Hi Queenine,

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. I hope that we can talk soon.

Talked with Smartie and got her update. Wow.

Thank you so much why_us. I have to say that I always prayed for a relationship with G-d. Little did I know how it would happen, but I am grateful for it nonetheless. In the long run it will be what saves my life.

Chai, I need you to email me because I got a new computer and don't have it on there, but I want to get you my cell phone number.

Mark,



This is my journey. I have sinned, I have asked G-d for forgiveness and sought him for a new way to live. It's all I can do. An honor him and his patience with me.

Hi Queenie,
Just here to say I love you, woman of God.

I love you too, Lil.....

My Skins lost to the boys.... UGH

I'm hanging in there, but man... it's hard.

Now I know I have GROWN.... Before... I would be screaming, yelling, in a bad mood.

G-d has worked another miracle in me....

Sorry about your Skins Queenie.

Talked to Mimi lately?

Hi Queenie,


...a true test of how far you have come, Queenie.

A true test of how gracious G-d has been working in my life.

Hi PM,

Nice win last night. UGH.....

Thanks PM, but you deserve to gloat. My team totally sucked and it was embarassing.

I need to spill just a bit on here tonight. I had been talking back and forth with my daughter today regarding our family. Once again she talked about the emotional abuse that I suffered at the hands of my H. She is extremely clear that he tried to mold me into something and when I didn't become "that person" he went to find someone who he could control.

Crack ho with hep C, can't work, probably doesn't have a high school degree, twice divorced, mother of 3, 47 with children ages (31, 20 and 21). The 20 year old has 3 children by 19. I'm not thinking this is high society maiden here.

Here are some of the conversations we had today over email before she wrote the last one. "okay mom just as long as you know that. I know and the boys know that you love dad but as the three of us we know that dad isnt right for you. so as your kids we want whats best and makes you happy and dad isnt that person. he might be deep down but when and why he comes out of being retarted we will never know. its time to move and live your life." "we just dont think you need to be in a metally abusive relationship mom". "no i think always i think that dad tried everything to modle you and when you didnt work with him in the way he needed he went and found someone else to control" " yeah we believe that we believe that he is a controling person. i mean look he emails me out of the blue trying to get info from me cause he dosent have control anymore."

Here is her email to me, "So i have been thinking about this. mom even if dad comes home nothing will be the same everything will be different. your not going to be able to trust him and your going to have problems there. your not going to be able to sleep with him cause he might not have his attention on you. you might love him and what not but you know deep down nothing is going to be the same. and the family will always be divided. OS will never forgive him and i'm not thinking its okay for me either. you need to truly think that if dad comes home is that the best option for you and your son. the two of us can handle it. but know that holidays will never be the same. and more than likely it will only be you YS and dad. mom is that what you want a life where you cant trust your husband and have little to no commication with OS or me. i'm not saying i wouldnt talk to you but i wont go and see him and i wont be at events with him. i believe and take it from me When BF cheated i thought i would never get over it. i was always wanting to know where, what who and when. my relationship suffered so much because i couldnt get over me being insucure about my relationship. mom your marriage cant do that. Dad will never be faithful. the difference between BF and dad is that Dad slept with her and hide it for a year then left. BF kissed her then told me the next night and wanted to make it work. i love you and want whats best for you. I will only talk about this once and this is the last time okay mom cause we need to move on. but dad coming is not the answer and will not be good for this family.
love you DD"

I don't how to respond or if I should let her vent. She is mad at WH because after 6 months he finally made contact inquiring about her life. And she is pissed and hurt. She doesn't trust him and thinks he is looking for information.

I feel like I am being torn in part because I want my H to come home, but how can I choose it over my children and yet.... I didn't create this.

I'll pray about it, give it to G-d and see what happens. But some moments I want to take something and slap WH but good.

It's weird. I'm shifting inside somehow. I don't feel the need to fix this. I just feel the need to get it here, and leave it. I trust G-d to work through this. I know he has a plan for me. I know what I hope for, but I've grown....

Queenie, I think she says some important things. You don't have to make the decision about wh coming home. He is the only one who can make that decision. But, how long are you going to live in the limbo in which you now find yourself?

Queenie, I think that your daughter says this because she loves you and wants what is best for you. Another reason is of course that she is hurt and mad at her dad but my impression is that she truly wants to help you.

And I think that she is right. You don't want your WH to come home. You want your husband, your children's father, to come home. You protect yourself from your WH with plan B and you don't let him close unless he fulfils your conditions and shows you real changes. If he chooses to be that kind of man I am sure that he will also choose to be a real father for your children.

If he does not change you have to let go of your hope and it will happen eventually. It is a process inside of you and it will take the time it takes.

Just a few words from me. I am happy that you have children that care about you.

I think Why nailed it. Your children are looking at WH as he is now, not the man that Queenie would allow back into her life. I understand where you're coming from Queenie. My daughter was sooooo angry at my WH and when I let him come home she was fit to be tied. She wanted NOTHING to do with him and couldn't believe that I would subject myself to his crap again. She felt that way because she loves me.

It's obvious that your kids love you too.

Hold out for what you need. A repentent, remorseful and loving husband. If WH can't or won't raise up to the challenge, then you have your answer.

I admire your tenacity for holding out. I don't think I would have made it as long as you have without blowing it. But how long you hold out is your call. You'll know in your heart when it's finally time to cut that tie.

We're here for you, whether you continue to hold fast or whether you decide to finally divorce and be DONE with the unknown.

This is your life Queenie. You get to decide how to live it.

Good morning,

Thank you Cinders, Why, and PM,

It astounds me how perceptive and caring my children are. You see, I always believed that my H was the everyday dad, the more involved with his children than me. Evidently I was wrong. When this first started I couldn't imagine my kids not making it without their dad, but honestly not only have they made it, but emotionally in many ways they have thrived.

WH's behavior was so destructive in so many ways. But because we believed him to be a man of morals, upstanding, devoted to our family we just never thought.... Three months before D-day, but DD and I got into a horrible altercation that eventually left me filing for a restraining order against her. It was surreal I can tell you. I couldn't believe what was happening and didn't understand how things had escalated the way they had. I didn't believe I would ever talk to her again. And my heart was hurting so deeply.

It was two days after D-day when she and I reconciled and started talking. It was after D-day that I started hearing from my children how their dad "played" with them, but that I taught them about life.

I kept fighting what they were saying.

You are all so right. There is NO WAY WH can ever come home. At one time I would have taken him, but not anymore. He is destructive, dangerous and deadly to ME...

How long do I hold on. Not sure.... As I faced last week, I am divorced from him spiritually, emotionally and now continueing the mentally part. I am getting stronger and stronger and it seems that WHY G-d won't let him come home is repeated again and again. He is protecting me. G-d knew I was dying inside because I was trying EVERYTHING to make H happy. Ultimately it didn't work and my DD is right, he found someone he could control more than me. The ironic thing... I would have given him anything and my complete life if he had just given me the chance.

I have the most amazing kids in the world. Actually I'm sure they aren't any more amazing than your own kids. But I'm so blessed and so grateful that I have been able to walk through this with them and become closer to them. I remember when I wanted to DIE and it was my responsibility for THEM that kept me going.

Queenie,

Gosh, you have come so far, and in many ways you are way ahead of me. I admire you.

I agree, your kids don't want the WH back either, but I bet they would welcome the H back. Look at it this way, you got the H (his best years) and she gets the WH (obviously his worst years). Let her keep him. It's a sick, pathetic relationship. I'm looking at it that way too. I had the wonderful, good guy. She gets the liar and cheater. I don't want the liar and cheater. Glad she has him.

You do have the most amazing kids. I had one shot and blew it

No you DIDN'T. My kids are great kids because of G-d. Not because of anything I did or didn't do. It was russian roulette raising children. So don't you please blame yourself for her poor choices. She is an ADDICT. She is SICK. She is a CHILD of G-D. He has a plan for her and nothing you did or didn't do could have stopped this.

All you can do is keep being her role model, walk in faith, pray for her and love her in a way that is G-d like and most of all, dont' you BLAME yourself.

You gave her life. It's her life to live as she chooses, just like it's WH's life to screw up as he chooses.

I pretty much agree with Queenie though I believe G-d gives us the freedom to make choices and some of our choices are good/some bad. When we make those choices, we endure the consequences whether good or bad. So, sometimes, in our selfish/broken ways, we make choices which are not in keeping with His plan and will. However, He is always there for us.

I would agree with this being a better way to say my point.

Thanks Cinders....

Hi Queenie!!

Just wanted to stop by and say hi!!!
I always think of you and pray for you!!

((((HUGS)))

A.

Angie,

How are you? I lost your email address. Do you still have mine? Drop me a line if you want.

I'm doing ok. Everyday I continue to heal and learn about myself. I learn how to accept the blessings, be grateful for what I have and appreciate G-ds protection over me.

It's been 18 months since D-day, 8 months since PBL and not one word has exchanged between us. WH is started to reach out to his kids, but as for me NOTHING.

I love the man who used to be my H, I have grown where I don't want WH home anymore, but I hold hope that G-d can reach my husband, the father of my children and bring him home one day.

I've reached places of content and acceptance that I couldn't possibly have imagined. I have built a relationship with G-d that is the most important entity in my life and I am able to imagine that one day I will be healed and whole and the woman that G-d waited patiently to develop. How awesome is that.!!!!

Thanks for stopping by.... I miss you girl...

Queenie;
I thought you had changed jobs because I sent you an e-mail about two months ago, maybe you overlooked it. Anyway, I will shoot you an e-mail tomorrow cuz I have your e-mail address at work.





I feel exactly the same way. It took me a lot but I finally could let go and let God. It was hard.....but I agree with you that this feeling is weird.
This does 't mean that I quit on my H. On the contrary I think I am praying and fasting for my M more than ever. This just means that I've come to understand that this is my valley and I have to go through it, there is no short cuts, no begging or pleading God to end it. I absolutely HAVE to go through it period.
In the end this is going to work better for me, because like you said, God has a plan for us....we just have to be patient and wait on him.

((((Queenie)))

Check your e-mail tomorrow.

A.