Hi Queenie,


Sorry Queenie...must have been comforting to have had a friend there with you.... and I can see she is trying to be kind and stay positive for you.

I didn't think you had occasions to see your WS, yet given the above, it looks like you do. Does this happen often? Is he alone?

I know whenever it happens to me that I see (run into) WS, some triggering does happen sometime later at some point.

Just wondering if your meltdown is related to seeing your WS...

Well...here's a CYBERhug from me to you.

(((((((((((((((QUEENIE))))))))))))))

Hi Luna,

No I don't have any contact with WH or see him at all really. In fact, I haven't spoken one word to him since Plan B day on March 17th. I saw him in court and except for a quick look in the eye when he was across the street, I haven't given him any eye contact whatsoever.

My friend was referring to when we were happy and life before this whole mess and fiasco.

Thanks Queenie,


The way I see it, Queenie, I am not sure if AT THAT TIME we actually appreciated those moments as much as when we do in looking back.

So sometimes I try to 'detach' from the present, NOW....like if I were looking in (or looking back)... and see the things I can actually appreciate IN THE MOMENT...rather than wait to appreciate them once they become the PAST....

Sorry if I am not making much sense...

It makes absolute sense what you are saying.

If nothing else, we will become better partners for the next person. But you know Luna, I have to wonder if the WH's appreciated what they had in US. I can't speak for your sitch, but my husband was passive-agressive. He created chaos, he created drama, he pushed my buttons until I had no defenses and shut down. I have blamed myself for so long, I have taken HIS TRUTH as MY TRUTH and I'm not so sure.

Don't get me wrong, there is a wonderful man inside that monster that lurks as WH, but he took me for granted and pushed me away because I wanted to make our marriage better, and was willing to dig deep inside myself to change. He was miserable in his own life. I tried to fix him, make it better and in the end it wasn't my job to make him happy. My job was to love myself and make me happy and that's the one thing I am having the hardest time doing.

We went to counseling, he wouldn't address the unhappiness inside of him and as I get stronger, better and stopped playing the game, he found OW, a crack addict with hep C who he can control and manipulate like he couldn't me anymore. I don't believe for one second that the man I married is the monster who exists today. But I think I have FINALLY turned the corner in taking all the blame on ME.

How would I know if the man I married was a sham or not? It has crossed my mind many times, but then I remember how much he loved me, but is a man in turmoil and pushed his unhappiness down until he could not go on. Or something like that. But seriously, how do we know if who we married were just shams.

I would doubt any wayward would think of it that way, I know mine believes well, it actually doesn't matter, but what matters is how they twist it all around and drives in the guilt, the what ifs.. etc. That is the worst of all.

Well, I really seem to be on a roll of getting some backbone. I have put something into motion that is going to not have the WH too happy in the next few days. In fact, his birthday might be ruined if G-ds timing is nice. I have finally made a decision to allow WH reap the consequences of his choices and I'm feeling mightily empowered.

Once it happens, I'll post about it, but you never know...

My YS wants to go to homecoming. I think it's so cool. I looked into renting a tux, a cool 160.00. But I might have YS talked into going to goodwill and getting a suit that would cost so much cheaper. I could use a little prayer on this one.

My kids were in public all together taking care of some business. They were all hungry and evidently got into a rip roaring fight in public. Oh the joys of children. I love that I get to be around to hear the horrors of their actions. Good thing I don't need to go to that store.

It's weird, I am very grateful that the new person who signed back on, happyinoka? is writing about her life now. I haven't had a chance to read up on her story, but it sounds like she was hurting tremendously when it happened. My heart breaks for the pain she went through, but she sounds so happy and so strong.

I can see the tunnel where that is possible. I'm not ready to admit defeat or give up on my love for my H, but having her here was a nice comfort in knowing that you can be as low and hurt as deep and we have and still come out of it.

Not what we want, but G-d will turn it into good.

Hey JT, if you are checking in, remember we have a date for Nov. 11th, right?

Hi Queenie,


This certainly has gotten my curiosity up... do tell when you can!

You sound good.


Yeah...very encouraging.

Seeing I was around then, though, has gotten me asking myself a lot of questions, and a lot of 'I shoulds' come up...a bit like Bugs. Oh well, to each his own path, I guess...trying to accept the fact that I may be one of the 'slow learners' around here.

Mimi is constantly lovingly of course :twobyfour:, pointing out that we are on our own timeline. There are a few of us who have the knack to expect us to be done with this or done with that, be to that point in our recovery etc. Lord knows I expect perfection from me, but it's not reasonable.

Our stories that bring us here are different, just like our recoveries. Who we were before and who we end up being is in G-ds time because he knows our path and knows what he is trying to teach and work out in us.

I wish my journey was over, I wish that I was healed and the end is here, but not our day today. Maybe tomorrow.

LUNA

Just popping by to say Hello!!


WHOO HOOO!! I Can Not WAIT to hear more about this when the time is right!!!

Empowerment is a powerful thing! Use it and keep it going!! Spread it out over all aspects of your life!! Goddess like, in every way!!

Queenie

Hi Bugs,

Thank you.

It probably will be a silly step for most, but it's HUGE for me, and I need to let G-d work it out before I explain. I don't want to assume anything until it works itself through and I see what happens.


I am defintely feeling in a different place. While I don't want to, I can open the window and see a life without my H. So, today I take the feeling, I keep working on me, not being destructive to myself and step those baby steps in learning how to love myself.

Yesterday there was a mom who was in the office. She has lived in an emotionally abusive marriage for years. We were talking and the similarities and understanding of what each of us experienced was scary, but simply ok. We understand not knowing what the truth is, we understand the mind set if only I had, and even though everyone says it, we have that doubt today.

We talked about possibly creating a support group for abused people because our realities can be just different. I really want to stress that my husband was a good man, but he is sick. And he made my life miserable for years. I'm lucky to survive, I made mistakes, but it's time that I start looking at the truth instead of creating my perfect life. If that makes sense.

Hugs to you Bugs...

Hey Queenie!



I've been checking in and yep-it's a date! I'll call you this week-end and we can talk about a time.

See ya'

MMM.... my cell phone might not work so well. You still here?

I'm here but had to help DD26 and her guy (DSIL's BF )
fix a costume for tomorrow night so I stepped away.

How about email?

Queenie,

Don't keep us in suspense for too long girl. We're anxious to hear what that new backbone did for you. We always love it when the BS makes the WS reap the consequences of the A.

Can't wait to hear....

Hi JT,

You betcha through email.

Chai, It hasn't played itself out yet, so I need to be respectively and keep it quiet until it plays itself out and I don't assume.

Seems like I haven't been here for awhile. Life has gone on and in fact I seem to be enjoying life more and more. I had the best weekend that I have had in a LONG time and it was really nothing, but living. And that was nice.

I am finding myself feeling freer and able to cope without WH in my life. I don't think about him hardly at all, but I do keep him in my prayers daily and ask G-d to bring him home to our family. I still have my moments of deep sadness and I cry to myself inside and outwardly. I even have meltdowns, but they don't last nearly as long and I am able to just walk through the pain, feel it and know it will end.

I find enjoyment in the fall leaves because they are magnificent around her. I find enjoyment in by INSISTING with YS that I be involved in him getting dressed for homecoming, but learning to take care of myself and know that I was tired to pick him up and got my OS to do it.

I took on a small task over the weekend to accomplish for the Women of Reform Judaism convention that's happening this week here. I completed it and even dug out my sewing machine to surprice my sisterhood by having the district quilt completed for convention. They will be SHOCKED.

I'm not as restless, though sleep is still hard for me and I can still be so tired, but I don't seem to have the nightmares. I made it throught WH's birthday on Halloween, yes I was sad to miss it, yes I had regrets that I wasn't in a better Plan A last year to bake him a cake that crack ho wouldn't know about. So I called his aunt to tell her I was thinking of her and loved her instead of him.

I find I am healing more and more, still LOTS to get through I am sure, and I can't admit this is for the rest of my life because G-d knows the plans, I don't. But I do know I can MAKE it TODAY and that's all I have to do is TODAY.

How was everyone elses weekend?

Hey Queenie,

I too had a great weekend. Little stress on H-ween dealing with pure emotions...kinda went off plan A and spoke some truth to WW. We'll see if I hit any marks...just tired of walking on eggshells around her. I know to be careful of LB's, etc. but sometimes you just gotta speak your heart. If you get a chance you may look at my latest posts for the complete update.

Keep up the faith....God really is in charge!!

Good friend said this to me yesterday...want to share with you.

"I have watched you grow as a christian and have watched your son grow as a christian. You both embrace each other throughout church and I can see the change in both your lives. So, let me ask you this...if you continue to grow and your son continues to grow and your faith continues to grow and you allow God to control your lives...and your wife never returns...have you lost anything?"

Hi Kick,

As soon as my boss is safely out of the building and I can concentrate, you betcha I will hop on over to your thread to see what's happening.

It's so weird, yesterday at a class i was involved with by the rabbi, was on prayer. I was getting the impression that Jews don't believe that G-d micro manages their lives. Being a member of AA, I have come to understand and make a DAILY decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of G-d.

It hit me weird what was being said, and I remember Mark and I think ForeverHers telling me that G-d wants a relationship with us, and that he will either put things in our life or allow us to make our own free will choices, but that in the end, he will seek us for that relationship.

When this happened, I came to understand that I couldn't blame G-d, but had to be HONEST that I had NO relationship with G-d and that just like in Psalm 23, He MADE ME LIE down, to restore my soul, G-d hit me with a brick to lie down and listen to him. Who I had become, what my life was like what close to death in so many ways.

So what have I lost. ALOT. The man I loved more than anything in life and a family that I didn't take enough care of. But what have I GAINED. WAY MORE... I continue to become the woman G-d envisioned for me. I have become a better, woman, mother and in so many ways wife, I just don't get to show it to anyone. I have become a better friend and better person who is more understanding, loving and caring for other peoples pain.

I can see the world for the amazing thing it is. As well as the most important thing of ALL. I am a servant of G-d today, I have a relationship with him that is one of blessings and love. I don't have the one thing I want, but G-d is providing everything I need.

So, Kick.... your friend is right. Such wisdom.

:twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:

UGH, My Redskins are about to lose.

For those of you who really don't care. I have news for you.....














Obama's chance of winning tomorrow, JUST GOT A HECK BETTER....





Yes, I can survive this. I hope I hope.

Hi Queenie,


This caught my eye.... RIGHT ON!

ah the joys of parenting......

Tonight is teacher conferences. Wanna see how much I am looking forward to talking about YS's grades.

CPM GEOMETRY I-II F

SPANISH I-II C+

INQUIRY SCIENCE III- D

AUTO MAINTENANCE I A-

20TH CENT WAR D+

ENGLISH 10 I-II F

So, let's hear it for taking away the cell phone? Laptop computer? Regular computer?

If I take these things away, he will be mad and probably not try and possibly flunk more classes.

Thoughts?