Well, last night went pretty much the way you guys predicted. I got a phone call at around 5:30. When I answered all she said was “ fxxx you, you axxhxxx. I hope you’re happy now that you’ve ruined my life!” She then hung up before I could say anything. I could hear noise in the background that sounded like she was in a bar. I called her dad and told him what was going on and asked him if he would mind checking a couple of places to see if he could find her. I didn’t want her to get into trouble, but I knew that if I showed up it would probably just escalate the situation. I gave him the names of a couple of the places she liked to go to when she went out w/ the girls and he found her pretty quickly. He was able to talk her into leaving with him, and he drove her home since she was way too drunk to drive.

She came in yelling at her dad because he brought her home instead of taking her to her parent’s house. He just told her that this was where she belonged and left her on the sofa. I spent the next hour listening to her call me every name in the book. Apparently everything bad that ever happened to her was my fault. I also heard “I don’t love you, I never did love you, You can’t make me love you, I hate you, and I can’t even stand to look at you right now.” I just nodded and told her “okay.” I think it made her even madder that I refused to argue with her.

Finally, she declared that she was going to bed and for me to “stay the hxxx away from me tonight.” I smiled and told her no problem that I had moved her stuff to the guest room earlier and would she like for me to help her down the stairs. She launched into another profanity laden tirade and told me that she didn’t need my help for anything. So, I let her stumble her way down the stairs on her own. She slipped a few times and will probably wake up with some pretty good bruises this morning. I’ll probably get blamed for that too.

I feel surprisingly good this morning. I had a good workout at the gym and I even wanted to eat this morning. I stopped at a local coffee shop on the way home from the gym and picked up a bag of muffins. I ate a few and left the others on a plate outside the guest room. I also made a pot of her favorite specialty coffee and set the timer to start brewing about an hour after I left for work. I left her a note that said “ I love you and hope you have a good day.” I finally feel like I’m back in control of my life. Thinking about it all day yesterday, I realized that while I’m unbelievably angry with her that I also still love her. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t take a little bit of pleasure(well actually a lot of pleasure) in seeing her get her just reward yesterday. But, in the end, whether we stay together or divorce, I want her to recover so that she can at least be a good mother to our children.

I’m going home at lunch to check on her and make sure she’s okay and that she hasn’t done anything stupid. I’ll be surprised if she’s not back in the bed. She doesn’t handle alcohol very well and she was wasted when she got in last night. She’ll probably still be sick and hung all day.

I’m getting to the point where I need some answers from her. I’m having dreams about her and rah rah boy and I need to get to the bottom of what actually happened. Should I start to ask her questions now or should I wait a few days for the dust to settle? I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep soundly until I know all of the details and then I don’t know if I will be able to stay with her when I know all of the dirty details.

He just told her that this was where she belonged and left her on the sofa.
Absolutely stellar. Send the man a box of his favorite golf balls or cigars or whatever it is that fathers in law like

You did a FANTASTIC job not rising to her baiting. She wants to vilify you right now, to convince herself that you are an evil monster and it's no wonder she sought solace with rah rah boy (LOVE that moniker, BTW). You'll have more opportunities to practice your self control, but I'd say that after about 48 hours the worst will be behind you.

Good to hear you felt like eating. I know the fear of her wrath was huge before you exposed but I also can tell that taking action has done wonders for you already.

Regarding the details, that's not something you're going to get all at once. She may not feel like talking about it at all for a couple of days, and then when she does talk to you about it, you'll get lies, half truths, and evasive answers. It will take some time for her to cease wanting to protect the affair and shift to valuing openness and honesty in the marriage.

I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep soundly until I know all of the details and then I don’t know if I will be able to stay with her when I know all of the dirty details.

Frequently the BS fixates on wanting to know all the details, to the point that the WS feels hounded and gets no rest. This is no good for anyone, as it makes the marriage a hostile place to be. You may find that you truly need to know the details, some do. You may also find that you really only want to know the whys and generalities, so that you can use that info to fix what was broken in your marriage. Give this a bit of time.

Something that may help (it helped me immensely) is to write down your questions and then let them lie for 2 or 3 days. Then see if they're really important. If they are, ask her. You'll be surprised how many of them become irrelevant in just a few days.

Mg71:

You got what you expected. Nice play with your FIL. His statement to her "This is where you belong" speaks volumes. Your very lucky to have him solidly in your corner.

You have destroyed the fantasy. Therefore all the anger and bad words. You did well by not engaging her.

You have stated that you want ALL the details. That's a tough one. You have to be able to listen for it as well. If she starts to "fog-babble" you, like she did last night, you smile and nod. If she starts to tell you the truth, you respond to that. By encouraging her to continue with the truth. Fog-babble gets blank stares and no response, but truth gets understanding and concern.

It will be very difficult for your WW spouse to admit to all the things that she has done. TO look back at the last six months to a year and realize what a mess she has made. Of course she will try to make it YOUR FAULT. But you give her the blank stare. ANd then she starts to talk about what she did do, and you support her in that. The truth will hurt you. But you NEED the truth to keep your imgination from filling in all the blanks. Remember that, your imagination an be ALOT worse than the reality. ANd you will KNOW when you are getting the truth, and not lies.

I have proposed in the past what I call the question method. Where you write down all the questions that you want answered. You can put them in some sembelance of order, meaning a linear type of format, from the start of the A to Dday, or in groups like "meeting times" and "meeting places" and "What did you Share", etc. ANd she answers those questions. Meaning, you MIGHT get it all at once. But it generally comes out over time. If you DO get it all at once, then that is really great. But, if shes willing to tell you the truth, it's tough to face the reality when it is exposed to the light and then you have to keep going thru it again and again. That's the scary part. So, having the list of questions, allows her to understand that there is a finite number of questions (Followups are allowed, and things that you hadn't considered when making your questions up, especially after she told you something and you need more info). This method means that one night a week, for 90 minutes to 2 hours, you two talk about THIS. The REST of the week you do UA time. And get back together as H & W.

Its a tough place to be. But you have done GREAT since last week. There are some timelines around here. GIve your WW some time (a week?) and if NC is maintained, then the anger part will start to fade. THen withdrawal will start. Both of these processes are well detailed around here. AS it starts to unfold, and we find out HOW your WW is reacting, we can send you to various threads with similar WW and BH like you. You can get a better sense of what you are up against reading those timelines.

LG

PS, as a club pro, maybe you could help me with my 21 handicap...LOL

Mg71,
I'd like to applaud you for your conduct since last Friday. You could be a textbook case study in the RIGHT way to handle your wife's affair. Your behavior last night was masterful, from not getting baited into her arguments to leaving muffins and fresh coffee for her.

One comment I have regarding details is that you actually have an avenue to gain those details without driving another wedge between you and your wife. She will need to confess everything to you in good time (after the initial withdrawal is over most likely), but in the meantime, it seems like the OM's father could be an ally.

Could you contact him again and ask him to help you sort out the lies and then you will be out of their lives forever? Assure him that you have no interest in his son and that he is perfectly safe from you. I seriously doubt that the son has the cajones to stonewall his father and you may be able to get the full truth through the father before having any conversations with your wife. The father may not want to get involved any further, but it could be worth a shot and could give you some peace of mind in the short term.

Best of luck to you. Keep following your gut in the weeks to come. It has served you well so far.

Edit: Lousygolfer, I'm with you. I'll shoot an 88 one day, and 105 the next day, and I can't identify what I might be doing differently. Lately, all my drives have been slicing, but my iron shots off the tee are great. I need some lessons!

You have time. Don't push too hard right now. Don't have any relationship talks for a few days.

You have done great, but it's still going to be a pretty tough few days at home.

Stay cool and calm. You already see how badly that frustrates them. She wants a fight, don't give her one.

Get the book Surviving an Affair as soon as you can now and strongly consider a call to the Harleys.

Recovery is the hardest step in this whole nasty game you have been force to play. The Harleys can really help you now.

Great Job.

mg71,

I'll echo what others have said. You have done a tremendous job so far.

When I would begin to ask questions of my W, I would quickly become obsessed. One question would turn into 30 more, and we'd both be in tears or exremely hostile by the time it was over.

I would make the following suggestions, based on my own negative experiences:

1. Only ask what you absolutely must know for now. The really basic stuff. The circumstances of my d-day didn't allow for many cool, calculated actions, but I wish I could've stopped the flood of questions that day.

2. Create a list of questions. Let her respond in writing if she chooses, with the understanding that you might ask some follow-up questions if any of her answers requires clarification.

3. Take care of your Father-In-Law at Christmas. He sounds like a valuable asset, and a good man.

mg71, I'm impressed. to you and FIL.

MG71,

I agree with everyone and commend you on your demeanor.

TEXTBOOK ACTIONS AND RE-ACTIONS.

Stay strong.

kirk

That's very important, brother. This is textbook behavior and as predictable as telling you that we will have to pay taxes in the future.

Expect nothing but pure venom and I'm not sure if you've been told this or not but go get Surviving an Affair by SH. And don't be ashamed to read it in front of her.

My ex would get mad if she found me reading any books that dealt with infidelity.

She didn't have an affair, in her mind, or was really ok in doing what she did since "the marriage was over in her mind" (to paraphrase.

Expect similar justifications or justifications along the lines of:

You neglected me and Rha Rha Boy said all kinds of things that I wanted to hear and I was vulnerable to hearing them and it was like water to a thirsty person so I fell for what he was saying.

So again, it will be indirectly your fault since she wouldn't have cheated if you had simply been saying the right things all along.

Don't buy it. My ex was a royal pain and super high maintenance but it didn't make me want to go and screw around on her.

The cheating is ALL hers and unjustified in every way.

Thanks to everyone for all of the encouragement. It has helped at points when I feel all alone to log on and read some of the other posts and read some of your responses to my post and realize that I’m not the first one to go through this and I’m certainly not the only one. It’s helped me to feel confident in the actions I’ve taken to know that there are so many of you advising me that have taken these same actions yourself and that they have been successful many times before.

Quick update! I went home to check on her at lunch and she was back in bed. She had eaten 1 muffin and drank a cup of coffee at some point, but she was sound asleep at noon. I couldn’t find any evidence that she had left the basement this morning. She’s either really hung over or really depressed or maybe both. It’s been so great to be back at work today that I almost dread going home and facing reality. Who knows what frame of mind she’ll be in by tonight.

On another front, I talked briefly to rah rah boy’s father on the way back to work. I called to thank him for what he had done to end all of this and to tell him how sorry I was that he had to be involved. He filled me in on a few details so at least I’ll know if I’m getting the truth from WW. He was on campus yesterday talking to the administration and sitting down with his son. According to him it has been physical for about a month. There was no emotional connection on his son’s part. It was just a chance to have a good time with an attractive older woman. His greatest fear was that his father would tell his fiancé who has already graduated about this little affair. I actually had to stop the car and throw up when we hung up.

The father assured me that his son would stay away from my wife. Rah rah boy is taking next semester off before starting medical school next fall. The father told him that he wouldn’t pay for medical school if he heard that there was still contact with my wife. He’s also moving back home in about 5 weeks after December graduation. As hard as all of that was to hear, at least I know some of the truth. I really dread having to look at her tonight. Maybe I’ll just ask her to give me some space and stay in the basement until I go to bed. I need one night off at this point.

Oh, expect some other gems like:

"It just happened".

Or

"I didn't plan on this happening."

Or

"It's your fault I cheated."

Or really painful stuff such as:

"You just weren't doing it for me in the bedroom"

or

"I want us to be friends" (no such thing, especially when there's cheating).

Or she'll profess her love for her very young "soul mate".

If she does, then I would certainly confront OM (Other Boy seems more appropriate) because he's likely going to scurry away to protect his school status.

AWESOME response by you FIL. I would have given anything for that kind of support and applaud him for doing the tough thing.

But be careful. The support will only last for so long. They will slowly turn on you over time because she is their DD afterall. So she could be horrible with no morals but will eventually start supporting her and start saying things like, "It's time for you to move on" or even start saying that you shouldn't be punishing her as you are.

They will rarely ever say to DD, "you brought this on yourself for cheating on your H".

Treasure the support you have and re-enforce to the ILs that you love their daughter and that you will really need for them to support you in order to save the marriage. That's a relationship you need to nurture with care.

Don't expect it to last, but treasure it while it does.

This is fantastic!

Although I hope that father informs the fiance.

He was engaged?!?! Why am I surprised? I feel bad for his fiance, she deserves to know what she's getting into when she marries this yahoo. I know I would want to know. It's not a good sign that he'd do this while he's engaged... in fact, it's a very good predictor of what's to come in his marriage.

Expect your wife to be very depressed for awhile. She will probably feel like a fool when she comes out of her fog and realizes what she's done to her life and her marriage.

You're doing great and you're in the right place to help you get through this, however it turns out.

That's always tough to hear. Sorry, but at least you know. It will be helpful info to see just how long your WW will lie and deny the PA. I'm not sure I'd clue her in on that tidbit just yet.


I hope this man has the decency to tell his son's fiance.

That matches the timeline in the escalation of the emails. Sad, but no surprise here.

She will deny this even after you reveal where you heard it.

Now the bad news; you will both need to get tested for STD’s over the next several months.

Adultery is a gift that keeps on giving.

mgolfer,

AS everyone has said, you right on the glide path for your approach to the landing strip. I'll repeat what everyone else has told you, there really honest to God is a script that all WS's seem to read from. I don't know the publishing house, or what book store carries it, but somehow the darned thing just seems to be handed around.

You have done great. Your FIL is a gem, and OM's father seems to be upright as well. You are more fortunate than you know in this regard.

As for everything else listen to the folks have been saying. But, do get Surviving an Affair, as it will guide you through a lot of the coming steps.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

I'm very sorry it went physical MG.

I puked for days and lost 22 lbs in a few weeks (and I'm thin). My family and friends thought I had cancer.

Take care of yourself. Eat, sleep (Tylenol PM works) and stay as active as you can.

Schedule doctors appointments for both of you. Make sure you don't get anymore 'gifts'.

My condolences.

At least you know the truth.

You should consider giving your wife a chance to confess to what you already know. Ask her to elaborate on her relationship with Rah-Rah Boy.

It could really help you in the long run if she does.

I know if I hadn't caught my wife in the act, she never would've confessed. That's a problem for me to this day.



P.S.: I don't think I could resist calling him "Rah Rah Boy" to her face, every time you refer to him.

Thats some bittersweet news. I know that, as a guy, it would be much easier to work on recovery if it hadn't turned physical, but at least you can cut through all the BS that your wife will try and tell you. Be thankful that you got the truth early. My stbxWW persisted in lying to me for 15 months after the affair. The day she finally admitted that she slept with OM #1 coincides with roughly when her affair with OM #2 started. If she had just come clean at the start, its possible that she could have been able to commit to the recovery and learned what she needed to learn to make the marriage work. As it was, her lies forced her to keep a distance between us that eventually resulted in the second affair.

Honesty is the fundamental building block for any recovery.

On a side note, if I was in your position and you were able to identify the OM's fiance, I would go ahead and tell her. No one should be forced to enter into a marriage based on a lie.

MG1971,

As most have recommended, get the book Surviving an Affair.

You can also coach with the Harleys. They're barr none THE best and have spent 30+ years in this field. They will work with you to put together a solid plan to follow thru recovery.

Here's their contact info:

Coaching Center - Click Here

Call toll-free 1 (888) 639-1639

God Bless,
Jo