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I didn't see any mention of Saudi Arabia. What I did see were red flags indicating that this husband clearly has issues. The poster stated that this man has been controlling his wife for many years. The only thing that is CLEAR s that we don't have enough information to make that judgement.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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I didn't see any mention of Saudi Arabia. What I did see were red flags indicating that this husband clearly has issues. The poster stated that this man has been controlling his wife for many years. The only thing that is CLEAR s that we don't have enough information to make that judgement. I read it and saw red flags because I've seen a lot of this over the years, unfortunately. It doesn't appear the poster is going to come back, though, so it's a moot point, really. It was probably BA who is enjoying the sparring back and forth right now while sitting in front of his monitor thinking up more insidious plans for MB. Charlotte
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I didn't see any mention of Saudi Arabia. What I did see were red flags indicating that this husband clearly has issues. The poster stated that this man has been controlling his wife for many years. What I see are several posters who have "issues" with men, sadly. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I didn't see any mention of Saudi Arabia. What I did see were red flags indicating that this husband clearly has issues. The poster stated that this man has been controlling his wife for many years. What I see are several posters who have "issues" with men, sadly. Issues with men? Who might that be? I have issues with abusers, whether male or female. I just happen to have had a lot of experience with this issue in particular and I have an aunt in a situation like this right now. Almost cookie cutter to what the poster described. As far as men go: I avoid MEN, period, at this point. Not because I am worried about abuse but because men...not ALL men, maybe not even MOST men...but plenty of men just want sex and that's all they think about. That is the ONLY issue I have with men. Charlotte
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I avoid MEN, period, at this point. Not because I am worried about abuse but because men...not ALL men, maybe not even MOST men...but plenty of men just want sex and that's all they think about. That is the ONLY issue I have with men. Charlotte, I'm HIGHLY offended by your mischaracterization of men. (And worse your projecting this on such scant evidence)
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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As far as men go:
I avoid MEN, period, at this point. Not because I am worried about abuse but because men...not ALL men, maybe not even MOST men...but plenty of men just want sex and that's all they think about. That is the ONLY issue I have with men.
Charlotte As I said, "issues" with men....
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hello Everyone! Im a newbie here, but I have so many Q, im hoping to just start here and all of you out there can guide me in some answers so I can help a friend. I have been friends with her for maybe 17 yrs.. her husband too. they have been married for 15 years, I have been with my husband for 18 years. Her marriage is troubled, always has been. I can see the controlling husband, manipulating her, all that comes with that, and shes been so weak she played right into his hands all these years, now shes afraid and wants out. He will NOT be married to someone who just bought a pack of smokes, and if she needs to talk to someone she can talk to his parents or sisters... she isnt allowed to have friends, she has no family or siblings but me... and im not giving up!! nor does she want me to. He does. Imt he strong one  he calls me yelling and screaming the stronger she gets, she was just allowed to get a job, and she LOVES being on the outside world, which has brought her tremendous strength. But yesterday and all week he is saying... I want to be your number 1, and I want you with only me, and all to myself.. and I am jealous of your 1 girlfriend, why do you have to talk to her? why cant you just talk to me more? why do you have to share thoughts or secrets with her? I dont get it!! no matter how she tried to rationalize that it isnt healthy to not have other relationships, his tone gets scary, and violent, and hes getting more scarier as the days go by that he sees her not giving in. How can I help her? and guide her when I truly believe in marriage? I love my husband, we have no trust issues, never have etc... we are 2 grown seperate people. Please guide me with her.... I am fearing for her life lately... Has anyone seen the movie..... sleeping with the enemy??? Harmony, The BEST way you can be a friend to this woman is to be a friend to her MARRIAGE...It MUST come first...Most people take vows that say "forsaking ALL OTHERS"...that is the way it is supposed to be...Why not support the marriage, and in doing so you will likely find that her husband LOVES having you as their friend... Encourage her to be the BEST wife that she can be! Help her learn about meeting her husband's most important emotional needs...Help her take on a new perspective about her husband and marriage...A POSITIVE one... It is NOT abusive for her husband to want to be #1 in her life...And of course he should be hurt and offended if his wife has "secrets" from him...doing so KILLS INTIMACY...Please be her TRUE friend and support her marriage...Whaddaya say? Is there another man in your friend's life by chance? Because I will tell you that the battlecry of a wayward wife is "My husband is so controlling!"...Also, you are posting in the infidelity section of this website...I truly hope that there is not an OM in this situation, but I'll be honest and tell you that I strongly suspect it... I look forward to your reply... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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I avoid MEN, period, at this point. Not because I am worried about abuse but because men...not ALL men, maybe not even MOST men...but plenty of men just want sex and that's all they think about. That is the ONLY issue I have with men. Charlotte, I'm HIGHLY offended by your mischaracterization of men. (And worse your projecting this on such scant evidence) I did not say ALL men were this way. I have plenty of evidence for it from what has happened to me over the last year regarding men. That is ONE reason I still wear my wedding ring--I can only imagine what it would be like if I wasn't wearing it. Charlotte
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As far as men go:
I avoid MEN, period, at this point. Not because I am worried about abuse but because men...not ALL men, maybe not even MOST men...but plenty of men just want sex and that's all they think about. That is the ONLY issue I have with men.
Charlotte As I said, "issues" with men.... Okay. Whatever. I don't have time to argue about it, I have more homework to finish. I only know what I've seen regarding abusive situations and this smacks of it. Hard. Charlotte
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her husband LOVES having you as their friend... I sincerely doubt it, if the man is a control freak. If he is, he is threatened by everyone and everything that take the attention of his "property" away from him. Family, friends, jobs, even children. A friend to such a marriage? Hasn't it been stated here that ALL marriages should not be saved? I would be a friend to my FRIEND in such a case and try to help them get out of an abusive situation if that was indeed the case. Yes, it would be nice if the poster came back to explain this situation a bit further. Charlotte
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Charlotte, I agree that the poster threw this out and now has abandoned the thread, but its a good lesson for us and good to debate about it.
The poster sounds petty with the way she states her friends husband and marriage is, almost like she is jealous and wants people to rally around her so her friend comes to her side.
I understand that right now you sound like your on a vacation from men, try not to gerneralize or be bitter about all men, one thing is that I think we have all learned that men and women don't share what they feel very well so maybe it does come across like thats all their interested in, maybe you haven't been around the right ones, when your feeling sound about yourself and you do meet someone, that can be something you can clarify right up front, explain yourself and how you feel, that would be ok.
Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
H-49
DD and SIL
GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
always working on me
•The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Ghandi
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doingfine, The poster sounds petty with the way she states her friends husband and marriage is, almost like she is jealous and wants people to rally around her so her friend comes to her side. Yeah, perspective is a funny thing, ain't it? I don't get that from the post at all. Because I have seen too much of abusive situations, that's why. I understand that right now you sound like your on a vacation from men, try not to gerneralize or be bitter about all men, one thing is that I think we have all learned that men and women don't share what they feel very well so maybe it does come across like thats all their interested in, maybe you haven't been around the right ones, when your feeling sound about yourself and you do meet someone, that can be something you can clarify right up front, explain yourself and how you feel, that would be ok. Yes, I am on a "vacation" from men. However, I did NOT generalize and put ALL men in the same category. I said "A LOT OF" men, not all. I am NOT BITTER about men. If I was bitter I wouldn't be friends with the ones I am friends with. I would avoid all men like the plague, even the ones I have been friends with for most of my life. I did clarify this with my dance instructor right up front when we met and we've never had a problem with it. I haven't been able to dance much lately, though. I am talking about regular, mundane things, like going to the grocery store, getting gas and going to school. I don't go anywhere else. I don't go to parties or hang out in bars, where you expect this kind of thing. I'm talking about being "hit on" during regular, everyday, benign activities. It's like some men have a radar about this kind of thing, kind of like when a shark senses injured prey in the water. Charlotte
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You obviously have issues with men. I think you should seek help to deal with them.
That being said, yes, there are HUGE red flags here. But, as BK said, we do not have enough information to go on. I suggested that this poster contact a local shelter IF there is physical abuse. If not, she should butt out.
Friends sometimes have a way of painting their friends spouse as an abuser/controlling..etc. They do it not because the abuse is real...but because the spouse doesn't care for the friend. An recent example in my life would be a girl that I was dating was friends with a girl that was being disrespectful to her husband. She was having an affair. I told the person I was dating how I felt about her associating with an adulterer and told her that was not acceptable in my life (and BTW, I had a fellow MB'er contact her husband to inform him of the affair!). Now, the girl paints me as controlling and abusive...why? Because SHE was in the wrong and needs someone else to blame.
I do not trust the words of the original poster as she brought up something as ridiculous as smoking.
The best thing for her to do is to be a friend IF there is physical abuse. There are lots of places for guidance on that. If there isn't PA, she should keep her nose out of their business.
And DM, your characterization of men was ridiculous. Get help.
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I am NOT BITTER about men. If I was bitter I wouldn't be friends with the ones I am friends with. I would avoid all men like the plague, even the ones I have been friends with for most of my life. ok, thats fine, and I wasen't doing that in a accusing truly, I just know there are points and times in my life that I have been bitter and generalized, there are STILL certain things I am trying to shake. I can see where you would see the side of the poster, there are certain things and for sure certain behaviors that turn to abuse. I grew up with a lot of abuse as a kid, in my later years I have learned to talk about it and incidents, all of my life I wanted to control the response's of the listner/s when I would talk about the things that happened to me in my childhood, I didn't want people to be horrified or sad about it, but have learned that I just can't control that, and my friends and kids should know what makes me, me, and its ok if people have sympathy, empathy and are horrified, sometimes I tell a story and can't believe I was there let alone the victim, my point is when I hear things theat "perk" my ears I am all over it to, dang I wrote all this and now can't remember what my real point was, maybe I just wanted you to know that I can sense abuse to and I am not meaning to blow the poster off, but I just don't feel it yet, that is why she needs to come back with the friend or herself and give us more.
Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
H-49
DD and SIL
GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
always working on me
•The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Ghandi
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You obviously have issues with men. I think you should seek help to deal with them.  Yeah, I DO have issues with abusive men. Charlotte
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Hi doingfine,
Well, I was in a defensive mode because I was accused of generalizing, which I clearly did not.
The things in the post that struck me are the very same things I went through personally with an ex-boyfriend. The smoking, too. I had a problem with it and he harassed and harangued me into a quivering mass of jelly. Did it help me quit? Nope. It made me want to smoke more. And it made it a lot harder for me when I wanted to quit later, too. Long after we had broken up.
This guy is the reason I ended up with PTSD. When I read about it here, it was like-Bingo! I haven't had that with WH's cheating, at least not so far. Maybe the ex-bf caused me to be more prepared mentally, I don't know. Could be.
Charlotte
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You obviously have issues with men. I think you should seek help to deal with them. Yeah, I DO have issues with abusive men. Charlotte This quote speaks to problems with men...not just abusive men. Certainly having issue with abusers is understandable..and in fact commendable. I was only going by the words you wrote. As far as men go:
I avoid MEN, period, at this point. Not because I am worried about abuse but because men...not ALL men, maybe not even MOST men...but plenty of men just want sex and that's all they think about. That is the ONLY issue I have with men.
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Oh, its probably just BA again. Isn't he the one who picks a one word name with a number?
If this is a genuine post, we probably do need more info, maybe from the wife. However, the fact that she cannot have any friends, has finally been "allowed" to work, and his tone gets scary and angry are red flags to me.
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I'd be willing to bet it's BA who clearly has no life of his/her own, and loves making posts about "friends" problems to stir MBers into squabbling with each other. Any post started by BA would be best ignored.
If there is indeed a case of abuse going on (doubtful) why wouldn't "Harmony" have enough sense to direct the "friend" to immediate help rather than come to a discussion forum?
BA obviously has such a disdain for marriage, that wasting time that COULD be spent helping marriages of real people, is a source of sick jollies.
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Oh, its probably just BA again. Isn't he the one who picks a one word name with a number?
If this is a genuine post, we probably do need more info, maybe from the wife. However, the fact that she cannot have any friends, has finally been "allowed" to work, and his tone gets scary and angry are red flags to me. well...I wouldn't say it is a fact that she can't have friends...but if it is true, perhaps she has shown herself to be irresponsible with her friendships. Yes, there are red flags...but there are enough red flags about this poster to suspect her motives are "pure."
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