and was exhausted we can always do this another day, I know you guys don't understand.

T2L: I understand and know how hard you work and needed rest. I agree its hard for kids to understand. Don't be too upset with kids they want their dad and its very hard for them

H: Goodnight

T2L: I'm grateful for the time you spent with us yesterday we had such a good time with you, we enjoyed you. It's just very hard for our son hes only 10 and he wants his dad, No worries ok.

T2L: G'night babe, I'm glad you got rest and caugth up. Thanks for all you've done. Please don't be too upset with the kids they just want their dad and are doing the best they can, they're awesome kids.


UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG So how was my response? I think he's really mad at us? I mean why? He said he'd come over, he didn't, kids got disappointed, he asked, I told him, he got mad! Are we wrong? Should the kids have just said no biggie?

Okay so he's irritated with me, I mean I tried hard not to commit LB's when the truth in fact is I could have committed atrocities in huge LB proportions forget breaking the Love Bank, I'm wanted to go for the National Treasure!!! So what now. DD17 is ticked off pretty bad, she thinks its OW. Kids had planned to go to Regan Library so they were disappointed.

So what now? I'm trying to hear him, he says we don't understand. We as a family always wanted to be near daddy-all of us. He got so busy with work this new job he's had for 2 years, that he never had or wanted to put much effort into spending time with us especially kids. I think he see's this more and has admitted he's been a bad father. But his complaint was we don't understand. So I say all this to not commit LB, but is it so wrong for us to want to spend time with him. It's like what works for him is great and anything else doesn't matter or he gets angry about it. One good thing, he didn't go crazy angry. I felt like he wanted to but thank God he didn't.
Now what? Do I contact 1st or wait for him to? He shuts down alot and I worry if I don't reach out at some point he may not. I would like my Plan A to go til Nov 15th.
He was supposed to come over on Thursday and carve pumpkins and then trick or treating on Friday. I would like to confirm so DS10 doesn't get his hopes up.

This one is easy.

He's feeling guilty for letting DS10 down, so he takes it out on you.

But you don't care because you are the thermostat and the lighthouse. You will keep doing Plan A whether he's a lovey-poo or a poopie-head.

Whew.... thanks....I'm the light house. I think I'd fall over with out my mentors! I mean really! You guys are a huge blessing and my light house! I surely could not do this with out you guys, I feel like I'm that Verizon commercial where the whole network is standing behind the guy LOL. I mean really!

Plan A awaying......

You did a great job not LBing! Let OW do all that! I bet he caught some real flack from her and that's why he stayed away, but he felt guilty esp. about DS. Like turtle said, he took it out on you. You NOT LBing prolly turned the screws even more. He *wanted* you to not understand. He wanted to be able to say "My wife just doesn't understand me." But you offered him understanding.

Next time he does come over, can you make sure to get some perfume or lipstick on his clothes somewhere? Do you ever wear any of that glitter make-up? Without being obvious of course!

Can you hear me now?