Yep, the feces is about to impact the rotary oscillator.

Don’t get drawn into her wrath. Stay cool and collected.

You have done all the right things so far to give your marriage any shot at surviving.

Stay gunfighter cool.

The consequences she is about to encounter were from her choices not yours.

Good Job. As of right now and due to YOUR ACTIONS this A is effectively DEAD. OM is no doubt terrified after his Dad had a talk with him and then "good ole Dad" dropped the nuke on the Athletic Department himself.

Now, if your WW wants to blast you for going to the University officials, you can truthfully say that is a moot point, as OM's Dad exposed her to AD anyway, regardless of your actions. Just stay calm and tell her ... "Your actions caused this, not mine".

The only real marital questions remaining are whether your WW will become a remourseful, repentent, and fully engaged "Former" Wayward Wife (FWW) AND whether you are interested in recovering your M, even is she is???

Have you had any communication from WW today after she went in to work?

Your wife has to know she was nothing but a M.I.L.F to this 22 year old. You can bet he shared her pictures with his friends.She will say no he would not do that!!! But we have all been 22 yr old males and he would want to show proof to his friends. She's going to be mad as a hornet's nest for awhile but she knows you mean business. She can try a lessen this and state you overreacted. But the I Love You but am Not In Love With You(ILYBNILWY)statement, coupled with a probably severely reduced sex-life (I am assuming), plus the emails and pictures etc. All equals an affair not matter the type.

She also know you will go completely nuclear if she decides to leave you.....sending to family and friends etc!!

One more thing that I didn't see mentioned that is an all too common mistake and always backfires:

DO NOT tell your wife about this site!!!

It is YOUR support system and needs to remain under radar.

Once your wife has truly agreed to Marital Recovery and all its conditions, then you consider bringing her here.

You are doing all the right things. Remember, it was HER choice not yours to let things get out of hand. You are fighting to save your marriage. She has no right to be mad at you for the consequences of HER ACTIONS. Good Job, keep talking to us and keep your head up. We can walk with you and will be thinking and praying for you and your son and your marriage.

Perfect. I know this is probably embarrassing for you, it would be for me, but you know what? YOU didn't cause any of this. This is part of the fall out from HER choices. You are trying to save your marriage and the things you are doing are HONORABLE.

You're doing great and so far everything is right on track... even her sulking. Be prepared for the firestorm... but I'm not too worried about you. Seems like you've got a good handle on things.

Good job!

I’m sorry you’re here my friend, but I’ve been where you’re sitting and I thought I would give you a little warning about what to expect. I too exposed my WW to her employer and she was promptly fired along with her OM boss. So, here’s the progression of what you’re likely to hear:

I thought we could work this out, but now that you’ve ruined my career you’ve blown any chance of that.

A week or 2 later you may hear, “I understand why you’re upset, but you really went too far when you got me fired. I just don’t know if I can ever forgive you for that.”

A little later you may hear, “I’m sorry that I hurt you. I just wish you could have worked things out with me one-to-one instead of involving my company.”

Finally, if you’re lucky you’ll hear, “I was totally wrong for what I did and I really love you for standing up for our marriage.”

There’s no guarantee that it’ll work out like that, but you have a greater chance of success in recovering your marriage since you acted swiftly and decisively. You’ll know in a few weeks if things have a chance. If you don’t see any change in her during that time, she is likely too lost in her fog or still in her affair and just hiding it better.

I’m a firm believer that as the BS we have a right to set high expectations for our WS’s when it comes to recovery. I just don’t see the point of doing all of this work and enduring all of this pain if the marriage that I end up with isn’t better than the marriage I started with before the affair. I really believe that one of the key ingredients to successfully recovering a marriage is to reach a point where you would rather divorce than settle for anything less than the best. No Compromise.

Good luck and you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Well, I’ve had an interesting day and I’m getting ready for a difficult night. My wife’s athletic director called to ask some questions about the files I sent him on Friday. He didn’t tell me exactly what was going to happen but he did warn me that he had talked with the university president and that they were planning on taking “drastic” action to remedy this situation quickly. I assume that means that they will fire her. I am trying to get myself ready mentally to deal with her tonight.

This is my day off, so I spent it moving all of her belongings to the quest room in the basement. I don’t know what I’m going to do long term, but I just need a little space from her right now. The kids are spending the week at my parent’s house to insulate them from whatever happens. I’m so nervous right now that I can’t sit still. The waiting is killing me.

Also, someone mentioned requiring her to take a polygraph as a condition of recovery. If I decide to ask her for that, should I ask her first or should I just set up the appointment and tell her to be there? I have so many questions that I need answers to, but I don’t trust a word from her mouth at this point. I am thinking that a polygraph may put my mind at ease that I am at least getting the truth.

I also called my in-laws and told them about everything. My mother-in-law was in tears and my father-in-law was very angry. He wanted to call her right then and “set her straight”, but I convinced him to hold off. I told them that for the time being I was going to try to recover our marriage and that the best thing they could do was to support that effort and encourage WW to be honest and commit to recovery.

Wish me luck tonight!

I really, really love it when a cheater gets what they deserve.

Well, part of what they deserve, anyway.

While I can certainly understand your feelings, I personally think moving her things to the guest room is a mistake. you are in Plan A and that means trying to fill ENs. It's going to be hard to fill her ENs of SF and affection if you're sleeping in different rooms. Even conversation is better in the early drowsy morning before the day starts rushing in.

Another thing, is that you want her to be open and honest with you. Right now she is probably terrified (and furious). If you want her to be open and honest, she HAS to feel safe with you. This means no LBs, of course, but I ask you ... how safe do you think she'll feel when she comes home and finds she's been removed to the guest room?

I've never been involved in a polygraph, but from what I've read here from those who have, you let her know that you're making an appt for a polygraph. If she protests and balks and refuses, you know she's not being honest. If she agrees to take it w/o any fuss, keep the appointment. She may break down at the very last minute with some confessions that you'd not thought to ask about in the test.

I think you are doing an excellent job and things are moving right on schedule.

That's great news about the school, maybe not for your WW, but for your marriage.

Good thinking on what to tell the inlaws. Sounds like you've got a lot of support.

As far as the polygraph, I'd go ahead and schedule and THEN tell her to be there. Chances are it won't be necessary and she'll start "singing like a canary" as MIM (I think) likes to say. Maybe others have better ideas.

You're hitting her with everything at once and I think that's going to work in your favor although it probably won't seem like it at first. Above all.... stay cool, calm and collected. No. Matter. What.

I don't think he should be in Plan A.

Filling her ENs of SF and affection? Yeah, after he confirms that she doesn't have herpes or something.


Not very...hopefully she'll feel like a spouse who just got busted for screwing a kid. She should feel lucky to be in the house at all.

to you. You are in a very tough spot, but rest assured that many of us here have been in the same situation, just not all those things in such a short amount of time.

Your WW's head is probably spinning right now, and when she loses her job over this she is probably going to have a really hard time processing all of this at once. It's a tsunami.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you did do the right thing because I'm sure you probably killed the A. Your M had no chance as long as both of them were working together. The A would only have gotten out of hand.

We're here to support you.....

Why not?

This is a good start with your in-laws however don't count on it to last. They will likely prove to be her most sympathetic ears. She will definitely spin tales for them and they will really want to believe her. I hope they hang tough with you but be prepared for their support to diminish over time.

MG,

I think when you tell her that you want her to take a polygraph she'll say no way. No WS wants to be honest at first. Some don't even come clean after months of questioning. This is normal. Don't expect her to say sure honey, let's go. She is still under the impression that there can be secrets in a M. So you can tell her that she can prove to you without a shadow of a doubt that what she did was not wrong...you'll get your answer from her response. The sooner in R that the facts are revealed the better. So telling her up front that you will need her to take a poly is a good idea. You can wait a couple of days though. She is going to be beyond logic the next week or so.

You've done a great job! You have blown this A sky high. Stay calm. I think what you did with the bank account was great. This shows her you mean business and of course, it protects you. At this point you don't trust her. And you shouldn't.

Get your heavy weather gear out...the storm is coming. GOOD LUCK!

It's just my opinion, but I disagree with the idea of plan A in general.

I see it as kissing [censored] to try and "win back" a WS.

I think that every WS, upon discovery of the affair, should be told to "end it right now, or get the ____ out and don't ever come back".

If he wants to recover his marriage, which his latest post states he's considering, then "yes" he should be in Plan A.

However, I would NEVER recommend a BS have SF with an active WS for obvious reasons, life threatening STDs. So that particular EN should not be met in Plan A.

And even once in recovery, every BS should take extraordinary precautions (testing, etc.) before ever having SF with their F-WS.

Are you getting this, MG1971?

Jo

I agree with most of your post but sincerely question the utility of Plan A for a WW. In most cases I have seen here, a WW is MORE likely to respond to having to make a choice. Wh's are a different story...but WW's should be told to make their choice and get out if they continue seeing the OM.

mgolfer,

If you even think you might want to save the marriage, then plan A is for you. However, that doesn't mean you don't set your boundaries with regard to expected behavior. It does mean you show her that there is a way back, and that you are willing to meet her efforts with yours. Yours will initially be stronger only because she may be confused. That should not last long given this situation.

You have done a good job of exposure and I am sure she is steaming right now. You will need to allow the steam to cool down, and remember you have children to focus on right now. I think you have been given some good advice.

As far as your next move, I will use a quote from John Madden the football announcer " You should never roll out the hose until you know where the fire is."

As you see her reactions and behavior, your path will become more clear. Don't engage in arguements, or disputes. Just be calm and watch. You will learn alot and the next moves will become more obvious. Plan A allows you to do this, while planting some seeds for the future.

Be cool, be firm, and don't apology for attempting to protect your marriage from attack. It is under attack that much is sure.

God Bless,

JL