Last Thursday, WW and I had a heated discussion on the phone about business related to the divorce. No biggie in the grand scheme of things.

So, last Friday morning I get a voicemail from WW asking what time I'm picking up the kids. I text back the details. An hour or so later, she leaves me a VM saying the reason why she filed the first PFA was because I wouldn't pay her child support and has instructed the Day Care center call the police if I come pick up the kids. I text her and tell her I do not want to talk to her today. At 5pm, I text her "IM in Smyrna, Yes or No, can I pu the kids? Please text y or n." Little did I know this would be construed as a threat against her life...Anyways, instead of causing a scene, I go home with no kids.

Next morning, she wants to meet to exchange the kids. We meet, she wants to berate me, I just want to get the kids and go. The kids are in my car. She opens the passenger side door and starts to berate me. I tell her please close the door so I can leave. I put the car in gear to see if she will get the hint. She doesn't and she still is berating me. She then gets in my car and says I am trying to kill her in front of the kids. I call the police. While waiting for the police, WW rips DD and DS out of my car, DD is screaming hysterically. Police come, take statements, and let her leave with the kids. So, I miss a visitation weekend.

Sunday, we are emailing back and forth different custody / visitation proposals and I think something is going to get done. Monday night, I am served with another Protection From Abuse order. She files it on behalf of her AND the kids this time. In it she says I am going to kill her, I tried to run her over with the car, and I told her I drove around Smyrna looking to hurt her. She filed it as an immediate threat - I only had 1 day to prepare!

So, I call my PFA attorney and he can represent me. I have every email and text I sent her since October. My PFA attorney has been specializing in PFA's for 30 years. We go into court, WW shows up with OM and no attorney. My attorney asks the bailif to get my phone out of the lockers. WW says can I get mine too?

The trial starts. WW starts going through her allegations - she can't even go through them without being confused. Then, the shark goes in for the kill. One of the allegations was I sent threatening emails and texts. She did not bring a single email as evidence, she was so flustered she could not even work her phone. As the questioning went from bad to worse, she asked if she can have an attorney. The judge lectured her "you filed, you filed before, you wanted it expedited because of an immediate threat. It is your fault you don't have representation. Your husband is well prepared. "

Questioning continues, WW starts to shake uncontrollably during the questioning and asks for a recess. After ww and the judge leave, the bailiff says I can see why you filed for divorce! She is messed up!

WW calls OM on the witness stand. She asks him what evidence he has of BS acting erratic. He says he was in the room when WW had a phone appointment with the Marriage Counselor and was discussing how BS was feeling with the Marriage Counselor. THe judge asks him how did he overhear it? He says WW had it on speakerphone and OM was in the room during the entire appointment!

Anyways, WW calls me on the stand and asks me questions. Everytime she asks me, she cuts me off because the answer is hammering her case. Judge yells at WW. "Don't ask the question if you won't like the answer"

Finally, at the end of my testimony, the WW can't even speak anymore. The judge says "you presented 0 evidence of an immediate danger to you and the kids. You wasted the court's time. Case dismissed due to 0 evidence presented." My wife screams my life is in danger!

As she is walking out of the courthouse, she is screaming I am calling 911 next time we meet no matter what. I am going to call Child Protective Services! I am going to file a lawsuit against the judge for taking away my legal rights and putting me in danger!

The bailiff tells me he has never seen a more messed up woman and he does PFA's daily! Before I even mention it, my PFA attorney calls the custody attorney at the law firm and tells him to get paperwork ready for an emergency custody petition and he will give details pro bono!

So, I will be filling an emergency custody petition as soon as the courts open on Monday.

Man! The guilt is just piling up.

Sounds like she is trying to rake as much as she can in your direction.

How go you manage to steer plan A under these conditions?

ShockedBetrayed

I'm so sorry you have to go through this nightmare. What a total mess. But it sure seems like you have given her enough rope and now she is hanging herself with it.

I'm more or less in a plan B - there is no way to do a plan A. She is so unstable I just want all communication in writting once she takes me to court again. I really doubt I can take her back ESPECIALLY after the whole episode about the marriage couselor session. Basically she let the OM hear her discuss my private medical info in addition intentionally sabotaged any hopes of reconcilliation.

She is not just in a fog, she is in a black hole!

Good Morning Shock,

I feel for your sitch....no words can calm your soul during this time. You are doing fine because you are prepared.
My WW wants nothing to do with me....it's all about her OM.

However, I want to share with you a scripture that really has helped me.
Ps 40:1-4

if you have time just read that and let the words sink in...

Have a great day and remember there are others who are here to support you.

Sorry that she got to you again.

It occurred to me that she is in a place of fear. She absolutely needs the presence of OM to nurse her through.

Think about it. Left to her own devices she will come to all the right conclusions. Betrayal, guilt and partnership with a wastrel. Not pleasant thoughts for a woman caught in her fantasy.

I'm going to stick my neck out here and argue that her berating you is a coping mechanism to drown out her own guilt. An angry reaction from you merely entitles her position.

ShockB, though merely spectator, I confess that my thoughts wander horribly sociopathic when I think of OM. Therefore I don't expect you to keep an even keel through her unfair tirades. However, I would admire you if you did.

I guess what I'm saying is that if you could retain temper under provocation, it's attractive. Women like strong controlled men. Something more for her to think about during those quiet moments.

Imagine,

I have done my best to keep an even keel during her tirades - most of the time when it starts to really get to me I hang up the phone on her.

You know, after the hearing, the first thing I did was call her mother and ask her to go down to the house, pick up WW and the kids, and take WW to her place for the long weekend. I know WW was scared, embarassed, angry, guilty, and any other emotion imaginable Wednesday afternoon. I know OM will just inflame the situation. Her mother's love for her is what would help her recover from the absolute embarassment she endured on Wednesday. Unfortunatly, MIL chickened out on me.

When she had her first breakdown and left the courtroom, I broke down too - this beautiful, wonderfull woman I had loved for close to 17 years had been reduced to a quivering mass unable to speak a coherent sentence because of the guilt and lies of what she has done.

Dude, I feel truly helpless.

Good plan of yours to involve MIL. Anything that divides WW and OM is useful in my book.

Here's an email I received from WW yesterday:

From: Wayward Wife
Subject: White Flag ,,,,,,,,,, I give up!
To: Shocked and Betrayed
Date: Sunday, November 30, 2008, 10:22 AM



I sugguest we meet with someone other then our lawyer ( save money for the kids medical and health needs). You pick the person or people. , your parent, Cat, my parents, even SIL, Godfather, . Let sit down in a neuratl place like a conference center or some place like that and get this all on paper and give it to my lawyer and your lawyer, They will take it to the court and it will be finallized. the whole problem is becasue their is not outline and nothing in writting. IF you want we can get a professional medicator but I think we just need a warm body to baby sit the process. MOm says she has forms that you just go down line by line and just get it down.

Do you argree or not?

My Response:

Here are my terms which must be done by you before any mediation is to occur:

1. OM is not to have any contact with DS and DD ever again. Anyone who would voluntarily listen in on YOUR private marriage counseling sessions as well as try and use that information against YOUR HUSBAND and father of your children should not be around OUR kids.
2. Counseling sessions with you and I together to discuss how to handle the emotional fallout of what your actions have done to our children.

It is time for you to act in DS and DD's best interest and not in OM's best interest. I have also CC'd your mother, sister, and friend, in this email. When you respond, please CC everyone on this response. Also, as you know, saving money for the kid's medical and health needs is a moot point because they are on my health insurance which is just about the best program out there.

She is really feeling the pressure now and WW needs to face the music to what she has done. The boundaries I am laying are very, very strong. Because of her psychotic behavior, I have not seen the kids in three weeks now. I have an apppointment with attorney today to discuss steps to try and get emergency custody of the children.

Help me understand the full scope of pressure that WW and OM are presently experiencing.

How can these be exacerbated without impacting the kids?

BTW: Kudos for raising the bar irt. negotiations. Well done!

Hi folks!

Lots of action over the last couple of days. Thursday WW, me, and MIL met at MIL house to get things accomplished for the divorce. WW acted like W during this whole negotation. OM was nowhere near. In fact, WW was even alluding to life without OM!

So, we accomplished the following:

- house going on the market

- WW is going to offer to rent the doublewide on the property from prospective buyers ( can keep a horse for her and the kids)OM won't be able to mooch off these people (I'll make sure of that). If that doesn't work, WW mentioned living with MIL or Godfather who would not let OM within 100 yards of their houses.

- we decided on a shared custody arrangement. We each get the kids half the time. This is very important - earlier in the week and for the last few months she was fighting that I get every other weekend only and no more. While short term this is leting her have the kids around OMi, OM is showing signs of bolting so I was thinking long term here. This custody arrangement was filed with the courts too so it is now official.

- Child support was set. With the above arrangement, I'm paying her $764 per month which is a lot better than the close to $2000 I would be paying if I "settled" for every other weekend.

We also learned OM took a job 2.5 hours away doing barn work. This makes zero sense what so ever - plus he got it so he can feed "his" horses but still contribute 0 to the household expenses. It looks more like OM is looking for an out once the house of cards falls.

After the meeting the other night, MIL and I were talking about how it makes no sense for the D. (MIL has been D'd twice and is 15 years into her third marriage). During the negotiations, it was a perfect example of POJA. No LB's, no DJ, no AO from either side as well. MIL said it was like we were a family again even though we were talking D.

Yesterday, SIL had a long talk. She flat out said once OM is gone, she feels we should R. I agreed with her. She and I worked out a plan for the next couple of months.

- SIL will play "bad cop". Basically let her bash OM, drop the DJ and AO on WW, basically create as much conflict as possible. WW and SIL are identical twins. WW will get over it eventually with SIL. Plus, SIL will help if need be to go to a Dark, Dark, Dark plan B.

- For me, it is back to plan A for the next couple of months. Fact of the matter is WW and I have to establish two functioning households for the kids and this is the time for me show her there is no acceptable alternative father figure for DS6 and DD3. LOTS of positive communication has to happen between the two of us for the kid's sake. DD3 has to get some extensive speech therapy so we need to make these arrangements plus come up with a plan for both of us to work with DD.

Also, almost forgot- I will be making another appointment with Jen this week. Hopefully Wed - WW and I already have an appointment with the Bankruptcy Attorney on Wed. Maybe I'll make it for after the lawyer appointment. Plus, yesterday at the courthouse WW's attorney suggested that we still go to counseling together for effective co-parenting and WW agreed.

B

Your wife is a twin? :MrEEk:

My wife has a twin too and have seen for over 35 years a dynamic in which only one seems to be reasonably happy and content at any given time. Not to mention, if one stubs her toe, the other one limps for a couple of days.

When we married they both had really long hair. One day, living 750 miles apart, they both decided to get their hair cut and both styles were just about strand for strand identical.

To make things worse, SIL lived with us a couple of times in her life, once for over a year and a half. It was like they were two halves of a whole.

So glad to hear this positive update Shock,

I have been praying on two counts: One, that a Divine solution be realized. Two, that my temper would stay in check regarding your sitch.

Some questions: Are you glad to be shot of being a "horse husband"?
Is WW able to walk into a job? Gotta ask this - has OM officially left the building or is this just smoke up your rear? Can WW and kids not set up in your apartment or a common apartment after the farm is sold? (You know... two can live cheaply as one and all that, saving money for the kids speech therapy, whatever...)

After bankruptcy, will WW and you be able to afford that doublewide? (Wot's a doublewide?)

Do you even think that she deserves that opportunity? (Given that this is a chance for OM or ANY Marlboro man to make contact)

So far, OM has destroyed the economics of a farm and the integrity of a marriage. What is coming to this man? Do you caution the barn owner of OM's history? Does he continue to make inroads in your regular office hours?

I assume Jen will continue to advise steady domestic contact and work on your own personal development. Are you able to keep pace with all the MB reading as well as cope with all the drama in your life?

What now is your primary personal objective?

PS. I'm so glad that SIL is in your camp.

Imagine,

With the kids involved, I loved being a horse husband. I liked helping out. I liked being the gopher at shows. All the other trainers always commented to WW how helpful I was and how their husbands have nothing to do with the horse shows.

WW does have a job - it pays less than her first job out of college 10 years but it's money coming in. As for the OM leaving, he typically moves on at around 6 months. We are fast approaching that date. I'm positive he has a job -WW has mentioned it, WW's best friend mentioned it too.

I got the apartment as a lifeline just in case WW decides to come back home and we lose the farm- it's big enough for all of us.

As for the doublewide, we can definatley afford it. Her alone on the other hand....

I do want to R with WW. Wreaking families is OM's game and he is very good at it. He's had a lot of practice. The guy is a con man pure and simple and WW allowed herself to be lured into it. What her mother and I saw the other night was W - the wonderfully beautiful woman she raised and the wonderfull wife I
married.

As for personal objectives, I'm proceeding along the divorce path but the door is open to R. She wrote in a email the other day which I was CC'd on where she told her mother I hate her. I wrote her back (did not copy anyone else) and told her I didn't hate her - I hated what she did and that I still cared for her very deeply. She did not answer this. When I sent her the Jen letter I wrote, I immediately got an angry phone call.

WW, SIL, and I pretty much grew up together. Throughout the marriage I talked to SIL at least once a week - usually when WW was busy. It is very hard to talk to SIL now - since they are twins, conversations tend to have the same tempo and structure. Plus their voice sound the same too. SIL is very ashamed and embarassed of her sister right now. She has been a true friend through all this.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I look forward to hear good things from the appointment with Jen.

God bless.

It's fun being married to a twin! I totally get you about one only being happy at any given time. I see a lot of one upmanship between the two of them. What's really crazy is SIL was rear ended by a drunk hit and run. A month later, wife was rear ended too!

The twins and I pretty much grew up together - I think my wife has really struggled with her identity. She's complained in the last year or so about always being identified with her sister. I'm starting to think the affair might have something to do with this! My SIL's husband is similar to me - both of us aren't really "macho" men but the type of man you'd be proud to bring home to your mother.

Hi all,

Need some help - WW seems to be turning the corner so to speak in regards to how she is treating me. For instance, when we settled for visitation, she agreed to shared 50/50 with zero objections. In fact, she has been pretty enthusiastic in trying to make the logistics work. Up until Thursday she wanted every other weekend only for me and I was prepared to go to war over this. She felt the kids had a new father figure (OM) and didn't need much contact with me.

My question is I have an appointment with Jen this week. Should I try and get WW to call in too? Or, would it be a major, major lovebuster to try and get her on the phone at this point and defer to Jen to see what my next steps are. Any input is appreciated!

B

Hi Shock,

I've never posted to you before, but I read your thread over the weekend... Good Lord, your story has been horrible... Your wife must be someone really special for you to still have love for her, and I commend you for taking such a strong stance to save your family and for being open to reconciliation.

I don't know what to advise about your call with Jennifer, although if you haven't been talking about saving the marriage, you might present it to her as simply counseling rather than marriage counseling. The Harleys are supposed to be good at getting a WS to "buy in" to the idea of saving the marriage.

Is today the day of OM's trial?

I was definately going to refer the possible appointment with Jen as counseling! Tommorrow is OM's trial. He could face jailtime too. Lots of WW fog speak as told to OM's step mother around the trial too.

Some good ones:

"He loves me so much he is willing take the bullet for me by going to jail and not pleaing to a crime he did not commit"

Not sure how this equates to him taking a bullet for WW

"OM's father will destroy the family if OM goes to jail"

Like you and OM didn't destroy OUR family?

"OM can't sleep and has been pacing the floor every night because I know an innocent man may go to jail"

What didn't he understand about a court order not to go on his father's property? Plus, what about my sleepless nights and my floor pacing?

We did the kid exchange last night. Very uneventful in that neither one of us had an inklin to call the cops!

Anyways, I just got a new car this weekend (traded in both of the "marriage" auto's after WW got a new truck). I pull along side WW's new truck. She gets out, gets in my car and starts playing with the bottons, etc. Says stuff like can I drive it sometime, etc. Basically strokes my ego for a few minutes.

We get the kids out of the car, and put them in her truck. I get in her truck (very cold and windy) and we talk some about the new arrangements. I tell her I might have found a carpool for the kids. She says she's not comfortable b/c she doesn't know the people. I agree - tell her lets take it slow and maybe you can arrange playdates so you can meet the carpool parents.

As for the truck, she bought a NEW truck which will take up about a quarter of her take home pay from her new job! I have no idea how she got the loan or how she can afford it. Her problem for now...

This is the second time in the last few days where we did the following:

- radical honesty (she immediately told me her thoughts on the carpool)While it might have been a control thing with her, it is still something she and I did not do enough of during the marriage.

- POJA We came up with a plan that took both person's issues and feelings into account and came up with a solution.

While they are very, very baby steps, MIL, SIL, and I have started noticing subtle changes in her ACTIONS over the last few days.

Aaaaaaaarrrg!!!


My thoughts on this is that it is probably too early yet for WW to weigh in. Still in the fog and all. Unless she is enthusiastically agreeable - don't push it.

OT. Cuthbert nice to hear your voice.