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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,632
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Honestly, If this were not written in the male gender, I would have sworn it was my WW.
Why is it that waywards don't understand that Honesty is the solution to the problem?
I guess that's how a second secret life is created in the first place, enabaling the A to take place.
Does anyone else feel there should be two lives wihtin a M?
I just don't understand it.
All Blessings, Jerry
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
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Jerry,
Many of us--not just waywards--never give a thought to the level of honesty in our lives. We keep our inner workings private. It's the way most of us were trained.
It was only after my FWH's brutal dishonesty that I really examined the level of it in my half of the M. Did I always share my thoughts and feelings about our relationship in a loving way? My actual emotional needs in a way he could comprehend? Nope. Neither did he. We were both in self-protection mode, seeing the other as the problem. And slowing moving toward Armageddon. I doubt most of us are really honest with OURSELVES. The blame game is so much easier than brutal self-examination.
So it becomes easy to become less than honest with each other, and as so many stories here attest, after a while, the wheels come off. And we learn about honesty, the hard way.
RWH
Me BS 61 Him FWS 63 Married 40 years D-Day 6/30/06 Still can't believe it. 6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 20
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When anxiety and panic kick up its like opening your lifes trash can of all things you have done wrong. we all have one. You should not be kissing anyone other than your wife and not have conversations like the one you had . You know this and wont do it again . I was once house bound with anxiety and panic , seen a shrink that did no good . I ordered the 16 tape set from the midwest center for anxiety. the set is called attacking anxiety. It will be the best money you ever spent . It will rapidly deminish guilt anxiety and helps with depression. Iam presantly looking at a devorce after 27 years of a wonderful marriage . I dont know what would have happened to me without the coping skills I learned from the tape program they have . The impending devorce is the worst thing that ever happened to me and I cant describe how much it sucks. But so far no panic attacks . hope this helps , If you Google Attacking anxiety Im shure you find a link to get it
marryK
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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I betcha his conscience quits sending out GUILT ALERTS when he stops doing things about which he should feel guilty, ie: lying to his wife and failing to making amends. He will feel guilty until he rights that wrong. Until he confesses to her what he did, he will have a wayward mind.
Guilt is a GOOD thing. It is our conscience's way of alerting us that we doing the wrong thing and should correct our course of action.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Quote from Basic Concepts Dishonesty
If your spouse had an affair ten years ago that was a brief indiscretion, would you want to know about it?
If you had an affair ten years ago that you ended because you knew it was wrong, should you tell your spouse about it?
These are tough questions that go to the heart of our fifth Love Buster -- dishonesty.
Dishonesty is the strangest of the five Love Busters. Obviously, no one likes dishonesty, but sometimes honesty seems even more damaging. What if the truth is more painful than a lie?
When a wife first learns that her husband has been unfaithful, the pain is often so great that she wishes she had been left ignorant. When a husband discovers his wife's affair, it's like a knife in his heart -- and he wonders if it would have been better not knowing. In fact, many marriage counselors advise clients to avoid telling spouses about past infidelity, saying that it's too painful for people to handle. Besides, if it's over and done with, why dredge up the sewage of the past?
It's this sort of confusion that leads some of the most well-intentioned husbands and wives to lie to each other, or at least give each other false impressions. They feel that dishonesty will help them protect each other's feelings.
But what kind of a relationship is that? The lie is a wall that comes between the two partners, something hidden, a secret that cannot be mentioned, yet is right under the surface of every conversation.
And dishonesty can be as addictive as a drug. One secret leads to another. If you start using dishonesty to protect each other's feelings, where will it end?
That's why dishonesty is a strange Love Buster. Lies clearly hurt a relationship over the long-term, but truth can also hurt, especially in the short-term. It's no wonder that many couples continue in dishonesty -- because they feel they can't take the shock of facing the truth, at least right now. As a result, the marriage dies a slow death.
Honesty is like a flu shot. It may give you a short, sharp pain, but it keeps you healthier over the following months.
In the case of infidelity, don't you think that your own affair would be one of the most important pieces of information about yourself? How could you ever expect to have an intimate relationship with someone to whom you cannot reveal your most inner feelings?
I'll admit that infidelity is an extreme example of something you would be tempted to lie about. But "little white lies" can be just as destructive when discovered, and there's even less justification for them. If it makes sense to be honest about something as hurtful as an affair, it makes even more sense to be honest about something more trivial, such as buying something you know your spouse would not have approved.
I wanted to use the extreme case of infidelity to underscore the curious nature of this Love Buster and how important honesty is, even in extreme cases. But whether the lie is about something as devastating as an affair, or something that would simply be disappointing to your spouse, it's dishonesty, not honesty, that makes matters worse. I draw a distinction between the pain of a thoughtless act and the pain of knowing about a thoughtless act. Honesty sometimes creates some pain, the pain of knowing that your spouse has been thoughtless. But it is really the thoughtless act itself that causes the pain. Dishonesty may defer some of that pain, but it compounds the pain later. The truth usually comes out eventually, and the months or years of hiding it not only creates an emotional barrier before it is revealed, but also destroys trust afterward.
Dishonesty strangles compatibility. To create and sustain compatibility, you must lay your cards on the table. You must be honest about your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities and plans for the future. When misinformation is part of the mix, you have little hope of making successful adjustments to each other. Dishonesty not only makes solutions hard to find, but it often leaves couples ignorant of the problems themselves.
There's another very important reason to be honest. Honesty tends to make our behavior more thoughtful. If we knew that everything we do and say would be televised and reviewed by all our friends, we would be far less likely to engage in thoughtless acts. Criminals would not steal and commit violent acts as much if they knew they would be caught each time they did. Honesty is the television camera in our lives. We know what we do, and if we are honest about what we do, we tend not to engage in thoughtless acts because we know those acts will be revealed-by ourselves.
In an honest relationship, thoughtless acts are usually corrected. Bad habits are nipped in the bud. Honesty keeps a couple from drifting into incompatibility-as incompatible attitudes and behavior are revealed, they can become targets for elimination. But if these attitudes and behavior remain hidden, they are left to grow out of control.
So many of the couples I've counseled have been confused as to what constitutes honesty in marriage, that I have created a policy to explain it. I call it the Policy of Radical Honesty, because so many think it's radical. But from my perspective either you are honest or you are dishonest. There is no middle ground. You are not an honest man if you are dishonest with your wife.
Last edited by Pepperband; 11/03/08 10:01 AM.
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