Good thing that's not your problem to own

I'm kind of afraid to go on that board right now. I really don't want to see what they're saying to and about him.

My H just called and asked me to edit his response for the community thread. I told him I had been afraid to go there, I didn't want to see how bad it was. All he said was, "Don't go there." Then he said, "I don't care."

Probably a pretty good eye-opener for him. It's all of them who he wants admiration from, not me, so it will be interesting to see how this affects him. Especially since the annual meeting is only 3 days away. At least I warned him ahead of time not to do it, so it can't end up being my fault.

Cat, how did that feel to you, to share your O&H?

Have you all discussed POJA yet?

I wouldn't edit his response. I would let it go. Let him realize how his delivery affects others. If you mean what you say about not covering for him, this is one example to live that.

Do you need to go to the meeting?

Secondly, from what you said, it sounds like your husband actually has a point. There really needs to be a protocol and possibly even a solicitor on retainer for situations like this. Once regulations get blurred, it can snowball and get worse. jmo.

ears, we have kind of discussed POJO without really calling it that. If he thinks we're doing any of the 'voodoo' stuff, he'll back out, but if I just phrase it as a logical way to handle a situation, he's usually pretty ok. I'm just having to work my brain extra hard, lol.

Sooly, you're right. I've been on the boards there for the last couple years, arguing about why we need better control. I keep bringing up the last place I lived, which was just like this, but it was run so well it can't even be compared. So I keep explaining to people WHY we need a budget committee, WHY the budget has to be voted in to be legal or else the Board can do whatever it wants, WHY we have to have signed contracts with our vendors...it's like butting my head up against a wall. I've gotten maybe 5 people to agree and who SAY they're going to say something at the meeting. Right.

We used to have Town Hall meetings, which my Activities Committee started, so the residents could get answers about things like a Post Office, the next school opening, what our annual dues go toward. But it got so successful that the Board decided it was THEIR duty (glory) to hold the meetings, so they took it away from us. Next thing you know, they went from 2 a year to 1 a year; then they said it would be the same day as the annual meeting since (in their words; H was on the board at the time) the residents would be there griping anyway. This year, they completely did away with the Town Hall meeting.

sigh

It is so screwed up. I can't wait to move.

Tell you what, I've been thinking seriously of coming up with a really bad illness Thursday afternoon. Maybe I need to start getting migraines...

Cat, is your H a reasonable guy? Would it be honest to say that about telling him that this is stressing you out, and that you would like if he would represent your family Thursday? Since you're planning on moving anyway, I can see why it would be kinder to yourself to not attend. Attendance isn't mandatory, and you're one of the lucky ones with a spouse who will go in your place. We're lucky here, too, my neighbor agrees with us on most stuff, and brings our proxy in since we vote the same way, anyhow.

I'm starting to think about it, ears. He knows I didn't want him to post on that thread (which has now been deleted due to complaints) because I knew what would happen. I really think I'm not going to go. You know how I am about people judging me. I just don't think I can handle it.

I'm even thinking the shame of being attached to him and this nonsense would be worse to me than dealing with him once he comes back, after being under attack.

Cat, I totally understand. You don't sound happy with your decision to not go, how come? Are you fearing something?

Hey cat, what about applying for a passport with me LOL

No, seriously, who would want to go and face judgmental people like that?! I don't see that as a shortcoming, I see that as you taking care of yourself.

I'm not happy because the whole community knows us, from all our volunteer work. And me not showing up will be clearly understood for what it is - my embarrassment of my husband.

I've been trying to cover for him for so long, and been stuck between him and every single person on earth for so long, endured so many problems because of his actions, that I just can't even think about it without my stomach turning.

You know me, I'm nothing but shame-based (and yes, that book is next on my list). Everything I do is shame-based.

So do I show up and try to be brave and help and speak up like I usually do, do I show up and try to hide in the shadows, or do I stay away and face his hyped-up mess when he comes home (which will entail a good 3 to 4 hours of him going on and on about how he was mistreated and misunderstood - and most likely chewing me out for not being there to support him, if not outright blaming me for all of it)?

If EE were here, he'd be chewing me a new one. But I truly don't think you guys can understand just what he does. I have NEVER seen another person like him. Think a mean Archie Bunker. Every single conversation we have ever had with anyone in that community, in 5 years, has included him complaining about the developer, the Board, the police, the cable company, the city, the neighbors, the homebuilders, the vendors we use, the stores that operate, the school district...you name it, he has blasted it. And you can see it on their faces, that grimace, that look of 'jeez, here we go again; how can I get out of this conversation?'

I'm just tired. I just want a semi-normal family, not one I have to constantly be embarrassed about or nervous over.

Cat, I can imagine that would feel like torture, listening to someone complaining for hours a day. What I don't know is whether your H would give you a day off if you asked for one. If you said, this is too much for you, you're planning to sit this one out, and what would it take for him to be enthusiastic about that? Maybe if you have a cup of hot whatever ready when he comes home. Maybe if you line up IC for him to decompress. I don't know.

Maybe he would not be open to that. I don't know. Sometimes, I tell my H, "Hon, I have a lot of fear of saying this to you, but I'm going to share it with you, anyhow. I'm trying to tell myself that you're a safe person to talk to. Can I count on you to be a kind person to talk to?" Me processing my fears out loud with him raises his awareness that I need a kind, understanding partner, too.

Maybe. He knows I don't do confrontation. We'll see.

And I like how you have a back-up plan, with the bag packed. You don't have to tolerate any abuse, Cat. It is damaging to yourself, your H, and your M. It's okay to protect yourself from AOs!

Cat, did you decide what you want to do about the meeting Thursday? Did you talk to your H about wanting to not participate?

No, I didn't talk to him about it. I did ask him this morning if he thought he would like to talk to our doctor about getting some antidepressants. Every morning, he just lies in bed, he's so defeated about work and money. He tried to talk to his boss yesterday about the money they owe him, and apparently chickened out and couldn't push the issue. He's like that with authority figures. But he's having to take 2 or 3 thousand out of our retirement account every month just to pay his bills.

But he said he isn't depressed. Oh well. For a while there, I fantasized about a happy husband.

Cat, I didn't know he was withdrawing from retirement every month. This situation where they company owes him money, was this a one-time thing, or ongoing is he earning too little for what he does? Did he back out just for yesterday, or make a long-term decision without your input to let the money go?

Do you all still have the second house on the market? Have you considered taking in renters there? What was the suggestion the CCC lady had to get you all back on track? Are those suggestions something you and H would be enthusiastic about?

Does he show symptoms of depression? There are online quizzes. Meds are great, and so is exercise. Does he get much exercise? Would you two like to go for brisk walks togehter?

Cat, and I wanted to give my two cents on the "friends with benefits" thing. BTDT, and it's the opposite of a relationship of equals. It chews the one who cares more up and spits them out with a full love bank for a other but left in the dust of painful withdrawal when the partner the admired one wanted does come along. Unrequieted love. Keeps her hanging on enough that she doesn't make herself available when a guy who feels that she does measure up comes around. It's painful every day to be more and more in love with someone, knowing they don't see you as meeasuring up. I didn't understand why it hurt so bad and for so long until I came here and learned about the love bank idea.

CCC lady told us to file bankruptcy.

His boss hired him last July promising $96,000/year, but set his salary at $72,000/year and said he'd give him the rest as quarterly bonuses, $6000 each quarter. So far, he's given H $10,000. His boss asked him recently if he needed to borrow $30,000, and H told him what he needed was for him to pay him what he promised (thank god!). Boss said he'd take care of it. That was a month ago; nothing has changed.

The sick thing is he hired this other guy 4 months after H, the one who's sabotaging H's work, and we know that he's getting paid much much more than H, and boss thinks this guy walks on water, but every single person except the boss hates his guts and knows he doesn't do anything. But they're all afraid to tell the boss (including H). It's just so frustrating; H needs to stand up to this guy AND the boss, but he can't. I'm trying to bite my tongue like everyone said, let him figure it out on his own, but it's so hard. I'm this.close to writing his boss a letter.

The money he's pulling from is the money from selling our house. Remember I wanted some to pay my bills, and he said no, he was going to invest it? Put it in a Merrill Lynch account his friend set up, and he basically borrows against that money, so there's no penalty. And now, of course, it's worth half what it was. Who knows, we may end up in bankruptcy.

Yeah, I thought that too. They decided that they might get back together in a couple months, and she is basically doing a Plan A, lol. Dressing nice every day, being there for him, etc.

She just wants a bf to have fun with, cos she knows she's leaving for college this year. Has no intention of getting attached.

We'll see. But you're right, and I need to point that out to her. Thanks.