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I told him.

He kicked me out of the house. He told me I can't be there when he's there. I am the biggest slut he has ever known. He doesn't believe that my one PA is my only A. I've been a liar throughout our entire relationship according to him. He is now reflecting back on every time I've been nice to a man and it was because I was looking to get laid, apparently.

He said he's getting a lawyer tomorrow and that he feels sorry for me and for what's to come. He said for the rest of my life I'll be the slut that ruined our marriage.

He said he will never go to counseling again. That is done. He said that me asking him to go to counseling was a way for me to get around my A. (I have been asking him to go since January 2006. My A started in February 08.) He said that was all a joke, he's done with it. He said I made him feel like a monster these last few months as I was asking him to do counseling and I made him feel like he needed to change. When all along, he said tonight, nothing was wrong with him, but it was me trying to justify my affair. He said I tried to make him feel like our marriage problems were his fault. That the last few months of me trying to get him to change was actually me trying to feel less guilty about my A, not because there were actually problem. He said he was having real anxiety feeling that our problems were his fault but in the end, I was just trying to justify my A so that ruse is over. He feels relieved that it wasn't him after all.

I apologized. The A is absolutely my fault. I've owned that within myself since that begining. And always will. I took responsibility for it tonight and apologized to him too.

I suggested he come to this site or check out books or even contact our pastor for support as he processes what I've done to him. He said he'll handle it how he wants and I have no right to tell him what to do. He doesn't need anyone else to tell him how to deal with things. He said every mean thing he could of and more. I can't even share what he said here because it was beyond hurtful. Probably justified considering what I'd done. He made me feel like our 14 years of marriage was all something he did out of pity for me because of some physical deformaties that I have. He implied he married me because he felt sorry for me. He said he should have never taken me back (20 years ago after having been apart for 2+ years) and that I was damaged goods but he felt sorry for me. I told him I thought we were together because we loved each other. He said he had begun to move on at the time back then and he should have stayed away from me.

He mentioned he feels sorry for me and I will never have what I thought I would get from this marriage. I'm reeling for what I may lose with my kids. They mean everything to me. I deserve consequences, but I'm scared for them.

He's sent two email since I left the house accusing me of coming on to everyone from friends to his co-workers in the last several years. I've had one and only one mistaken and very much regretful affair -- the one I've admitted to and regret so much here. From this point forward, however, he said I will always be the "wh**e" who has no morals and who can't keep her legs together.

I've confessed to my two sisters and my parents about my lies. They are doing their best to support me at this moment, but I am a cheater who is feeling as low as a cheater should right now. (They are in no way condoning what I've done.) Again -- I own 100% responsibilty for what I did.

It's worse than I thought. I owed him the truth and I deserve his wrath. I'm quite numb right now.


Me (FWW): 45
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Looking4,

I am so sorry he was so mean and said such hurtful things. You still did the right thing and I'm proud of you for doing what had to be done (I know that doesn't mean a whole lot right now).

Email him a link directly to this forum. Add a little note that there are many men who post here and leave it at that. Hopefully his curiosity will lead him here and he will get the help he needs.

Did you get those 2 books I mentioned? If not, get them today and leave them for him.

My guess is there are many men who react exactly like he did initially. Right now what you need to do is try to breathe and relax (easier said than done).

When are you suppose to see the MC? If not anytime soon, call the MC today and tell them you need to see them ASAP. Even if you go by yourself or let him go by himself.

It's a rough ride, I hope he comes around and will at least be open to reading something.

I'm glad you have your family for support. If need be will they talk to him and also try to guide him here?

hug

LC

My email address is in my profile if you want to contact me.

Last edited by lifeschoice; 10/27/08 06:12 AM. Reason: typo




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Originally Posted by Looking4
It's worse than I thought. I owed him the truth and I deserve his wrath. I'm quite numb right now.

L4, first of all, I think it's great that you've decided to "live in truth" and not lie to your H any more. A good step towards true personal recovery.

As for your H, he's likely in a world of pain right now and lashed out as many do in such circumstances.

It's what he does when he starts to calm down that's most important. Will he take part of the responsibility for the state of the M before the A? Will he take ownership for the damage he caused? Or will he try to make everything your fault? If the former, there's a good chance of recovery for your M. If the latter, this is probably not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with anyway.

And yes, unfortunately he's going to question if he did the right thing at those times he could have walked away (like that separation you mentioned that happened over 20 years ago). I did the same when my FWW disclosed her A to me.


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Quote
It's what he does when he starts to calm down that's most important. Will he take part of the responsibility for the state of the M before the A?

Will he take ownership for the damage he caused? Or will he try to make everything your fault? If the former, there's a good chance of recovery for your M. If the latter, this is probably not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with anyway.

hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug

Oh Looking4, I know this may seem like the worst possible thing for you right now.

MIM and LC are right in that you did the correct thing, in spite of your pain and his anger.

Remember that hate is not the opposite of love......indifference is.

Remember when I was calm after my WH confessd after he was confronted?

Why was I calm?

Because I did not care.

On D-Days 3 and 4, after I started to care, I screamed and shouted every negative obsenity I ever heard (including the F-bomb) at him.

He sat quietly and took it.

That impressed me.

Then I did it again....it seemed like I couldn't help it.

He shook his head and apologized.

Then I did it again.

He went to the computer and pounded out a journal entry, crying out ot God to forgive him, acknowledging he deserved everything that was happening and he emailed it to me.

He said he'd leave.

I told him to go.

He changed his mind at the door.

Had I known about this site, I would have come here to vent, but I didn't so I vented to and at him often.

He took it and apologized for weeks.

After D-day 2, he was angry when I lost it? Why? Because he was in withdrawal but neither of us knew it. After D-day #3 I was suicidal. But he was remorseful and contrite and willing to do anything that would help me heal after D-Day #4. Eventually I realized the difference in his reaction and felt like he was now sincere.

I know it hurts to hear his anger like it hurt my WH to hear mine. But it's part of the process that needs to happen if you are going to get beyond the lies and deceit of the past.

And now you can rebuild honestly....alone or with him (if and when he chooses). Time will tell.

At any rate, you can rebuild yourself, one solid honest brick at a time. No more sand.

I suggest you email LC as she has been in your shoes (and I can't post during the day.) I'm sure others will check back in with you. If you don't get many responses, it might be good to ask the mods to move your thread to GQII where there's more traffic than over here on the recovery forum. They could revise the title, too so posters can read your whole thread easier before responding to you.

L4, I agree that it would be good to give your BH the MB web address via email so he can check it out when he's ready. If he does, let him move at his own pace.

Like MIM said, his willingness to own his part will be the deciding factor; most likely it will take some time. If he continues to blame you and claim that your M was a sham and he files and follows through with a D, you may have the answer about whether or not you should stay married that you were seeking before. (I say 'may' because I personally know of 2 couples who divorced and remarried after infidelity.)

Either way, L4, you can now start to build your personal recovery on the fact that you were honest with your BH about your mistake. That's all that God expected of you and he will be with you as you rebuild, with or without your betrayed husband.

I'll be praying for you,
Ace




Last edited by _Ace_; 10/28/08 09:09 AM. Reason: to suggest you keep your thread on this Recovery forum since many have found their way back here to help.

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Do not leave the house. Tell him you had made a mistake then but you are staying because you are staying married.

If you move out you only make it easier for your BH to get you for abandonment. Which hurts custody and the whole list of legal issues that come into play.

Many a BH rant that they are going to D but do not follow through. If he wants to talk divorce tell him you don't talk divorce only marriage.

Show him that you have maintained NC. Be transparent. Offer up passwords and cell phone for him to verify NC.

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L4,

As painful as it is right now, this is normal. He is in pain and lashing out. You knew how much this would hurt him and it did.

Time is your ally now. It will give him a chance to calm down and for you to be transparent with your actions. As difficult as this is, you did the right thing.

Read up on Plan A. You will want to be there for him as much as you can. I caution you, however, you are not a doormat.

Hang tough, L4. I promise you that whatever the outcome, it will get better.

Respectfully,
Sh0cked

PS - This is a great first step for working on you. See a physician and get on medication if you have difficulty dealing with depression. Get some exercise. Eat well. It is important you take care of yourself.

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on a side bar here...

now imagine you didn't tell him, and waited another 5 years, til the OM's wife looked him up to tell him, since her husband probably will have had another affair or two.

Then you'd have 5 more years of lies he'd accuse you of.

-hang in there

It may not always be nice, but...the advice in this forum is incredible.


9 years now ... and some days you still say grrr!
Hang in there.
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Looking,

You realize that your choice to have an affair was an unethical response to your husband's abuse and neglect. Rightly, you accept responsibility for that. Despite his poor treatment of you, you had many ethical choices besides an affair....so putting things right is going to be painful. Confessing allows you to give him a choice too and to re-align your actions and your Christian beliefs.

However, it is not too surprising that someone who has been belittling you for many years over trivial things, would verbally slam you over something this important. His reaction is fairly predictable given the rest of your description and in line with the way he expresses himself. I hope he isn't a violent man. If I had seen your post before today, I would have recommended you confess in a safe environment since he's shown a tendency toward abuse. He sounds very volatile. To be fair, however....even BS who have never been violent, can sometimes "lose it" when infidelity is revealed.

I still think you did the right thing, even though it won't feel that way for a while. You will not know for sure what the the ultimate outcome of this will be, until the shock abates a little and your husband has a chance to process his anger and move past the initial melt down. Because of your description...I honestly don't know if he will remain married....or at least remain married without rancor and resentment. If he can't....then your marriage will not be healthy for either of you anyway....and I think you know that.

Where there is a breakdown of this magnitude, it can easily destroy a marriage. But sometimes....it takes a breakdown to have a breakTHROUGH. Your husband has been systematically destroying your marriage for a long time. You tried to save your marriage for a long time....but managed to efficiently be even more destructive than he was in one fell swoop.

So now, you have negotiate from a position of weakness....much harder to do...but much more authentic and honest too...yanno? You don't sound like the kind of person who could have lived happily with this secret anyway.....so if you fail....then let it be while you're the person you want to be.

Hang in there.....first reactions are often knee-jerk and not the final end they appear to be. Allow him some leeway to spew some insults and ugliness right now....but do separate yourself from him if he becomes too threatening or verbally abusive. You have a tightrope to walk....between being properly remorseful and accepting blame without allowing him to go too far.

Please give us an update when you can.

((((((((((((((looking)))))))))))))))))))




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Originally Posted by Looking4
I told him.

Good job!

Originally Posted by Looking4
He kicked me out of the house. He told me I can't be there when he's there. I am the biggest slut he has ever known. He doesn't believe that my one PA is my only A. I've been a liar throughout our entire relationship according to him. He is now reflecting back on every time I've been nice to a man and it was because I was looking to get laid, apparently.
This is his reality, and he's going to be hurting for a while.

I know you think he was damaging the marriage and I would agree with that. But in reality, comparing what he did to what you did is like comparing his use of a BB gun to your use of nuclear weapons. They are not even in the same league.

Now, both of you eventually need to put down the weapons. Right now, since he now realizes he's been nuked, he likely is tempted to pick up more damaging weapons.

I think being kicked out is a good thing and here is why. It takes you out of the line of fire and it gives you time to focus not on how he's hurt you as you've gone on about here, but how you've NUKED him.

Eventually, both of you need to drop your weapons. Yet at this point, he's reeling from being nuked.

That's the thing about affairs, they have a half-life, and they are nasty things. That's one reason why I think the nuke analogy fits so well, because even though the betrayed may not see the blast, the damage, the radiation sticks around for a long time.
Originally Posted by Looking4
He said he's getting a lawyer tomorrow and that he feels sorry for me and for what's to come. He said for the rest of my life I'll be the slut that ruined our marriage.
Talk is cheap. Maybe he will divorce. Maybe he wont. Even if he files, that doesn't mean it's over. He's extremely hurt, and is acting out of that hurt.
Originally Posted by Looking4
He said he will never go to counseling again.
Do you blame him? You've been trying to "fix him" in counseling, yet you've been hiding the affair. You didn't come to him and say you were being tempted by another and want to draw close to him at the beginning of the affair, did you?

Did you confide such things to others, family, friends, but fail to confide in the one who is to be closest, your husband?

To him, the counseling is nothing but a sham. To him, it must look like you were not being honest, bringing up all his faults, why your radioactive affair was silently and invisibly damaging the marriage.

And the counselor who knew of this but didn't bring it up, didn't encourage you to tell. That must look like the counselor was on your side, a party to the deception.

Originally Posted by Looking4
That is done. He said that me asking him to go to counseling was a way for me to get around my A. (I have been asking him to go since January 2006. My A started in February 08.) He said that was all a joke, he's done with it. He said I made him feel like a monster these last few months as I was asking him to do counseling and I made him feel like he needed to change. When all along, he said tonight, nothing was wrong with him, but it was me trying to justify my affair. He said I tried to make him feel like our marriage problems were his fault. That the last few months of me trying to get him to change was actually me trying to feel less guilty about my A, not because there were actually problem. He said he was having real anxiety feeling that our problems were his fault but in the end, I was just trying to justify my A so that ruse is over. He feels relieved that it wasn't him after all.
Don't blame him for feeling or thinking this at all. You did want to change your husband so you would be more attracted to him than your affair partner.

Right now, he doesn't believe you, FOR GOOD REASON.

The only answer you can give right now is that you understand that he feels that way and you don't fault him one bit for feeling that.

What he's expressing is 100% understandable, and in many ways it's spot on.

He may not have the timeline down, but from his perspective, if you were trying to get him to change his approach, while having the affair, he has valid complaints about how this was handled on all fronts.

I think your husband is reacting in a pretty logical, understandable and in many ways healthy fashion. He's been gaslighted by your actions (you can look up gaslighting) since you were in counseling saying you wanted a better marriage while carrying on an affair with another man.

He's rightfully upset, even if the affair only started this year and the counseling started years ago.

You undoubtedly talked about communication. Yet you failed to communicate your affair or even feelings of attraction for another man probably while complaining about how he communicates.

Right now, there is NO WAY he could or should trust either you or that counselor given what he's experienced.
Originally Posted by Looking4
I apologized. The A is absolutely my fault. I've owned that within myself since that begining. And always will. I took responsibility for it tonight and apologized to him too.

I suggested he come to this site or check out books or even contact our pastor for support as he processes what I've done to him. He said he'll handle it how he wants and I have no right to tell him what to do. He doesn't need anyone else to tell him how to deal with things. He said every mean thing he could of and more. I can't even share what he said here because it was beyond hurtful. Probably justified considering what I'd done. He made me feel like our 14 years of marriage was all something he did out of pity for me because of some physical deformaties that I have. He implied he married me because he felt sorry for me. He said he should have never taken me back (20 years ago after having been apart for 2+ years) and that I was damaged goods but he felt sorry for me. I told him I thought we were together because we loved each other. He said he had begun to move on at the time back then and he should have stayed away from me.

He mentioned he feels sorry for me and I will never have what I thought I would get from this marriage. I'm reeling for what I may lose with my kids. They mean everything to me. I deserve consequences, but I'm scared for them.

He's sent two email since I left the house accusing me of coming on to everyone from friends to his co-workers in the last several years. I've had one and only one mistaken and very much regretful affair -- the one I've admitted to and regret so much here. From this point forward, however, he said I will always be the "wh**e" who has no morals and who can't keep her legs together.

I've confessed to my two sisters and my parents about my lies. They are doing their best to support me at this moment, but I am a cheater who is feeling as low as a cheater should right now. (They are in no way condoning what I've done.) Again -- I own 100% responsibilty for what I did.
Your sisters and parents need to offer support to him as well, and your children. I think they need to deliver the message that what you did was wrong, they don't condone your actions and that they are there for him and that he will always be welcome in the family regardless what happens.

You need support, but you are not the only one. He too needs support and it may mean a great deal if they can look beyond bloodlines and simply be there for him and to stand with him in agreement that what happened was a horrible crime committed against him and the children.

He may not want the support, but it may mean a lot to him to know that your family is not just there for you, but there for him as well.
Originally Posted by Looking4
It's worse than I thought. I owed him the truth and I deserve his wrath. I'm quite numb right now.

Give it time. He may not feel this way later. You may win him back. It is you that has to do the work. He may have been annoying. But it was you who nuked the marriage.

I believe you are remorseful over what you did. I don't think you yet grasp the depth of the damage and the hurt you've done to your husband and your children.

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L4,

How are you? Hanging in there OK?

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L4,

Don't give up!

Give him a day or two but try to remain in contact with him. Just be certain you don't turn defensive and try to justify the affair in any way.

He is angry because he has been hurt and his anger follows that.

While he might not have done much in the way of meeting your ENs for quite a while, I think that you might find that it's been a while since he felt you met his as well. If he just recently began to show more concern for you he is probably really feeling trashed and will for a while.

Saving your marriage will be the single hardest thing you've ever attempted at this point, but it still might happen though it will take a lot longer than you might want or expect.

Hang in there, L4. Lot;s of us are here to help...

Mark

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Well done L4.

You've received great advice.

Your husbands anger will subside.

(((L4)))


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
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Hey L4,

How's it going?

Quote
Don't give up!

Give him a day or two but try to remain in contact with him. Just be certain you don't turn defensive and try to justify the affair in any way.

This is why we were able to begin recovery.....my WH never did try to justify his actions or blame me. If he had, we'd be D'd by now.

Still praying for you.

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
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I've been out of of the house since I revealed the deception two nights ago and he kicked me out. I'll be back at home tomorrow, sleeping in the guest room.

As you probably expect from your own experiences, it's been very tough. But seriously... All of you have been such a comfort. Your directness and focus on accountability has been good for me. It keeps me in reality, as painful as it has been.

He now appears to be open to not jumping right to the divorce option. I can't fault him if that's where we end up. His accusations have softened but he's still rightfully hurt and saying things that are very hurtful to me. I'm trying to give him room. There will come a time when the verbal abuse will have to stop or I'll have to walk away, but for now, I'm taking what I deserve. I have to believe at some point it will lessen or stop.

I have no idea what our future may hold. He has revealed thoughts to me in the last two days that I had never heard from him before -- both positive and very negative. He's sorting through this. I understand. As he said, I've had months to process my deception since it ended while he's had only a couple of days.

He's accusing me now of entrapping the OM. He is actually expressing sympathy for the OM and accusing me of sleeping with all of my co-workers, his co-workers, random bartenders, and anything else that has crossed my path. I've told him over and over again that there was one man -- my first, my only, and my last. He doesn't trust that and I understand why. I don't deserve his trust. But it hurts nonetheless. I know I have no right to be upset by his reactions because of what I did, but I am human and his words are hitting deep.

I met with our pastor today who is providing guidence. I also met with our couple's counselor who endorsed the confession and encouraged me to see it through. H refused to attened today's session with me. The counselor and I talked about how to work this through with the kids.

Right now I care deeply for my H, but in this moment my priority is our children. H says he feels the same way. They are what drives me to get out of bed in the morning. I owe it to them to try to make the best life for all of us -- whether is means H and I are together or apart. Everything has been exposed these last couple of days and everything remains very raw. I have no idea what's going to happen. But I'm committed to riding this through.

Y'all are amazing.

Last edited by Looking4; 10/29/08 10:17 AM.

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Hi, L4. You did a really brave thing and eventually your H will thank you for it.

I just wanted to speak to the experience you are having with your H's 'verbal abuse'. For at least a week, if not two weeks, afetr D-Day, I spent most of my days hurling verbal acid at H. I was both ashamed and, with time, instructed by how much I wanted to talk to him, just him. I managed to talk to a few friends, but mostly I just wanted to talk to him.....I called him at 2AM, I called him again at 5AM. I called him at noon and every other hour of the day and I cried and yelled and sobbed and screamed. He took most of it.

Eventually all that acid purged itself from my language and we began to talk of other things. Gradually, we began to make our plan for recovery. Now, I still have days when I 'go dark' and hurl a bit more acid. He still takes it, only now I apologise when I come to my senses, and he tells me he understands and that it's OK, and as we go along these days seem to happen less and less.

My advice to you is to just listen. I got FURIOUS in the early days when H would say "I understand", because clearly he didn't. I got FURIOUS when he would say, "I don't believe that I'm a completely evil person", because in my mind just then he WAS, and my venting was largely about me in those days. Later on, when our talk became about us, there were appropriate places for him to defend himself against an unfair accusation, but I'd wait on that if I were you for now.

IMO, the best thing you can do right now is to say "I deserve this, I feel awful, I'm sorry". All the other stuff can wait. He's so damaged right now. His self-esteem is in the trash and he probably feels a very ugly need to trash yours, too. It's not a good place to be and it's not healthy, but it's something that I for one had to process through. It was like lancing an infection.

Do you have a plan for your kids? I stayed with my mother for a few weeks after D-day, and then went up to my family's summer house for a month after that. At Mum's the kids were with me, but H had them one evening per week and every other weekend. Once we moved up to the shore, he came to stay with us frequently.....several nights a week, plus weekends.

I highly recommend 'getting away'. Just three weeks after d-day, being away from the places where the A had happened, being away from the places where our M was so strained really helped. We experienced a very sweet 'honeymoon' phase there. It wasn't all happy; we talked through some painful stuff, we explored MB lots and did the questionnaires, we cried, but we also rediscovered our physical relationship and learned how to talk again. It didn't last.....we had hard work to do after that, but it gave us something positive to hang on to when things got hard again. It was a good foundation for our recovery work.

Good luck to you. Glad you did the right thing. I'm keeping you and especially your BH in my thoughts.




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Looking4,

I'm glad you updated us. I was wondering what had transpired since your confession. It sounds like a positive step that you are moving back home.

I would highly recommend you start to journal if you haven't already. Just jot down how you are feeling, etc, etc. It really helps to release all of that onto paper.

I'm also glad to read you are looking for guidance from your pastor and MC.

What did the MC say about the verbal abuse? I'm not sure what advice to give you about that because that is something my DH never did to me. The down side of moving back home is your H may spew constantly at you. I personally would not be able to tolerate something like that and would set boundaries about it. Sure he's mad, but IMO he doesn't have the right to verbally abuse you. Hopefully those with experience in this area will give you advice on how to handle this part of it.

LC


Last edited by lifeschoice; 10/29/08 07:24 AM. Reason: to change a word or 2




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L$,

If he moves away from the verbal abuse but falls back into it sometimes it is something that will need to be addressed but should probably be delayed since you have bigger problems right now.

I don't know if you have read many things here or any of Dr Harley's books but there is one thing that makes MB methods different than all the rest. That is the goal of Dr Harley's methods is to restore the love between you that brought you together in the first place. That should be the focus and the area where the most effort is put forth.

Improved communication is a must. Feeling safe from verbal abuse is a must. Being able to discuss an issue without either one of you hurting the other is a must.

None of those things matter one bit unless you love each other.

By this point you should have read the Basic Concepts. Begin trying to figure out what your H's ENs are and do what you can to meet them beginning right now. Also identify Love Busters that you tend to commit and work toward ending them.

Spend as much time together with your husband as you can manage right now. Don't bother discussing the relationship issues, save that for counseling sessions or a scheduled time during the week. Do as many fun things together as you can.

You see, the basis of all of this MB stuff is that if you both make deposits into each others Love Banks while avoiding making withdrawals due to Love Busters, then you WILL feel love toward each other. And when you are IN LOVE, a lot of serious problems become less important and many of them actually resolve themselves.

One thing to avoid like the plague right now is telling him in anger over his verbal assault that you had an affair because of anything he did or did not do. I know it's easy to say that when things are not spiraling out of control in an abusive argument and almost impossible to do when he says something you know was designed to hurt you. Just remember, that you can only control yourself and your own reactions, not his, so you do your half and eventually his half should come around. If it doesn't show improvement in a couple of weeks, assuming you are in control of your half of the relationship by then, things need to be addressed.

While it would be great to get him here so that he can get help with his share in all of this, do not try to convince him to post here by nagging him into doing it. Rather begin to practice the MB way of recovery by meeting his ENs, avoiding LBs, being totally honest with him, attempting to negotiate agreement on things instead of doing things on your own and spending as much time together doing recreational things more than trying to solve the problems that likely go back to even before the beginning of your marriage.

I would suggest either buying or finding a copy of His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters or get a copy of Fall In Love Stay In Love. Begin to read and ask questions.

Surviving An Affair might also benefit you right now and especially if your husband would read it. But you can't spend the energy and time trying to fix his half right now.

Support is good and you will continue to get a lot of that. But if you want your marriage to come out of this BETTER than it was, you need to work on restoring the love to your marriage as your first priority.

We spend so much time dealing with affairs around here and trying to help each other solve deep rooted issues that we sometimes forget that the basis of all that Dr Harley teaches is that if we do specific things the right way (meet ENs and avoid love busters) then our spouse will be IN LOVE with us. And when we're IN LOVE, we have incentive to fix all the rest.

That is after all, what makes this place different than all the rest. We don't learn to communicate with each other, we learn to love each other first...

Hang in there, L4!

The scary part is past; now comes the hard part...

Mark

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Originally Posted by lifeschoice
Looking4,


What did the MC say about the verbal abuse? I'm not sure what advice to give you about that because that is something my DH never did to me. The down side of moving back home is your H may spew constantly at you. I personally would not be able to tolerate something like that and would set boundaries about it. Sure he's mad, but IMO he doesn't have the right to verbally abuse you. Hopefully those with experience in this area will give you advice on how to handle this part of it.

LC

I would advise you to listen to the poster's who instructed you to accept the nasty words today in order to save your marriage tomorrow.

What you are hearing are just words from someone whom you wounded so badly he does not know what else to do. They are JUST words, you committed ACTS against him. You need to take it until he is finished. That time will come rather quickly in my experience.

If my FWW set some 'boundry' that I couldn't express my disgust, anger, hurt and pain, she would have ended up at the curb.

I'd suggest you take the majority advice here.

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Quote
One thing to avoid like the plague right now is telling him in anger over his verbal assault that you had an affair because of anything he did or did not do. I know it's easy to say that when things are not spiraling out of control in an abusive argument and almost impossible to do when he says something you know was designed to hurt you. Just remember, that you can only control yourself and your own reactions, not his, so you do your half and eventually his half should come around. If it doesn't show improvement in a couple of weeks, assuming you are in control of your half of the relationship by then, things need to be addressed.

I'm glad Mark jumped in and said this because I honestly have no clue how to deal with the verbal abuse at the level your H is at right now. I agree you do your very best to control your half and hopefully he will come around.

LC





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For the record, I don't condone verbal abuse and it does sound like it was an issue before the affair in some ways. That said, that can't be the primary focus right now.

L4, you only have control over your actions not your husband's. While Angry Outbursts (AOs) are Love Busters for sure, his anger is something he has to take control of. And if you resist his being angry right now by defending your actions during the affair in terms of his reaction to it, then his anger will not dissipate but will grow.

What I suggest is doing things the MB way from your side of the equation and see if he doesn't follow along. If he doesn't, then address those things one at a time. In other words, don't try to fix him, fix yourself and let him be attracted to you so that he wants to fix himself.

If serious abuse issues continue, then deal with them in an appropriate way. Just don't ever attempt to justify your affair in terms of his verbal abuse or anything else he might have done or not have done. THAT will stop him from recovery faster than anything else. It will keep him stuck in constant triggers and the result will be a divorce or a bad relationship with lots of stress and serious issues for as long as it lasts.

As much as you want to "move forward" with this, only you can move right now. He is still processing and it will probably take a couple of years to do it completely. Just don't ever compare him to your affair partner or try to make your affair the result of his choices or actions. It takes a special kind of understanding of the human nature to get over those that frankly, most will never have. Most people will respond to those things in predictable manner. They will be hurt, lash out in anger and make things worse.

Learn about ENs and LBs and do that work for a couple of weeks and then see if he is still stuck. If so, then other actions need to happen.

If he begins to show signs of physical abusiveness, leave and get to safety at once. If your saftey is in jeopardy, protect yourself first.

If he is venting, try to let him do so within reason.

Mark

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