JT and I had an absolutely fun afternoon walking around the Bellevue mall. We decided that we aren't going there until AFTER the holidays. I'm so grateful I got to spend time with you yesterday.

We discussed alot about our journeys and my path to follow. Then I went up to my second job and spoke with my boss who in many ways is a spirtual sounding board for me along with her husband.

We talked in great length about divorce. We talked about my M, about WH and who he has become and we talked about truths in my M. We had been working with these people for YEARS because of the hurts that my H continually caused in our life. Please, please don't get me wrong. I love my H, I believe that there is someone very loving and good inside of him, but that person doesn't exist today. And he won't exist for a very long time because he is so sick inside of himself.

I have searched and searched for G-d's guidance and understanding of what to do. I made a commitment to this man and I know he loved me at one point. But he has so many issues that are related to himself and NOT ME.

Where does this leave me. Well so grateful that I came to MB in the beginning. All of you were my lifeline. I simply just wanted to DIE. I wanted to fix it, make him come home, come to understand how he could be doing what he is doing. I wanted to take the blame, all of it and bring him home. I wanted to sacrifice my life for his if it would bring him home.

But G-d repeatedly said NO.... I didn't get one chance at making my M work. Time and time again, I watched people on here get something albeit a crumb, but then their WH came home, some made it and some didn't. I couldn't grasp why I wasn't given the opportunity when I was willing to give up everything for him.

I hated myself, I hated what I had done to my M, the guilt the horror that I was responsible for ripping apart a family.

Then last night it really dawned on me. G-d is protecting me from WH. WH has been changing for YEARS and YEARS. He isn't coming home because he can't control me the way he can crack ho. And he needs control, he needs to create chaos and turmoil and blame the other person, he needs to be able to pick on someone and feel good about himself and G-d watched me take it for years and years and keep trying to change myself so that it would get better in our lives.

In my own way, I am beginning the process of divorcing my H spiritually, emotionally and mentally. Plan B has given me this time and "place" to really look at how and what G-d is doing in my life. I'm not ready to get the legal part completed, but I am ready to move forward in the other three arenas.

I repeat, there is still so much love in my heart for my H, and I would give anything for him to come home. But the truth is, until I learn to truly love myself, take care of myself, G-d won't let WH or H near me. So I surrender to G-d and ask him to finish working in me what he needs me to work on so I can truly become his woman and therefore be in a place to truly accept the blessings he is wanting to bestow on me.

18 months ago, I never imagined I could move forward like I am. But I have, I have learned, I have worked very hard to grasp the truth and reality and I have surrendered because I have no other choice but to continue to give G-d my life and see where he leads me.

Last week's Torah portion, Parashat Lech L'cha defines the ultimate journey of humanity. Within each of us there is a search for meaning. Lech L'cha defines this search as one that is deeply spiritual. In these few words, the Torah teaches us a great deal about our relationship with God and how God speaks to us.

Adonai said to Abram, "Go forth from your native land and from your father's house to the land that I will show you. . . ." Abram went forth as Adonai had commanded him. . . . (Genesis 12:1, 4)

I have come to accept it is time for me to go forth from the house of my H that I know and let G-d take me to the place he has always designed for me in spirit, body and mind..

Y'lheratzon,

May this be so.....

to my MB family for giving me the time and space to grow and change and become...

QUEENIE

We love you, too. You are a perfect example of survival and personal recovery. What a blessing you are!

Cinders,

We are ALL the perfect example of how we survive in our own ways when we let G-d in and the bad out. As in AA, keep coming back it works if you work it. And working the Plans have worked in my life. I know I went down fighting trying to change and salvage my M, I know that I let go when I didn't want to and I know that G-d has my life now and is taking me somewhere unknown.

Ok a little bragging... My Hebrew name is Bracha, which means blessing. I need to thank my parents.

{{{{{{{{{{{Cinders}}}}}}}}}}}

This is AA daily reflection

SELF-ACCEPTANCE

We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter.

TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 105

I pray for the willingness to remember that I am a child of God, a divine soul in human form, and that my most basic and urgent life-task is to accept, know,love and nurture myself. As I accept myself, I am accepting God's will. As I know and love myself, I am knowing and loving God. As I nurture myself I am acting on God's guidance. I pray for the willingness to let go of my arrogant self-criticism, and to praise God by humbly
accepting and caring for myself.

Queenie you are such an inspiration....your WH is really losing a precious gem in you.....

For a moment, reading your post I thought you were LEAVING!!!!

You know how special you are to me ..you were my rock at my worst times in this awful ride....

You have come a LONG way....

(I wish there was a little emoticon for a standing ovation.)

Queenie

Leave this place.. No, not me. But it is time for me to transition to a different place on here. One of hope, one of acceptance that I am healing and moving on and one of gratefulness that it might not be what I wanted, it is what G-ds will is for me.

Hope you and I want the same thing. Where it ends up we don't know, but we are together and holding hands in heart to keep moving forward and just being where we need to be.

I love you Hope

PM, the standing ovation is for US. Not me. We on here create the place to keep learning, accepting and moving. This is ALL OF OUR GLORIES....

thank you so much for all you have given and done for me.

You are so special to me and I am so blessed to have you in my life.

{{{{{{{{{{PM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Queenie,

You are an inspiration to us all. I am new here and still dealing with the shock of the situation, but....

On my d-day (9-14-08), I called my best friend and told him what happened. He said, "I love you and your wife, but until you hit your knees and find out where you are with God, and what direction He wants you to take, all we are doing is talking."

It took me three hours before I kneeled down...took another 3 hours before I was done.

I did not get a voice or vote in my WAW's A. They did.

I had two choices...surrender to God OR be the mean person WAW made me out to be. Well, I choose God!

In the past several weeks, many of my empolyees have come to my aid, now they are coming to me for prayer. In all my years, I wanted to pray for people and share God with people. I simply did not. God spoke to me about 8 months ago and told me that I had better start following Him or I would lose it all. Well, did I listen? I can assure you that I am now.

My relationship with my children has never been better. My 12 y.o. DS and I pray nightly. I start with softly singing hymns and then we pray. After prayer, we simply hug each other for a long time. He told me last night that I was his best friend.

The moral of my story: God wants what is best for His children. Just like our kids, we have to LISTEN. As for me, I will continue to ALLOW God to take me in the direction that He has already planned for me. At this point in my life, and for the first time, I KNOW that I am complete. When I read all these posts, I am reminded that one day my WAW will regret the fact that she not only didn't listen to God, but moved on in a direction that is AGAINST His will. I miss her cause I, like you are still very much in love with her, however, at this time I've accepted the fact that God is also protecting me. How can we lose?

Thanks for helping in you sweet way, my healing!

(That would be three cheers for Queenie)

Queenie,

I'm so proud of you. The path that you have covered is far and wide. You're an inspiration to us all.

Much love to you....

You are so welcome, but it's truly G-d speaking through me. 18 months ago, I just wanted to die. I couldn't, couldn't imagine EVER being at this point.

I think you have a better grasp of G-d than I, in that you KNOW you are complete. I am surrendering to learn it because there is NO OTHER way for me. Your analogy on how you didn't listen to G-d, SO ME. But then again, maybe this was our path all along because there is NO MORE LYING to ourselves. As Mark has helped me so often, if we are here to have a relationship with G-d and we didn't. And now we do, then we are so much better people because of what we have gone through, listened and found G-d.

We could have turned away, been bitter, etc. But the light of love that G-d has for us, shown and burned into us there was a better way to life and you and I are on that better path to light, glory and happiness.

We in the end, though hurting deeply now, feel like we have lost more today, will come out the winners because like you see as much as I do, are CHOOSING to learn the lessons and move forward in G-ds will and path for us.

Our spouses, who knows where there journeys' lead them. Hopefully back to us, but if not, we will be blessed for finding and creating relationships with G-d. They can lie to themselves the rest of their lives, but they could never have what we have.

You are an amazing man, Kick, I'm sorry you hurt, I'm sorry the pain this has caused you, but look at the beauty around you now. It's a miracle and a blessing and you have earned the joy and love from so many on here and in your real life for how you have walked through this.

While we are being protected, what better time it is to strengthen our commitment and relationship to G-d and let him finish what he has started in us.

Mark, you may not be willing to fully accept or truly begin to understand how you have helped me walk through this. You were my strength and commitment to G-d, like Mimi and JT to just keep walking in FAITH and TRUST him. Those three cheers are for US.. G-ds children, because in the worst possible set of circumstances, G-ds love and guidance wins... NOT that monster Satan.

Chai, you are the most amazing person, the strength and resolve you have. It just inspires me to keep moving and be there right along side of you. I love you girl, I so hope you and Smartiepants come out here for New Years and my 25th annivesary. Chances are WH won't be getting me a card of gift this year.

there is NO MORE LYING to ourselves.

As I've stated, this was the hardest thing to grasp. I was lying to myself, because I was not walking on the path God wanted.

We in the end, though hurting deeply now, feel like we have lost more today, will come out the winners because like you see as much as I do, are CHOOSING to learn the lessons and move forward in G-ds will and path for us.

Once I was able to completly surrender my sitch to God...not just my marriage, but my LIFE...I found myself relaxed and competent in everything I am doing. I have not felt so confident in years.....it is amazing what complete trust in God can do for you.

While we are being protected, what better time it is to strengthen our commitment and relationship to G-d and let him finish what he has started in us.

Queenie, you are in control of your life...anyone else that reads this needs to believe this. All these vets preach that WE cannot change our spouse.
The two things my WAW told me on d-day and numerous other times was that I was miserable and made everyone else miserable AND that I cannot make anyone else happy unitl I make myself happy.
Now, she hurt me cause there were many other hurtful things she said that day, but I took these two to heart and literally gave them to God. I am just an ordinary guy who loves my family and works hard to provide for them....BUT without the true inner PEACE that comes from the love of God....I was lying to myself.
I can NEVER "go back" because HE made me realize that walking with Him is MY happiness.

the BIGGEST mistake I made in my life was believing this. Yes, I make choices, but G-d is in CONTROL of my life. He has a plan for me. It was my independence, my ego, my whatever I can't figure out the word that allowed me to think otherwise.

I am not willing to think I have control at all. What I have is a second chance with my relationship with G-d and I am blessed that he is so good to me.

THIS IS IT.......

I just read an interview with Twila Paris. She had some really good things to say about G-d being in control:



Here's the full article - God is in Control

PM, this is absolutely perfect and true....

Did you ever go camping as a kid?

My father's idea of roughing it was to rent a fishing boat that had a manual start outboard...

But I was a Boy Scout. Really. I had a green uniform and everything.

I remember walking along a path in the woods in the middle of the night. The trees seemed to swallow up the surroundings and noises, some identifiable and others more sinister by the fact that I couldn't tell what they were all around me.

But I had this really cool flashlight and when I turned it on and could see where I was headed, it wasn't so scary after all. The light was just bright enough to illuminate my way and show me where I was going. As long as that light was pointed onto the path, I knew exactly where I was headed.

But if I swung the light off to the side, and pointed it into the woods, now it was really scary. Not only couldn't I see the path I needed to stay on but I could also see all sorts of things in the darkness of the woods. Some of them were merely shadows and not anything real at all, but when you're 9 or 10 you don't reason that well and it is the UNseen that holds the most terror.

The light shining into the trees didn't cast a beam very far and the woods seemed to swallow it up within a few scant yards so that it's power seemed to be lessened some how. And when it did strike something that was alive, it caused the animal's eyes to glow, usually an eerie red that seemed to be so evil in its very nature.

But when I turned the light back onto the path, all those things dimmed into memory very quickly and I could once more see where I was going and knew that I was still on the right path. As long as I kept that light pointed where I was headed and kept my gaze fixed onto its bright circle ahead of me, I knew everything would be alright.


Haggai 1 (NIV)
5 Now this is what the LORD Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. 6 You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it."

7 This is what the LORD Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. 8 Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build the house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored," says the LORD. 9 "You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?" declares the LORD Almighty. "Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house.

When we focus on ourselves and our own circumstances or on our surroundings, our progress comes to a stop. We are afraid, unsure of where to go and what to do and become lost in our self pity. No matter what we think we can do to overcome our lot, we find that it is never enough. We think we're making progress but it is all an illusion.

When we focus on Him we know where we are headed and know that we are going down the right path. His ways first and our ways will be smooth and easy going.

Psalm 119: 105 & 106 (The Message)
By your words I can see where I'm going;
they throw a beam of light on my dark path.
I've committed myself and I'll never turn back
from living by your righteous order.

As long as we remain focused on His light and follow where He leads us, we can know that we are safe and that nothing can harm us, because we can see the light of God's words shining before us, showing us where we need to go.

Bracha, you truly are a blessing...


Upon the righteous, upon the pious, upon the elders of your people of the house of Israel, upon the remnant of their scholars, upon the righteous converts, and upon ourselves, may Your compassion arise, O Lord our God, and give good reward to all who sincerely believe in your Name. Include us with them forever, and let us not be ashamed, for we put our trust in You. Blessed are You, Lord, the stronghold and assurance of the righteous.

Shabbat Shalom, Queenie.

Yes, Shabbat Shalom!

Oh my goodness Mark... Wow... I'm beyond touched.

It was 18 months today since d-day. I left this day in G-ds hands, and walked through slower at times when the pain was a little harder and asked G-d to help me move forward. I laughed like I used to. I even made jokes about this situation. A true testament to G-ds grace in healing me.

18 months ago tonight, my world was ripped apart and all that was left was the ashes of desperation to just die and not feel any pain. Today, I walked with G-d as his humble, grateful student learning his ways, walking in his words and praying that one day, this will be over the way he plans and I will be the woman he always envisioned.

I love that analogy Mark... I have spent a great deal of the day, asking G-d to take my hand and lead me in the dark, because though I see light, I still am in the dark. And that's ok.

Shabbat Shalom Cinders and Mark, and for those who don't celebrate shabbat. Have an awesome weekend.

Queenie, I just want to say that you are making a wonderful journey and I believe it will lead you to even more wonderful places. I am not a spiritual person but it shines through your posts.

I wish you all the best and pray for you in my heart.