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#2152552 11/03/08 11:47 AM
Joined: May 2002
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Copied and pasted from another thread.
Didn't want it to get buried and lost in that other thread, nor sidetrack the other thread from its original poster.
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One of the problems I am having is that H is living with OW and has one of our 4 children living with him. I have told him that I know what is going on, even though he continues to have the kids lie to me to cover for him. He has told me that she doesn't live there, and (of course) that there is nothing going on between them. I have told him that I do not want her around when the kids are there, but he continues to expose them to this situation. I have told him that he is doing nothing but confusing the kids, especially the younger ones because they don't understand what is going on.

Next weekend is our daughters birthday and H told me that she wanted to invite OW and her 2 younger brothers to her birthday party. He asked me how to tell her that she couldn't then tried to make me feel guilty that I wouldn't give him an answer. I later told him "I couldn't believe that he even had the nerve to ask me that, I mean come on, what am I supposed to do, welcome her with open arms after she tore my family apart?" His response was "It did take two, and we are adults, what happened to all that talk about the past is the past?" I told him that "yes the past is the past, but he is the one that brought her into it now, I would love to forget she ever even existed, but that cannot happen as long as she is around."

I just don't know how to handle this with the kids. My 15yo son absolutely hates her, 14yo just deals with her because he gets along with her little brother, and by 7yo and 9yo like going around because i think she is like an older sister to them. She paints their fingernails, does their hair and makeup.

S14 is the one that lives with H, (his biological, but I have raised him since he was 2). Since he moved in with H two weeks ago, he is failing 4 classes in school, before he moved, he had 80's in all of his classes except 1 70. Now he is failing 4 classes, and of all things Spanish, when OW speaks it. I asked S14 if he was having problems in Spanish, why didn't he just ask her, she lives there, and he said because it was "proper Spanish" that she didn't understand it. Come on, she just finished college, i guess she couldn't even take the time to read his book to try to help him out? That really upset me.

I know I am really struggling and have to read more on this site, but I need whatever support I can get right now. His family is supportive of his affair, because they have hard feelings towards me because of something that he told them (I don't know what it was). So they feel anything besides me is a blessing and he is better off.

H will be 38 at the end of this month and OW just turned 24. I don't know if he is going through a midlife crisis or what, on top of having bipolar disorder. Of course I have tried to reason with him and that is a lost cause, but I am grasping at straws here. Please someone, help!
_________________________
W-38 H-37
4 children(S15,S14,D9,D7)
Married 12 years
Separated 9-12-3008
Affair since 5-2008 (that I'm aware of)
4th separation in 4 years
1st July 2004/lasted 3 months
2nd August 2005/lasted 3 weeks
3rd January 2007/lasted 4 months
4th September 2008

Joined: May 2002
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Next weekend is our daughters birthday and H told me that she wanted to invite OW and her 2 younger brothers to her birthday party. He asked me how to tell her that she couldn't then tried to make me feel guilty that I wouldn't give him an answer.

If the party is at your house, then you tell your DD that no, OW and her children are not welcome in your home. Period.

If the party is at your (ex?)husband's house then you have no say and he can invite whomever he likes.

I'm not sure what other questions you had, so if you could maybe list them it would make it easier to tell where you were just ranting and where you were asking for suggestions.

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Your the host, what you want goes, that means no Ho's.

Joined: Mar 2007
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Ok, I'm really lost as to what to do next. I exposed the affair and he was actually truthful with me for the first time in a long time. He tells me it has been going on since December of last year. They have been living together since September. He doesn't know why he hates me so much. He says that is what he is working on with his therapist. He told me to ask him anything and he would tell me the truth, but he won't talk to me in person because he doesn't feel that he can contain his temper long enough to talk to me in person. I really need some guidance. I told him that I do not want a divorce, that I still feel deep in my heart that there is something worth salvaging. He told me he doesn't want any part of our marriage, he can talk to me better and relate to me better as friends. He says our marriage just brings back bad memories of him drinking and using pills to run away from having to deal with real life. He also told me that basically he married me so he would have someone to support him and his son. Hello, that was 11 years ago. Something must have happened and there must have been some feelings there.

I told him that I don't feel comfortable with the kids being over there overnight since they are living together and he told me that I don't have a choice, he knows his rights as a father and if I won't let him pick them up on his weekends then he will just pick them up from school and there is nothing I can do about it. I expressed my concerns about what this is teaching the kids and he just keeps throwing it back in my face that "you always think that you are the only one that thinks about the kids, the kids are my life, i do think about them". His comment was Women come and go, but our kids will always be our kids.

He told me that he will not ever come back home, he will not put himself back into that situation. What can I do to change that? I am working on finding a therapist for myself and our kids, still having a little trouble but will find something. He says that he is getting help, and just from the way he talks, he is going, but it seems like the therapist is just pushing him to cut his ties with me with the exception of the kids.

Please help, I am even willing to start over completely with this man, if it means starting at friends again and working our way back up the ladder. He fell in love with me once, can it happen again, or am I just wishing the impossible?


W-38 H-37
4 children(S15,S14,D9,D7)
Married 12 years
Separated 9-12-3008
Affair since 5-2008 (that I'm aware of)
4th separation in 4 years
1st July 2004/lasted 3 months
2nd August 2005/lasted 3 weeks
3rd January 2007/lasted 4 months
4th September 2008

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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klabshire, have your children been told this is an adulterous affair and why adultery is immoral? I would set them down and explain this to them and then disallow them from being around her. To do that, you would want to file for legal separation or divorce and get it specified that he not bring them around his wh*res.

Nor should you allow an STD wh*re in your home around your children.

Your H is trying to teach your kids that wrong is right and I would put a stop to that right now before he screws up their minds too much.

Have you exposed the affair YOURSELF to his parents? The OW's parents? I would suggest doing that so they all get the correct story instead of the lies he has been telling them.

This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by me that was on the Dr Laura show. I thought Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views on adultery, but she is right on in this aspect.

Dr. Harley, as many of you know, is a strong advocate of telling the children the TRUTH.

Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Why were you separated so many times, klabshire?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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