johnstwin,
Thanks for replying.

"Have you considered how very bizarre your infatuation with this woman is? You sound like a middle school kid with a crush on his teacher!" YES i know how my feelings appear. Thats why i stated earlier I know how pathetic its sounds and its also why I named the thread what I did.

"And if you DO tell her how much of an "impact" she has had on your life, when she has never given you any reason to think that she is interested in you-AND she is ENGAGED-you will very quickly become "creepy obsessed guy at work" or worse." You are absolutely correct, which is why I would never make her uncomfortable by placing her in that situation.

"People who are balanced in their mental health don't throw away their marriage over a one-sided infatuation with a completely unavailable person." Again you are right, but that is not my approach. My marriage may not work out anyway, and I just take the feelings I am having as evidence that my love for my wife is diminishing. If my marriage fails, it will not be because I am pursuing an unavailable person.

I think the thing I'm trying to express is that my feelings for her are a bit scary for me because I have never had feeling like this for a woman other than my wife. With all the turmoil in our R, having these feelings makes me wonder if I am really falling out of love with my wife.

It's not the turmoil in your R that's making you fall out of love with your W, it's that you're putting your energies into the fantasy instead of into the marriage.

I totally understand that one person alone cannot save a marriage. However, one person MUST take the first step and in your marriage that person is you. You asked on page one something like "I should get off my butt and do what, exactly?" The answer is that you should get off your butt and focus on Harley's principals.

I suggest that you:
1. Tell your wife that you want to love her and be in love with her. Tell her that you want to be the best husband possible to her, and you need her help to attain that goal. Tell her that your problems MUST be dealt with, because you feel yourself falling out of love with her and developing an infatuation with OW. She may get angry and yell and have a temper tantrum. Let her - that is only fear talking. Explain to her that you want HER love, that you do NOT want anything to do with OW, and that is why you are coming to your wife with this problem. Again ask for her help in becoming the best husband you can be.

2. Schedule a time with your wife, every week, in which you sit down and read through "Fall in Love, Stay in Love". Read out loud to one another, and pause to discuss concepts. Be sure to answer all the questions and do all the exercises. Make this your absolute top priority of the week. Keep at it until you have finished the entire book. No excuses. I suggest this book because it covers everything - 15 hours of undivided attention, love busters, emotional needs, POJA.

The fact that you are arguing with your W so much now suggests that you are both engaging in LBs.
The fact that you aren't in love with your W suggests she's not meeting your ENs, which means you, in turn, are probably not meeting hers.
The fact that you fantasize about OW means you are not giving your W 15 hours of undivided attention each week.


So there is the answer to the question "Get off my butt and do *what*, exactly?"

I have a couple of questions:
1. How long have you been married?
2. When was D-day?
3. Do you have any children?
4. Is your W an alcoholic and if so is she active or recovering?

I have a couple of questions:
1. How long have you been married?
2.5 years
2. When was D-day?
June 2006
3. Do you have any children?
None yet
4. Is your W an alcoholic and if so is she active or recovering?
She is active and has been drinking heavily for years since our engagment time.


Thanks for taking the time to write
Zack

You married her knowing her drinking history because ..... ?

PS ... really think about your answer, it's important.

We were together for 4 years prior to engagement and during that time she only drank occasionally. Then during our engagement she started to get stressed out and started having anxiety about the upcoming wedding so the drinking gradually increased. I figured it was just about anxiety regarding the upcoming wedding, but even after our marriage she didnt stop or reduce her consumption. Now here we are 3 years later.

Also note that it was during that stressful time she had a fling.

Thanks for answering my questions.
Is this an accurate time line?

Summer 2002 - 6.5 years ago - you & your wife began an exclusive relationship
Summer 2005 - 3.5 years ago - you became infatuated with OW
Summer 2006 - 2.5 years ago - you married
June 2006 - D-day

Was d-day before or after getting married?
When did her A begin and end?

Sorry, don't mean to grill you, just trying to get my head around the dynamics of all this.

All of your history aside, my take is that your infatuation with this woman is a manifestation of your overall concern for your future. Not quite a midlife crisis, more of a 'what did I get myself into' and a 'was this what I wanted?' period. She simply represents your fears of making the wrong decision.

In other words, you need to do some counseling to find out exactly where you are in your life. While you're there, check up on your FOO issues to see if they are playing into this.

turtlehead, thanks for the reply, you can grill me all you want I appreciate you taking the time to help add your perspective.

Your timeline is almost correct except the infatuation began after D-Day slowly and increased over time.

To answer your questions:
Was d-day before or after getting married?
D-Day was three months after getting married.

When did her A begin and end?
It started with a male coworker she was "just friends" with. It was the springtime before we married in May 06.

Please remind me what FOO stands for
Thanks

Darn - I always get that bit wrong.

To share my story with others who have navigated the murky waters of affairs and marriage turmoil.

To gain insight based on others experiences

To consider possible alternatives and options I have not considered or have overlooked

To hopefully receive some encouragement from others who have already dealt with similar issues

To share my story so others may possibly benefit from it

To allow myself the chance to express my feeling and thoughts instead of keeping them inside

FOO = family of origin

Standing psychological belief is that your childhood shapes who you are in adulthood, whether you want it to, or not. Your practiced responses to issues in childhood are programmed in your mind to come to the fore when you encounter similar issues - like abandonment, jealousy, unfairness, etc. The problem is that the issues you'd have as a child are far different from those in adulthood, and your programmed responses may in fact create more problems for you if you keep doing them as adults. Usually takes some psychological counseling to discover what's going on, and how to stop it or improve it.

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is hard. Even a good marriage takes a lot of hard work. I remember a time when FWW and I were in the early stages of all this and I got to a point where I really wanted to love someone - anyone. I was also convinced I could never love FWW again. I really wanted out.

At some point I forced myself to try to love FWW again and eventually that started working. Love akes a conscious effort on your part. That's why I said you need to get off your butt. You can love W again if you want to. But it all depends on you.

IMO this magic girl from work is just an object that you have created to focus all these feelings that you lost and want back. It could be anyone, This girl is nothing special - she's just convenient. Take her away and you will lock onto someone else.

Your entire problem is between your ears. Don't let it move down to between your legs.

Wake up every day and tell yourself that you are going to love your W today. Do it the very first thing in the morning. Go to work at it. And when it fails that day, go to sleep and try again tomorrow. Sooner or later it will work. Every time W does something to make you mad, try to remember something about her you like or a happy time you had together. Don't let the negative thoughts win. Get back into the fight.

Wow, you had a rough go of it when you got married.
She had an affair around March, you got married in May, and found out about her A in June - all this on top of her escalated drinking.

I have to ask... you're young, only married a couple of years, no kids... why do you want to be married to her? She doesn't sound like a good candidate for a life partner and a mother to your children. Admittedly that's based on very little information. So what am I missing? Why do you think she *is* the woman for you?

Yes it has been rough to say the least. Certainly was a poor way to start a marriage, wish I had known before the wedding.

As to your questions; I have pretty much decided that I am going to separate from her at this point. We had a huge fight tonight that got out of hand. She was drunk,as usual, and started throwing my stuff around, being verbally abusive. I'd rather be alone and happy then with her and miserable. Thanks for all your concern.

Did you know there is an ethical way to leave your marriage that does not involve developing and entertaining romantic feelings toward another women?

As soon as you nurse a crush of an OW in the mix when deciding to leave your wife, you lose your good guy and good husband status.

Leaving a marriage must be done in a very ethical way, after exhausting all avenues of YOU trying to repair your part the marriage.

You have not earned a divorce. If you divorce you wife in your current state, you become very poor husband material for any future relationship.

Step one? Radical honesty with your wife. Tell her everything.

So your saying instead of just leaving my wife, I should tell her everything then I can leave on high ethical ground?

So, are you saying leaving your wife without honest disclosure of your reasons (lying), is ethical?

IMAGINE you are leaving your current wife forever .... and you are packing all your current attitudes, habits, behaviors and ethics into your traveling bag that you will take with you and use in your next relationship.

What are you packing into that bag right now?dishonesty?
laziness?
conflict avoidance?
regret?
guilt?
anger?
pessimism?
weakness?

Think about this, how you end your marriage (if you end it) in a large part determines the qualities you bring to your future relationships!

Pep is giving you excellent advice.
Read it, re-read it, and heed it.
Your actions now will define who you are.