Just got my mid day phone call from WW. WW says "just wanted to call and let you know I was thinking about you, and I love you", "what are you doing?", "Hope you are haveing a good day blah, blah, blah". Also when I went to lunch there was a note in my lunch box. It said "I love you". I am not going to listen to this hogwas at this point. Just going to document, document, document. I know everyone has told me she is just gaslighting, but she does a good job of making things seem to be OK, like they were before both the OM.

Tell her to stop it. Tell her ther is no way she means it if she is caring on a phone/text affair with other men. I would also ask why she does it? Is she getting a good laugh when she does it...probably.

This is not logical.

YOU are not destroying their Christmas.

Their MOTHER is stomping the bull-hockey out of Santa Claus and tinkling on the manger.

You haven't done ANYTHING.

Really.

And anything you did decide to do would only be a RE-action to her already said-and-done actions.

Remember that.

You must go about this logically because active waywards will twist logic to suit them.

Hogfan,

It seems your W really knows how to play you and keep you under control. I have a suggestion for you if you want out of the situation. Since she is continuing to have her Girls nights I would suggest that you ask her to call you before she heads home, so you know that she is safe, and then call the cops and tell them you suspect she is driving drunk again and where she is.

I am pretty sure another DWI will give you alot more options.

excellent idea.

I would tell her to NEVER utter the words "I love you" again until she admits her affairs, leaves her job and commits to AA, therapy and a submits to a polygraph. Then STOP taking her calls.

I do not respond to her little notes, but my business phone does not have caller ID. I will be away from the house on Friday night and that is the night that she likes to play. I will have the PI that I have been using watching my house. I will start documenting everything that is happening on a daily basis. any thoughts on the way that I figured out how to get her text messages and move them to my phone.

The problem with calling hte cops is she will not be driving. Her liscensed were suspended for 120 days. She can only drive to work and back, or that is the way it is supposed to work. She has already broken that a couple of times.

She'll break it again.

Trust.

She got a slap the first time. She thinks she's above it.

And if she is with someone who has been drinking, or if they find her intoxicated in public, it would be BAD.

In a good way for you.

HF - I have just read your entire thread. It is clear to me that you are being emotionally abused and betrayed on many levels.

[By way of analogy, your story reminded me of an employee of mine. I had been asking her repeatedly to make changes and nothing was happening.

I sat down and wrote out a list of the things I had talked to her about that she was still doing. Most them had been discussed over five times. I was planning on having yet another discussion with her. As I was writing out the 20th item, it dawned on me that she had no intention on doing what I was asking. I called her in and fired her.

I had thought that she was indispensable to the business but she wasn't.]

Sometimes people get bogged down with having to have overwhelming evidence in order to act. You are still trying to build your case to prove to yourself that you are justified in taking drastic action.

You already have more than enough evidence to send her packing, you just don't realize it. The other people reading this thread see it but you don't see it as clearly because you're too close to it.

I can't tell you what action to take, because I don't really have the training or experience to do so. But I can tell you that you have more than enough evidence to justify whatever action you take, whether it's Plan A, B or D. So take courage, be bold and act now!

Best of luck to you.

I'm pretty sure your PI can get her caught driving while her license is suspended. I would bet she will also be drinking, from your description.

Be very sure this is what you want because I would guess that a second DUI on a suspended license will mean actual jail time for you WW.

BladeRunner,

If he decides that Plan D is right then he should definitely go after more DUI arrests. If WW is in jail that will work well for his custody battle.

I would suggest that jail is very therapeutic for all drunk drivers. I suspect his wife probably has a drinking problem and calling the police on her would be the kindest thing he could do for her. If she is allowed to continue unimpeded, she may end up killing her kids, herself, or another driver. Going to jail is a huge wake up call that can make a big difference in one's life.

I know many alcoholics whose lives were saved [along with their potential victims] because someone cared enough to have them tossed in jail for drunk driving. It would be an act of kindness to have her thrown in jail if she goes drunk driving again.

I have heard many a recovering alcoholic extol the powerful, life changing virtue of waking up in JAIL, to their HORROR, with puke and blood all over them, reeking of booze.

They report this experience was highly therapeutic and influenced their decision to change their liquid beverage to something less intoxicating, such as milk or juice.

HogFan,

I was a single father for 7 years. Not only did I get cutstody of my two girls I got custody of my ex wifes son from another marriage. (My Step-son)

I haven't read your whole thread. But...what is it you want to do? Try and salvage your marriage or get a divorce and try and get custody?

When I went through my divorce my lawyer told me that when you file for divorce, the person who initially gets temporary custody during the divorce... usually ends up being the primary custodial parent after the divorce. Not always...but most of the time. The parent with temporary custody has to "$crew up" in order to not get primary custody.

The Non-custodial parent has to prove in some way that it would not be in the best interest of the children to stay with the custodial parent. The longer the custodial parent has them under a temporary order and takes good care of them the harder it is for the non-custodial parent to prove their point.

And from the little bit of your thread that I've read... It seems that time would definately be on your side and against your wife. She seems like the kind of person who couldn't go six months without getting in some kind of trouble.



What state are you in?

Amazin - I live in Arkansas. It is backwards here and you need all the evidence that you can get.

Started extensive documentation yesterday evening, and into this morning. This is a small example of the sequence of events.
I Got home form work fed dog and picked up house - 4:30
I Started supper - 5:00
W gets home gives me a kiss - 5:10
W goes to bathroom starts texting - 5:12
W folds a load of clothes that was in dryer - 5:22
W takes dog outside and texts - 5:35
W comes in goes to bathroom to text - 5:45
I start getting kids fed - 5:55
I Brought in some fire wood for the night - 6:00 - 6:20
W put clothes away - 6:22
I sat down to eat supper - 6:35
I ate supper cleaned kitchen, got made sure kids were getting a bath while wife putting away clothes - 6:50
w in bathroom texting - 6:57
I worked with youngest daughter on spelling words for the week - 7:15 - 7:26 while wife watched tv
I Worked with oldest daughter on math - 7:30 - 7:55 while wife watched tv
I took dog outside 8:00
I Started playing with kids - 8:10
I got kids to bed - 9:07
W - layed down with youngest daughter until 10:00
W- cam to bed and 10:00 wanting to have sex

Today
I got kids up - 5:50
I got kids fed and dressed for school - 6:10
W - fixed youngest daughters hair
I - left for work 6:15

That is kind of how everyday goes. W left another note in my lunch box this morning. I contacted my PI last night and he will be watching the house on Friday because I will not be in town. Would be a prime opportunity for her to mess up. Any thoughts?

Well I have contacted PI. I will be out of town tonight and he will be watching her from the moment she gets off work. Could be a very interesting evening. W likes to play on Firday's, and as the old saying goes "when the cat is away the mice will play"
This is yesterday's events.
I got home at 4:30 and picked up house.
W got home at 5:12 started supper and put clothes in washer
I went and got groceries at 5:50
I got home from grocery store at 7:30
I put away groceries and cleaned the kitchen while W watched TV
At 8:20 I folded the clothes while W watched TV
At 9:00 I told the kids to start getting ready for bed while W watched TV
At 9:07 I made sure kids were getting ready for bed
9:17 W layed down with youngest daughter I told the kids good night and went to bed

This morning:
Got up at 5:30 and started getting ready for work. Noticed W was sleeping in youngest daughters bed
W got in the shower with me this morning(what was that????)
5:50 I got the kids up and made sure they were getting ready for school
6:00 I made the kids breakfast
6:15 I headed to work
W came out of the bathroom at 6:15 to help youngest daughter fix her hair

Another typical day and start to another day except for W getting in the shower with me. What was that for??? I am sure that when I was at the grocery store that they were firing away text messages. I noticed last night that my W is not wearing the rings that I bought for her. She normally wears a ring on every finger. All she was wearing was her wedding ring and 10 year anniversayr ring. I asked her why and she said that she had lost so much weight that the rings were loose on her fingers. I also noticed that she was wearing a braclet that I did not give her. I asked where she got it and W told me that one of her bosses brought one back for her and the other girl she works with while he was on his vacation to Mexico. YEAH RIGHT!!! Anyway the PI will be giving me hourly updates starting at 5:00PM today. Any thoughts?

WW took off as much of your jewelry as she thought she could get away with. Making the OM happy.

Also, men don't give jewelry to women just because their nice, or just friendly, or just generous. It's just they want to get into her pants.

Glad your observant.

I am documenting, documenting, everything. that is how I noticed the jewelry. geting as much evidence as I can. Tonight should be very interesting. it would not surprise me if there is drinking at toxic friends house or OM show up at toxic friends house. I will know what and when if anything happens and I will only be 40 minutes away. I have a gut feeling thta somehting is going to happen, just like I had a gut feeling that something was going on with OM2.

The road - I am sure that if she has not let any of the OM in her pants that she is well on her way.

Oh! I forgot to mention this earlier. I noticed a piece of paper that she had in her purse last night. It was for a concert that is going to be outside in a town an hour away form here. She has not mentioned this concert to me, but I am sure she is making big plans with someone to go. When she does spring this on me that she is going with someon else the PI has been informed and will be there as well.

It was to keep you using the wrong head to make your decisions.

She is trying to keep you on the hook as long as possible before she has to actually decide between you and OM. She is taking one of those extended test drives some car dealers let you make. They let you take the car home, drive it for two or three days and hope that you will decide to buy it.

She is test driving OM. She isn't really sure she wants him partly because she knows he will be a bad deal in the long run, but she is weighing her options.

You on the other hand, she needs to keep dangling the bait in front of so that you will remain interested enough that she can end her affair and recover with you if she decides it won't work out with OM.

She is sitting squaring in the middle of the fence...

That is why you need to do something to get her off the center. If her affair is typical and nothing breaks it up before then, it could last a couple of years yet. Then it will self-destruct and she will be ready to return to you, assuming she has been able to keep you interested and you haven’t moved on by then. Her hope is that limbo will be good enough for you until she decides between you and OM.

So YOU need to make you a better choice than OM beginning right now. Show her, not by words or discussion but by your actions that you are willing to meet ALL of her ENs so that she is lacking nothing by staying with you. At the same time, identify Love Busters you might be committing without even realizing they are such and get rid of them. If you do these two things only, you MIGHT stand a chance.

But if you combine these things with putting pressure on the affair itself, realizing that your WW is NOT the enemy and OM is not really the enemy either. The AFFAIR is the enemy. What you do has to attack the affair itself.

So you expose the affair to anyone who might be able to cause tension, discord, disharmony or friction in the affair. This includes friends that might influence either one of them, family that might tell either of them they are acting like fools, OM's wife/GF/siblings...other family, can especially be helpful unless they are already aware of the affair and are enabling and/or encouraging it.

You need to have a specific plan to meet her ENs and avoid LBs and that begins with identifying both.

So what ARE your WW's top three ENs? What can you do to meet these ENs? What Love Busters do you commit and what can you do to avoid them?

Mark

My WW top 3 ENs are
1. domestic support
2. admiration
3. recreational companionship

I have been busting my tail for over a year now metting those. Even before OM1. After confronting her with OM1 I was asked to please forgive me. I made a teribble mistake, I will never do it again, blah, blah, blah. As far as deposits into her love bank, I make ten times as many of those as she will ever do, and quit frankly I am tired of it. Why should I do all of the work, while she gets to set around, doing nothing, lying, cheating, and acting she can do whatever she wants to whenever she wants to without any affects on the family?