This will depend in great part on what you want.

For example, you got a GREAT comment earlier asking you how going hunting was filling an EN of hers. If you think you might want to reconcile, you really need to pay attention to that comment.

You should have gone shopping with her or taken her hunting with you if you're interested in repairing your marriage. If you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you prefer divorce, then you have every right to continue pursuing a life independent of hers. If you think you may want to reconcile one day, you need to start learning to incorporate your two lives together so you share one married life instead of two individual lives under the same roof.

I have done all of those things with her, and it did not stop her from having an A. Why should I be the one doing everything when she is the one having the A. she is the one wanting to lives two lives. She is the one living a different life under my roof. She enjoys shopping, and I enjoy hunting. What is wrong with doing your own thing once in a while. I don't do that all of the time. By the way she is the one that goes her own way more than I do. Yes I would more like to save my marriage than divorce, but she has a lot of work to do as well. But I do not beleive that she is at a point to do that. If I get definite evidence of an A and this being the 2nd OM then yes - I will file D.

W just called. Said she just wanted to let me know that she was thinking about me and she loves me. she continues to do this on a daily basis. along with leaving me a voice mail each morning before I get to work. I had a strong feeling that the PI would get something on Friday and I have a strong feeling that the voice recorder will reveal something today.

I can tap the home phone but that is about it. I can not install anything on her cell phone because she has the hand set locked out with a password, and we do not have a home computer that is online to install a keylogger. She is in hidding so much that she locks the cell phone itself, and if I try and touch it and she see me she blows up saying that I am invading her privacy, checking up on her, monitoring her, and in her personal business.

Then start divorce proceedings. How much more proof do you need??? Or do you just enjoy the drama?

What are you doing here if all you are looking for is a divorce?

No I do not enjoy the drama. I am tired of the drama. It is extremely hard to let go of 17 years. Why do I feel like I am throwing everything away when I am not the one having the A. I would like to save my marriage, but I do not beleive that my wife is willing to make the changes that she needs to make. I know she would not do MB or go to counseling seeing as how she has quit it twice.

I am not looking for a divorce only. I would like to save my marriage, but I believe to do that I have to have enough evidence to confront my W with. Other than that I do not believe that she is willing to make the changes that she needs to make.

Hogfan:

You need to know the nature and contxt of those text messages.

You need this concrete proof to satisfy yourself.

The PI got you excellent info, but you still need more.

Understand one thing, you do not need to prove to her that she is in an affair. She already knows. Your trying to prove it to yourself.

And that's ok.

But start thinking about the end game. If you think you find out that it hasn't gotten physical, or only got physical once, or only physical with OM #1, but not OM #2, etc.

Decide the end game. Recovery, and doing what it takes, or divorce. And doing what THAT takes.

Make lots of notes about what is going on. Get your info in order so that instead of like every other man in AK, you DO WIN in the courthouse. She is generating alot of info that can be subpeonaed if needed, and you have access to much information. Just start documenting it, as I noted earlier.

ANd safeguard the info. Make copies that are kept elsewhere. You can mail copies of info to yourself, so that it has a postmark, and is sealed. Thereby, showing that the info WAS created six months ago.

LG

Wanted to give everyone the events of yesterday. W called me around 1:00PM and said that the school had called and oldest D was sick. So I told W that I would go get her from school. W claimed she was to busy. So i went and got D from school and took her home. This is what went on afterwards.
I Helped D with homework
W comes home from work around 5:00PM
I was cooking supper
W put clothes away
I cleaned the dishes and the kitchen
I made sure the youngest daughter got a bath
This took most of my night. During all of this all the w did after putting away clothes was set on the couch watching TV and I am sure texting when I was not in the room. This morning wnet about the same way I get up get the kids up and dressed and get their breakfast made. Although this morning the W climbed in the shower with me. She also left me a note in my lunch box and left me a voice mail at work before I got here. I must of not set up the recorder in her car right because it did not pick up anything. I played around with it and believe that I have fixed the problem. I have also contacted my PI and we are going to put a camera with recorder in her car.

lousygolfer - I am documenting everything that I can and putting it on my computer at work with dates. I just wish she would not have changed the password on her online cell account so I could see/print how many times her and OM are texting. She has also had the call details taken off the paper bill, but it did show that she had made 485text last month. I will take her sim card from her phone when I can get enough time with her away to copy what texts are there. I am thinking about taking the kids to my other place next weekend. If I do this it would be a perfect opportunity for her to do something. The kids would not be around. If I decide to do this the PI will be on her and if he sees anything he would call me and I will only be 40min away. Do you have any other suggestions besides document, document, document.

It does get to be tiresome.

Over 30 gets even harder which is why I fought so hard, I guess.

Then come up with a plan that will help you to save it and quit worrying about whether or not you can prove adultery in a court of law. Without video and a taped confession afterward you aren't going to have 100% proof and anything you get without her knowledge will probably be inadmissible anyway. You don't have to be able to prove to her that she is cheating on you. She already knows that. You just have to be able have enough to make the affair harder by exposing it to those who can help you save your marriage.

You can't control what she does. You aren't responsible for what she does. You can't make her do anything. All you have power over is yourself and your own actions. If you want to save your marriage, then act toward that goal and that goal only.

As long as she is having an affair, counseling is a total waste of time and money. Once the affair ends and the fog clears it might make a difference and she might actually be agreeable to attending MC with you.

Counseling to make changes has NOTHING to do with SAVING your marriage. It might be about FIXING it, but unless you SAVE it first, you will have nothing left to FIX.

You don't have to prove she is having an affair to anyone but yourself. It is you that has not accepted that fact yet. You haven't accepted it because she is gaslighting you and keeping you on the hook.

You can't change her. You can't control her. You can't make her do anything. You can't fix your marriage until you save it. If you don't save it NOW you will have nothing left to fix. You need to have a PLAN to save your marriage and then work that plan.

The above paragraph sums your whole situation up for you. read it a few times till you get each point...

Then come here and let's try to come up with a PLAN that will save your marriage. (It's called Plan A, BTW)

Even if you end up in Plan B, which sounds likely at this point, you need to do Plan A FIRST if you want to SAVE your marriage.

Better yet, call Steve at the coaching center and get help with a plan from the best.

Let me know when you want to start Plan A...

Mark

mark1952 - I would like to start plan A, but how do you do that when you get nothing in return, and I feel like I did that for a very long time. As far as proving the affair. I'm not sure I have done enough to make a nuclear exposure. She does keep saying that all they are is friends. I need to see some of the content of the text messages. I would like for all of this to jsut go away. It is like a very bad dream. Why is it so hard for me to let go or throw away 17 years together, and it seems so easy for her. When I look at my W or talk to my W she does not look like the person that I knew or even sound liek that person. When we do talk it just hey!, What are you doing, or something with the girls. Then it is I love you and the next day begins.

Remind me: have you hired a PI? Used a voice-activated voice recorder in her car? Installed a keylogger on the computer?

Yes, I have PI and some video. I have used 2 PI's, but the one I have now is very good. I put a recorder in her car yesterday, but i did not have it working properly. I will replace it in the morning. We do not have a computer online to install a keylogger. The PI is suggesting a small camera in her car with a recorder.

when your wife got in the shower with you today did you tell her to get out??? Did you tell her to NEVER again touch you or text you while she is having an affair??? Did you tell her that her secrets and lies are unacceptable???

Or did you fall for her bs???

IF you had sex with her this morning...or any other time recently, you are not only playing with STD fire..but you are also being a fool.

Can someone tell me how to attach pictures to a post. I would like for everyone to see the text messages between my WW and the PI that I hired and get thoughts on that. Then maybe everyone can see what I am actually dealing with.

medc - I did not say a word. I just got out. I do nto say much to her. It is hard to even look at her some days. I do not initiate sex with her and have not for a while now. If I see texts between her and OM and they look sexual I will go get tested for STD because I am not sure if it has gotten physical or how long it has been that way.

you can't

so, you are not having sex with her...at all??? or are you just not initiating it???