I'm not sure if you are disagreeing with me or expounding on the idea by telling him what he could tell his wife. I think, in this instance, revealing the imminent consequences will be sufficient (rather than making her experience them) to end the affair. Unless she is that deluded to think that she has a future with a 22 year old male cheerleader. I am a fan of exposure, but in this case, I think she will ultimately respect his restraint in allowing her to leave the profession with her name intact. That is ONLY if she makes the right choice immediately.



You may have misunderstood me here. I am supporting the same choice that MyRev offered. Tell her she comes home now, or prepare for the consequences. If I gave my wife a choice between coming home and working on her marriage to having a weekend fling with a college cheerleader and she chose to stay. Good bye and good riddance. There would be no coming home and apologizing after that. She would be coming home and looking for new employment after being fired from her job.


We are in agreement there. I just meant after he had exposed to his wife, he didn't need to expose to the school just yet, but he definitely needs to expose to the OM.


I agree. It feels good to extract some measure of flesh from the OM, but objectively speaking, it is not necessarily the best thing to do for your marriage. If you have forced an end to the affair, exposing out of maliciousness will not likely win you any points with your wife, if that is your goal. If the affair has ended and you are working on getting her through withdrawal, I think it will go considerably faster if you behaving in a way that she will respect. Yes, its kind of twisted, but its realistic.

MyRev,

You are too kind. I think he should listen to all of the advice, but he needs to make a plan.

mgolfer,

Notice items 3 and 4 on my list. I think they were three and four. One says you have a lot of control of how this turns out, and the other says you have no control of her. They seem contradictory don't they?

The state of your marriage is something you had a role in. Your participation in this marriage positive or negative is something you had/have control of. Your W's decision to have an affair, is something you have NO RESPOSIBILITY FOR. I mean NONE.

YOu do have control of how you enforce your boundaries. YOu have control over you commitment to trying to save this marriage. You have control over your decision to remain in this marriage. These things will influence if your marriage survives.

Your W has control over having an affair or not. She has clearly no control over how she protects her boundaries, thus the marriage and the family. For the marriage to survive she must decide what her boundaries are and enforce them. She has control over her decision to stay or leave, just as you do. She has control over how much effort she will put in and whether or not she will pay the price.

This last statement sounds like revenge. It is not. You don't have to worry about revenge. Exposure will hurt her...and you. She will NOT be the cheerleader coach much longer no matter what she decides because the University via you and your lawyer (get a good lawyer NOW) will know about this. If she is basically a good woman, she will come to see how this hurt the children, you, and her family. You don't have to seek revenge. If you take her back and she does assist in rebuilding this marriage, her affair will haunt her for years.

So take revenge off of the table. It will cross your mind many times. You must understand this is a lot like playing poker or fishing. Part of how recovery will go, and what you should do in detail is dependent on your nature. The general plan (exposure, plan A, plan B, etc.) work no matter what. Will this plan save your marriage? I don't know. I do know it gives you the best chance.

I mentioned nature. Some folks play poker, and like to go all in whenever they can. Others like to check, and see what the other is doing, trying to lure them out. Some bluff, some wait on good hands. It is part personality.

Some of the folks you have heard from are more of the "all in" types, others a bit more cautious.

HOWEVER, NO ONE has ever won a poker hand folding, or never betting. Exposure is the opening bet, YOU MUST PLAY IT TO WIN.

The only issue is how big a bet do you make. Some are saying push "all in", personally I prefer a more modest wager, tell her parents, your parents and clergy, and with legal assistance tell the University, after you explain to the University needs her out of there NOW.

There are more you can expose to. Surely OM's family. Her friends, her work, and on it goes. My choice is leave those until you get her reaction. Remember exposure is to end the affair. If what you do today ends it, then exposure is over. If not, then there is more to do.

Just remember you want to have a plan at all times. You need to understand where she is coming from as best you can. Work the plan and the outline and details of the plan are here on this site. Use it, work it, and be prepared to have your flanks attacted.

I think it is obvious that alot of people are willing to try and assist you in offering their points of view, their experiences, and their wisdom. Seek it, listen to it all, and then take it and fit it into your plan. If something doesn't fit, don't worry not everything we are going to tell you will be dead on, but you will be absolutely amazed how much the folks here get right.

Why are we soooooo good? It is because it seems as if the Wayward spouse, WS, read from the same script and the opening salvo in this attact on your marriage is very often the ever poplular "I love you but I am not in love with you." I do believe you have already heard that one. You will here more.

If you want to have some fun (in a very sad way) ask the folks here about what they heard from their spouses. There are whole threads on this utterences and they are remarkable for their similarity. The reason the Harley approach works is because while all people differ in many ways, their behavior during and after an affair is remarkably common.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Slight T/J:

Hi JL!!

mg71,

FYI--I am the FWW of MyRevelation. You may not want to hear from a FWW, and if after you read my post you prefer that I don't post any more, I will respect your wishes. However, I am going to try to give you a little perspective.

First of all, the advice you have received from my DH, JL, etal., is SPOT ON. You need to stop this sh&t immediately, and you've got to be strong, confident, and assured with the fact that you are TOTALLY IN THE RIGHT here. You need to stand up NOW and don't pussyfoot around and please, NO HAND WRINGING!!

On our D-Day, MyRev immediately made me choose, and it shocked the he77 out of me. I had convinced myself that he didn't really care about me, but boy, was I wrong! That act of confronting me and standing tall, confident and firm really helped me see what kind of a man that he is/was, and what I would be giving up if I hadn't come to my senses. It really shocked me back into reality rather quickly.

My point is this--show your wife that you are strong, confident, and assertive--DO NOT beg, whine, or grovel. Weak men ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE. If you confront her on this quickly (and I'm genuinely hoping that you are on your way to doing something right this minute), you have a good chance of giving her a reality jolt, and most importantly, a good chance of saving your marriage, if that is your wish. I am so thankful and grateful that MR stood up to me immediately. I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I am so very lucky that he stuck with me, when he had the choice not to. I truly cannot imagine my life without him. I'm hoping for you and your family's sake that your WW will feel that way someday too.

Good luck, and in the words of my husband,

GO GET "EM!!

PS--if you pay any attention to ONE PERSON on this site, please listen to JustLearning. He has helped me and MR so much, that it is unbelievable.

Mg,
I hope everything went as well as it could have yesterday. My thoughts are with you in such an awful situation.

Andrew

Us too, Andrew.

Fogfree and I have been wondering and thinking of mg71. I may be wrong because we don't have much of a profile on him yet, but he just came across as a good guy in a terrible situation and it appeared that he was going to proactively address it. I can only assume that's why we haven't heard from him ... more than likely he's a-hole deep in alligators about now, and we all know how bad that sucks and are feeling for him right now.

Good Luck to you, mg71.

my thoughts have been with this man all day yesterday and last night. I was hoping for an update but UNDERSTAND (if he did what he wanted to do yesterday) that he is in a true hell right now. Just thinking about those times in my life.....makes me want to throw up knowing how torn apart they are right now. I hope that he will let us know how things are going.

I thought I would give an update and see if anyone can tell me where to go from here. First, thanks for all of the replies on Friday. I was ready to just give up but after reading everyone’s post I decided to at least try to salvage my marriage.

I arranged for one of my assistants to cover my weekend responsibilities at work and went home at lunch on Friday. I printed off all of the emails and pictures and hid them in a secure place. I also copied all of them onto my laptop. At that point, it was too late to confront OM because he was already in route to the game. But I did find his parents names and contact info on my wife’s emergency contact list and I sent an email telling them that their son was having an inappropriate relationship with my wife and asking for their help to stop it. I also sent them copies of several of the most incriminating emails and told them that my kids deserved better than this.

I then sent my wife an email with several of the pictures attached and told her that I knew what was going on. I told her that I had a file prepared that included all of her emails with OM and all of the pictures and that I was on my way to deliver them to the athletic director and the university president if she didn’t contact me immediately. I then sent her a text and told her that I was sending her an urgent email and to please read it immediately.

I was amazed at how calm I was able to stay. She called me within minutes yelling about me invading her privacy, that I had no right to spy on her, that they were just friends and I just misunderstood. I let her rant on for a few minutes and then calmly told her that she can deny and shift blame all she wants to but that didn’t change the facts. I then told her that she had exactly 7 hours to be sitting in our house or I would email the file to the university officials. She tried to say that it was impossible to get home that fast, but I just told her that it was a 6 hour drive and that I was giving her an hour to rent a car and get underway.

After I hung up with her, I sent the file to the athletic director and university president anyway. I really struggled with this, but I really couldn’t see her ever recovering while still working in that environment. I keep trying to convince myself that it was the right thing to do, but I still feel like I may have done it more for revenge than just because it was the right thing to do.

She did make it home in about 7 hours, but she has spent most of the weekend in the basement pouting. She’s still trying to convince me that they were just friends that got a “little” carried away, but that nothing ever happened between them. I’m just getting ready for the backlash after she gets to work today and finds out that I sent the file to her bosses. She is completely not interested in talking about any of this. She told me I was overreacting when I told her she needed to give up her cheerleading position. Can someone please explain how I’m the bad guy in this situation?

I’m really having mixed emotions about all of this now. My first instinct was to fight for her and break up this affair. But, I’m starting to question whether I can ever get past this. Just the sound of her voice at this point makes me ill. If it wasn’t for my kids I think I may have just kicked her out this weekend.

You are in a hard place now. Take peace in that you have done the right thing.

WW's always get angry and lash out when exposed. Expect it and ignore it. Do not engage her in kind.

Give her 1 chance to PROVE her claims. She has admitted to being inappropriate....SHE has caused this...even if she hasn't had sex with him (trust me, she has!).

Schedule a polygraph exam for her. That will prove her lies.

Quite honestly, she should NOT be going to work today. Most likely she will, and should, lose her job.

YOU are NOT the bad guy here. YOU are the one fighting for your wife and kids. NEVER forget that.

Do not believe anything your wife is telling you. She is a liar that should NOT be trusted. No matter her OPINION about you "overreacting"...you are doing the right thing.


Not talking allows her to keep her lies hidden....or so she thinks.

BTW, your wife has ZERO rights to secrecy. That is what she is mad about. She wanted you to not interfere in her little dirty secret.

Keep shining the light of exposure on this affair.

Polygraph is your best bet right now...otherwise you will deal with months or years of lies.

What was the response of your in-laws. Realize they will likely side with her and think you are overreacting. Don't fall for it.

MG71:

You will hear all about how it is "your fault"

She made the choice to get inappropriate with someone she shouldn't have. That was HER choice.

Excellent job this weekend. All the way around.

You drove a serious stake into the "just friends" thing.

Your WW may react two ways:

1. Realize that she HAD gone "too far" and thank you for bringing her back from the edge. It might not happen right away, but it might happen soon. This indicates that she wasn't TOO FAR gone.

2. She will be HORRIBLE to you about ruining "EVERYTHING" SHe was ready to "END IT" and "FIX IT" but now you have "GONE TO FAR" and "HOW CAN SHE EVER TRUST YOU!" (Yeah, that's a good one...) And then she will try to salvage an save the remments of this A and go down a path of destruction of herself and her family.

I hope she does #1. That does give you best chance of recovering quickly.

You might have to listen to some "Fog-speak" for the next couple of days. As others have mentioned, you need to grin and bear it. Be calm. Tell her that you here to FIX this. You will do whatever it takes to FIX THIS. Don't raise your voice. But do listen. Let her talk. She needs someone to talk to. And if that person is YOU, that's all for the better. She may say some things that really p!ss you off, but remember, she is in the fog, and will regret later many of the things she is saying now if she returns and the fog burns off.

Once again, excellent job this weekend.

I think you have an excellent chance to recover this.

LG

mg71,

I KNOW you feel like crap this morning and are questioning everything that has happened and that you have done ... this is NORMAL, or at least as normal as this whole nightmare gets. We've all experienced it, and it SUCKS, but YOU HAVE TAKEN THE ACTIONS to make it better in the future.

Fogfree is as quality of a lady as you will ever meet, but she made one HUGE mistake and it completely changed her personality for several weeks. I still hear a specific phrase she said during this period in my head WAY TOO OFTEN. She is now completely amazed, ashamed and embarrassed at the words that came out of her mouth during this "crazy" period. Some here call it "fog", but in my mind its closer to a form of "insanity" albeit temporary, in the cases that recover.

If it is any consolation, the words that your WW has said so far, are basically the EXACT same words that I heard at first.

PREPARE yourself mentally for the words that will come out of your WW's mouth later today. She WILL be completely irrational. Recognize that they will be coming and "detach" yourself from them as much as possible ... and believe me, IT WILL NOT BE EASY, because they will be so personal.

NOW ...

Take a deep breath and let yourself absorb what has happened, and take a little time to prop up your own self-respect.

YOU have acted in a very RESPECTABLE manner, and you should be PROUD of how you have handled the worst situation you will EVER face. You have stood tall, and set reasonable boundaries for your WW, and you have been willing to enforce those boundaries. You have exposed to those who have the MOST influence in stopping this A, and you have not backed down in the face of your WW's wrath.

FWIW, since we're all just anonymous internet posters brought together through a common bond, but you have earned my RESPECT as a fellow BH, and I'd say that I speak for the majority of the BH's out there who have read of your story and actions.

REMEMBER, you have done NOTHING wrong, you have taken the high road, and are proceeding from the position of "RIGHT".

Good Luck to you on a day that will get worse before things can get better.

MG

You did the right thing. If there is a chance of R you kept it alive by exposing this A.

She will be livid when she finds out that you sent the emails. Expect it. Do not apologize for doing it. You did it to stop their A. Exposure is/was your best weapon.

She will blame YOU for everything. Expect that too. Do not listen to her words, they will be venom. She is like a drug addict and you are interfering with her getting her fix. Approach it that way. She's going to rewrite your M history. She will say she never loved you or you shouldn't have gotten M, blah, blah, blah. These are all lies that she will spew. It helps her justify her actions. DO NOT LISTEN. Stay calm. Tell her that you are trying to protect your family. End of story. I repeat...Do NOT apologize for exposing or for finding those emails. There are NO secrets in a M.


For the next few days she will be like a crazy person. Go about your business. Don't talk R with her. You won't get anywhere. Take one day at a time. Continue to keep an eye on things. With her attitude you can expect her to try to continue to contact OM. She needs her fix. Watch her actions. She's going to lie to you, so her words mean nothing right now.

Right now the biggest thing is to get NC established. She obviously doesn't want to stop contact. It's a hurdle that has to be crossed before any R can begin. So your focus should be on:

Protecting your kids.
Protecting your assets.
Ignoring her angry outbursts.
Fighting this battle calmly and strategically.
Establishing NC.

Here's a helpful list about Plan A.

___________________________________________________________

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

I know you are in a terrible place today but you did the right thing. You were a Man with a capital M. You protected your children and you claimed your wife as your own.

Now just brace yourself for the firestorm about her job. When she lays into you just smirk at her and tell her to explain to her boss that 'nothing happened' just like she told you!

Do something nice for yourself today. Take the kids for ice cream.

IMO she likely spent most of that time trying to figure out a way to "spin" her bad behaviour to all the persons that now know about it.

You did well. The only thing I might have done differently is to indicate the existence of the inappropriate images and e-mails without actually providing them, and if called upon to show the evidence, I would show them in person, rather than providing them by e-mail. I don't how inappropriate those images are, but they have ways of being forward and forwarded and eventually ending up in the public domain.



That's easy - your WW needs to blame someone for her behaviour, for her choices.

Regarding the topic of whether you should save your M or not ... keep in mind that this will always be YOUR choice and option.

WW's are a completely different animal, but much easier to predict whether they are worth fighting for or not.

You have done GREAT ... give your plan a day or two to see how your WW reacts. LG's possible scenario's of her reactions are spot on ... you will know soon enough whether you are dealing with a WW with the "right stuff" to recover or whether Plan D is indeed your best option.

My best GUESS is that your WW was in this "fling" for the excitement and spice. I can't see many rational women in her position feeling that they would have a long term romantic future with a KID. So I see a situation that is optomistic for her to recommit to the M, "IF" you had a good, stable, loving M pre-A. The next few days will likely answer those questions.

Stay STRONG ... Stay CALM ... and Stay FOCUSED.

MG71,
Very well done. You have been forced into a terrible situation and you responded by showing you have a great deal of character and strength.

Please take to heart the words you have read in the previous few posts and prepare yourself mentally to weather the storm that is about to hit. Your wife is going to be livid to find out that you sent the details to the Athletics Director and almost certainly ended her career. But you had the right idea when you said "I don't see recovery as possible if she works in that environment." She is going to accuse you of everything from being a terrible husband to assassinating JFK, but just keep repeating to her that you would not be able to recover your marriage if she continued employment in that capacity. If your marriage cannot be recovered, her career possibilities are not your problem anyways.

Your instincts have served you right thus far, so stick to them and you will either come out of this with a remorseful wife and a recovering marriage, or the pride that goes along with doing the right thing in the face of oppressive hardship. And as Mr. Wondering excellently stated, you are demonstrating to your 9 year old son just how a man should react in those conditions.

Be proud.

I'm very proud of you.

You did what I didn't have the strength to do.

You did the right thing.

Remember this:

SHE created this problem. SHE went above and beyond what was right.

SHE is the one who engaged in innappropriate behavior.

But she's is going to try very hard to blame you.

She is going to try to say this is your fault.

SHE was the one who stepped out of line with a child and abused her position.

Now, you're being forewarned and she had a very predictable response. She said that you violated her privacy.

Respond with this:

I didn't violate your privacy. I violated your secrecy. There's a difference. Privacy is closing the door when you use the restroom. Secrecy is engaging in activity which will hurt your marriage and keeping any such activities quiet from your spouse, who you know won't approve of such activities.

Secrecy is damaging to a marriage and there should be no secrets in a marriage. The presence of such secrets shows that you are engaging in things which you would be outraged to learn about if the situation was reversed.

Say that and watch the "deer in the headlights" look.

Watch at that point as she attempts to shift the blame or change the subject.

You did not violate her privacy. You invaded her secrecy.

Big difference.

There should be no secrets in a marriage and you should both be an open book to each other.

I hope I’m doing the right thing. I just went to the bank and had her name removed from my account. We both have separate accounts and we also have 1 joint account that we each fund to pay the household bills based a percentage of our salaries. We can each sign on the other’s personal account, but I had her removed as an authorized signatory this morning. It may be unnecessary, but I expect a firestorm when reality starts to rain down on her.

I also got a return email this morning from OM’s father. He thanked me for letting them in on what was going on. He also warned me that he had contacted the athletic director’s office and informed them of what’s going on and demanding action from them. He apologized if this caused me any problems but said that he didn’t feel like he had any other choice. He also said that he had a long conversation with his son and made it clear to him that this relationship was totally unacceptable. I understand where he’s coming from. I would be furious if that were my son and someone in authority over him put him in that position. But it still make’s me angry that she’s put me, her, and our family in this position.

I’ve made arrangements for the kids to stay with my parents for the next few days so that they are insulated from the fallout. I’ve been trying to prepare myself for the fallout, but it still makes me physically ill every time I think out about any of this. My first instinct is still to just file for D and make her pay for what she’s done, but I feel like I at least owe it to my kids to try. If it doesn’t work out, I can at least tell them that I did everything in my power to keep our family together.

You did GREAT!!

The *only* thing I would have done differently is "I told her that I had a file prepared that included all of her emails with OM and all of the pictures" -- I would not have revealed my sources. I'd have said I was going to expose the A to the athletic director and university president. She will almost certainly get a secret email account now, so put a keylogger on the computer and expect it.

My first instinct was to fight for her and break up this affair. But, I’m starting to question whether I can ever get past this.
Your feelings will be all over the map for quite a while. The general rule of thumb bandied about here is "Don't make any serious decisions for at least six months" and that is, IMO, a very good suggestion. You can ALWAYS divorce later. Do your best and ride out this storm. See what emerges on the other side of six months. You have nothing to lose, really, and you stand to gain a strong marriage with decent boundaries.

Your W will tell you she came home ready to give up OM and work on the M but now that you told the authorities, it's all over, there's no hope, and -- my personal favorite -- she can never trust you again. When she lambastes you and throws blame at you, tell her "I'll do whatever it takes to save my marriage" and then change the subject. She's looking for a fight so she can blame you for everything that is wrong in her life right now. Don't fall for her bait.

Your wife will be withdrawn and depressed for a while - a couple of weeks or so. Don't expect much from her at all during this time. This is a good time to read up on Plan A. Learn about Emotional Needs (ENs) and Love Busters (LBs). Meet her top 3 ENs and eliminate all LBs from your repertoire.

You did GREAT.
The exposure was wonderful, and to all the key people.
Making her come home instead of going to her was excellent.

I think your chances for a recovered marriage are quite good. It won't happen overnight, but in your case I do think it will happen if you want it to.

Most BS lose weight after discovery. It's called the A diet or the BS diet around here. You can't make yourself not be sick, but do try to get some healthy calories in your body, drink fluids, exercise, and get rest. Just do the best you can.

Because you have children, I encourage you to try, for at least six months. I think you'll be surprised how hateful your wife can be, and later you'll be thankful at how wonderful your marriage can become, provided you and your W both decide to invest in it.

Give it time. Take care of yourself.