You're going to have a hard time with the physical act of betrayal than over anything else.

There will be a deep sense of violation of the "sacred ground" which has been desecrated. This sacred ground was exclusive to you as a husband just as your body was exclusive to her.

But that has now been violated and you will have a very difficult time with the images in your head. I had a very, very hard time not knowing the details. I wanted to know where, how, when, who did what, how long it lasted, and finally why.

Details are a curse and a blessing. You want to know because you want to know the truth but the details sometimes become triggers.

I found out a certain movie was playing while they were going at it. Seeing that movie on a shelf at a store or seeing a preview on TV became a trigger for me for a while (not anymore) but it was there for a good while.

I'm only sharing this with you so you know what happened.

And the sad thing is that I didn't get any of the details from her. They came from the OM who had the decency (he had been deceived by her) to tell me what happened and when and how.

So you may never know. And you're certainly not going to know while she's wayward.

But you're overwhelmed right now. Expect massive mood swings from feeling good to feeling dispair.

She has raped you emotionally. There's an aftermath.

Take care of yourself, bud. Virtual hugs from all of us. We've felt your pain. (I wish this thing didn't have a smiley face)

Okay, I’m trying to work up the nerve to go home. After finding out that this thing had been physical, I really don’t know if I’m ready to face her. I have this tremendous urge to just embellish what I know a little and rub her face in it. I want to ask her if it was physical and if she lies start telling her that I know she’s lying because her little boyfriend gave me dates and places all the details of their little affair. I don’t have all of that info, but I would love to scare the crap out of her.

I know, I need to just calm down but I’m really struggling this afternoon. I must be going through one of those vengeance phases where I want her to hurt as much as I do. I want her to understand the kind of pain she has caused. I was doing alright until this info about it being a physical affair and that has just set me off. I’ve been pounding balls off of the driving range for the past 30 minutes trying to calm down. I imagined teeing up rah rah boy’s balls on the tee and crushing them with a driver over and over.

I think I’ll go by the gym on the way home and see if I can just push myself to exhaustion and see if that takes the edge off. I really can’t go home until I’m sure I can handle it. I don’t want to do r say anything that I’ll regret later.

Sorry, but I just needed to vent and this is the only place I knew to come and vent.

Give her the chance to confess. Really.

Don't break the law.

I agree with Krazy, but DON'T give up any of your sources, you may need to use them again to verify future info that may come to light.

I would give her a chance to come clean, but when she starts lying, (and she WILL), just say:

"Look, since I found out about this Friday, I have not been living in a vacuum. I have been deligently gleening information for all available sources. I KNOW you're lying, and YOU KNOW you're lying. You only get one real chance to come clean and mitigate the damage to our M that you've caused. Do you want to start over NOW???"

mg71,
First off, I wish I had that avenue of stress relief! I would love to just be able to go drive golf balls at work!

If you want to get some revenge on rah rah boy's balls, I seriously recommend you see what you can do to notify his fiance of his actions. She deserves to know what this boy has been doing to protect her future and her health, and I'm sure it will feel damned good to know he got his [censored] dumped.

I wouldn't go home and rub your wife's face in it yet. I would give her the opportunity to confess on her own to see how honest she is willing to be with you. Careful of her motives though. She may only confess just to try and hurt you. Its a giant [censored] sandwich, but your best bet is to continue plan A. If you can't be nice-ish to her, just don't be petty. Maintain some distance and do your own thing if you are about to explode.

It's an hour by hour thing right now regarding the emotions. Try to vent here and not at home.

The early posts to you on this thread talked about the roller coaster. You're there. We all have been there.

I used to take my .45 to an indoor range near my office and shoot the crotch out of 3-4 silhouette targets while having happy thoughts of OM.

Stopping at the gym sounds like a good healthy plan.

I'm sorry to hear it was physical, and I know how badly your world has been up-ended. Still, the truth is your ally and you really are fortunate that rah-rah boy's father is such a stand up guy.

I agree rah rah boy's fiance should be told. She needs to know BEFORE she orders invitations, tries on dresses, and decides on flowers and a cake. She needs to know NOW so she can get tested for STDs.

I also agree you should give your WW a chance to confess - but don't expect it to come immediately. And do NOT reveal your sources. MyRev's advice was great - "I've not been living in a vacuum... something about gleaning information from all available sources" and then just leave it at that. She may not confess, and she may confess hatefully, to hurt you. But I guarantee she'll torture herself wondering what you DO know and how you know it.

Don't be hateful to her tonight. If you can't be civil and avoid rubbing her face in it, then be honest with her. Tell her you are way too upset to talk to her right now, and that you need some space. Go in your room and close the door if you have to, or take a walk, or go for a drive.

Remember, if you lose your temper with her, it only justifies (in her mind) how evil you are and how right she was to seek "love" somewhere else. It's VERY okay to be angry. It's NOT okay to lose your temper.

I'm not going to do anything illegal. Although that doesn't mean that I don't want to. I'm just not going home until I'm back in full control of my emotions.

I'm sure there won't be much plan A going on tonight, but I'll try to keep my distance and avoid interacting w/ her until I can be at least civil. It would probably be best for me to wait a day or two before I ask her about her affair to give myself a chance to deal with her calmly.

Thanks fro letting me vent.

We have all been there. Working out should help take the edge off. When you do confront her, remember to try to remain calm. Giver her a chance to admit it. When she blames you, calmly remind her that you were not the one sleeping with a student. You did not get fired for misconduct. You did nothing wrong. Do not let her drag you into an argument.

mgolfer,

The reason you need to tell his fiance is that she needs to be tested for STD's, IF they were sexually active. No one knows who has really slept with who, other than OM and your W.

If you don't feel up to it, perhaps OM's father will do it. She needs to be told, although right now, your main issue is hanging on to the roller coaster ride.

I like your approach of imitimating that you know more than perhaps you know, and put her on notice that honesty is a must, although at this point she may not care what you think, I mean after all THIS ALL YOUR FAULT. ... NOT .

Hang in, be calm, and see where the fire is before you roll out the hose.

God Bless,

JL

MG,

""I must be going through one of those vengeance phases where I want her to hurt as much as I do.""

As far as stages, my friend, I'm afraid you have not even reached that part of it.

You are still in traumatic shock from the gaping, steaming chest wound caused by your heart being ripped from your chest through your sternum. It is going to take some days to entirely get your brain wrapped around this. Exercising to exhaustion is a good way to cope.

Keeping your cool like you did before will come to you. Watching her go berserk will bring on that calm and collected veneer again.

""I want her to understand the kind of pain she has caused.""

Unfortunately this is almost NEVER the case. So please do not wait for it to dawn on her.

This whole adultery thing is about a wayward's selfish yearning for self-gratification through their self-centered feeling of entitlement.

A self-centered being has no empathy for another, specially if that other's pain is being caused by the WW.

So you will soon hear "get over it" and "can't we just move on?"

You are just now entering your assigned car on our roller coaster, so make sure your strapped in tight.

Take care of yourself, eat right, plenty of sleep, etc. Sounds like you have the exercise down already.

Stay strong.

kirk

Good idea.

A suggestion: before you enter into any sort of "discussion" about the situation with your A, I suggest trying to understand what she might be going through now: having possibly given up her career and her M and having her world turned upside down for a brief dalliance with someone who only saw her as a life-support system for a vagina. My FWW went through a similar experience, and I know it affected her self-respect greatly. At this point, she needs to blame *someone* for her choices, and that's likely going to be you.

I have spent my adult life conveying thoughts in writing. My job is to describe. That is one of the best, most concise descriptions I have ever seen of how predatory men view their female conquests.

I second that opinion, as a matter of fact that is one of the realizations that made me do a number of 180's in my marriage some months ago when I first started reading here.

NJ

Tense evening around the house last night. I stopped at the gym on the way home to lifted weights and do some swimming. I swam for almost 45 minutes. For some reason, I find swimming to be very calming. It’s so quiet and makes me feel like I’m in another world.

After that, I stopped by my favorite deli on the way home and picked up a couple of sandwiches. She was actually out of the basement when I got there. I took my sandwich and a magazine to my den and told her there was a sandwich in the kitchen for her if she wanted it. She came in about an hour later and asked if I was going to ignore her all night. I just told her that I wasn’t ignoring her, but that I was really angry right now and that it was just best that we keep a little space because I didn’t want to say anything that I would regret later. She said okay and went back to watching TV.

After she went to bed, I checked the computer to see if she was dumb enough to try to contact him again. Apparently she is that dumb. Here’s the contents:

WW: Hey, why haven’t you been answering your phone? I really need to talk to you. Hope you didn’t get in any trouble for this but we really need to talk.

Rah Rah Boy: Listen, we can’t talk any more. My dad was really PO’ed. He’s threatening to not pay for medical school and to tell Meredith about all of this if I see you again. It was fun while it lasted, but it’s got to stop. Please don’t call or email me again.


Apparently he’s smarter than she is at this point

I thought about it last night and here’s my plan. I’m to just try to be pleasant wit her today and avoid any affair talk. I am off tomorrow, so I thought that maybe that would be a good time to have a talk w/ her. I need some help from you guys about what is most helpful to cover in this first talk. I have hundreds of questions, but I don’t want to overwhelm her at this point. I know we need to discuss NC with OM. Is it to early to demand that she get into counseling? Is it okay to ask specific questions about the affair or will I just get lies at this point?

I really want to set reasonable expectations because there’s only so much frustration I can deal with at this point without losing my cool w/ her.

I may have missed this but has she even admitted to the affair yet? If not, she's no where ready to hear about recovery. I think what needs to be discussed today is whether she's ready to admit the truth. I think some of the guys have given you things to say, her one chance to come clean, etc. But until she admits anything, I don't think there's really anything to discuss about recovery or counseling. She's still trying to contact her OM. She doesn't KNOW that you KNOW about the PA, her continued contacts, etc. She thinks you just suspect, right?

Mg71,

OM's fiance needs to be told.

She should not have to enter into a marriage under false pretenses.

You just might spare another person the grief you are going through right now.

Not to mention the ba$[censored] deserves it.

#1- Do not let her know about you seeing her computer activity. If you don't have a keylogger installed, get it done today. eBlaster by SpectorPro is the best. You can download it instantly for $100

#2- If you plan on letting her out of the house, get a GPS into her car. Google LandAirSea Systems. They have a unit for around $300 that works with Google Earth and will show you exactly where she goes.

That's my advice. I'll leave the rest to others.

golfer,

These are good developments. It isn't surprising that she tried to contact him.

Your mission now is to get your wife back and this is a really, really tough thing.

She'll be very venemous towards you, but it actually sounded like she was starving for some sort of emotional reaction from you.

I think she knows deep inside that she's messed up badly, but she really has no clue as to the magnitude of the pain she's inflicted on you. She'd rather not think about it.

My exww was caught of guard by the devestating reaction to telling me she wanted a divorce. I was inconsolable the first night and couldn't do anything other than cry. This was before I knew of the infidelity.

You're in emotional shock and will swing wildly in your emotions.

The best advice I got during that time dealt with just being cool. My brother actually had the best advice. He said, "Just be cool. Don't let her see emotions from you. Be ice cold and unreadable."

This is such good advice. It's good advice because it encourages you, the BH, to keep those raging emotions in check and hopefully think clearly.

I didn't follow the advice given, but you've conducted yourself in a very good and thoughtful way so far and are doing great.

So what to do with the conversation?

I'd put it all in her court.

Sit down with her and simply say, "Ok. I'd like to hear your side of things. Please tell me what happened."

You know a lot already. So if she starts trying to feed you lies, then stop her.

She may get very defensive about it and may lash out at you and claim that you're blowing things way out of proportion. The louder the bark, the worse the truth is.

I confronted my exww about her online account and received heaping spoonfulls of "it's an innocent site" and "I'm just there to make friends" and "it's just harmless jokes (flirting)".

I wasn't dumb. I broke into the account and got the truth. She knew she couldn't lie to me anymore when I calmly approached her and started throwing out names of the men she had been with.

That's when she fessed up, but she only partially fessed. She refused to provide details about what happened.

You're in a very good situation because you know a lot more than she realizes you know.

Using Rah-Rah Boy's real name, the name of his fiance, and some snippets of their email exchanges will reveal that you know a lot more than she is leading on and may encourage her to spill the beans.

I have a gut feeling that your wife will likely be a repentant WW who will feel bad for what she's done. She likely got caught up by the attention given to her by a younger man and she fell for it and followed the slippery slope of an affair while her "boring, dependable husband" just didn't compare to the young athletic child she was doing.

Well, boring dependable husband is not bad. It's something to be proud of.

But the fact that she cheated with a kid that unrealistically can't have a relationship with her and has much to lose with exposure helps you a ton.

I would still find Rah-Rah Boy's fiance's number and give her the evidence you have. She deserves this before she marries him. I have a very good friend of mine who was cheated on while she was engaged and the man cheated on her again after he married her. She deserves to know and protect herself from future pain. And you would also add another painful consequence to OB (other boy) for his actions.

So the advice for your talk is to "be cool" when confronting her. Stop her if she starts lying and show your cards a little. DO NOT reveal how you have your sources of information.

And in the end tell her you want to forgive her and save your marriage regardless of what she spews forth.

Of course, that's up to you.

If she starts ranting, be calm. Stop her and simply say, "look, you're really in no position here to be yelling and screaming at me. You messed up. I didn't. You're now facing the consequences of being a staff member who has slept with a student and got caught. Don't berate me over your own actions."

Say it calmly when she rants.

If she has any sense at all she should stop, but will likely choose to spew justifications and venom. If she does, then stay calm and simply end the conversation and say, "Clearly, you're not willing to talk like rational adults. I'm walking away now and am willing to talk to you when you're willing to take ownership over what you've done and we can discuss where to go from there."

You strike me as being a strong BH, which is very good. Don't get weepy and whiny and grovel. It will maker her lose respect for you.

Hope you got some decent sleep mg71. Don't let your wife know you are checking her phone and/or computer. Print the emails if you can and put them somewhere safe. You'll be amazed at all the lies you are about to endure as your WW denies contact, the physical elements of the A, and anything from A to Z. The emails will serve as proof later on.


Me...I'd ask her very calmly if shaking her poms poms at Rah Rah Boy was worth her career, family and self respect. She'll likely come back with it wasn't like that, we're just friends, you're crazy garbage. Don't agrue with her. At that point I'd ask her when she's scheduling her STD tests. Again she'll probably freak out and tell you you've got it all wrong, blah, blah. Stay calm and let her rant. After she's done hanging herself on the rope you given her calmly tell her that there's really not much to say at this point since she continues to lie to you and then walk away. Her mind will be racing as to WTF you know and what RAH RAH has said. If you feel like you are going to explode go take a walk and come back after you feel a little more together.