Copied from thread "Plan B - can it work". I was curious for a response to this point.

My (recovering?) WS says she sometimes has an ofoverwhelming feeling of panic or a desire to run away. That she feels she needs to just run out the door and find some space to be on her own from time to time. Then when she does think about being away from home or goes out somewhere, has a craving to be back with me and our home. She says its a feeling of being caged or trapped but she doesn't understand this craziness and is struggling to understand what is going on in her head.

She says that during the A sometimes she was not actually with OM but getting off somewhere on her own. So, some of the times I was thinking she was with him she was actually just chilling out on her own.

Interestingly, I know that she used to have similar feelings when she was a child. We have spoken about this long before her A so I know it isn't just the current situation. I used to think it was mostly to do with her turbulent upbringing - her father had numerous A's which drove her mom crazy at times with 4 young daughters to care for. My W as a child used to run away to friends and relatives when things got a little too difficult to cope with at home. May be related to this, may be not.

Are there any WS's out there had similar feelings?
Are you a BS that has been told anything similar?
Is she doing something underhand or just as mad as a hatter?
Is it just the past haunting her?
Maybe its too complicated an issue to deal with here?

It is confusing the heck out of me so I can only imagine what it could be doing to her.

Any thoughts?

Call the Harleys while you still have time to save your marriage. Scrape up the money and see if she will talk to them.

Yes, she may have a caged feeling because her marriage is interferring with her affair.

<< Yes, she may have a caged feeling because her marriage is interferring with her affair. >>

LOL yes that is one of my fears...

From my other thread you might see a bit more of this and the fact that she seems to be trying to sort things.

My real Q is whether this is a common symptom of recovery or whether it is just her.

As I mentioned, she had these same feelings long before the A so it is quite possible it is totally different issue.

I asked on the other thread whether its poss to get counselling from the Harleys via something like MSN, Skype etc. since we are not in US. Anyone tried this?

I don't know if it's common but I've heard it expressed as "fight or flight". I've felt it a few times myself during all of this. In fact, I've felt it several times in my life. It WOULD be so much easier huh, just run away, forget everything. Maybe it is more common than people admit. Your wife just admits it.

She may have had these feelings for a long time. Too bad she didn't get counseling instead of finding an affair partner.

She may be going through the empty nest syndrome. She may have FOO issues. You may not have met her EN's.

But it is clear that she must end all contact with the OM and put her energy toward working on the marriage.

See if she will agree to speak to the Harleys.

You are doing well right now, but could lose your love for her almost overnight.

I feel this way alot but i am a BS. I think it is more of running away from the responsibilities of the real world and into the fantasy world that so many WS fall into. My feeling is more of running away from the reality I have to now face not really my real world responsibility.

I know that people all over the world have done the phone counseling, but not sure how.

Here is what it says on the home page -

For calls made from outside North America, please call 011-651-762-8570 for additional information.

Well, we've analysed the heck out of the A and I'm pretty confident that the A came from me not meeting her EN of affection.

Working long hours, working away from home, in fact, working far too much and jumping down her throat at times when she was looking for affection. I'm sure I'm not the only guy that ever did that but was naive as to where it would lead. The problem is that while I was failing to meet her need for affection, Mr OM was telling her how his W would never be affectionate toward him so the two of them hit it off.

There are also some SF probs as well but nothing that couldn't be sorted with a little effort. Before the A our sex life was pretty good but could have been better. Putting it another way, if I hadn't failed her need for affection the SF one would never have been realized and filled.

So, in a nutshell we know what caused the A but there was issues before it even started. We can fix them but the A itself has caused an even bigger issue.

We really would like to consult to the Harleys direct but it's difficult from the UK.

<<edit>>
Crossposted Believer - thank you for the number

Yes, whatever else is going on, the main problem NOW is the affair and her contact with the OM.

All the rest can be fixed. But she may not be too willing to really work on the marriage and get her feelings back for YOU when he is still in the picture.

Yes, it's very common for a WS to say they 'just need space' and want to run off. Have you read SAA? The story of Jon and Sue pretty much nails it. Sue flip flops back and forth between wanting to be home and not. It's not Recovery.

Yes I've read the book, got the t shirt and all...

There's a long story behind my WS's A in a couple of other threads but it was this one issue that I wondered about.

It is possible she's still in contact with OM and this is a way of providing a cover for future "run-offs" but I don't buy that theory. My instincts are about 80-90% sure she's not carrying on the A and this is a different issue cos it's something that has arisen at various times through the time I've known her.

It doesn't really relate directly to the J&S story. She is saying that she sometimes FEELS like running still; she doesn't actually do it now but she did do it at times during the A. In other words, on an occasional few of the times I assumed she was going to see OM she was actually just going off for a drive or sitting in a park. She is prob telling me the truth cos there is no reason to lie about what's already happened. She's not denying having seen the OM on most of those disappearances but, wants me to know that a few of the times, she wasn't. She says doesn't understand at all why she has often felt like this and wants me to try and work this out with her.

When was the last time she saw him, talked to him, or had any kind of contact with him?

Believer,

AFAIK on or about 8th Oct - she ran into him at work and had an argument, he accused her of letting him down (seeing as he had left his W for her!) then she came home and cried on my shoulder. Like I give a toss what happens to him!

I know she called him up briefly on 20th Oct but didn't connect the call (I spyed on her cellphone bill without her knowing - a 4 sec call which she had already told me abt).

All evidence says she ain't spoken to him since then and she swears to me she has not.

Ther could be covert stuff going on but if i aint meant to know it can always be hidden.

She also swears that she loves me and he is out of her life for good.

Why do you ask?

WW ran into him at work. Many a BH wants to ignore that WW and OM can never be allowed to work together any more. Can not have NC if they work at the same place.

TR - I thought we had this convo before. She doesn't work with him at all but the nature of where she works means that there is a possibility she might run into him. I can't give you any more details for reasons of privacy but there is no more danger of her bumping into him than any people that live and work in the same town.

Of course, moving home and transferring jobs is on the agenda but doesn't happen too quickly esp. in this current financial climate.

I suppose I could lock her in the closet until then but I don't think that would help.

There have got to be limits to how far someone can go!

Nothing explains her feelings of running before the A either. That's the bit that I find most difficult to work out right now.

Hey y'all, I aint posted for a bit but just wanted to give an update.

Well, we're still living together. She swears she has had no contact with OM since October.

She's in the process of a transfer of job and we are talking regularly and getting on great.

I feel we're making progress and definitely coming together. Building on our relationship and getting on better than we have for years. She has started to become a lot more affectionate and open about her life now.

However, I am not naiive enough to think it is all sweetness and light without a lot more work.

There is a lot more to how things have happened over the past 6 weeks but maybe I'll post these up if anyone is interested in the story...

Thanks all for your input and help so far.

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Of course we are interested. What's been happening in the last 6 weeks?

Here's the update:

Uh oh...
Spoke to soon.

First let me explain whats happened.

For the most part of of November we got on great. She kept re-assuring me that she had NC with OM and that she doesn't want to have anything more to do with him.

There was a little episode in late November when her car got trashed. Seriously trashed! Someone smashed all the glass and mirrors, scratched up the paint on every panel then has poured a gallon of white gloss paint across the whole car. Bearing in mind the car is deep purple it didnt look too smart after. I think she knows more about that than she is letting on but at least she did report it to the police with me. Personally I think it was done by OMW. Anyway, she was due for a new car so we went out and got one for her. Hopefully this new one won't be recognized and she will be safe. I dont like the idea of someone confronting her with a risk of physical harm. Maybe I was wrong to buy the car for her but she knows I did it to protect her and I've said that the car is owned by my company on paper so if we ever split it goes back to the firm.

Her job situation - she was looking for the transfer we spoke about and something did eventually come up which she has applied for. It is also a promotion & a little more cash so it would be good news for her all round. She will know by end of Jan if she's got it.

Anyway over the weeks we have been trying to do things together. Prepping for Christmas has been fun. Christmas shopping trips together and wrapping presents. We have also been laughing and playing, going out to eat a lot too. I still caught her shedding a tear or two here and there. She has also been open enough to tell me how she feels abt OM and admits that she still feels a lot of love for him but knows that he isn't the person for her in the long term and she loves me very much although there is still that spark missing from our relationship that she still feels for him.

One of the things we do together and have done for a couple of years is go to the gym almost every day. Four weeks ago, on a Saturday we went down to the gym as usual. Having a real good time actually, laughing and joking. Chatting about silly stuff all the way there and went through our usual workout. When we came out of the gym she said that she said she wanted to show me something. We were in her car and she was driving so I apprehensively said OK and we laughed and joked as we went about our journey for a few miles.

We stopped at a place about 3 or 4 miles away at some appt blocks Ive never seen before. She wouldnt tell me anythin but got out of the car with me and we walked holding hands into one of the blocks where she walked into a first floor appt with a key. I instantly recognised some of the stuff in there. Furniture, ornaments and pictures that had recently gone missing from our home which I was told she had thrown out.

She then told me that she'd had this place for some weeks since (8th October) and had been prepping it. She told me that she hadnt said anything up til then cos she didnt know what to do, back and forth with the keys as she had told me she had done. She then announced that she was going to stay there for a bit to get to know herself. I told her that I was disappointed she had been deceitful again. I thought she had really betrayed me again after all had been said, I was sickened and walked out. As I walked up the road to get a taxi she came past in the car and told me she was gonna go home so I should hop in - I did and we went home in silence. She stayed home that week but said that she would go back to the appt to stay there at the end of the week.

On the following Saturday we had a conversation where she again talked about having these feelings to run and find her own space. She Said she was going to have to do this for her own peace of mind and then may know what she wants from life. She went over to the appt and I agreed to pop around later to drop some stuff off, put a curtain rail up for her and fix the TV aerial. I did all this and after she started freaking out screaming at me that I didnt love her and that I couldn't wait to get rid of her. Again confused, I got up and walked. As I drove out of the appt block she ran up crying saying that she wanted to come home and make everything alright. I said that she needed to sort her life out. I told her I would support her in whatever she decides as long as she can promise to never bullsh*t me again and that the A is over. She had a cry and we cuddled in the car then she went up to get most of her stuff. We drove home, ate and went to bed and hugged and kissed all night which was nice.

Since then we have got on fine. We've been sending each other little messages on SMS. Buying nice little gifts and at Christmas we got some nice sentimental things for each other, spent a lot of time together and really enjoyed the time we had together. Our son spent a little bit of time with us at home but we didn't really visit any other relatives spending most of the time enjoying each other's company. New year's we sepnt driving out to a local hillside viewpoint and overlooking the town where we kissed as we watched the fireworks and lights. Just the two of us it was very nice and we giggled most of the way home though we did sadly have a convo about the situation where she said she still felt like running.

New years day she came to me and said that we have to make a new start in the new year. That she was going to try to move back into the appt and stay there. I was disappointed but again said that I would support whatever she wanted to do as long as it is just us and OM is nowhere in the picture. She explained that its really nothing to do with him and she just wants to find herself. Anyway, she went and is now living there. She pops in to see me most days to visit the dog and yesterday we sat and chatted about things where she said that she is taking the time to think about us but nothing else. When asked she also swore that OM is not even a factor in any of it, that he is history though she did admit to being tempted to send him a txt msg to say hi.

I'm still at home on my own of course. Never had to be home alone before and it is quite lonely. I chat to my friends on the phone a lot and Sunday night I went out for a beer with a friend but most of my time so far has been in my own company thinking about things. She still sends me the sweet little messages on SMS and I usually reciprocate. This week is proving hard though. Especially nights alone in the bed.

My own confusion at this time is not knowing how to handle this situation. Do I just let her run the show and support her? Do I cut the contact with me? Do I change the locks or tell her to avoid coming round? Should I try to treat this like a Plan B scenario?

Not quite sure how to handle this for the best. What I am a little concerned about is that we seemed to be getting very much closer when she was at home and I fear this may damage the recovery.

What do you guys think?

Sorry for your pain, Bob. MY WS expressed the same things about needing to run. While home, he filled free time with outside activities that did not include me -- like golfing with his buddies. Anything to stay away from me, the kids, and home. And I gave him space to deal with withdrawls.

Fast forward -- two days after Christmas. Walks in and says "Let me go. I'm miserable here." After several hours of talking, crying, confusion -- he walks out door to see OW and returns 24 hours later to get his stuff. Haven't heard from him or seen him in a week. Dark Plan B in effect.

I swear I couldn't have kept him from leaving unless I physically restrained him. The lure of OW was (and is) so addicting. I can't understand it.

As for the running, he said that when he and her are together, he just focuses on her -- no golf or friends or anything else. When home, he wants out. And the stuff he does with her (movies, concerts, trips) are the things I've suggested we do. the problem is that he just doesn't want to do them with ME.

Bigbob,

I think you have already answered your own question. You said
Coping mechanisms developed as children are often brought into adulthood, unless they are addressed. I have not read anything but what you have posted here, but I would guess that the A, and her overwhelming need to run away are in fact coping mechanisms. They are very poor coping mechanisms but they are what she has used and will use unless she gets counseling to address these things AND she develops other more healthy coping mechanisms.

YOu may not realize it, but if you read the articles here, you will see a whole list of coping mechanisms that are far more healthy. They include the policies of radical honesty and surely the policy of joint agreement, POJA. I would also suggest that meeting each others needs is also a coping mechanism.

She needs to exmaine this and make a decision to change how she copes with stress.

God Bless,

JL