Hello Everyone! Im a newbie here, but I have so many Q, im hoping to just start here and all of you out there can guide me in some answers so I can help a friend.

I have been friends with her for maybe 17 yrs.. her husband too. they have been married for 15 years, I have been with my husband for 18 years. Her marriage is troubled, always has been. I can see the controlling husband, manipulating her, all that comes with that, and shes been so weak she played right into his hands all these years, now shes afraid and wants out.

He will NOT be married to someone who just bought a pack of smokes, and if she needs to talk to someone she can talk to his parents or sisters... she isnt allowed to have friends, she has no family or siblings but me... and im not giving up!! nor does she want me to. He does. Imt he strong one he calls me yelling and screaming the stronger she gets, she was just allowed to get a job, and she LOVES being on the outside world, which has brought her tremendous strength. But yesterday and all week he is saying... I want to be your number 1, and I want you with only me, and all to myself.. and I am jealous of your 1 girlfriend, why do you have to talk to her? why cant you just talk to me more? why do you have to share thoughts or secrets with her? I dont get it!! no matter how she tried to rationalize that it isnt healthy to not have other relationships, his tone gets scary, and violent, and hes getting more scarier as the days go by that he sees her not giving in.

How can I help her? and guide her when I truly believe in marriage? I love my husband, we have no trust issues, never have etc... we are 2 grown seperate people. Please guide me with her.... I am fearing for her life lately... Has anyone seen the movie..... sleeping with the enemy???

Can your friend get to this site herself?

It is always tricky going through the middleman.

Meanwhile, pray for wisdom dealing with this man.

Honestly, while I abhor abuse, their relationship is not your business(IF she is being physically assaulted though, contact a local shelter and seek guidance). If you are aware of physical abuse, help her out. If she asks for your help to deal with abuse, help her find shelter.

One thing about your post that makes me question YOU here is the comment about "smokes." Why is it wrong for her husband to not want to be married to a smoker??? What makes that wrong in your eyes?

I do understand that the H would want his wife to come to him instead of a girlfriend, my H would not want me talking smack about him to someone and especially not saying anything to him about it, thats what get marriages in trouble when the Spouse's aren't intimate with each other.
If she is being physically abused then by all means she needs to run for her life.
you say that you and your H are two different people. but you should think,concur and live as one, and tell each other your problems.

Why in the world are you interfering in this womans marriage? He is not the problem here, SHE IS. She shouldn't be trash talking her own husband to her girlfriends. She shouldn't be GOING OUT OF HER WAY TO MAKE HER HUSBAND MISERABLE!

If she knows it make him miserable, why doesn't she STOP?? HELLO? That really sucks and he is right to be angry about it.

How is it "unhealthy" to ask your spouse to not trash talk you and have "secrets" about you outside of your marriage? How is it "healthy" to continue doing something that you KNOW makes your spouse miserable? That is "healthy??" On what planet?

Disrespecting her husband with thoughtless behavior is NOT "healthy" to her marriage.

Let me tell ya something. If my H was trash talking me to some jerky "friend" my tone would be SCARY and VIOLENT. All he11 would break loose over that disloyal, disrespectful bullcrap. I guarandamntee ya! I wouldn't tolerate that for 2 seconds and neither should he.

If you are REALLY her friend, you would tell her to stop being a jerk to her husband and show him some respect. You are being an enemy to her marriage.

It just amazes me how some women operate. They believe they are entitled to treat men like CRAP and then cry WAAAA VICTIM [he is "controlling!" "abusive" "manipulative!!" blah, blah, blah.... ] when he objects.

give me a break..

Wow you guys...

There are usually two sides (unless personally involved...) I will never knock a poster for caring.

How can we know the scope of the problem with this limited and hearsay information? That is why I think that direct contact with the poster's friend is necessary.

If the poster has been misguided, let us help her on the path.
Tackle the problem, not the person.

I wonder if this infidelity forum is appropriate for this topic?
And c'mon guys... play nice.

This guy definitely sounds like a "control freak." I once dated someone like this and he tried to isolate me from my friends and family, saying "we" were a couple and we didn't need anyone else.

I got out before the physical abuse started and afterwards I could clearly see that it would have.

He has been telling her he is jealous, etc., because of her new job and her friends? Well, he is afraid he is losing control of her.

I don't know that you can do ANYTHING about it. The person who is being abused is the one who has to see what is going on and sometimes that doesn't happen until they get away from the abuser. If they are lucky, they get away alive.

Just be a friend as much as you can and pray. Pray A LOT.

Charlotte

Imagine, what is not "nice" is accusing a spouse of being "abusive" and "controlling" because he wants to be #1 in his wife's life. What is not "nice" is accusing a man of being "controlling" when he objects to being trash talked by his wife. What is not "nice" is interfering in this couple's marriage, when she knows it is causing trouble.

I wouldn't call it "caring" to interfere in someones marriage when it is known to cause trouble. That is not "caring."

Try and keep this in perspective and ask yourself what you would say to a MAN who came here complaining that his friend's wife DEMANDED that she be #1 in his life :MrEEk: and that he stop talking trash about her to his friends? hmmmmm

I betcha the story would be spun a leetle differently..

Sorry, but this is not "abuse" or "control." This is a man who rightfully wants to be #1 in his wife's life and wants her to stop going outside of the marriage to get her needs met. A VERY REASONABLE EXPECTATION. He wants her to STOP putting her friendship with her "friend" FIRST and wants her to STOP talking about HIM and telling secrets to her "friend."

That is what every married person wants and expects: TO BE NUMBER 1. To not have their spouse trash talking them behind their backs. That ain't "abuse." That ain't "control."

It is a PROBLEM to be solved if a spouse does not feel like he is number 1 in his spouses life, not a reason to CONDEMN. If a spouse feels JEALOUS, then the solution is to STOP doing what causes that anxiety. NOT to continue aggravating him.

But to continue this behavior when she knows it upsets him *IS* abuse. It is obnoxious and disrespectful and bound to cause resentment. The solution is to STOP causing him aggravation and anxiety and I did not see that suggested in your post, Harmony.

One can only judge by what the poster wrote. This Guy is a control freak, that wants to have a unhealthy relationship with his spouse.

The way WS's need help to break free from their OP, this posters friend needs help to have a healthy marriage.

I can't believe that so many poster's here don't want this woman's friend to get the help she and her husband needs.

Is it better to wait for violence, an affair, or how about both?

We only know half of the story, so we don't know the truth.

But you all are willing to convict.

Oh pshaw, there is no "abuse" based on what was described here. And I have no doubt she framed it in the worst possible light and told us the worst she knows.


The only one I see being convicted here is the husband. Pointing out their conviction of him is not wrong.

This is a TYPICAL CASE of a wife being extremely thoughtless and mean to her husband and then accusing him of trying to "control" her when he objects to her thoughtlessness.

It is not "abusive" to want to be #1 in the marriage. It is not "abusive" to not want your spouse to not trash talk you to her friends. This man feels like her "friendship" with this woman is interfering in his marriage and that he comes SECOND TO THE FRIEND. He is RIGHT to object if that is the case. A loving wife would want to TURN THAT AROUND, not condemn him for it.

Any spouse who felt like he/she is NUMBER 2 to a "friend" should be concerned.

Yeah, and lest we forget:


THAT speaks VOLUMES.

I used to work with a woman who was abused. She came to work black and blue on some days and on some days she didn't make it in at ALL, because her husband beat the hell out of her on a regular basis. We all tried to help her, offered to hide her, find a shelter, etc. She was TERRIFIED. She said he would find her no matter where she went.

It could be something as small as: not using serving dishes to serve a meal. He insisted on it, even when he was not there. The family was NOT allowed to serve themselves buffet style from the pots on the stove.

So they would always have to be sure and put serving dishes in the dish rack so that he would think they had used them.

That is SCARY STUFF. Just the post itself makes me think about her and others I have known that were being abused. My best friend from high school got involved with an control-freak abuser, too. He moved her to Illinois to isolate her. She eventually got away from him but now she is battling alcoholism. She still feels like a worthless human being because of his actions.

Charlotte

How sad that she lives in a country where a woman must GET PERMISSION from her husband to go to work!

I wonder what country that would be? SAUDI ARABIA, perhaps?

Thank goodness we live in a country where women don't need their husband's permission to work, huh?

curious that she needs her H's permission to work, but not his permission to carry on her friendship hmmmm

I would point out that the poster never said he beat her up, only that he objects to her placing her friendship above her marriage. That ain't abuse.

"He will NOT be married to someone who just bought a pack of smokes, and if she needs to talk to someone she can talk to his parents or sisters... she isnt allowed to have friends, she has no family or siblings but me..."

Not allowed to have friends? Hang in there with her. Her husband shows all the signs of being abusive.

And I think I would watch and see if there are any other signs of abuse.

Has she ever had injuries that she explained away?

Why do I feel like I have entered the twilight zone?


believer, just because a man wants to be #1 in his wifes life and resents the interference of this "friendship" does not mean he is a wife beater. Most men do want to be #1 and DO resent a friendship coming before the marriage. They RESENT being trashtalked behind their back. SO DO WOMEN.

That is NOT abusive behavior and his objection to said behavior does not mean he is an "abuser" on the same level as a wife beater.

My gosh, I don't know how or why men tolerate this kind of crazy crap. I wouldn't put up with this for a second and neither would most women.

I don't think we are doing this marriage any favors by allowing them to hang this husband as an "abuser" because he objects to thoughtless behavior. His marriage is already in trouble because of this "friendship" and the posts here are doing nothing to resolve that.

Melody, in my post above yours I said the same things your saying. I didn't understand this "friend"
There was not one mention of this man having an affair, not one mention of this man physically hurting his wife, not even any mention of what I would call "controlling"
Maybe, just maybe he dosen't want his wife hanging with this friend? Maybe this friend encourages his wife to do things that aren't working in the marriage, maybe that is why he wants her to spend time with family and NOT this friend that is causing some problems?

doingfine, thanks for reminding me that I am not in the twilight zone and am not the only one who sees what is going on here. I agree with you 100%.

I didn't see any mention of Saudi Arabia. What I did see were red flags indicating that this husband clearly has issues. The poster stated that this man has been controlling his wife for many years.

It would be nice if the poster would come back and clarify some things for everyone.

I have to admit that I did have some "BA wonderings" about this post, though. I guess that is possible but that still doesn't erase the red flags.

Charlotte