Cat, what about visiting just you? Or maybe you already discussed that scenario with her. Going on this way isn't helping your M. Independent Behavior won't either. Have you been honest with him, that this is a crisis, and the options your H is looking at are unnaccpetable to you? That you two need to get on the same page for a solution for this, now? That if he didn't like that CCC lady, that you're willing to go to someone like maybe there's a Merrill Lynch guy or whatever, but that this has to change now?

We've been avoiding it pretty much, but it's coming to a head. I'll get something done. I have to.

Hi cat,

I think I missed something so I'll hafta go back and read more carefully when I have time (I'm at work right now). But I wanted to offer support right away.

Would it be possible for him to send an email memo reminding his boss of the agreement? That begins to lay out a paper trail (well, electronic trail) of the agreement, plus it can be easier to send an email than to ask in person.

If so, he should blind-cc it to another account - a personal acct of his, or yours, or something. You can set up a free gmail account and store things there, e.g.

Re. friends with benefits - I thought that meant having sex?

Maybe the solution is to have e-mail exchanges with him for a while.

Frankly, he doesn't seem so unreasonable. I agree with much if not all of what he says.

Many have said the world is different from your husband. I have to wonder if that's really good. Given much of what you've said and knowing that the incidence of STDs amongst teens is much greater than when I was a kid, if your husbands concerns are not without warrant.

Frankly, there is nothing wrong with a father saying that if the boy you are dating can't seem to find pants that fit and wont fall off in a strong gust of wind, or too much change in his pockets he's not welcome in my home.

He may think spending money to modify a car is not a wise decision.

What he wants does not seem so unreasonable.

The impression I get is that he wants to have a say in what boundaries are placed upon his daughter. As I've said before, and this e-mail confirms it. He's frustrated that you are going to do things your way with YD and his concerns seem not to matter.

Right or wrong, that is his impression and it likely drives much of his behavior.

You've been called out on IB by folks here, and I can see him expressing a complaint about what appears to be IB. So those concerns about your IB have merit it seems.

But if you are afraid to talk to him, why not draft him an e-mail. He seems to be rather respectful AND OPEN to this means of communication. It seems e-mail defuses some of the difficult emotions surrounding communication for him and perhaps for you too.

So I suggest you ponder this.

Jayne, that's a good idea, the email. I'll ask him about it.

Well, D18 isn't having sex yet, so all she can do is the hugging and kissing, lol.

Hi EE, thanks for visiting. All valid points. I have no excuse for the way of dealing with him that I have created. I know he has a good heart.

What a stressful day. So many emotions I don't even know where I'm at. This is going to sound really awful and if you want to teach me a lesson about how heartless I was, please don't. I'm already beating myself up for it.

D18's godfather (H's best friend) died last weekend, and H has been going down to his town all week to help get things ready for the memorial (last night) and the funeral today. It's about an hour drive from our home.

D18 has Homecoming Dance tonight, and I had made her a 2pm hair appointment, but H said we had to be at his friend's house at noon to ride in the limousines, so I moved the appointment to 4 and her manicure to 5, thinking the funeral was at noon. Turns out it was at 2; he told me noon so I would get there on time because he says I always make him late to everything. We go to get in the limos at 1:45, and I say, shouldn't we drive our car? Our time is going to run short, D18's date is picking her up at 6. But H wanted to be part of the family, he was honored to be included (that need for admiration), and H says 'don't worry about it, Fats wanted a really short funeral, it'll all be done by 3.' Basically, H was so honored that we were considered family and got to ride in the limousines and that he got to speak during the service, that he didn't want to consider cutting our time short to accommodate D18's date. I'm not blaming him, he deserves this, I'm just explaining how it all got so convoluted.

I fully understood that H wanted to be all included in the event, but as usual I was feeling in the middle because D18 was starting to stress out, crying about Fats and his funeral, and worrying about making it to the dance, and I'm sure feeling guilty for worrying about the dance, when her godfather was being buried. And H was crying for his friend (they saw each other about once every 2 years) and feeling overwhelmed, and still seeing D18 upset about not getting to go to her Homecoming dance. So I was trying to find a middle ground, where I could keep in his mind how late it was getting, and keep her from getting upset about not having her dream date, and trying to be there for H.

By 3:30, the funeral was still going on, and it was so packed I couldn't get outside to try to switch appointments again (Fats was the kind of man who helped everyone; people actually lined up on the street to watch the funeral procession, he was so well liked). Anyway, this old retired preacher got up to talk at the end of the service, and apparently he hadn't been on the pulpit for a couple decades because, once he got up there, he got on a roll. He talked for a full hour! And that was after the 1 1/2 hours of singing and talking and eulogies; people were leaving in the middle of it, it went on so long. He was the kind of traditional black Baptist preacher who breaks into song every 15 minutes, and the whole crowd starts singing, and it goes on...and a 20 minute sermon takes 2 hours.

Anyway, before the preacher started, they had talked about going directly to the cemetary, so I calculated the time and figured there was no way we were going to make the appointments, and the dance was in doubt. I did a really bad thing. I was so stressed out about trying to be there for H, and trying to make D18's last Homecoming as special as possible, and crying about losing Fats, and keeping D18 from crying, that I looked at the time and it was after 4(!), and it just slipped out: I said 'We're screwed! We're not going to make it.'

I immediately felt lower than dirt, but it really hurt H's feelings. I tried to apologize, but he was so upset, told me how disrespectful I was, and I said I know, I'm sorry, I'm just so stressed out over trying to meet both your and D18's needs, I can't help trying to take care of everything. Then D18 started crying because we were arguing about HER dance, so she felt guilty. He got over it, but I can't stop thinking about it, and hating myself. I know that if we hadn't had two things going on the same day, I never would have been so insensitive, we would have just spent the whole day there like we usually do and it would have been fine. But this was D18's last dance except for prom next spring, and she had been determined to be the best looking girl at the dance, to spend 4 hours getting ready, to show her exbf what he was missing, you know?

But it really brought home to me that I spend all my time worrying about how everyone else feels. It wasn't that I wanted to get home; it was that D18 was worried about not getting to have her dream day getting ready for a dance. And it was that we had made two appointments and those people now had no-shows and were losing money. And it was that H was feeling so good about being a part of the funeral and I was being a selfish witch and ruining it for him.

I worried about H wanting to be totally in the moment with Fats' family. I worried about watching D18's dream date go down the drain - her exbf is taking her, and this was her chance to wow him to show him how amazing and gorgeous she is, so he would decide to ask her out again. We were going to go to the mall and have someone do her makeup, then get the hair updo, then get her manicure.

Anyway, enough people finally left that I could squeeze out and call and cancel her appointments. The funeral director finally comes in and grabs the other microphone and gets things going, so we're piling out and I asked H to ask someone for a ride back to our car so D18 and I could leave (it was 4:30), and he said 'please, just go with it; don't say anything.' So I shut up and we got back in the limousine, and D18 started crying when she realized we were still an hour away from leaving, which made H feel worse about not getting the hours straight.

So we go to the cemetary, and we're all crying, and it was such a nice ceremony. Then we pack up again and go back to Fats' house for the after party, and I take D18 and leave H there at 5:30. (I have to go back and get him) The freeway was a dead stop because of beach traffic (people leaving Galveston heading back into Houston), so I went another way, and we didn't get back until 6:30 (dance started at 7). exbf shows up at 7, and we still weren't ready, finally just put her hair in a ponytail, did some good makeup, and sent her on her way.

So now I'm sitting here destressing, and waiting to make sure D18 gets to the dance after dinner cos exbf's car keeps dying, and it's an hour later, and H calls to ask why I'm not back there yet, cos he wanted me to meet this lady who wanted me to turn her book into a movie script, and 'she couldn't wait for you any longer.' So he says "That's ok, don't worry about it, no big deal." His PA way of saying 'I'm disappointed in you yet again, but don't worry about it cos that's all I expect from you' (and yes, he has said this to me, in those words, several times). So once again, I'm screwing up everyone's lives.

I swear to God, one of these days I'm just going to get in my car and drive away and disappear. Like I asked IC when I was leaving her session discussing how to take care of D18, when does someone start worrying about ME?

I know that's insensitive. I'm just so tired of being everyone's disappointment and having no one spend a single minute wondering if I'm ok.

Hi Cat, don't beat yourself up so much. I don't think it was such a horrible, insensitive thing to tell your husband. People get stressed and things pop out. You apologized, and that should be the end of it.

There's only so much one person can do, and you did the best you could. In hindsight, your dd should have stayed home and did the prep for her date, its too much to ask an 18 yr old girl to attend a funeral in the afternoon and then switch masks to a vivacious and gorgeous, coiffed and gowned young woman for her date.

I would imagine that your husband felt bad that the time slipped away, but that he didn't really know how to handle it. The two cars thing might have worked, but you didn't know how long the funeral would be.

There will be other big dates in your dd's life, so don't worry too much over this one.

Cat, have you had a thought lately about what you can do to request that your dd and dh meet your needs? I see a lot of attempted mind-reading from you and your dh instead of talking. Could you be straight forward with your husband and say "I'm feeling very stressed out lately, and worn out from trying to help everyone. I could use some time to de-stress. So, on Saturday would you please take dd to her piano lesson so I can do x (some nice activity that you enjoy).

Funerals and weddings both are stressful and cause people to lose it sometimes. Please try to not feel too bad about this slip-up.

Cat, I just have a minute, so I wanted to send you a hug (((cat))) and tell you that one day soon, you're going to realize that you are in the driver's seat. It sounds like maybe you figured that out today already. Thank you for sharing with me this week what you did about not stressing out to make sure everyone's experiences in my life are just as *I* think they should be. It WAS all as it should be today.

Happy, thanks. Sometimes I just have to be reminded of the simple things, like asking for something. I think I'll do that. I did try to be honest today; H asked this morning if I wanted to go back to Fats' house today for the (5-hour) dinner they're putting on. I said 'not particularly,' and then he got upset again, so I said, 'I've got a lot of housework I never have time for. If I could at least get a couple of loads of laundry done, I'll be glad to go.' So he seemed ok at that. So we stopped and got stuff for him to make spaghetti to take.

He's got this really huge ego thing tied up in Fats' death and him being included as family, and being asked to today's family-only dinner. So I'm trying to support him as much as I can. I had wanted to visit my mom today because Friday was her birthday, but I'll have to postpone that. MrCat is all excited, running around the kitchen making his specialty, in hopes that they'll be impressed with it. Maybe it's because they're black, and he's the only white person who's been included into their circle; I don't know. But I don't want to spoil it for him. My mom will understand.

ears, I know you're right. But I can't tell you the number of times D18 has had something she wanted to do, and we've turned out not being able to do it because H miscalculated his time on whatever it is HE wanted to do first. She has so many disappointments from him.

Hindsight, I should have insisted I drive my car from Fats' house, and let H and D18 ride in the limo. I knew it at the time, but H was so intent on being included with the family that I didn't have the heart to get in the way of that. Even when I knew we were going to be in trouble with the time.

Cat - I'm not sure what to say, but I wish you and I could sit together on my front porch and share a bottle of wine or something. Something tells me we'd have a good conversation.

As I read the funeral/dance story, I shared in your angst. I've been in situations like that, known that kind of stress from both ends, and just felt so bad for you and your daughter.

It seems in our house, the littlest event brings on an anxiety issue for my husband. He sees me bustling around and giving orders, so he takes that as a cue to run his own version of the same. When I need him to be the calm one, he can't handle it.

It's hard to enjoy holidays or anything. It's like we can never have a good time without a blow up and tears preceding it. We're all sick of it. And...we're always having to wait until he is ready to leave and then the rest of us are stressed to be there on time, and he's gotta go the speed limit - or below to create more angst, I have to wonder, when other times he doesn't think twice about going 5+ miles over.

I've learned that even when I'm a mess as far as anxiety level, I've gotta hold it in because he sometimes takes on my attitude and that gives me no room to vent or express my anxiety. On top of being anxious, I have to worry about him losing it too.

Sooly, that is exactly what happens with us. My IC told me to start initiating driving in two cars to reduce the stress, but when I try it I get more stress from him over doing it, than I would be being late.

Hi Cat, what about calling a cab when it becomes obvious that he's fluffed up the timings again. After he gets a couple of $30 cab fares to pay off he might learn to be better with the timing.

Cat, when I started taking a second car it was such a big horrible deal to my H. It made things much much MUCH worse in the short term. I would suggest to talk to him ahead of time in a calm moment, and then have backup plans.

Ears, is your husband more accepting of the 2-car method now, or did you give up on it because he saw it as a LB?

I can see how someone wouldn't like it, its sort of assuming that the spouse will mess up and you'll need to fix the problem.

Cat, I didn't mean to say, I think it's a bad idea. I think it is a great idea. I think you two can handle the fallout. Have you ever read Boundaries in Marriage? I'm rereading it, and it's MUCH more specific than I remember. Really good how-tos in there.

Happy, I live in one of the biggest cities (i.e. square miles) in the country. A cab ride from one side of town to the other would cost $100; one from the town we were in would have been at least $200. I live maybe 10 miles from the airport, and that alone costs $30. But I would recommend that idea for most people.

Ears, I am pretty sure H knows how many times he has screwed up on the time like that, so I am going to keep an eye out for opportunities to use the two-car strategy.

One little bit of success. D18's exbf came over yesterday, and he was wearing the same stupid pair of red shorts that H always gripes about. He's lost weight and they actually do hang and show a bit of his boxers; I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know it's doing that. But H saw it and...here we go again. We finally got all the food ready to take to his friend's house for the continuation of the funeral weekend, and left. He started in about the boy being a crook and a thief and how he's going to be in jail within the year, and why does he have to wear that same stupid pair of shorts and disgrace himself, and D18 is too special to put up with a selfish jerk who won't dress up when he comes to see her.

I finally said that the reason he wears them all the time is he only has 2 pairs of jeans and those shorts, because for some reason his parents won't buy him clothes, he has to get his own (probably their way of making him responsible), and he just doesn't want to spend money on clothes. I said that his mother did take him shopping to get a pair of dress slacks so he could take D18 to the Homecoming dance, and he used the one good shirt he owns already. I said some other things about how unfair and unfounded he is being, and that I can refute every claim against him because I know him a lot better than H. Do you want to get in an argument about this?

He finally said, fine, I won't bring up the topic again. I don't know if he was convinced in any way, but it's a concession. H spends so much money on D18 buying her clothes (it's his way of showing love for her), that I think he was stunned to think that exbf didn't have a closet full of clothes.

Anyway, I stayed calm, used logic, and hopefully got my point across.

Cat, I am trying to understand the issue. Why specifically is your IC suggesting bringing a second car? I thought that it was because your H goes places with you in the car and AOS when you ask him where you are going.

I took a second car because my H would AO me as a captive audience. A cab isn't the smae kind of back up plan in this instance. In this intance, the best a cab could do is pick you up after tyou insisted to be let out of the car. You would be at least a half an hour late to wherever you were trying to get to, waiting for the cab.

Or is the issue not the AOs, but the getting back from events? You left when you decided to, with the car that you two both brought, and picked him up later, is that right?

Cat, I have asthma, and sometimes I get asthma attacks, which happen as coughing fits, when I'm crowded with too many folks, with the colognes and perfumes. Not very often, or even every year, but I do excuse myself outside to get air in those cases, but not pausing to explain, because I am not breathing well at that point. Why were you unable to leave earlier to make your calls? Not attacking, trying to understand.

Have you shared your O&H with your H? How you felt as the clock was ticking? How were you feeling? Angry at yourself for going along? Angry at your H for wanting this connecting at your expense, at DD's expense?

Cat, I see a woman who is taking new steps, to go when she felt she had to, to do what she needed for her daughter. Who did the best she could do with where she is at in her healing process. But who is angry and impatient with herself that she was not further along, for her daughter's sake.



Cat, my experience with boundaries is that I don't have to keep an eye out for these. That it is obvious to me how unwilling I am about getting into the car in certain situations. Like what you said about being the observer.


Your story reminds me of that scene in the Dance of Anger, where the mother and the daughter argue about the whether to go to the crying baby or not. It wasn't ABOUT the baby, it was about navigating a new relationship, as equals. Do you see the parallel here? His relationship with the xbf is theirs to navigate, you don't need to involve yourself unless you want to. They'll be okay, cat, not abandoned, if you detach yourself from it. They are both adults.

I would love to have read you tell him that these conversations are love busters for you, and share with him some topics that you enjoy talking about.

Cat, our MC has us reading men, Women, and Relationships. It talks about how men and women react to stress. That women respond by sharing their feelings, then they feel better, and can look at solutions. But when they try to share their feelings, and are invalidated, then they get very opinionated, as a defense mechanism. What we would call a focus on being right. I find I do that. Al Turtle describes a similar penomenon, he calls it The Lizard, where we are too hurt to be in touch with our feelings.

What do you think?