Please. My W likes it.

It's only during sex. It's not like I'm treating her like a hooker all the time.

Plus, it's not even necessarily physical. It may only be something that happens inside the head of the BS during SF.

As long as that train of thought ends at the O, no harm no foul.

Krazy,
I think I found it.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2058426&fpart=6

I have read many things as to how to approach this. This is but one of many. However, I agree that treating your wife like a porn star is despicable, but agree with the survival technique. I would say it is more like a distraction to keep the brain from flashing to the affair. What Krazy experienced was much worse than most of us here, his 'distraction' seems a little extreme. But if you had those pictures in your head, it would take something extreme to black them out. It is like when you start thinking negative thoughts (of the affair), you are supposed to try to replace those thoughts with good thoughts (of your marriage).

This is assuming FWW is willing to be treated like a porn star-- whatever that means. Sounds despicable. If I were a FWW, I'm thinking I'd be like wait a minute, I was wrong, but this is worse. Just because a FWW is remorseful and is wanting to recover and restore her marriage, doesn't mean she has to be submit to degradation. Sorry, I ain't buying that one.

I couldn't get the link to work, but thanks for trying.

You seem to get my point. It's not a revenge thing, it's all about using a certain mindset as a distraction to help avoid triggers during SF.

Whatever works, as long as nobody is hurt.

When I said "treat her like a porn star", I didn't mean by doing specific things, or doing things in a certain way.

I just meant that, in a BSs head, it can help to think of the WS as nothing more than some anonymous piece of tail.

Done properly, the WS would likely have no idea what was happening.

There's nothing degrading about it. Certainly nothing like when a WS fantasizes about the OP during sex with the BS.

What if it is part of Just Compensation? Also, I think it is more of a WW thing b/c after they have earned the Former in FWW, there will be no need for the distraction. I think porn stars have a lot more dignity than waywards (they don't lie, cheat, sneak around, etc). How about just saying "Think happy thoughts when it comes to SF". Distract yourself from thinking about OM.

With all due respect, people, there was a thread not too long ago concerning "reclaiming the WS through intense SF"

Dame PepperBand even said she reclaimed her H like a "cowgirl riding hard a wild stallion" or words to that effect. Melodylane agreed along with many other vets.

Plus Krazy is speaking from an internal thinking of the partner as a porn star. Not actually physically treating her like one, although from that previous reclaiming thread the gist was to DO IT!

IMHO

kirk

Okay, gotcha.

K71:

You had a shot with the "treat her like a pornstar"

Until this:


And THAT is the dangerous part,

And your anonymous POT senses it from a mile away.

That is SO AGAINST MB principles.

Eyes open. If your uncomfortable with SF with your wayward or newly (F)wayward spouse, then you need to talk about that with the other person. Why you are uncomfortable. And what you two can do together to get past those things.

The wayward one has some issues to address as well.

One way to reclaim your wayward spouse IS to have very active SF with them. (Note: get those STD tests first...) Especially men. But if you are going thru the motions, you know it and your partner will know it. And that doesn't work with the MB principles.

LG

Really? She likes this...???

Well, the [censored] has hit the fan once again. I got a call from WW yesterday afternoon and she was crying uncontrollably and begging me to come home. She wouldn’t tell me what was wrong; she just said “it’s too terrible to talk about on the phone.” When I got home about 10 min later, I found her curled up in a fetal position on the sofa still crying. It took me a good 15 min to get her to calm down enough to tell me what was going on.

Apparently, WW had allowed RRB to take some pictures of her that were, well let’s just say “graphic” if you know what I mean. It seems that he had sent these to some of his buddies, who sent it to some of there friends, and so on until these things have been going all over campus for the past couple of weeks. The university called WW yesterday to tell her about what was going on. According to them, a female student received an email containing the pictures and was upset enough to inform school officials. They have been investigating since Tuesday and have sound that these pictures have been forwarded to over a 1000 students.

I’m sorry to say that I didn’t handle it too well. I spent the first 5 minutes yelling at her and asking her how she could be so stupid and then I left for a couple of hours because I just couldn’t stand to look at her. I finally calmed down enough to go back home. I called my mother and had her pick up the kids from daycare and went back to face the music. She was still huddled on the sofa crying. I apologized for yelling at her and asked her if there were any more things that she hadn’t told me that were going to jump up and bit us in the a$$. She swears there’s nothing else, but who knows at this point. I know she probably needed me to hold her and tell her that everything would be okay, but to be honest, I just didn’t want to. I wanted her to hurt as much as I am.

I really need some help, but I don’t even know what to ask at this point. Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this new bombshell?

I think you handled it just fine. She deserved to be yelled at.

Frankly, there is only one thing to do here...because trust me, this will eventually find its way to your kids. Move far away. If you live in New York...try California.

If you haven't reached your limit, and you're still serious about recovery, could you even consider the possibility of moving somewhere else? Preferably another state. Put some distance between your family and all this, this, um, stuff.

Sorry to have to say this, but if they end up wide-spread on the internet (which is likely), you may want to consider retaining an attorney proficient in IP (Intellectual Property) Internet law.

Jo

I hope Meredith got a copy of the pictures, too. If, after all this, she marries that sorry donkey she's certainly going to get what she deserves.

There's not really a lot you can or should do. She's the one who made the stupid decision to let RRB take the pics. She's the one who has to walk around town wondering who has seen the pics. This is just another lovely opportunity for her to suffer the consequences of her actions.

Regarding moving, I think it should be considered but you guys should POJA a decision like that.

Regarding whether or not you want to keep trying to recover this marriage, I'd say be sure and take your time. Don't make any big decisions for six months post D-day. You may be certain you want to throw in the towel one day and filled with hope and optimism the next.

The FWW should have ZERO say in this. Zero. If he wants o move, they go. Period.

And he should do things to minimize the impact to both him and his children. He is the one that has to walk around town with the woman that did this. He is going to be talked about too.

MG,

Definitely, DEFINITELY make sure that Meredith receives the photos.

You might condsider sending them to RRB's father, too.

There's no strategic reason.

If hundreds or thousands of people are going to see them anyway, why shouldn't two of those people be the ones that RRB cares about the most?

****EDIT****

I would advise not to try to do anything about removing the pics from everyone who got them. You'd never be completely successful. They will quickly fade into obscurity if you do nothing. If you make a big deal about them, they'll get forwarded to even more people.

Rah-Rah Boy needs something very bad to happen to him.

It's one thing to be the OM when she's a willing WW...it's another thing entirely to do something like this to her.

Yeah, she agreed to the pics. Irrelevant.

If anyone did something like this to my wife or daughter, I'd make them suffer for it.

Not by "living well", either.