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#2156728 11/11/08 12:28 PM
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drgnfly Offline OP
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I took my daughter to lunch today and let her play in the play area. That's when the memory hit. A couple months ago my H, DD, and I went to this same place and happened to run into what is now the OW. I didn't know at the time that they were "friends" - he still says that at that point they were only talking (not sure I believe that one). Her boys and my DD were playing together. She climbed up inside the slide where there's a big bubble area to help the kids get through. Well, my H decided to help too and they were in there together laughing and having a grand old time. I'm clausterphobic, so I was stuck outside listening to all this. Why didn't I just get up and walk out then?? Why did I believe that there was nothing going on?? How could I be so blind and stupid?? I am furious with myself for not taking action that day.


BW-31
FWH-32(skald)
DD-5
In Recovery
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

"To Err is Human. To Arr is Pirate."
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How could I be so blind and stupid?? I am furious with myself for not taking action that day.
We are blind because we don't want to believe that the one person who promised to love and take care of us always would lie and cheat on us and deliberately cause us pain.

hug hug hug


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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drgnfly Offline OP
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I know you're right, it's just not easy to swallow. It makes me so mad and my WH and myself. And the OW - she pretended to be my friend the whole time.

Her H is having a horrible time right now too - this is the second time she's had an A and both times with married men. I don't know how my WH could be so blind to her true character.


BW-31
FWH-32(skald)
DD-5
In Recovery
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

"To Err is Human. To Arr is Pirate."
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No use kicking yourself over and over. We have all been there. My ex conducted his affair right under my nose. I knew something was wrong and talked to him about it. He kept telling me that he was just having a hard time, and to trust him and things would get better.

You need to get your plan going and not worry about being stupid. Now is the time to fight for your marriage.

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drgnfly Offline OP
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I've been working on Plan A for about a month now. One day he'll be all about working on us and saying we can make this work. Then for a couple days he's ready to pack up and leave. It's back and forth all the time. Do they all do this? Is it part of the fog?

He still has contact with her - she's calling, texting, and emailing him at least once per day. She always has some problem and apparently he's the only one that can fix it. So far he's told her he can't help her anymore, but he won't change his phone number or block the messages!

One of the "problems" she's called about is whenever she sees me around town, she calls my WH because she's scared I'm after her. Please....she's not worth it.


BW-31
FWH-32(skald)
DD-5
In Recovery
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

"To Err is Human. To Arr is Pirate."
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Have you exposed OW to her family?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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drgnfly Offline OP
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HA! That's a good one...when my WH sent her a message saying that he loves his wife and family and won't talk to her ever again, not only did she call and text over and over again, but her DAD called and left messages yelling at my husband! She is a "daddy's girl" and he gives in to whatever she wants.

Her H just filed for divorce. This is after all one of many affairs. Two PA and a couple EA - at least that's what she told him they were.


BW-31
FWH-32(skald)
DD-5
In Recovery
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

"To Err is Human. To Arr is Pirate."
Joined: Jun 2008
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Originally Posted by drgnfly
her DAD called and left messages yelling at my husband!

To leave you and make his HoD happy? crazy

As for your original Q. There were times when my FWH wanted to leave or asked if he should leave but not to go to OW or to resurrect the affair. He never left though. The only time he was gone was when I initially kicked him out.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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"One day he'll be all about working on us and saying we can make this work. Then for a couple days he's ready to pack up and leave. It's back and forth all the time. Do they all do this? Is it part of the fog?"

Yes, they all do this. Especially when:

"He still has contact with her - she's calling, texting, and emailing him at least once per day."

Very manipulative, but she seems to have instinctively figured out that he has a high need for "admiration." And her constant pleas to rescue her are filling his love bank to overflowing. He cannot disconnect from the feel-good.

"She always has some problem and apparently he's the only one that can fix it. So far he's told her he can't help her anymore, but he won't change his phone number or block the messages!"

SOOOO, what can YOU do to meet his need for admiration? (Hint: Do NOT pull the kind of stunts she pulls. You can be more creative than that, can't you?)

And her expressing fear of you is just one more way she's asking him to protect her and take care of her. Lord, I want to smack her myself, but she's sure figured out the way into his heart.

Fight fire with fire, your way, drgnfly


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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drgnfly Offline OP
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Lord, I want to smack her myself

rotflmao

LOL! That's awesome! Thank you!

Every day seems to get better with us and he's seeing me the way he used to. He's even started grabbing me as I'm walking by and hugging me like he used to. I guess I just have to create more of those moments, so that's all that fills his head.

I'm going to see if his parents can watch DD this weekend. Maybe we can take a little trip and get away from this town. Might even be able to convince him to shut off his phone so it's "our" time. We can get out and do some of the fun stuff that we used to and maybe try a couple new things.

Guess it's time to turn up the heat. wink


BW-31
FWH-32(skald)
DD-5
In Recovery
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

"To Err is Human. To Arr is Pirate."
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 692
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drgnfly Offline OP
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black_raven,

Yeah, my H found a family of crazies.

He keeps telling me that he never had any intentions of having a long-term R with her. I'm not sure I can believe this though. I desperately want to believe it, but it's hard to trust anything that comes out of his mouth at this time. Especially since the fog hasn't lifted yet.


BW-31
FWH-32(skald)
DD-5
In Recovery
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

"To Err is Human. To Arr is Pirate."
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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Don't trust anything he says. Watch what he does.

He really needs to change phone numbers so the OW won't keep contacting him. Your marriage can't recover until he does that. I would do a great, short Plan A and then go to Plan B.

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Originally Posted by drgnfly
I don't know how my WH could be so blind to her true character.

OW and your WH were equally slutty at the time of their adultery decision.

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drgnfly Offline OP
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Oh, I know he's had as much to do with it as she did. I just don't understand how he still can't see what she's really like. The fog messing with his judgement?


BW-31
FWH-32(skald)
DD-5
In Recovery
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

"To Err is Human. To Arr is Pirate."
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 692
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drgnfly Offline OP
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I have another question: OW has recently changed jobs. She had two affairs with married men at the last job. I'm wondering if I should send an anonymous letter or something warning these new people of her true character. She is so convincing as the victim and people automatically want to help her. I wish my husband and I had listened to some of the people at the old job when they warned me. I just don't want to see her ruin another family. But I guess I can't follow her for the rest of my life to make sure it doesn't happen either. Just wish there was a way to expose her to the public, so nobody else could be hurt by her.

She's damaged three families that I know of. When does the destruction end?? Especially when her dad is okay with whatever she wants. Nobody makes her responsible for her actions. I don't think she even understands why her H is divorcing her! She thinks he's overeacting.


BW-31
FWH-32(skald)
DD-5
In Recovery
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

"To Err is Human. To Arr is Pirate."
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I wouldn't focus on the OW. Instead focus on your hubby.

Is he willing to change his phone number?

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This one may be "permanently" fogged out. Dangerous, dangerous woman.

I know this board is all about exposure, but it seems clear that she does not work with your H, so exposing to her company's management would have little impact. Besides, if she were to find herself unemployed, WHO do you think she'd be running to for rescue?

Has H changed his cell phone number, cancelled email accounts she has access to, and dropped any on-line sites like myspace? Do you see ANY signs of continued contact?

Has a NC (No Contact) letter been sent by your H, with your imprimatur? He really needs to do this. I can't tell how far back into the marriage he's moved, but there are some signs you've mentioned.

As he moves back in, you MUST make it clear that there are certain things he must do to address the harm he's done to you and the marriage. Counseling...examining the factors that led him to such a poor decision...expressing remorse..."getting" the pain he inflicted on you. The MB program here addresses so many of the things you will BOTH have to do to create a marriage very different, and much, much better than what you lived pre-A. Please do the reading, fill out the questionaires and apply what you learn.

He may not be willing to do these things at first, but in time, if he is sincere about wanting to put things right, he will.

Keep posting...over time the process will all become clear, and you will feel much more in control.

(((drgnfly)))

Right Here Waiting


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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drgnfly Offline OP
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He says that he hasn't talked to her since last Thursday - she called Sunday and left a voicemail, but he didn't answer and deleted the message. I'm going to talk to him again tonight about changing his number and email and putting a block on the email just in case. She also calls him on his work phone, but I might recruit our mutual friend to "take care of" those calls. She would be all too happy to help with that. She works in the same office as H, and she's been a huge support for me during all of this. And she kicks his butt on a regular basis for me. laugh

He had sent her a NC 2 wks ago, but he violated that in about 2 days. She wouldn't stop contacting him sobbing and her dad kept calling and yelling at him.

The night before last we filled out the questionaires and went over them together. He wasn't really into filling them out, but he was perfectly fine with answering any questions I had about his answers. We actually got a couple good laughs out of some of the stuff!

We've gone to the counselor once, and we are both going to go individually for a while to work on ourselves. Then we'll start going again as a couple. We both need individual help changing our bad habits and find out where some of this stuff comes from.

Last night was nice - he was a little sad because he didn't get his hug right away when I got home. It's been a long time since he's wanted one, and it felt wonderful.

We're working on it one day at a time, but I feel that I need to push him to finally commit to NC. Neither one of us can heal until that part is over and then we can finally work on us.

Thank you

drgnfly



BW-31
FWH-32(skald)
DD-5
In Recovery
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

"To Err is Human. To Arr is Pirate."
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drgnfly,

Glad you've gotten some "feel goods" with your hubby, but please understand, he is CAKE EATING right now.

He has had contact with OW within the last few days (and perhaps more that you don't know about). He is still dangerous. DO NOT TRUST HIM YET.

Keep up your plan A, get those @@#%^!!! phone numbers and email addys changed and be vigilant about contact.

Until he goes COMPLETE NC with her for good, you cannot move forward, even with MC and IC. NC is what you must establish ASAP.

Meet his ENs, eliminate LBs, spend at least 15 hours a week alone with him doing those things, and if contact is still kept up, you'll need to consider Plan B.


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 692
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drgnfly Offline OP
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He's switching his phone numbers and email addresses. He read a book that I left for him and realized how he's duped himself and how much he's hurt me. He finally had words put to the feelings he had that he couldn't identify, and he's upset with himself for letting that happen. He's always been way too arrogant and believed himself high above any of this. He was a very judgmental person and it kicked him in the a$$.

He says that he has no interest in talking to her. He realizes that it isn't her that he wants but the feelings (ENs) that he wants. I've been working on my LBs and trying to fill those ENs myself, and over the past month we have made good progress.

He's still in that stage though of not sure if this is going to work and he has to figure out what's best for him and not sure if he can do the work. I know....fog. But since he's in this mood big time right now, he said he's giving himself two days to decide if he wants to work on this or not. Two days?! He's finally starting NC and then he's just going to give us two days?? That isn't even enough time for the fog to lift so we can give this an honest shot!

I need to pull myself together right now and think positive and make these two days count. If not, then I guess it's Plan B.


BW-31
FWH-32(skald)
DD-5
In Recovery
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

"To Err is Human. To Arr is Pirate."
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