SD,

Just wondered what your story was, whether you were trying to recover, etc.

My story is that I found MB way too late in my situation. I relied on "traditional" methods (counseling, talking, etc.) when my M was in crisis and completely missed the destructive and secret role A's often play in the process. I was definitely in the "BS fog" as Catgirl was too. I fell for all the WS fog lines and was flattened by the 18 wheeler I somehow never saw barrelling down upon me. [Much of what I later found out came from making contact with the OM's BW who was much closer to the situation and suspected things long before I did].

As you can probably tell by now, my (formerly wonderful) xWW was caught up in romantic A with a POS married OM. She married him within days of the decrees being finalized. MB has taught me a great deal--too late for me but hopefully helpful to others.

There is nothing to recover (besides myself of course)...my xWW remains M to her OM and we had ZERO CONTACT for well over a year with one phone call excepted. She has made some positive statements (call it a mildly clear break in the fog) but for the most part remains lost in misplaced loyalty, denials, avoidance, irresponsibility, scapegoating, and convincing herself that "God changes people and God changes things".

Translation:

"I know OM is a POS with a very shady recent and distant past, but he is and will be different with me" and ...

"I know what I did goes against everything I believe in and how I was raised, but I fell in love and that makes it ok in God's eyes"


......was mostly just commiserating with Catgirl

Well sorry you are here. I didn't realize that your WW M the POSOM. I thought it was just an engagement.

I found MB a little too late too. Welcome to the club that admits members by force. None of us want to be here but we had no choice in the matter. The good thing is that there is great support here....

Sorry about your story SDCWoman. I'm also here with no hope (or desire) for marital recovery but I do find it helps. My WstbxH has been living with his OW since d-day, they've bought a house together and there's no sign of any trouble (though there could be but I'd never know). They appear to be potential 3% candidates, but I do know she is a serial cheater so if I were to gamble on the situation, I'd give them about 5 years instead of 2. There are many open wounds from adultery and they need time to heal.

I find many of the MB marital recovery techniques help with personal recovery. I'm a huge fan of Plan B - at least the darkness part of it. It actually went against my natural "grain" in the sense that I had some idea that maybe if we could just be "friends" it would be ok and it was hard to imagine him not being in my life at all. But it was so horrible - he was outright cruel to me. I did what Plan B'ers do - with the exception of writing a letter. I simply broke off contact. Now I virtually never see him and life is much better when I don't.

Having said that, I just saw him this weekend for the first time in 3 months. He was at my house helping DS move his stuff out (I just sold my house and DS was taking some furniture, WstbxH has a pickup truck). We managed to be civil to each other but honestly there was less conversation than if he'd been a hired mover. He didn't even ask me where I was moving to.

Tabby:

Thank you. We are here at MB.com for similar reasons. You and Catgirl (& perhaps a few others) are the only ones I have "met" here who seem to be in similar straights...with WSs/xWSs who seem to be in the "3% club".

We share a great many "open wounds" and that description fits perfectly. [I am grateful that xWW and I had no kids together so at least I am spared the pain of having to co-parent with someone I don't recognize anymore as the wonderful, loving, devoted person I once knew. Like yourself, it was (and sometimes still is) hard for me for me to imagine my life without her. I can understand your use of "cruel" as a descriptor of your WH...esp. if you mean total failure to accept responsibility for and repent of the pain and destruction their actions have caused so many people, most notably my family (the only REAL family she has ever known), OM's xW (BW #3 for him), his kids, and ME.

I can completely identify with the feeling of "alien abduction" when it comes to my xWW. All of this is so completely out-of-character for her...the betrayal, the deceptions, the manipulations, the homewrecking, the immorality, the destruction of lives (xBSs on both sides AND OM's kids)...heck, she used to berate and sharply criticize those we met who even flirted with a member of the opoosite sex while married!

As for "trouble" in her A relationship, I have only tiny bits of evidence. 6 mos ago I heard via the grapevine (friend of a friend who knows) that she was "unhappy" and complaining "the honeymoon is over." I have been dark for a long time (she has too) with the exception of a short burst this summer. I received a past due collection notice on a bill of hers at my (our former) house. Relunctantly, I texted her about it and we got into a brief text convo. The bill issue was quickly dispensed with (had already been resolved by her) and w/o warning she texted "I will call you tomorrow". She had not placed a call to me in over a year at that point. Strange...(I had no idea of wwhat the status of her & OM were at the time):

I dreaded the call—the awkward discomfort, the aloof coldness I anticipated and experienced so many times in the past, etc. It started out pleasant small talk (she always seems to be sincerely curious at to what I'm up to and to how my family is) and then she proceeded to ask about my little brother’s recent wedding. I was taken back—told her it was fun, I was proud of him, love my new sister-in-law, and asked “how do you even know about that?” (it was planned and scheduled well after she had fled the coop) Her tone became softer and tender: “Honey, I have ways of hearing about you and keep track of you…I was going to send something but did not know how it would be received.” She then asked about my elderly grandfather (they had loved each other very much—my xW came from a dysfunctional household and always treasured the loving acceptance she found in my family) and tearfully said “I think of him & them all the time”. The topic turned to “us” and our past (dangerous I know…it just happened) and it was totally different than it had been for 2 years. The “old, sweet her” seemed to re-emerge. I was astounded by how emotionally vulnerable and remorseful she was. She choked up many times telling me that she had been foolishly “hard-headed and I should have believed you”, “I am so sorry I took you for granted, too—you are a wonderful man”, “I am so sorry for not communicating better” and “what can I do for your hurts???” I was blown away—I told her that I wouldn’t tell her what to do—she had to decide that on her own between “you and God”. She said “please don’t apologize to me anymore—you have done that more than enough—I should have listened”. I can’t possibly capture the flavor of it completely here but this went on genuinely for a good 30 minutes. I did not push or pressure her (intentionally) for specific info, additional contact, or any “future talk” about us. She then said to me “Thank you for answering your phone...I will call you again soon, sweetie…I promise!” and we hung up.


WTF???

SD,

Even though it probably doens't amount to a hill of beans, at least your ExW acknowledged what she did. My ExH has NEVER admitted he was in an A. Never even brought the OW up in convo. When I did, he said she had nothing to do with it. Like he's trying to protect her.

Unfortunately we have kids together so I have to have contact with him occasionally. When I do see him, he acts like nothing ever happened.

Before I filed for D, we had a talk about trying to save the M. I told him that he was willing to throw away all those years with me? He said he saw it more as starting a new chapter in his life.

I'm hoping because of the age difference the AM won't last, but then again I never thought the A would last either. I thought he was smarter than that.

OW likes $$$$. ExH has it. Can't he see that's what she's after?

And I too, never thought ExH could ever do what he did. He too always condoned A's etc. When people found out he cheated on me they were totally shocked. It was so out of character for him.

I have to move on. He obviously has. I am having a harder time just falling out of love then he is I guess.

I think that is the part that hurts me the most right now. Knowing that he loves someone else enough to marry them. She got what I was supposed to have forever. Am I'm sure she is gloating!

Seeing that wedding ring on his finger last week really hit me hard!

Looks like I can be added to this list.

I haven't had contact with WH since 3-17-08. I saw him at court when I technically won, but have not said one word to him in over 8 months. After nearly 30 years of some interaction it still blows me away.

I too am grateful for Plan B though in the back of my mind I wonder if that will have been the nail in the coffin of my M. Though his actions never spoke of him coming home. He just gave lip service to it.

In the beginning there was trouble... crack addict who went out using, she was selfish, putting her kids first, buying stuff for her grandkids while he had to be accountable to everything. He said she had a biting tongue on her and that he finally saw what he had been doing to me all those years and yet...

He was building a life with her based on trust, honesty and openness. It took all my strength not to laugh in his face.

He has all but abandoned the children and yet in the last month or so he seems to have kept phone contact up with YS and is trying to spend time with him and now has even called DD. My middle one, absolutely hates his dad, has lost all respect, actually so has my DD, but she holds hope out.

I absolutely will have nothing to do with this man. He is gross looking, selfish, etc.

I wish my H would come home but like all of you, we seem to be in an elite group....

Well, I'm not sure if you can call it an "acknowledgement". When I "caught" her (after being used and manipulated and lied to for months while I was fighting my A$$ of to reconcile), she admitted a "relationship" but tried to couch as though it had only started AFTER she gave her best effort to us and decided that she "couldn't give herself back to" me. That was utter bs...they had been sleeping together the whole time and had an EA (at least) ongoing well before she even S from our home. If Ihad not asked about OM, she would have never brought it up. She NEVER admitted anything honestly (only that she couldn't deny anymore when caught...when I found her OM's clothes in our vacation house, for instance, and said "thanks for F***ing your boyfriend in our bed!", she could only say "how do you know? You having me followed!"). As though hiding his clothes in the lockout closet for me never to find made it OK.

No, I have never received a true apology. Only "I'm sorry you are hurt" and "I'm sorry for so many things" (never saying what those "things" actually ARE). I know she has tremendous guilt for sure but I have never heard anything approaching REAL REMORSE and understanding for how much destruction this crazy and immoral R has caused to so many people.


Along those lines, I heard "I don't think I'm throwing anything away; I just am in a new life" (one she stole from a woman and children she didn't even know). It's amazing how they have no clue, huh?


Same boat. OM sees her as a socio-economic upgrade and sexual conquest. She is so blind about this. I have talked to other women friends--all tell me how women think with their hearts and often just wanna believe what they feel is right.


Me too. I have read that men, counter-intuitively, often take longer to fall out of love than women do. I suppose I will always love her for who she ONCE WAS. Never would have in a million years anticipated she could do the things she has done, even to herself. Time...time...I know. This past weekend, a very pretty 27 yo gal I have been seeing "casually" completely threw herself at me--I got the "look" (men know "the look" a girl gives when she is into you). I kissed her back and just walked away to drive home--I dunno what my problem is....%$#%^%##!!!!

Thanks for talking, CG, let's keep it up...
SD

Catgirl,

BTW, there is a thread here I have posted on recently called "Think I am doing everything wrong".

Some much older guy posted about his much younger affair-wife now cheating on him...shows what happens to these "3%-ers". They get what is coming to them in due time.

"What ye sow, so shall ye also reap"

SD,

Tried to find that thread you referred to, but couldn't...

Catgirl,

This is the one he's talking about:LINK

Mark

Sweetie:

I try linking it...hope this works:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=154196&Number=2162682#Post2162682