This is my first time posting after lurking about, but I'm just so hurt inside, I'm hoping you all have some words of encouragement or suggestions for how to get through this.

I found out 3 months ago that my 28 year old fiance' cheated and possibly got a 23 year old woman pregnant. I'm 27 and we have been together, albeit off and on, for the past 10 years. We have a 7 year old daughter together and moved in together 2 months ago. He says that they were just friends, and that they only had sex one time and it wasn't planned. The condom broke, but she said she was on birth control so he didn't worry about it. Then 2 weeks later she calls and says she's pregnant. She is insistent upon having this baby even though she has no college degree, no real job, no money, no nothing because she previously had 2 abortions and doesn't want to have another one. She knew about me and our family, but basically stated that she doesn't care and will continue to do her regardless. I'm pretty sure that she wants to be with him as well, but he loves me and although they were friends, he does not want to be in a relationship with her, he just wants to be a father to his child. He feels so bad about this, and is doing everything in his power to make it up to me. Although my fiance' made a mistake in sleeping with the girl, I do love him, and we are still planning on getting married in April (which ironically is when the child is due). He says he's pretty sure it's his since she said she hadn't slept with anyone else 2 months before or after they had sex. I would like no contact, but he will not agree to that. His position is that he has to make sure that his child is ok. He is flawed, but a good man, and I can understand that because he is a great dad to our child. He texts her daily and talks to her once a week for a few minutes, but that still feels like too much to me. I know this because he gave me access to all his emails and cell phone account. She's been going to the doctor like every week, which I feel is SO extra because she is only a few months pregnant. I feel like she knew the consequences of having this child, so she gets what she deserves and should have to deal with this alone. The other thing is that we were planning on having our own child in 2009 and moving away from the area we live in. We have had 3 abortions of our own, because we were not ready to have another child, but we were looking forward to having our baby next year. Now because I'm so depressed and torn up about this situation, I don't even know if we should anymore. He tells me not to worry about her and focus on us, and building our future together. We have started counseling, but this pain and depression that I feel seems like too much to bear. When I talk about it with him, we just end up in a fight and I feel like I'm pushing him away, and I know that is just what she wants.

What can I do so that I don't drive myself insane thinking about this until the kid actually gets here? Would I be wrong to pick up my family and move away from here even though that would take him away from that child (if it's even his?) I find myself crying in the car because I don't want our daughter to know what is going on. I pray everyday that this child is not born or is not his, but then I feel bad about wishing that on someone. How long does it take for this pain to go away?

Welcome to MB. Please get the book "Surviving An Affair" and read it. Familiarize yourself with Dr. Harley's concepts. If you didn't have a child together I would say run for the hills but the reality is you do. However, I would think long and hard before volunteering for the drama of an OW/OC situation for the rest of your life!

Oh and honestly, if he wants to marry you and recover your exclusive relationship he needs to go NC with OW until DNA proves the child to be his. Otherwise you can count on OW being a constant source of pain and interference in your R.

First of all, welcome to the site that nobody wants to be on.

I myself just found out that mu H has a baby with another woman in June, I found out in August, and flipped out. He was working out of town at the time and coming back home on the weekends.

The OW is local to my area. Like you, H claimed he wants/wanted a relationship with the OC , but not with OW. He transferred back home and we started to go to marriage counseling.

I found OW phone number and called her. She said that H had told her we were divorced. I told her we were not. She called H and went crazy on him and threatened to take him to court.

So he is very angry with me for calling, and now he has been found out that he's been lying to both of us for over 2 years-she won't let him see the baby and he says it's all "my fault"

I don't believe that she didn't know he was married, because when they worked in the same office, when I would call I would say I was his wife. They took several trips together, and he took MY car...........well, who's car did she think he was driving? And wouldn't you find it kind of weird that you could never go over to your boyfriend's house?

ALso, she is a bisexual/lesbian. I have proof from my 16 year old daughter and my Aunt.

I found a text message on his phone that she sent him telling him she was sorry for treating him so badly and had no explanation "why" This text was a couple of weeks before I even spoke to her, so I told H she was already mad, and it wasn't my fault that he can't see his child.

As for your problem. As far as "the condom broke" that's the oldest line in the book. I wouldn't believe that for a second. I also think that he doesn't need to be in contact with OW everyday. If he really is not interested in her, and only wants to see the child (if it's his) then he should tell her to let him know when it's born, have the DNA test done and then set up a CS payment plan and visitation. You should insist that you be there when there are any exchanges with the OC.

I'm with Faithfull, if you didn't have a child with him, I'd end the relationship. I would NOT cancel my wedding plans, even if there is a good chance the OC is his. Get married, let her have the baby. See how the relationship with your fiance's child is going, and then decide if it's the right thing to do to move away as planned and have another child etc.

Just a bit of advice. Just because you chose to have abortions (and I'm not being judgemental) doesn't mean that OW feels the same way. Some people have very strong beliefs about abortion, regardless of their family/financial situation.

It's not really fair to say that "she gets what she deserves" by having this child on her own. It takes two to tango.......but I do agree that she should NOT have gotten involved with him if she knew about you and your daughter. He may have lied to her, I don't know.

But he's not married yet, and maybe she thought that he might break up with you to be with her, figuring you were just his girlfriend. It's lot easier for a man to leave a girlfriend than to leave a wife. I'm doing the same as you..........taking it day by day. That's all we can do at this point. I wish you luck.

I want to thank you both for your replies...this is the most difficult thing that has ever happened in my life, and I just pray about it everyday. This is something that never crossed my mind or even thought that would happen to me....but isn't it always that way? I'm saddened that so many people are in the same predicament as my family , what is happening in this world we live in??? The OW knew about me and our family, she just didn't care and I think she thinks it will break up our family but it won't. She's not against abortion, she had them before, except those guys were losers, but now all of a sudden she wants to have someone elses husband's baby. But we've been through too much over the past 10 years together, to let some scheming chick destroy it all. I know that everyone doesn't have the same morals and values, but it just puzzles me why she would do this. I'm to the point though where I am not angry anymore, just sad. I can't do anything to change the situation but pray, none of that is in my control. He has stopped talking to her everyday, thank Goodness, much to her chagrin. Right now I'm just waiting to see if she actually ends up delivering the baby since she had some cramping and bleeding in the 1st trimester, and see what the DNA test ultimately says. Hopefully, we'll be on our honeymoon on an island somewhere when she has it and she'll realize the reality that she will be raising her child alone because we already have a family.

LAS,

You also need to consider the financial side of this, it sounds likely if the DNA test is positive for your H that she will seek child support. I think the DNA test can be done in utero, in which case you can base your decision on firm evidence, try for that sooner than later.

You also need to think about how much you need to support your child, and how much child support the OW might get.

Depending on the numbers you might get more financial support by getting a child support order in place and then separating, then by staying with him, if he has a large liability to the OW.

Do you or your H make more money, sad but this is very relevant.

God Bless
NJ (I'm an OC btw)

New Jersey is right.

If she gets a child support order before you do, then her child is always first and always gets the most money for her child. Your children will always get less money from their father than hers. He needs to stop all conversation and contact with her. You need to take care of your relationship and protect your kids before this other child arrives. Then you make sure DNA is done and that it is really his. Then its up to the two of you, contact or no contact. Not everyone has contact with the OC.

In my situation the OW was M and intentionally looking for someone to father a child for her. She didn't want my H, just his sperm and now his money. As long as she gets her check she is happy.

Protect your children and yourself, work on saving your M. And find a good attorney to protect all of you from the scheming of these OW.

FTS,

This was from another website a woman in your circumstances had posted. I don't think the Moderators here would want me to post the link.

Anyway, to answer your questions....yes, we had a DNA test done, at which time she filed for CS. The CS my H was ordered to pay was a lot more than we were expecting. They take 1/2 of both of his paychecks every month for CS. Which obviously now he is depressed and hates himself even more for what he did, because of the amount being so high, and it now hurting us financially. The CS started on Oct 1st and he owes around $7,500.00 for back pay for the past year.

This means that her 3 kids get to share half of his paycheck, while the 1 OC gets half.

For your sake I hope the OW is stupid , or too prideful to take the money, or marries someone wealthy willing to raise someone else's child, or you/your husband makes so much money it does not matter.

Sucks for everyone under these circumstances, sucked for me as an OC too. Sorry you are in this spot, please try to take care of youself.

God Bless
NJ

I do think you need to talk with a lawyer.