Agreed. It's tough when you're consumed by pain (as I'm sure Rob is, over what he's lost) to realize that there is even more pain outside your own bubble. And that it's bigger. And that you were the cause.

He's got a difficult path ahead of him.

Probably true...that's why I started my post with "If".

If she cheated and never confessed/got caught, then any attempt at R will likely be futile, anyway.

RR, It is a difficult path, as mentioned above, but it can be done. My wife and I, by God's grace and the help of people on this forum, are recovering.

Krazy, nothing is futile. MEDC called me the worst wayward he had ever seen on these boards. Today he calls me a friend. Miracles, like the restoration of my marriage, do happen, everyday!

Hello Rob, my name is also rob and after reading your plea,I understand the situation that you are in.

I wont make this long but I was in the same situation as you. Ive been with my wife for 17 years and when she was at home sleeping I cheated on her with that attractive blonde but she happened to be a Co-worker. I however continued the relationship for almost 6 months and had sex with her twice. My reasons were the same as yours it had been almost 13 years of being neglected physically, emotionally, and sexually. The time I needed to be the stongest I was the weakest and gave into the flesh. At the time I agree it was like this big weight was lifted off my chest that someone thought I was attractive, I didnt have to fight with the OW for 3 weeks to get a half A** love making session, she came to me and she wanted me, something my wife should have been doing for 13 years, and although the W should have It was no excuse for my selfesh, thoughtless actions.

I got the same response you did from my OP, I can however see what you meant. I understad that the victim with out a doubt feels the pain much more, but I can tell you that if you are truly sorry and realize what you did was wrong, you are feeling the pain and its not the pain you have been accused of feeling, its the pain of knowing that your actions destroyed your wife and family and that is a pain that I will carry for the rest of my life. I dont detect the self pitty that others do I see a man that made a mistake (nobody is perfect) and is now trying to rectify that mistake. Just keep treating her like she is the only women in the world, even while seperated and hopfully she will see that you are sincere and that you want to make it work no matter what.

Its been 4 long years since the A. I have tried to make it right with her but my wife finally told me last night that she just cant forgive me even though I have made huge changes. so I will be moving out in the next few days. I hope you stick around you will find that there are some good people here not everyone will come and tear you down, some will post and be helpful.

Keep your chin up,Ive been living this for 4 years and Im doing ok you will be able to get thru this.

It sounds like your W checked out a long time ago. Do did mine and I think that she cheated but I can't prove it.

Some things in your post that I noted - she makes over twice what you do. That makes her feel superior to you. If the situation was reversed, with you making more money, you would not use it as a measure of your W's inadequacy. But (some?) women keep score.

She's beautiful and confident and successful and she's not attracted to you. Me too. It really sucks. No affection, no intimacy, no desire to share time together. It amounts to spousal abuse in my opinion and anyone who does that to their spouse - withholding affection and love - deserves to be divorced.

The only problem, she can take your kids. It is totally unfair and yet it's the reality you have to deal with. You deserve to have someone who loves you and treats you right. You've tried to get through to her and it didn't work.

As you acknowledge, the infidelity is on you and is your responsibility but the M was broken to start with. But it appears that she's way ahead of you in this chess game. She will use this to make the failure of your M only about you (which it isn't).

Usually, the woman is the one with the superior communication skills and is the keeper of the relationship in that she senses when things are not right and has the communication skills to discuss it with you. Its a part of her natural skill set. Let me guess - you knew things weren't right but didn't really know what to do about it. When you tried to discuss it she'd just stiff-arm you and deflect, and make you feel bad about complaining about the crumbs of affection you were given.

You've received some hostility on this site which goes beyond 2 x 4s in my opinion. But hang in here and look at Dr. Harley's principles directly because they may be able to help you.

This is just my opinion, but I think that you need to be your best self, get in control of yourself, be strong, don't show her any more tears, stop begging her to come back and start bringing some success into your life. Get really fit, dress well, and stand tall. In short, attract her back into your life, don't try to bring her back with pity. (Nobody said this was going to be easy). At the very least, you will be building your confidence and modeling responsible and sensible behavior for you kids.

Warm wishes to you.

While ML and others may be somewhat abrupt in their posts, try to get over the offense and look at the kernel of truth they are telling you. The A was all about your feelings. The prsonal ads were all about your feelings. Wanting your family back is all about your feelings.

So in trying to get your family back, you are actually following the exact same pattern behavior that got you into adultery in the first place. In other words, you are exactly the same only pursuing different short term goals but nothing about you has really changed.

If the woman in the bar was a ONS, why did you continue to exchange emails with her? And apparently they were pretty explicit emails for your W to have absolute proof of adultery (in your words).

Regardless of all that, any betrayed spouse has the right to divorce in the event of adultery. Nothing you can do will MAKE your wife come back to you. All you can do is change those behaviors which caused all this and hope she notices.

BTW, why was salary important in your post? Why does your salary and wife's salary have any relevance? Nobody here really cares. So what I see is that your wife leaving with the kids will put a serious dent in your lifestyle - especially if you have to pay child support. Not only did you mention salaries - it was the very first thing in your post.

Bottom line is you have to play with the cards you dealt. Stop trying to change your wife and start trying to change you.

Since you were fighting incessantly prior to the ONS, you were already destroying the LB. The ONS is just the last straw. The damage to your M was done a long time before. Of course your W is at peace - she doesn't have to fight with you any more. Based on your history prior to the A, why would she WANT you back? You have done her a favor IMO.

Don't foget the fact that she left you BEFORE she found out about the adultery. And when she decided to come back and give you another chance, you STILL continued the adulterous behavior and eventually got caught.

So adultery is not what killed your marriage - it was just the final nail in the coffin. How can you go back and make up for ALL the damage - not just the affair?

One thing I find annoying is that now you seem so upset that your wife may be seeing other people. You can cheat on her but she has no right to cheat on you? Well actually she doesn't as long as she is still married but your incredulity rings hollow.

And while Dealan De apparently has way too much free time, she is exactly right (okay I didn't check her math so she may only be approximately right). Your post reflects your feelings and perceptions. It is a huge red flag and maybe it will get your attention.

Rob,

Piojitos has made some very astute observations. Are you able to step back and see how they apply?

If you don't want to end up like CBW, you might want to calmly focus on what Pio offered.

RHW

what they are trying to say is tell you are sorry and explain what you are sorry for. Show her (with your actions) that you are sorry from the moment you wake up until the moment you fall asleep for what you have done and want to make it right. stop feeling sorry for yourself b/c no one here does.

Ummm.......
That sounds like Bi-Polar disorder, not ADHD.

That sounds exactly like Bipolar, infact those are the classic of all classic symptoms.

Exactly.

I was diagnosed with A.D.D. when I was younger, A.D.D. is now called A.D.H.D., Therefore I have A.D.H.D.

What you describe is NOT A.D.H.D.
And A.D.H.D. is in no way an exscuse for cheating!!

Bipolar disorder isn't an excuse, either, for those scoring at home.

Or if it is, I could have saved a ton of time and even more money over the last couple of years trying to come to terms with my wife's cheating.

It is not an excuse, but it does appear to be almost inevetable.
http://forums.healthcentral.com/discussion/bipolar/forums/a/tpc/f/2651085/m/75710961

That thread is dead on for the non-BP's experience of living with an unmedicated bipolar, and I'd agree that infidelity is likely inevitable with a bipolar.

Inevitability still isn't an excuse for immorality. My bible says that sinning is inevitable for all of us, but that doesn't mean I don't still owe God my repentance without excuses.

It also doesn't make infidelity more understandable or more acceptable. A FWS who truly changes and turns themselves over to God might be redeemed and learn to make better choices. A bipolar spouse always runs the risk of betrayal by brain chemistry despite their best intentions.

Guess we lost him. Too bad, I wanted to hear his PLAN...

Looks that way.