Two weeks after celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary, i received a phone call from a man saying that he thinks my husband is having an affair with his wife. Immediately my heart sank. But then i thought to myself, how or when could this be happening? As i carried on a conversation with the husband I kept asking him what Facts he knew. He had none, said it started out as a rumor, but that his wife eventually admitted to it. I still could not believe it. My husband was the type of person who literally smothered me the entire 20 years we were married. Was always jealous of other men talking to me, and always insecure that i would find someone because he felt he wasnt good enough. Well my husband and i had a ok marriage we were more like best friends who did everything together. One problem was he had a drinking problem where he really was a vulgar jerk. So through the last 3 years, i literally wanted a divorce. I was falling out of love with him. We never fought, unless it was over alcohol. There were times that i really just wished he would die. So obviously things have not been great. Intimacy was dull. I performed my wifely duty with no excitement during the sex whatso ever. I couldnt even tell you the last orgams i had. Anyhow. Being told from another man that my husband was cheating was the most confusing emotion for me. I called him and confronted him and he denied it. I told he he need to pack his stuff and get out. I dont believe him and he better proof otherwise. So i go through this whole emotional rollarcoaster. I realized that i do care for him. But then i realized that I could not believe he would do this to me. I was the one that put up with crap for 20 years. People called me a saint! Anyhow, my gut was telling me, something did happen and he was just sugarcoating it by saying it was a rumor. The husband of the woman kept calling me, so i continued to tell him that i really dont think it happened and that what he was telling me was not matching up with his daily routines etc. He then tells me that his wife admitted it. Said they were together once. Well, i call my husband and tell him what a liar he is and he lost his chance etc, that i hope it was worth it destroying two families and i wonder how he going to face his parent and mine. He cares very much about what people think of him. He told me he wanted to talk to me face to face and i said hell no, tell me now, because i dont know that i could control myself if i see him. So he made up this story about how she was always flirting with him and saying sexual comments to him. By the way, they work next door to eachother. So he says one day she calls him over to her office to check out some equipment and as she gets him in the room, she pushed him against the wall and well we all know what happened. 5 minutes of oralsex and then a minute of intercourse. So, i think to myself, well it was a one time thing, he is a man, he lost control. He wasnt getting the affection and intimacy from me and surely not crazy off the wall sex anywhere! I felt well, maybe we can work things out. Then my heart got broke again. I just didnt feel in my gut that it was a one time thing. He kept saying that the husband was lieing. Then he said he told her that he loved me and couldnt do this again. Well, little miss tramp had a complete plan set up. 10 minutes after that interlude, she told a friend that they have been having an affair for a couple months. The friend call the husband who in turn called me. God i just wanted to die. So another call out to my husband, screaming and degrading him about our 20 years of marriage meaning nothing to him. He cried and said he was sorry, that he didnt know what he was thinking. He finally said that it happened more than once. But didnt want to elaborate. So i called the woman, i told her that i wanted to know if he was telling me the truth and i wanted details. She had no problem at all telling me how many times they met and where. I think it was her hope that i would be leaving him after hearing the truth. So i called my husband and told him we needed to meet and have a talk. Well, i said heres your chance, tell me how it started and how many times you guys have been together and how come it is ending? So as the truth comes out, she has been flirting with several guys at his office. My husband is very kind and complimentive to woman to make them feel good. I always told him he was going to make some woman think the wrong thing one day. Anyhow, This woman got his phone number from a guy that works with him and she called him and asked him to come over to her house and check on getting her a price for some work for her house. Well he knocks on the door and she shows him the room where the work needs to be done and while he is looking at it, she comes behind him naked and tells him how much she has been fantazing about him and he says (? if you can belive it) you cant do this we are both married. And then she said she didnt care and proceeded to perform oral sex and then quick sex followed. And yes my husband is a lot bigger than her and could have walked away. But since our sex life was on the decline, he naturally gave in. Well, then the woman started called him regularly begging him to meet her and he kept telling her no that he was meeting me somewhere. So she would literally get mad at him. She called again and he said that he couldnt do that to me that he felt horrible. He said she was getting close to stalking him. So some weeks went by and he felt that it was done and she called him again and said her inlaws wanted work done at their house could he meet her and them over there. So there he goes again. Same situation. This time its in her own inlaws house! This woman is NUTS! Well to step back a little, my husband was drinking very heavily and when he does that is when i get withdrawn from him and dont really care to see him or speak to him. So he was getting lonely (this is due to my fault), so anyhow there were two more episodes and the last episode she told him that she was leaving her husband, he freaked out and said, well i am not leaving my wife, i love her more than anthing. (words i gag over sometimes) As i said earlier, this crazy woman decided that she was going to do anything to get him. So she started telling people of the affair. I guess she was hoping our mariage would end so she could end hers. But i accepted responsibility for my part in him turning to someone for sexual gratificaton. He had everything else at home. We also made a deal that the only way our marriage could work was for him to quit drinking. That his drinking literally cause me to hate him and that is why i was no longer attracted to him. So now... 2 months later and 2 months sober for him. We are getting along terrifically and our sex life is amazing again. here is my problem... I cant get the thought of that woman out of my mind. I am constantly comparing or imagining her and him together as oppopsed to our sex life. I am also afraid that this affair is going to become public. This husband of hers is truly hurt and is telling people my husbands name etc. I just dont know how to deal with that. As far as i am concerned, my husband was never cought with her, so why cant we just say to people who inquire about it that it was just a rumor and that she was trying to find a way to make her husband divorce her. Since they still work next to eachother in the same building, it scares the hell out of me that it will restart. I dont know what reason he would do it now, because literally our sex life is better than its ever been. But will i ever trust again? Will I ever forgive or forget? I just dont know what i should do for myself mentally. Right now, I dont feel sexy enough, pretty enough etc. Even though, I always felt confident about my looks before. I am litterally going crazy trying to get over this. I am happy that our marriage is working. I am just not trusting him and cant get past calling him all the time and checking his whereabout and checking his cell phone etc. Any suggestions. i know this was long winded. Please any ideas would be great.

First of all, get straight that YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. You didn't have the affair, HE did. Not a bad thing that you understand you contributed to the state of the marriage over the years, but it was still HIS doing. HE owns it. And he's damned lucky you're willing to work through it with him.

OF COURSE you can't get it out of your mind. It is the very worst thing that can happen to you. You will need a lot of TLC in the months to come. Please see your doctor if you think anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety meds will help (they worked wonders for me).

As for forgetting, that ain't gonna happen soon, if ever. But you CAN get past it and pull a much better marriage out of it too. But it's going to take time, a lot of work and a WHOLE lot of patience.

Your situation is dreadfully complicated by his drinking, though. Is he attending AA meetings? It's amazing that he has been sober for two months, but he's probably going to need formal support to stay that way. Maybe this really did shake him up.--it does sound like he doesn't want to lose you, but that could change if he falls off the wagon or gets tempted. Addiction is tricky, and certainly beyond my scope. Maybe some of the other people here can help you with that. Until you're SURE the drinking is under control, you can't get anywhere.

The other major problem is that he works next door to this woman. Do they work for the same company? If so, management/HR needs to know about the affair. (Read about exposure and Plan A here on the website.) They CANNOT be that close to each other. WAY too much temptation. She is very brazen, and he is very weak. He must institute a formal NO CONTACT order with her (read about this here too). He can never see or talk to her again. Ever. He will have to find another job, if that's what it takes to enforce that. Heavy price, but nothing compared to the transgression.

It was the OW's betrayed husband who broke the news to you. You owe him gratitude, even if it split your world apart. Can he convince her to leave her job? Or move away? Not likely, but it would be another way to keep them out of each other's sight.

I think it's great that this stupid woman is blabbing about the affair. Think about it. Wouldn't it be harder to re-ignite with the whole town watching? (Assuming, of course, that it would get back to you.)

As a condition to staying with him, you should insist on counseling. The guy obviously has issues, and he needs to address them without a bottle.

The Marriage Builders program offered on this site gives you a solid, step-by-step PLAN to recover your marriage. Read everything using the links on the home page, and order the books His Needs Her Needs, Love Busters, and Surviving An Affair. Some bookstores carry them, but you can get them on this web site too. The telephone counseling is the best there is, believe it or not. (Ask me if I ever thought I would be desperate enough to use a telephone marriage-saver hotline...best thing I could've done. So much of what you'll have to do is counterintuitive.)

And there are SO many people on these boards who will spend great lengths of time sharing what they've learned as they've fought through this nightmare themselves. Many have prevailed.

So many resources! Get busy!

RHW

PS: Just a pointer: Break your posts into paragraphs. One loooong one is very difficult to read.

This is a major factor and usually compromises the direction that you will have to take.


She is not kidding!

There are two parts to this... A. The rehabilitation of an alcoholic and B. Restoring your marriage.

These are also the order of priority. RHW has given solid advice all the way around. You will find an incredible wealth of resources from the articles at this site.

I repeat, alcoholism changes the pattern of approach.

We are here for you.

Thanks, Imagine, for clarifying the order in which the problems must be addressed: 1) the drinking 2) reclaim the marriage. I didn't express that very well.

Note to 2Ashamed: I find it impossible to address you by the name you've assigned yourself. YOU are not the shameful one here. Can we get another nickname to address you by?

There IS a lot of help here. Please continue to post!

RHW

You have nothing to be ashamed of, but I have a problem with you describing this affair as this woman coming on to your poor H and him being unable to control himself.

Give me a break!

If you believe that...

Stop defending your husband, and find out the truth.

Tell him you will not even consider taking him back without him taking and passing a polygraph test.

I am ashamed that we allowed the first 20 years of our marriage to be non-communicable and that I didnt stand my ground earlier about his drinking problem.

He is doing the AA program with a self help book and we have sit downs to discuss situations that made him lose control of his drinking.

The woman actually owns a business next door and she rents from his employer. She has been advised by his employer that she is no longer welcome in their office and she is not to speak to any of his staff. To date she has not attempted to speak to him if they see eachother in the parking lot.

I have read the book His needs and Her needs. I actually purchased it the night i found out. I ordered the Surving an Affair yesterday.

Thank you for your quick reply. All the help is greatly appreciate. and that Goes to every one.

I suggested a polygraph test immediately upon finding out. Then i got his story and hers and she admitted to being the aggressor and yes he was weak and subjected himself to an unforgivable thing. But I did EMPHASIZE to him that he could say NO!!!!!!!!

It will do you no good to beat yourself up for not being able to communicate with and build a good marriage with an alcoholic. Who on this earth could do that anyway???

It was never yours to fix, so try to dump the guilt and the shame. They don't belong to you, either. After what you've been through over the years, it might help to talk to a therapist to come to terms with the way YOU have been warped by living with an alcoholic. Do you go to Al-Anon meetings? Would you consider that too?

It boggles me that you don't see that this man ought to be on his knees in gratitude that you didn't leave him years ago -- and that you still want him now. And I do believe he's kidding himself (and you) with this "do-it-yourself" AA program. That isn't my understanding of how the program works, although I am willing to stand corrected if I'm wrong about that. Why won't he go to an AA meeting? ("I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings." Kinda like affair fog babble...)

Have you been able to establish that he is not in contact with OW?

Do you have an understanding about Plan A, both the "stick" and the "carrot?" If not, keep reading.

And please keep posting.