MG,

It looks like the jury is still out on HPV, which depending on where you read is actually 50 to 100 different viruses, some of which can cause cervix cancer.

There is apparently some evidence of HPV causing Penile, Anal and Throat cancers in Men, but it sounds like the incidence is low and they haven't had much time to gather statistics.

The CDC, center for disease control website it s good one, but keep looking around. Please do your research on this one.

NJ

Thanks, MEDC. What you say here is very true. Take it from one who was "blessed" with HPV from my FWW's "mistake".

HPV and HSV takes anywhere from 3 mos. to 2 years to to manifest itself, if it even does. Most people who are walking around with this virus, are completely unaware that the even have it. My specialist estimated that 80% of those who have more than one
partner, probably have one or both of these virus's and are completly unaware of it. It is why these virus's are spread so quickly to unsuspecting people. They never knew that had it!

Unfortunately, there is no blood test or smear that can test for them unless, and until, there is an outbreak. But of course, by then it's too late and the tests only confirm the presence of what you already suspected.

HIV OTOH, should be tested for initially after realizing there may have been contact, and then again, 6 months later as a follow up.

Thanks for bringing up the uspeakable.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Good info on the personality disordered. Infidelity is rampant among them.
You need to look this, although the infidelity alone is not enough for a diagnosis. There is lots of info out there on the criteria for BPD and NPD.
I dealt with this type of wife and the infidelity is the tip of the iceberg.
Check out all the cluster B disorders and see if she fits. If so, you need to run.

What is an outbreak (symptoms)?

I have really been struggling with this whole situation over the last few days. I finally decided that the only way that I could move on and try to put this behind us was if I knew I had the whole truth. So, I scheduled an appt with a polygraph examiner for Saturday morning. I told her yesterday morning and she completely lost it.

After she calmed down a bit, I told her that she couldn’t really expect me to just believe everything she has said in the past couple of weeks after she has lied to me repeatedly for several months. I also reminded her of something that Dr Phil says that “those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.” I reminded her that she had only opened up to me when she was forced into a corner. I also told her that trust was something that had to be earned and that while I wanted to trust her, that it was going to take some time and a lot of effort on her part to show me total openness and honesty before I could fully trust her again.

She finally agreed to the test and we are driving to the testing office on Saturday morning. I have already spoken at length with the test administrator and we have come up with a list of questions for the exam. I am hoping that this may at least allow me to move forward knowing that there are no other skeletons left to fall out of the closet. I hope this is the right thing to do, but I really need some concrete answers at this point to commit to the hard work of recovery.

This is also poor timing, but I have a trip scheduled for next week. I always fly to Myrtle Beach, SC with 3 old friends on the week of Thanksgiving to do something that most club pros don’t have much time for and that’s to actually play more than one round of golf in a weeks time. I am scheduled to fly out Sunday morning and return home on the following Saturday. I know that this isn’t a great time to leave home, so I have already bought tickets for my wife and kids so that they can go with me. I have worked out all of the details and told my friends about the change in plans and why. I guess I could just cancel, but I really need to do something for me at this point. But, by taking the family with me, I will have time in the evenings to do things with them while still having a little time for myself.

Finally, I after the STD discussion on here yesterday, I am thinking that regardless of the results form her STD tests that if and when we resume SF protection would be in order for a while.

MG:

I've read this whole thread, and am impressed with the way you've handled this sitch so far.

But I wonder at the utility of a polygraph in this case at this time. I guess I have a hard time imagining the questions that would shed more light on what's happened, versus what you already know (and you've got far more "intelligence" than most BSs get by this time).

It would seem that your knowledge of what's happened, compared 2 her disclosures, should provide you with the best measure of her willingness 2 be open and honest with you. And maybe the most important thing would be for her 2 participate with you in some truly good, pointed coaching.

...like with the Harleys, for instance.

-ol' 2long

When my d-day was still recent, my mind was a mess.

Although you seem exceptionally calm for a new BS, you should give a TON of thought to the questions you are going to have asked during the polygraph exam. You will probably only get one shot at this, and you don't want to end up kicking yourself for the one question you forgot about.

If it was me, I'd probably start a thread asking the vets here for question suggestions.

Been reading since the beginning, and I see value in a polygraph for you.

I know one question I would make sure to ask is "Is this the only time you have cheated during our marriage". Meaning, were there other OM.

IMHO, knowing whether or not she has been cheating throughout your marriage weighs heavily in your recovery success.

Good luck, MG71.
Jo

I agree with the others; this may help you regain trust for her. At the very worst it would bring the whole truth out so you CAN move on. I am one that needed the whole truth no matter what.

What happens more often than not, is the WS "confesses" much before the test if she/he is hiding something. I have been told it is a last gasp effort to evade the test so bigger things don't come out. Their reasoning is that since I have "confessed" there is no reason to go through with the test. Another possible explanation is that they would rather confess voluntarily than fail a polygraph. Either way, if she is hiding something, you might be hearing some confessions between now and Saturday.

I agree that asking the 2uestion "is this the only time you have cheated during our marriage?" is a good idea, if you're going 2 do the polygraph.

But Mrs MG will earn MG's trust only by being trustworthy and giving him the time he needs 2 believe her. And if he learns anything, it will be that it's not healthy 2 trust anybody blindly. A lesson all BSs learn.

In summary, though the polygraph questions can be useful, I think it's important 2 know that, in this case, they're only likely 2 measure his W's willingness 2 be open and honest with him. And it appears that he knows enough already 2 be able 2 do that without the polygraph.

-ol' 2long

Very much agree!

Yea, pick your questions carefully and definately follow thru. I think they have to be yes or no questions, so you will need time to prepare them to be answered in a yes or no format. Something like, "Is RRB the only man you cheated with since we got married?"

I am also one that needs every detail. The images my mind conjured up were more horrifying than the truth.

I agree with Mel. If you start hearing more confessions prior to the test and then she says that NOW you know it all so there is no need for the test...have her take the test.

I'd also make sure that your wording is accurate so there is no sliding around anything. Define "cheating" so it is crystal clear. And do so with everything else.

Yes, remember the infamous quote, "I did NOT have SEX with that woman."

EXACTLY.

If she still holds on to lies until she actually takes the test, walk away from her and NEVER look back. That would be a woman that cannot be trusted...ever.

I think you are doing the right thing by having her take a polygraph test. I too agree that it wouldn't be surprising to see her cough up details that she hasn't been forthcoming with to try and satisfy you into not making her take the test.

I have a couple of questions and then a couple of suggestions for you to think about.

1. What is she doing during the day? Has she looked for other work or is she going to? I know that in the very beginning she showed symptoms of depression and just wondered what she is doing to keep busy during this time. Also, does she have female friends that she keeps in contact with that would be supportive without making this mess be okay.

2. Are your parents and her parents being supportive of the marriage? Sometimes it is hard not to harbor hard feelings toward the WS. Also, do you have couple friends that would be supportive of both of you that you could spend quality time with?


Now, have you thought about what you will do if/when you find out information that you DID NOT know? How much are you willing to TAKE before you decide that you CANNOT go any further? I suggest that before the test you say to her....if I find out certain things during the test that you are not willing to share beforehand, this will be the consequence and then BE WILLING AND READY to enforce those consequences if that happens. I can't imagine how scared you are for the actual results. Will you know the results BEFORE you leave to go on the trip? Please think about that and know what you will do in case things don't GO THE WAY you hope they do.

Good Luck and keep us posted. I pray that you get answers that will allow you to move forward in your marriage and begin the long journey to recovery. God Bless you and your family!!!

These Lie detector firms are popping up all over the place lately. Make sure this is a experienced one!!! They all say they are but getting a ex-FBI or Police one is very important and look at their credentials!!! The reason I say this is this person now controls the fate of your marriage. If they ask a question incorrectly your marriage is over!!!

Have you ever cheated before? Well does that mean sex or flirting at the water fountain one time??? I would ask other than the college kid have you ever had sex with anyone else during our marriage? Just make sure this person knows what they are doing...this is a unregulated industry.

Having said that I would hire one in a second for most situations just understand you want to make sure that right questions are asked and are asked in the correct way!!

Not in Texas. They are required to be licensed in and are regulated by the State of Texas.

Texas Polygraph Examiners Board

How did things go MG. I'm hoping well.

I hope no news = good news.

I ((((hope))) she passed the poly with flying colors.

just bumping the thread...