James, I think it's natural for just about EVERYONE to take things for granted.

The real treat for G-d is those of us who learn from the mistakes instead of repeating them and live in G-d's will.

As KickMe says, this "sitch" has brought him to G-d like it has me. We can't deny that in many ways we are better people because of this. We had the choice to turn away from G-d and be bitter, we chose to seek him, learn, change and grow.

We are blessings to G-d and these "moments - short and not enough as they are are the blessings of your FAITH and TRUST in G-d.

Hi James,




...and I think you bringing up the issue again recently made it a convenient option for your WW to consider it....

I am glad for you, James.

I suppose so Luna.. and I'm happy to be the convenient option for taking care of DS, however I think it's probably got more to do with her wanting to be able to tell the judge..

'Look!.. I'm giving him extra time!'

But in reality, she's never once given me any extra time I've asked for.. only when it's convenient for her.

*sigh*

Been putting things together for court.. have my witnesses all lined up.. I think I'm about ready, but the nerves are starting to get to me.

Been walking around with a constant headache down at the base of the skull.. I'm sure it's stress related..

Maybe when all this is over I'll find some cute young thing to give me a nice long massage.

*sigh*

Make sure this gets said. Describe the excitement of DS when he found out he was going to be able to stay with you....and what you felt getting that time with him.


Boy, do I remember this.

But, remember.......

Make that list of what you are fighting FOR....

You don't need to prove yourself to WW.....you need to prove yourself to the judge.

You CAN win this, James. We are with you.


Why wait?

I'm sure DS (cute young thing) could give a mean facial massage. You may have a little stretched skin after he is done making your face into all different kinds of expressions but his giggles would be worth it.



Fox

Thanks Foxy... I -needed- that today.

And yeah.. DS gives some amazing facial workovers... may have to make sure I get one from him tomorrow night just so..


What I'm fighting for.. it could be a very long list if I detailed it.

But what it all really boils down to is... I'm fighting for DS' future.

He'll either have one with a parent who is involved and active in every aspect of his life.. or the alternative..

He'll either learn strong values from someone who lives them... or he'll learn to pay lip service to those values, and live outside of them..

He'll have a strong sense of family, and KNOW what that's supposed to mean... or he'll view even the most intimate relationships of his life as disposable...

He'll be a man of his word.. a man with self respect, honor, and dignity.. or he'll learn that no promise can be made that can't be broken.


*sigh*


But on the other hand... as long as his mommy is happy.. he'll be ok.

:twobyfour:

James, he'll have all of these things however it goes as long as there is breath in your body.

This may be true PM.. but in light of some new information I received last night on a chance encounter.. Confirming and clarifying a lot of the mystery surrounding the lies and omissions WW and WW's little sister tell about her life between hubby #1 and me.. and some insight into the stupidity going on up until about 2 months ago.. as well as plans for a wedding and more confirmation about a baby in the future..

Well..

Suffice it to say, until the D is final there will be no more details or descriptions of my plans given on this site..

Amigo chatter and support are certainly welcome.. suggestions too as PlanD day approaches.. but don't expect a whole lot from me.

Last night with DS was pretty good.. We had a pretty good time together, and made some plans for this weekend.. our first of two in a row as Thanksgiving is my holiday this year.

We'll see how things work out... in my spare time at home, I'm in full preparation mode for the mediation and the final. I think I'm in pretty good shape.. stressed to the gills.. but it's the final push.. so just gotta keep pushing.

One day you may just be counting your blessings that you are free from her. YOU don't need a life like this.

She needs help and it isn't the kind of help that you can give her.

Stay steady, James. And rememer to breathe.


Well, good. 'cause you know we just won't be able to leave you alone.





Yep, keep on it. But know that no matter how it turns out you will be okay. It may not work out PERFECTLY according to your plan, but you are a strong and intelligent man. Your kiddos are blessed to have you.

Fox

I know you're right Foxy..

I hate to say it.. but in truth, in many ways..

I'm arriving there much faster than I intended to.

I honestly just wish things could be different.. but reluctantly I must admit she's right.. this -is- who she is.

I've turned a blind, albiet deceived eye to a lot of things over the years.. I'm one of those guys who doesn't get the girl because I'm 'too nice'.. and 'too nice' over the long term turns a fella into a doormat.



Someone got me wrong.

So yeah.. I've spent about a year kinda like.. :MrEEk: :crosseyedcrazy:


And now... wow, having read through all the posts here again.. (a VERY time consuming process as long as this thread is..).. after last night... after several months of peace with the occasional interruption of WW's madness.. serving only to remind me why I'm better off not talking to her.. I feel pretty much...



With the occasional urge to..



but mostly...

HEY!!!! Don't be trying to take my emoticon title!!!


That's bullpucky.

You may not get a CERTAIN KIND of girl if you are "too nice." But who wants one of them anyway?

You have to make sure the girl DESERVES you and will not take advantage of the niceness. There are many women out there that are "too nice", too.

It's a matter of the matchup.

Although, if "too nice" means you sacrifice too much, you may want to look at that. Find a balance where your giver AND taker are satisfied.

Keep on, SBSofaBP.

Fox

I wouldn't -dream- of taking your title Foxy..

As for the rest of your post.. yeah.. I think I am willing at times to sacrifice too much out of love for someone else.. I think that's pretty clear from the first 50 pages or so of my thread..

Looking back.. had I listened more to Weaver, Jim, MEDC, and Mr.W... life today might be much much different.. DS certainly would be better off than he is.. and that's part of a mistake I have to accept, deal with, and learn from.. Probably ought to apologize to those guys as well for the level of frustration dealing with me must have raised.. Guys.. you were right.. 110%

Looking back.. I've grown/changed a lot in the last 15 months.. My recent interactions with WW show that pretty clearly as well.

Honestly.. I just want someone who is there for me emotionally.. someone who will be truthful with me regardless of the consequences.. and someone who will be loyal.. not just to me.. but to herself..

Doesn't sound like much.. or a long list.. but that's some pretty rare air right there.

Then again.. I have two wonderful kids and a very affectionate 2 year old Labradoodle..



No rush on that end though.. it's a fantasy at this point.. need to stay focused on the task at hand.

Well.....







Don't play the "what if" game too much, James. There are no guarantees that it would be BETTER.

It might have just been different.

You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. That's all a man can ask of himself. You can only handle so much emotionally during that time.

Use what you know NOW and move forward.

Fox

James,

One thing that frustrated me was that you thought you could change her, when it seemed pretty obvious that this was the way she always was. It wasn't a brief lapse in what was otherwise a woman with a good character, like in some of the longterm marriages here. But then again, you have to earn your way out of the marriage by trying to save it, by looking at yourself, by trying to make it better, etc.

I stopped reading for so long because I couldn't stand reading what your stbx was up to with those kids. It made me sick. That was what was so frustrating, at least to me. Plus I was scared of giving some bad advice.

Where I find where the nice people screw up is in thinking that other people are always going to end up doing the right thing. I constantly expected my ex to do the right thing, and guess what he never did because he wasn't a nice person. And totally lacked any ability to see the bigger picture, or even that there was a bigger picture and especially that he partly controlled this bigger picture.

In choosing my current (and last) husband, I did not let him choose me after some random accidental meeting where he saw me and got the hots for me. I chose him, and looked at his past, his R with his daughter, with his family, with his employees. I spent a lot of time with him, and so on and so forth. And then decided to marry him because he had what it takes. I didn't go out and fall in love with someone whom I met at some party who took my breath away with his style, or looks or breathtaking kiss.

Does that make any sense? I didn't want to fail again and I didn't want my DD to ever be hurt again by some [censored] I thought I was in love with.

You will do the same because I think you want the best for your self now. It took me awhile to figure this all out so I messed up a lot for a lot of years, but you are still pretty young. That's lucky for you, really.

Great post Weaves.

James, we all should have, could have, would have...but guess what...it doesn't matter. Learn from your mistakes. Keep the damage from them to a minimum and move forward as the best dad and future husband you can be. Choose a woman of character next time and not some project you need to fix.

You will be fine.

Hi James,


I am with Fox on this one...as nothing can be done about the past...keep using your time to plan for today and preparing for tomorrow.

...keep asking yourself: what purpose will this serve? ...it will help you keep on track...

We're all here with you, and those that have gone through the process will surely be making suggestions on the means of bettering coping with this ordeal.... and keeping the stress 'manageable'.

JAMES

Hey James,

Sneakin in to join the masses in telling you to work with what you've got now, What's done is done. You turned a blind eye and ignored some pretty big red flags regarding the quality of the person you married; so did many of us BS's here. It happens. The best thing you can do is learn from this and apply what you've learned to your next relationship and become more discerning.

I agree with the path Weaves talks about, in choosing her mate, in really delving into the qualities of that person, how they have been and are with their family, friends and especially children.

Don't beat yourself up with the choices you've made in the past, for it serves no purposes but to hold you back and down. Own your mistakes and move on, a better man for having tried like h3ll to keep your family together, and for learning what NOT to do and WHO not to do it with...

When it's all said and done, you can't really say that your marriage was a total mistake.

DS is most definitely one of the things that went right.



James

James,

You have won the hearts and guidance of so many people on here because of your caring, loving, unconditional heart. Where the journey ends we really still don't know, the chips are down, the heart is hurting at a deeper level and its dark.

But G-d is G-d and he has plans for you. You will survive like I am because you are a man of G-d. You seek him for guidance, you learn from your mistakes, you accept your responsibilty and you move forward to better yourself.

What's in your future, only the man upstairs knows, but I bet everyone on here is pretty confident, it's a BLESSING beyond your wildest dreams or imaginations...

Bumped for James.

How are you doing?

Thanks everyone.. I'm really not beating myself up about a lot of it.. I know that won't change/solve anything.

Spent the weekend with DS and DD.. so that went a long way towards de-stressing about the upcoming ordeal.

I'm pretty much all together with the preparations.. just going in tonight to make copies of stuff I'll need to pass on to my A.

Pretty extensively indexed my journal.. I found it pretty amazing just how clearly it demonstrates DS's desire to be with me.

Sad though that she somehow can't see how beneficial it'd be for him if I could spend more time with him.. I really don't understand that mentality.

We'll see though.. lil duckies all lined up.

Stressed but coping.