Why have you keep the truth from your W that your parents know? Do your parents know she doesn't know they know? It is a bit much that your mother would expect much from W and she only has 3 days to process it. My FWH was dreading facing my family but he was willing. Unfortunately you are now springing this on WW at the last minute. I think you should talk to your mother and tell her that if you and W are going to attend then she needs to leave it alone for now. Tell your wife after the holiday is over and let the elephant sit on the couch another week. If your mom gets ticked...too bad. Explain to her that your wife comes first whether she likes it or not and you don't want to throw her into a lion's den...that will not help recover your marriage at all.

Your mom doesn't have to be all gaga over your W during the visit but tell her you expect her to be civil without any underhanded comments aimed at WW. If mother can't do it, then don't go. Once the holiday is over, TELL YOUR WIFE YOUR PARENTS KNOW. Maybe you can revisit the reconciliation of your parents and W before Christmas...but it's too late for Thanksgiving.

Your marriage is in a fragile place.

I think it is YOUR role to protect it -- even from your mother.
Frankly, your mothers needs or wants do not matter. You need to do a better job of standing up for your wife and marriage.

I would tell your Mom that this topic is off limits on Thanksgiving day. I would tell Mom that handling the extended family situation will be discussed in marriage counselling and whatever strategy or decisions that come from that will be jointly agreed to.

Mom doesn't get to dictate or judge how remorseful FWW is.

TC, you need to tell your wife right away about this and explain to her that your mother is very upset at the way she treated you. You can't force her to apologize to your mother, you can only suggest it and hope she does the right thing.

If I were in your shoes, I would not be willing to forgo my family holiday celebrations just because my spouse is a coward.

My H told me he did not want to face my family after his affair. I explained that I WAS NOT WILLING TO GIVE UP ONE MORE GD THING BECAUSE OF HIS THOUGHTLESS SHENANIGANS AND HE COULD EITHER ACT LIKE A MAN AND FACE MY PARENTS or sit home alone and be a coward. I was not willing to be FURTHER punished for my husband's crime and was not willing to forfeit my family because of his cowardice.

Fortunately, he faced it like a man instead of a weasel and apologized to my family for mistreating me. He now has very close relationships with my mother and sister. They greatly respect him for doing that.

I would suggest you tell your W right away. And your mother does not get to decide how your W acts. That is entirely up to your wife.

Geeez -- especially since you are springing this on FWW at the last minute.

Let your Mom know that you are guilty of not preparing her, and that you will be doing so tonight...but that until you and FWW have had some time to process and work through this -- the topic is off limits.

Tell me,

What do YOU see as the best possible (and realistic) result of this meeting?

More than likely- sounds like a set up for WWIII. I feel sorry that you are here on MB- but really, you are in the best place to find help.

You and your wife need to do some communication before you address this with your family. The last thing you need to do is a bunch more LB's at this time (you know about them, don't you?)

good luck :MrEEk:

How about you stop avoiding conflict as well.

Your mom may be right, but it doesn't give her the right to intrude in your marriage by making her own selfish demands.

Stand up and tell mom, my wife and my marriage come first and that you expect her to respect that!

Do not allow others to poison your recovery.

But don't make excuses either, be honest. Let them know if your wife isn't ready to be around them yet.

Way to say, Lexi

I also agree with MelodyLane.
It is not a MB principle to protect the WS from the consequences of their A's. But it is your priority to protect your M from LB's.

I think you have to be the "stand up guy" here and insist that your family does not pile on WS (if you attend the holidady). Hopefully she will see that you are determined to do what is right to help the M. Insted of what may feel good/revengful at the time.

If she is not totally selfish/fogged see will see this.

Have you given any info on the marriage? How long have you been married? What about past A's? Any children? That information will be helpful to the people on this DB.

guilty as charged. That is another reason our marriage is in the state it's in.

Glad to know I'm not the only one who gave this speech.


Mine did the same Mel. If he hadn't I don't think I would have ever looked at him the same again or had much hope of recovery...own your own [censored].

Totallyconfused,

I am going to start this post off by ripping you a new one.

Under what model is it correct to be dishonest with your W?

Under what model is it correct to ambush your W?

Under what model is it correct to throw your W under the bus that is your Vengeful mother?

I can go on, but I will stop with these questions. You have FAILED your W big time. I know she is the WS, but YOU have decied to recover this marriage and apparently she has agreed to do so as well. IF this is the case YOU are supposed to support and protect your W as you would expect her to do with you. You have failed.

Your mother has an agenda. It is normal. She wants to protect her child. She feels you incapable of protecting yourself or that you are so weak you cannot handle what life has thrown at you. It is time you stood up for yourself and your W.

1. Tell your W that your folks know of the affair.

2. Tell your mother that she can forget a discussion or an apology from your W during Thanksgiving. It is a time for family and it is a time to giving thanks and deep discussions with your WS about her decisions and I am sure the associated guilt trip are not part of this celebration.

3. Your mother and W should talk, but YOU should control the agenda and the discussion. These women are important in your life and it is your job as the son and the husband to make sure both understand where they stand in your life.

4. I would STRONGLY recommend you read Harley's four rules for a good marriage, and one of them is protection. I would also strongly recommend that you read about "radical honesty" and the concept of the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. You should NOT be going to your folks unless it is POJA'd before hand.

5. It is time you stood up and become a man that both women can respect and that just may mean that neither is happy with you. You can acknowledge your mothers need to protect and possibly need for revenge, but you MUST understand that you must protect your W from that very thing. It is time you got honest, you took control, and you decide what is important in your life, and I would urge you to consider integrity in your dealings with both women to be the starting point.

Your mother needs to know that you don't have your head where the sun don't shine, but she also needs to know that you value your vows to your W, you value your marriage, and you are and will fight to preserve this marriage as long as your W is willing to do her part. You need to express to your W that at sometime, SOON, she and your mother need to talk and lay down the weapons, you may have to mediate this discussion.

These are the two most important women in your life, it is time they KNOW you understand this and you will in fact stand up to both of them because of it.

Now get to work being the son and husband you are supposed to be.

God Bless,

JL

My husband called and apologized to my parents.

I think this is a very important step in recovery - not MARRIAGE recovery per se, but PERSONAL recovery of self respect.

Perhaps your wife can say a Thanksgiving Blessing:

Thank you Dear Lord for this family and for their forgiveness

First off, your FWW owes an apology to everyone she hurt and that includes her inlaws. Adultery affects more than the spouse's involved.

Secondly, the more you describe your mom, the more I see my own. I can totally empathize with you on this. I once missed Christmas with my mom for completely legitimate reasons. To punish me, she wisked my brother off on a ski vacation, didn't call or tell me where she went so I could call her Christmas day and when I arrived the next day (to spend the rest of the week until New Years), she got on the phone to every single human being she has ever known to tell them what a horrible daughter I was. This was in 1995 and she still brings it up. It was the last Christmas I ever left my own house and let me say I have bigger issues with Christmas now than Scrooge.

Anyway, if your mother is anything like mine, she wants control of the whole situation and the rest of you are her pawns. This is manageble under ordinary circumstances, but yours isn't an ordinary circumstance. Skip Thanksgiving. Send your regrets. Suffer her dramatics for the next 6 months or so - eventually they talk about it less - and realize that THIS TOO is just another consequence of the A. It's actually not the worst one.

Signed, A Surviving Delinquent Adult Daughter who Failed to Show up at Mom's House on the Actual Christmas day :RollieEyes:

that last part could start World War III since I doubt they forgive WW for anything at this point. No food fights at the table.

thanks, i needed that.




you're right, i am not not doing my part as a good H with this situation. I know I have failed my W in this case and should have told her on wednesday when I first talked to my parents. But, since that is now behind me, all i can do now is figure out the best way forward. When I started this thread, I was already planning on telling my wife that my parents know tonight. I came here to try to figure out a way to avoid ambushing her any more than I already have.

It's called Radical Honesty...........It's a must!

how exactly does the Policy of Radical Honesty fit with the Trust but Verify attitude that BSs need to have during recovery?

FWIW, I would not have been interested in a marriage to a weasel who wouldn't apologize to my parents. The notion that I should have to reject my own supportive family to accomodate someone's cowardice is unacceptable. NO CAN DO.

It is not out of line to expect that your wife should do what it takes to repair the damage to her relationship with your mother. Being a coward does nothing to help her recovery.

While your parents should not be allowed to mistreat your wife, nor should your WS be allowed to separate you from your parents just so she doesn't have to face them. You have suffered enough!

You only afford as much trust as the WS warrants until it is SAFE to be radically honest in all areas.

However, there was absolutely no reason EVER to not tell her that your mother knew. It can only work against you.

tc9,

Are you still planning to tell your wife tonight? Unless I misread, you just told your parents about WW's A last Wed? Why then? Was part of you hoping they would lay into W as punishment on your behalf?