This is a big breakthrough and you have reason to get your hopes up. But be careful as everyone has said every day brings its ups and downs.

Yes, what's the deal with her job?

MG,

""But, I still doubt that her attitude could change this much so fast. I guess I’m just not ready to fully trust her yet.""

If you think about it, what other option does she have?

And that you still want to make the M work and make it better than before makes it too good to be true, but amazingly that is what you want, SO SHE IS GETTING ANOTHER CHANCE!!

So she has come to the realization that she has just dodged the big D bullet. PRAISE GOD!!

I am sure it is all sincere and hopefully she will throw herself headlong into recovering the M.

This is all a good thing!

kirk

She was fired last week upon exposure. Her boss sat in her office while she packed up and escorted her off campus.

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement and the help. I'm sure this is just the beginning and I'll likely need lots of help in the days to come.

I think I'll go home now and try to avoid any affair talk for the evening and just relax.

Maybe she could start working at cheerleader school / tiny tumblers / gymnastics for grade school age children. That should be a safe work environment while you guys work through this. Just an idea in case she brings up the "what am i going to do?"!

That actually sound like a great start. She admitted to alot more info than one would expect. She needs to keep busy though...especially during the times you are away at work. Maybe tag along or something. I would also ask the father of OB to get the pictures back that she sent his son.

MG:

WOW!

That's great. Is she over it? Out of the fog? No. But it's clearing.

Stay available. You gave her WHAT she needed. And you gave her WHAT she NEEDED to do.

And it wasn't that bad a list.

#7? Just so you know, I still apologize to Flamingo, even after 40 months from Dday. THere are just some things that need to be said. THere may be a day when you don't need to hear it. Hope for that day.

Her description of her descent in the A? Typical. And a start. It might be all you need. The details that YOU need are based upon YOUR need. If you need more, than you need more. However, your questions may not be based upon just the physical aspects of the A, when, where and what did you do, but may be about:

How did RRB get in?
What did do RRB that was special?
What will Mrs MG do to avoid going down that road again?

Please note, you may NEVER get a satisfactory answer to the question of WHY?

WHY did you want to destroy our family?
WHY did you try to throw it all away?
WHY did you break your vows?

Until your truly into recovery, and the wayward one is fully on board, the wayward can not answer that question to the betrayed spouse with any reasonableness. Why? Because the wayward one has to look at themselves with a criticalness that is difficult even for folks who haven't been wayward. Being wayward makes it even more difficult. I had my A because I could, and I didn't protect myself from the advances of others, NOR stop my own advances on others that might have been receptive.

I know where the line is now. I have established that boundary. Flamingo knows this too. She knows that she can't stop me from having another affair, but she knows that I WAS a person capable of one, to a person who she feels ISN'T going to have one. And that is the sea change in me that she recognized soon after dday.

Your sitch is different than mine, but there are some parallels. I offer the above so that you can see some success stories.

Someone proposed that you go to a MB weekend. I recommend it as well. They have them in Orlando regularly. THey are not too expensive (if you can drive to them), but they can be real eye-opener for the wayward.

Also, it has been recommended that you pick up Surviving An Affair. I think you have ordered it, it will become your roadmap to recovery. His Needs, Her Needs is a must read as well. Understanding Emotional Needs, or EN's around here, can help you rebuild your relationship with your WW.

LG

bump to see if Mgolfer is stil around

Hurt,
I am around. It's just been kind of crazy and a little overwhelming these past few days.

Is it normal to feel great one day and then the next day just being so angry that you want to explode? She has been doing everything that I told her I needed, but there are just days where even when she’s done everything right I think about her and OB and just get furious. I have tried to hide it and not just continually bash her but it’s been hard.

Things have been going pretty well since last week. We had an actual “date” on Friday night with absolutely no relationship talk. We also had a great discussion on Saturday when she answered the 3 questions I gave her last week. I am still having trouble actually trusting her answers, but maybe I’m just being suspicious. Here are the questions:

1. Was this the first time that you have cheated or has there been other times? She swears that this is the first time, but did admit that she has always flirted with the male cheerleaders on her squads. She admitted that this wasn’t appropriate and it obviously put her in a bad position which opened the door for her affair.
2. Did you ever bring him to our house? She told me that he had never even been close to our house. She said that they did have OS in her car, but that every other time they were together was either in her hotel room on away game trips and in his apartment on campus.
3. Have you been in contact with OB since I confronted you and demanded that you come home from your last away game trip? She said that she had talked to him several times on her cell phone over that weekend, but that she had not talked to him since she was fired. I then asked if she had contacted him by any other means since then to which she admitted to sending him emails. She said that he had ignored her emails since then and that he had only responded to a couple just to tell her that it was over and to leave him alone before he got in more trouble. She then offered to give me her password so that I could check the emails for myself.


I have been checking the keylogger ever day and I haven’t found anything other than the emails that she told me about. She finally started putting things together and asked about how I found their emails that I exposed to everyone. I didn’t want to lie, so I told her about the keylogger. She acted a little hurt, but I reminded her that she had been lying to me for a long time and that the keylogger was the only way I could get the truth. That seemed to put things in perspective for her.

I also got her a new cell phone on Friday. It’s on my account so that I can look at all of her usage and has a GPS so that I can track her movements. She hasn’t even thought that I may have ulterior motives, she’s just ecstatic that I would “trust’ her enough to get her a phone. I have looked at her usage every day since she got the phone and I have only found calls to her mother, her sister, and to a family friend that we socialize with as a couple.

The other good news is that the results form her STD test came back this morning and all of them were negative. The pregnancy test was also negative. I guess this opens the door to resuming SF which has been nonexistent for the past 2 months. I am nervous about this at the moment, because every time I even start to think about SF I see OB and get angry. Any ideas on how to reclaim what is mine and get over this anxiety?

This is what we refer to as the emotional rollercoaster. I still have days that set me off and we get into a huge fight.


It is hard to trust someone after what you have been through. I still find mysefl wondering if I know the truth or some version 'spun' by WW. The answers you get may never make sense but it is good that she is telling you at least what seems like the truth (she admitted to the emails you already knew about).


This is good since the keylogger is out now. I would suggest not telling her that you are checking up on her this soon. She needs to earn your trust, IMO.



This is very tough. SF is very high on my EN, so it helps me to feel better. However, it is still hard to not think of OM. Someone said to replace painful memories with better ones, and that is what I have been trying to do.

I am so glad to hear that things are moving in the right direction. Being that I have been the BS as well as the WW I think I have a unique perspective. I think you did an excellent job in handling this in the beginning and putting your foot down and having specific rules for recovery have given your wife a new found respect for you.

As far as regaining the sexual relationship with her...GO VERY SLOW. I certainly realize that you have needs and that you want so badly to reclaim what is rightly yours. From a BS standpoint, be prepared for very vivid flashbacks of the WW and OB. I know that they played over and over like a bad movie in my mind for a long time. My husband was totally understanding and gave me all the space I needed. From a WW standpoint....it was hard to return to a sexual relationship with my spouse because I fought feelings for the OM for a long time. Your wife almost seems that she took a male perspective of this relationship with the OB. Unless she is acting very well....there doesn't seem to be as much emotional attachment to him....only the physical aspect. In some ways that is good. It is much easier to get over that than when you are completely engulfed in a romantic affair.

Try to find out from your wife how she feels about resuming sexual activity. You may find that sex can be more intense and more frequent....almost like a renewed honeymoon phase. I wouldn't recommend planning anything huge that puts alot of pressure on either one of you at this point. Let it happen over time and then perhaps in several months....plan a romantic getaway for the two of you.

Good luck and if I can ever be of help to you during this recovery period.....please just ask!!!

One thing I would caution you about is moving too quickly back to NORMAL. I know when I was the betrayed spouse it was so easy to do that. My H wanted that more than anything. He was totally remorseful...never once looking back after D-Day. He had wanted for a long time to stop it and had no idea how to do it without making the OW mad and her telling. I just wanted our lives to be normal so bad. I don't think we allowed enough time to process it, work on the things that were wrong, etc....I think that do that so fast led to the events that ultimately led to MY CHOICE to be a WW. I will never blame his affair on me deciding to have an affair also. But after much counseling and soul searching I did realize that there was much resentment and heartbreak that I had not dealt with that led me down the road of infidelity myself. Enjoy the good times but also spend time really working on the things that were obviously wrong in the marriage. It will be well worth it in the long run.

You have done everything right. Would that other BS's would follow your example. So, many are very reluctant to heed that advice here and their WS's A go on much longer and usually go much deeper underground.

You've done a very good job. Your recovery is well on its way and the feelings you are experiences are normal for where you are.

Do work on the MB home study course even if you can't or don't plan to attend the MB weekend. It will help your recovery along...although it is hard work. No pain, no gain is usually the way things work with this stuff. It will be worth it.

MG,
Sounds like things are heading in the right direction. Also your feelings are normal...one moment good, the next moment you want to tear her a new one...all normal. That's why R is so hard. You will have to sort through every emotion that there is and then you are going to have to DEAL with them. You can't stuff them because they won't go away that way.

Angry outbursts are no good, but you can discuss your anger without LBing. Telling your WW how you feel opens up communication and brings intimacy back. The key is that you have to do it in a non-punishing way. Feelings aren't right or wrong they just are, so whatever it is you are feeling you don't have to justify it. Just explain that you are feeling hurt or anger or sadness, etc. You cannot control her reaction to what you tell her. You just do it calmly and honestly. Talking about it to her DOES help YOU. But at first she will have a tough time hearing it.

Images in your head eventually lessen, but for the time being they will be vivid and you will get angry when they "appear". My suggestion is to tell yourself to stop thinking about them and immediately switch your thoughts to something else. From what I have read on thought conttrol is that you should not allow a thought to continue for more than 30 seconds or the emotions that come with that thought will also surface. It helped me.

R is hard. I know you have heard that. Most of the cr@p falls in YOUR lap and you have to deal with it. No matter how good your WW is doing, she cannot open you up and take the pain away. It's unfair but true. The BS definitely gets the raw end of the deal. However, you will be able to look in the mirror and know that you are doing something that is respectable and honorable. And your efforts can lead you to a better M. Hang in there.

Positive signs of improvement and everything you are feeling is normal. As for the SF, don't feel the need to rush or actually do the deed. Maybe something like a back rub or a hot bath or pop in a movie and do some kissing on the couch and see what happens from there. If you start thinking about OB or don't wish to go any further then you can always stop but try to control any outburst. She will know why this is difficult for you and hopefully be understanding. You can tell W that you need more time and reassure her that you are trying.

I've posted a few thoughts on this...I wish I had the time to find them now.

Basically, I recommend plowing her like a porn star.

Do what you need to on the exterior to make things seem normal enough, but on the inside, keep it very impersonal. Use her for your own purposes.

Repeat as necessary.

I find myself doing this even now. Well, not NOW.

Goodbye mushy lovemaking, hello XXX-rated pornography.

Added with;


Krazy, your "life long character", as you claim it, is no way to treat your wife in recovery, nor is it any way for mgolfer to treat his and still successfully recover his marriage. Your "life long character", as you claim it, of keeping it impersonal, based on your logic is likely why your wife sought to have her needs met elsewhere.
Think about it, not a good plan of recovering intimacy in IMO.

agree 100%

I'm talking about modifying an internal thought process to help deal with emotional trauma during SF. For a long time, I could hardly function without jumping through such mental hoops.

Those two quotes are completely unrelated. Cheating is a despicable act. What I proposed is more like a survival technique. I wasn't trying to be funny.

It's worked for me, and the first time I posted this idea, I got a decent amount of positive feedback.

100% agree! So is treating your wife like a porn star!



I would recommend finding new techniques that lead to intimacy. That's the purpose of MB as I have been tought.

mgolfer is working successfully within the MB principles of recovering his marriage and doing a great job. Resorting to fantasy will not build intimacy, it will create just the opposite.



Then I guess treating wives as porn stars is not "out of character", as you would say, for more than just you.