I hope you set that message to unread if that can be done when using a keylogger.

I think she needs to commit to NC but I also think that it is pretty much clear that rah rah boy wants absolutely no contact so she would be a fool to continue her attempts at contacting him.

Continue to do things that make you look like you're having a great time - out to eat, exercise, movies, whatever. When she finds she's been dumped, turns around to look at you and sees you getting on with your life, you'll suddenly look like the most attractive guy on earth. (theoretically)

But don't stop doing Plan A, making the homelife great, no LBs, etc.

MG71,

It sounds like you are still doing everything right.

I agree with leaving the internet connected. You should consider logging all of her contact/attempted contact with OB, just in case. It might also help you to see if/how much her attempted communications with OB have dropped in number.

Call me super-paranoid, but I wouldn't put it past a WS and their OP to completely fabricate the type of "leave me alone!" e-mail you posted eariler, just to throw you off. She might know or suspect that you are tracking her internet activity, and simply not care right now.

Despite what you've said to her, she's probably assuming this will end in divorce, or that you will punish her for the rest of her life if she does stay married. You need to let her know that it's not the affair that will dictate the future...it's how she conducts herself from this point forward. Assuming that's how you feel, of course.

If her work cell phone was taken, one of the first things she'll want to do when she leaves the house again is get her hands on another cell phone. She may get her own provider, or she might get a pay-as-you-go phone, which is impossible to obtain records for. You have to physically find the phone to know it exists.

"Surviving An Affair" is a good book. I would also recommend "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It will help you quite a bit, but it will help your W much, much more if she will willingly sit down and read it.

Get her tested for STDs.

One thing that many people here will not agree with:

If I was in your shoes, and after 3-4 weeks I was still getting dubious answers or no answers at all, I'd suggest a polygraph test. If she balks, I'd wait another week or so then do this:

Start a new email account (Yahoo, whatever) with a username similar to the one he uses now. Block his current email address from your computer (in secret, of course), so that no incoming emails from that address can be received.

Then, you contact her, posing as OB. Tell her that you closed your old email and opened this one to avoid getting caught. Tell her that you'll talk to her, but you won't meet her in person.

From this point, you'll have to use your creativity and knowledge of your wife, OB, and the A to get information out of her. Exercise plenty of patience and be ready to learn some hurtful things. Do this right and you can learn much. Get the info you want, then have OB declare his undying love for his fiance, declare that your W doesn't even compare, and that the A was the biggest mistake of his life.

If my W had denied me information I needed, I would've stooped to this level.

Keep your guard up. Most 22-year-olds would have unprotected sex with a heroin-addicted Haitian prostitute with hemophilia if it meant they could "get some". Don't think for a second that OB won't put it all on the line. After a couple of weeks of not getting his lil' smokie wet, the thought will occur to him.

"We can do it one more time without getting caught!"

Do not assume he's out of the picture yet.

You are doing a great job so far.

Rah-Rah! Rah-Rah Boy!

This will help her defog much quicker. No illusions about where he stands.

I don't agree with the fake email account from OB at all.

That is not going to be constructive. He's established NC and is now fighting for his future. She's not worth it to him.

Reality is crubling around WW.

Creating a fake account is somewhat childish, IMHO. It's one thing to create a fake profile to see if the wife is still flirting with guys online. It's another to impersonate a real person that she could easily identify by the way he writes.

There's really nothing to be gained by him doing this and it will just blow up in his face.

Rah-Rah Boy is freaked out and sees his future in jeapordy and is not willing to risk it with WW. It really is OVER.

So now she must face the aftermath and the reality and make a choice about fixing her marriage or pursuing a dead end or ending the marriage altogether.

MG, make sure you go back into the email account and mark the message as "Unread" or you will tip your hat that you're in her email.

I agree and had the same thought. She is DESPERATE.


Bad advice Krazy. He KNOWS it's over because he's been talking to OB's father who told MG personally that he was going to cut OB off from medical school. The affair is over at least from OB's point of view. Now, WW, that may be a different story.

I bet she does send OB one more email today and it will be a expletive laced major rant about what he has done to her and how bad her life is now. Then it should be over.

Withdrawal from OB and the fantasy should be accelerated in this case due to the monumental consequences exposure has caused her and OB’s swift exit.

Heck, he even admits to betraying her; “They know everything.”

All in one week!

Unless the marriage was a hopeless disaster prior to the adultery, and this does not appear to be the case, she will probably agree to recovery in the next few days.

Keep Plan A going. No love busters. Stay vigilant for deception by WW and OB. And now prepare for the hard part; Recovery.

Make no mistake MG, what you have done so far has been easy compared to the drawn out minefield known as recovery.

Get a call into the Harleys so they can help you make a plan.

I also disagree with the fake email, but only because I think she needs to be willing to work on the marriage. That includes telling you exactly what happened, where, when, etc. If she does not open up and tell you, then she is not willing. Lie detector is good idea to assure you it is the truth. The fake email would give you information about the affair but might blow up in your face as well. To me the fake email is more of a last ditch effort if she said she is done and you still feel like you need to know.

Like the other details of the A, I think I'd give her a chance to come clean on this one and just insinuate that you know a lot more than you do. For example, I'd say something like "I would like very much for you to commit to never contacting rah-rah again." When she says "I haven't talked to him all week!" you can say "You and I both know you are not committed to no contact. I would like a commitment from you that there will be no more contact."

If she agrees, ask her to write a NC letter that YOU review, approve, and mail to rah-rah. Explore with her what precautions will be put in place to ensure that contact does not occur. Don't take "I just won't contact him" for an answer. Tell her that she has proven to be weak and untrustworthy. Ask her if she wants to give up her internet access, to put a bug on the phone, to put a GPS on her car. Explain to her that this is not to control or punish her, but to help her rebuild your trust in her. See what she says. Follow through with this.

If she is stupid enough to say (and I'm betting she is) she hasn't tried to contact him or that there has been no contact, tell her "You and I both know that is a lie. We can discuss our situation again when you're ready to be honest with me." and then I'd leave the room. I'd let her stew and panic and wonder WHAT do you know and HOW do you know it?

At this point, realistically you should expect nothing from her but depression and anger. She has to get through withdrawal from rah-rah before she can think clearly and begin to focus on what she wants for her future. Which is kind of funny, really, because YOU are the one holding all the cards.

Even though she is incapable of committing to NC right now, I think you should still gently let her know that is what you expect. Set the bar high. Remind her that you don't want to punish her, you want to protect the marriage from her bad decisions and poor boundaries. Encourage her that she can change these and gain your trust back, but that it will take time.

I agree, do NOT create a fake email account.

I did it and it nearly backfired.....gave WH reason NOT to trust me after we were starting on recovery. It would be worst for you because you couldn't tell her like I did that very same night ETA (after he told me about it and asked me to delete it for him....that built my trust in him, but he was devastated when I said to "look really closely at the address" before deleting and he realized that I was capable of such deceit.)

It's a game....don't play games with the truth.

Keep up the great work, MG. You're inspiring many here as well as many cyberlurkers you may never know about.

Thanks,
Ace

P.S. Hi Chrisner.

I stated that the fake email account tactic should be used only after giving her the opportunity to fess up on her own, and after she refuses to take a polygraph test.

I say get the truth at all costs, if you need to. If you can accept lies and live with them, do so.

It will not and cannot backfire, unless you admit to deceiving her. There is no way to prove who was actually sending the messages.

If she (or any WS) doesn't like it, then she shoulda been honest in the first place. I say all's fair.



OB is in shock right now, too, no doubt.

Despite all that he said, I would not assume he's out of the picture, yet. If his fiance dumped him, he might be *sniffle* all depressed and sad, and turn to her for "comfort", with little regard for his future.

We've all seen WSs throw away everything for a fling....WSs that weren't youngsters, either.

Totally disagree with the fake email account.
That is dishonest and it is entrapment.

Rah-Rah is in damage control mode on his end. I'm sure he's been feeding his fiance a bunch of wayward lies and trying to win her back and his dad is probably watching him like a hawk. Putting his med school chances at risk is also a big incentive on his part to cut things off.

I really feel he's out of the picture and is probably kicking himself for what he thought was harmless fun all along and a fling. There doesn't appear to be any romantic love and was simply enjoying the escapades of being with an older woman.

This was nothing more than a throw away fling for him and it's now blown up on him big time.

MG is the one in total control in this situation and I'd encourage him to just lie still for now, Plan A, 180, and watch as she goes through withdrawl.

It is dishonest, of course. Everyone lies, and this particular lie is for a very good cause...a BSs peace of mind.

Entrapment? Not a chance. Just because he emails her and says "This is OB", does not mean she has to respond. If she does respond, too bad.

One more thing:

There is NO WAY, NOT A CHANCE IN ____ that OB's father will cease paying for medical school if he's caught messing with her again.

It is a threat without teeth. No sane parent would wreck their child's future because they banged the wrong person. No way.

Nix to the fake email addy idea...very bad idea. I think you already know that.

No need to nix the idea completely. It should be used as a last resort.

She should be given every opportunity to avoid this tactic, but I do not believe the BS should have to A) Live with lies or B) Get a divorce if the WS refuses to be honest.

I would suggest sodium pentathol or waterboarding, but those options aren't legal.

A fake email account isn't going to kill anyone, should it become the only option for obtaining the truth.

Keep the internet visability to yourself. No comments about her attempted contact. She is still fogged, going thru withdrawal depression, and "thinking" she can do some damage control with you. You might find that source useful again later. If you need a source of info, it not your ability to see her internet activity, it's pompom boy's admission to his father and the school.

An STD test is in order for both of you. Tell her you both need to be tested for your sake and sanity.

Set up appointments to talk with her, this way no one feels blind sided. Tell her if she's going to continue to lie, don't bother saying anything.

Getting her a cellphone on your plan is a very good proactive choice to ensure you can see the calls. Personally, I would tap the home phone, thats were she is spending all of her time.

You’re right Krazy, I COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DISAGREE WITH YOUR TACTICS.

DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH THE TRUTH.

MG71: PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS.

Your means of intel is solid for now and gives you everything you need to know regarding the status of your wife’s affair in terms of contact with OB.

Jo

I agree, don't play mind games. It will just eat at you.

I would however like to take a moment and preach, preach, preach.

Things are going to well for you, could you take a few minutes and do the following?

Clear all your cookies,
Delete any and all temporary internet files
Clear all internet history

If your using windows 2000/XP/Vista, try and keep all your visits to MB on a seperate account
and make sure you logout of the Mb account and back into your usual one whenever you leave the computer.

It would be such a shame to see a flawless execution of MB concepts be thwarted by a angry snooping WW.