I know that by now your wife is worn down. She is humiliated and hopefully remorseful that she DID those things....not that she got caught. That is the big difference in recovery TO ME. If she is sorry that she did those things and willing to do what it takes to recover...you may find yourself in a marriage beyond what your wildest dreams could have hoped for. I know for some, religion doesn't play a big role in their lives, but if you are religious, you will find peace and comfort by getting back.... this may very well have been the wake up call BOTH of you needed to get your priorities in line. For many young and middle aged couples, we get so wrapped up in our jobs, money, presitge, etc....and we let the most important things in life fall by the wayside.

Take this opportunity through the holidays to slow down, spend some very important quality time with each other and your family. Really enjoy and savor each day. Although there will be pain involved in the healing process, you will find that the most simple things will melt your heart.

I want you to know that I admire you in the way you have handled yourself and the situation thus far. Continue to show your wife that she is loved, despite the lack of love and respect she has shown for herself. I think that is a very important issue in this situation. She had obviously become so insecure and aware of her biological clock ticking.....the dreaded getting older....that she lost all respect for herself. To do the things she did, and to allow the things that she allowed to happen, she needs to really explore that. Loving herself and having respect for herself will allow her the tools to make sure this never happens again.

Good luck and keep us updated. Im sure you are an inspiration to many here.

MG,

I was wondering if doing both H and OP in the same day is a common occurrence. I must admit that it disgusts me to think about, hopefully they used a condom. Are you getting some individual therapy or AD's. I was very against both and they really helped me out. I'm off the AD's now so you can just use them for a while and they don't seem to be habit forming? This seems like alot to handle all at once, I hope you are taking care of yourself.

""dreaded 5 letter word - time.""

I keep counting the letters...what am I missing?

Videos too?? AW Geez.

And she then just left them with RRB after they watched them?? OUCH!

kirk

good grief - I hit the wrong key - that is too funny.

multi tasking all morning

I don't know how common it is, but it is certainly disgusting. I am trying to hide it a bit, but I have trouble even kissing her thinking about where her lips have been. She swears they used protection for intercourse but admitted to having unprotected OS on a number of occasions. This revelation has caused me to be physically sick several times already. The only thing that has helped is knowing that she always takes a long bath every night after the kids are in bed, so at least there was some soap involved between him and me. Not much help but at least it's something.

don't rush yourself into anything. If you don't kiss her for a long time it would be okay. Follow your own feelings.

MG, I know you would like to believe that you have gotten the truth from her. Most likely, you have not reached the bottom yet. I know she is broken, but I would insist that she take a polygraph. I would bet the house there is a bit more to know...and I would not be surprised if this was not her fist affair.

And really...there isn't enough soap or mouthwash in the world when they act that way. Same day...videotaped...unbelievable. Do you have a line in the sand?

A fellow golf pro. You are the first I've encountered on these support websites.
I have read your amazing story and want to say you have handled this so well. I went through it once when I was in my late 30's and again just recently in my 50's. It is the most painful thing one can go through.
Seems much of the focus here is on the way you've handled this> But, I just want to say that you also need to focus on your pain and healing, as well. You may need counseling and meds to deal with this kind of pain.
When this happened to me, I really struggled with the concept of it being about something lacking in my wife vs some deficiency within me. Know that no one is perfect and that it is not expected one be a perfect spouse to expect fidelity.
My first wife was late 30's when she began embarking on this type of behavior. I was once regaled with details of just how incredibly fit the young guy she was seeing was with allusions to his sexual prowess. It was the most extreme form of abuse and it had me reeling. I kept all this to myself and did not seek help. That was a mistake.
My wife had no remorse and had become an alcoholic. She would not stop and I was left with no choice but to file.
It happened again, just recently with my second marriage and I handled things differently, going public and enlisting her family. Same result, divorce, as she would not stop or seek help.
In any case, I hope this works out for you. Rely on whatever support system you have and do not bury your pain.
You have been subjected to what experts on this subject consider the most severe form of spousal emotional abuse.
As for the young man, I think you are right to let it go , now. He's an idiot, driven by testosterone and a sense of entitlement. If he evolves, at some point, he will see just how wrong his behavior has been. You did his fiance the biggest favor of her life in informing her.
Keep playing the power fade. Right to left brings the occassional "devil ball". I wish I could un-ingrain the draw.

MG,

I think I would ask for the polygraph. I'm not sure there are complete lies but I would bet that the protection thing is a lie. Just because I think she would not want you to think that you had gotten RRB's semen on your parts when she did the same day thing. I would also think that the first time is a lie, because how do you get to the place where you are taking movies with your first time cheating partner.

mgolfer,

You have done well, very well in all of this. Time and patience, T&P, are required and by this give yourself the gift of time and patience. You will be tried by your own thoughts and fears. Address them, talk with someone about them as others have advised, and understand that YOUR healing, HER healing is going to take time.

I think you have done as well as anyone I have ever seen come to this site. You should be proud, and you should understand that has little to do with you, and alot to do with her.

I will say that there is a good chance that this affair, and the consequences that have come to her, may well have aged her many years ( I mean emotionally) and as such once all of the healing is complete you might find yourself married to a woman whose emotional maturity matches her physical maturity. A good thing in my mind.

God Bless,

JL

MG
I have to chime in here because I am concerned about you right now. Yes you have done an admirable job. As horrific as this is you have stayed the course and proved of sound character. Right now you are running on adrenaline you are in survival mode. Be aware that there can be a period of time where you are going to find your resources depleted. You are a prime candidate for a depressive episode. This is to be expected as you are in the middle of the worst thing a marriage could go through.

You are an intelligent guy. I hope you do not go through the crash but many of us do. Forewarned is fore armed. Do you have local support? Do you have a good friend or a pastor to walk with you? What you may face is similar to what the troops who have come through a war. Post traumatic stress is a reality that I hope you do not have to face.

By now your children will be aware that something is up. Children often intuitively pick up on these events. They may not know exactly what but they know something out of the normal is happening. Their security is being tampered with. If you have not already done so I would suggest exploring support for your children. The most obvious is counseling. But also your continued reassurance and love for them.

I feel your pain. We are involuntary members of an association of Betrayed Spouses. You are not alone. I am praying for you and your family. Take care of yourself.

God Bless you and your family.

MG,

I had one more question I think you might like to ask. It seems to me that having sex with you the same day as RRB is good protection if she becomes pregnant. That way the timing would seem right to you.

Some good points on the likeliehood of filming so early in the realtionship and whether this is her first affair.
Outside of the affair, what is she like? I mean does she display any of he characteristics of a personality disorder? The filming and photos may be signs of NPD.
I knew nothing of these PD's before the infidelity reared its ugly head. But, as the result of researching infidelity, I kept running into information on PD's.
Infidelity is rampant among the disordered. Check out the cluster B disorders to see if she fits. If so, you have more than infidelity on your hands and it will grind you up. Make an informed decision on attempting to reconcile.

I am still trying to process everything from this weekend. Everyone is bringing up a lot of good points about maybe still not having all of the truth. I understand your suspicions about the use of protection and this being the first time something like this has happened. The good thing is that we have confirmed no STD’s and no pregnancy so maybe they did use protection or maybe we are just lucky. I’ll think about the polygraph and maybe talk to her about it later this week. I think we both need a break for a few days. But, it may take the polygraph to finally put my mind at ease that I have the whole story.

I am afraid that the total weight of this reality hasn’t really hit me yet. I was thinking last night that this is kind of like a house fire. When the fire is discovered, you fight like he11 to put it out, but only after the flames die down do you find out if the house is worth saving or if the damage is too great. I feel like I’ve put out the fire, but I just don’t know if I’m up to the task of rebuilding and repairing the damage. I know that if it wasn’t for my kids that it would be tempting to just walk away. Every new revelation just strips away a little more of my resolve to keep fighting. But, I’m going to take the advice of several on here who have said not to make any big decisions for a few months. I am going to do everything that I can to work on me and to work on our marriage. Hopefully in a few months I’ll have a better perspective of what I need to do going forward.

Mg,

Welcome to the wonderful world of infidelity. We all know where you are. And no, don't make any quick decisions.

MG,

In terms of getting all the truth, since you know no STD and no preg, I'm wondering if you should do that. I eventually received a very very complete disclosure and I'm not sure it actually helped or hurt, since our issues largely were around the incredible selfishness and immaturity of xWW.

I was thinking about you last night. So if it turns out that your WW did RRB and then you on the same day with no protection ( yeuch ) what would that mean to you? If you go on to recover then you have to live with it and the images. If it is you final straw, which I doubt you know right now, then it may be good to know.

My xWW did do one very despicable thing that I do think I would never have recovered from but it was not the thing that pushed us immediately to D. I am still angry about it and if she were around I doubt I would even talk to her.

most STD'S would not have shown up yet. Re-test in 6 months.

Med,

I guessing that me a lawyer should not be butting in when you a doctor? have already posted. I thought that 3 months was long enough for almost all of the STD's except HIV to show up. I'm wondering if it would be wise for them both to just take a nice strong cycle of antibiotics.

Aids obviously is a problem.

HPV is also a HUGE issue when it comes to incubation periods.

And, I am not a doctor.

The things that would be impacted by antibiotics are relatively quick to show their ugly face. They most likely have been ruled out.

Viral infections are infinitely more difficult to catch and treat.

6(hope you are well)

I believe HPV can take YEARS to show up for some. It's not a quick study.

I can appreciate that but you will need for the fire to die down a bit. You are going to go through a period of recovery. Look at the grief cycle.

You also need to know what you are dealing with. Some other posters have questioned a personality disorder. Bizarre behaviour is an indicator of a personality disorder. From what you have described I suspect you could be facing a wife that has one.

If this is the case it will profoundly effect how you can move forward.

This is from a site that has been referenced several times from here regarding Borderline personality disorder. Read it and see if there are any characteristics that are familiar to you. I hope and pray it is not. If it is what has been happening to you then your strategy will have to be different than what one would consider normal.




I hope this is not reflective of what you are facing. But you need to be prepared incase it is. Good luck.